


Hasetsu's Ocean

by sunday_morning



Series: Hasetsu's Ocean [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Kinda, M/M, Sexual Content, Victor Nikiforov-centric, sorta - Freeform, wish me luck!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-10-15 21:08:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 90,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10557744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunday_morning/pseuds/sunday_morning
Summary: Victor didn’t even feel it. He’s only had a bloody nose once before in his life, when a hockey puck hit him squarely, or roundly? In the face. He didn’t feel the blood trickling down his lip, or the sure smell of iron. It just happened.Chris wrapped the tissue under Victor’s nose “here hold it and put your head out like this” Chris mimicked it for him. Victor followed suit.“Thank you Chris I don’t even know where that came from” Victor jokedPutting all weight on one hip Chris gave Victor a look. “Probably just the change in the weather, anyway my coach is probably looking for me. But it’s always nice catching up with you” he added with a wink.  As Chris turned to saunter away he called over his shoulder “Keep that there until it stops bleeding Victor!”Victor smiled standing up to watch him walk away.  Chris was something else.That’s when the migraine hit him.That probably should have been the first warning.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Somethings you need to know before reading,  
> This is 100% canon compliant, I've just added scenes, and taken out a few so if the scenes sound familiar, that's probably why  
> However, this universe is slightly different in the aspect that homophobia still exists but is almost entirely extinct in most places.  
> Yuri with one "u' is Yuri Plisetsky and Yuuri with two "uu's' is Yuuri Katsuki

Victor Nikiforov knew how to love.

More than that Victor Nikiforov knew how to feel.

When he stepped onto the ice and began to skate he was surrounded by passion. When the music lowered to a soft trickle, only heard because the audience dared not breathe out, Victor skated to a withheld love, unrequited, subdued, he skated for someone that would never love him back. When the music swelled and filled the rink, Victor skated with power. He skated to long nights of passion and promises whispered over damp pillow cases. When the music turned melancholy and soft, pure misery poured from Victors every footstep, he skated to his darkest time, the cut of scissors on the back of his head when his father cut his hair too quickly. The audience felt his pain. They cried for him, and their hearts throbbed for him. And when he took his last pose as the music died down, the audience still watched in rapt fascination and longing, he subsequently broke the spell he placed everyone under with a smile, a wave, and a bow. 

Yes its true Victor Nikiforov knew how to love. 

But, and don’t get these mixed up, Victor never fell in love. He could love when he skated and could love when he took Makkachin out for a walk and smelled newly dropped rain, he could love when he practiced skating, and when he ate a particularly delicious piroshky. Victor Nikiforov was a particularly emotional human being, but he never fell in love with anyone. 

Sure as a child he told his parents he loved him, and was kissed by his older sister on the cheek as he left for school. Sure he had childhood crushes, and good lays but those relationships all ended too soon, and he never grew attached enough to fall in love. Never grew attached enough to be hurt when they left. 

Still even as he bought groceries, he could feel, compassion for the lady out front smoking a cigarette, and sympathy for the little girl whose parents wouldn’t buy her a candy bar, a constant state of being annoyed when the god awful migraine came back to the side of ear, and anger on behalf of the cashier who was on his fourth cup of coffee and his second job that didn’t pay enough for his apartment. Still, Victor never fell in love. 

Sure he could dream. He could dream of a boy who loved and felt just as much as he did. Messy hair and sun kissed skin. Or maybe he’s pale, maybe he has brown eyes, or wears glasses, or contacts, or has perfect eyesight. Victor didn’t know. Victor didn’t really care about how he looked, just how he made him feel.

So, Victor would keep on skating, and feeling, and dreaming of a boy who would come along one day and change everything.

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

“Sure enough he’s crushed the free skating event as well; this marks the fifth consecutive grand prix final win for Victor Nikiforov. Victor Nikiforov is now 27 years old some speculate he might retire this season, but his masterful performance here may lay such rumors to rest now let’s talk about Yuri Katsuki whose here competing in his first…” 

The announcement was drowned in Victors ears as Christophe Giocometti, who had placed second after Victor, sat on Victors lap thankfully bare of skates. They were suddenly surrounded with flashing lights, cameramen and reporters trying to get every angle, as if his actions were something rare.

“Look at you, beating me again. I don’t know what a boys to do” Chris whispered in his ear

“Oh, I’m sorry did I do something wrong?” a smirk was already working its way onto Victors face

“As if you don’t know” Chris pushed him playfully before laying his head on Victor’s chest, his voice dropping to a whisper. “Is it true? Are you retiring this year? I won’t know what to do without you to compete against …”

Victor laughed “Oh Chris, you don’t believe all of the gossip do you? I’m telling you, you are much too reliant on the tabloids these days, magazines have ruined you” 

Chris brought his face up to Victors and pulled his bottom lip out from under his top to pout. “Well I guess I won’t bother congratulating you, if all you’re going to do is make fun of me” 

Victor shared an indulgent smile, reveling in this closeness of their bodies. Christophe was always such a good friend to him, and while there was more than one rumor about the two being lovers, Victor couldn’t see them any other way, Chris was that flirtatious with everyone. Besides Chris had a family of his own at home, and whenever Victor would meet Chris’s husband, he could feel that small tinge in his chest that always pulled when he saw a couple in love. Victor was happy for him of course don’t get him wrong, but it always stung that Chris had already settled down despite being so much younger then him, and Victor was… well Victor was Victor. 

“Hey Christophe! Victor! This way ” a voice rang out from the crowd of reporters

Chris lifted his head to look at Victor “Want to give them a show?” 

“Da, of course” 

As if on cue, they both turned to the reporters. Chris leaning in to place a sloppy kiss on the side of Victor’s cheek, Victor raised his shoulders, eyebrows and his mouth widened in theatrical shock. They were suddenly encompassed with flashing lights and shouts from every which way.

Chris tore his lips from Victors check and turned to face him head on. They stared at each other in mock concentration before both breaking character. They began to laugh. Christophe nearly falling off Victors lap before a protective arm was placed around him. Chris turned down to face the floor, he always tried to hide his laugh, Victor noticed. 

It was when Chris finally looked up when Victor noticed something was wrong. 

The smile fell off his face almost immediately, replaced with a thick mask of concern. He instinctually leaned back from Victor, reaching out a hand to hover above his face. “You- You are bleeding”  
Victor looked to his legs. Did he knick himself with his skate? 

“no… um it’s your nose” Christophe said slowly pulling himself off Victors lap to stand. A Reporter quickly ran up offering a tissue to Chris. He thanked him and moved back to Victor, swatting away his lingering hand. “Here let me”

Victor didn’t even feel it. He’s only had a bloody nose once before in his life, when a hockey puck hit him squarely, or roundly? In the face. He didn’t feel the blood trickling down his lip, or the sure smell of iron. It just happened. 

Chris wrapped the tissue under Victor’s nose “here hold it and put your head out like this” Chris mimicked it for him. Victor followed suit.

“Thank you Chris I don’t even know where that came from” Victor joked

Putting all weight on one hip Chris gave Victor a look. “Probably just the change in the weather, anyway my coach is probably looking for me. But it’s always nice catching up with you” he added with a wink. As Chris turned to saunter away he called over his shoulder “Keep that there until it stops bleeding Victor!”

Victor smiled standing up to watch him walk away. Chris was something else. 

That’s when the migraine hit him.

That probably should have been the first warning. 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

There was a boy at the banquet. To be fair there’s always some boy at some banquet that catches Victor’s eye. He usually finds a way to sweet talk him to bed, but this poor boy was too wasted for Victor to feel moral about sleeping with him. That’s all that went through Victor head at night now.  
The boy at the banquet 

He didn’t even catch a name, it was a flurry or dancing, stripping, and drunken flirting and then he was gone, dragged off by his coach leaving a mess of emotions, and destruction in his wake.  
Victor turned in his sleep replaying his words in his mind.

“If I win the dance off, come to Hasetsu and be my coach! You’ll do it won’t you Victor? Be my coach” he drawled hanging onto Victor by the side

Victor don’t know why it had affected him so much, he had thousands of fans. Literally thousands of people he had never even met who would hit on him when drunk of their heads, but this boy…  
Maybe it was something about the way he danced his body moving perfectly from a pop song Yuri had demanded to be played, to the Mexican music that played as he danced the flamenco. How did he even know those kinds of dances? Has he taken dance lessons? Maybe he’s an instructor. Either way, Victor just laughed and joined in during some of the dances he was familiar with. 

He even danced when the pole was brought out. Why even was there a pole in the middle of a fancy banquet? Victor strongly suspected Christophe was behind it. 

Yuri was pissed that he had lost the dance off; fuming about his fancy moves, claiming it was unfair. 

Maybe Victor couldn’t get him out of his head, because of the way his eyes sparkled like he was looking for something

Maybe it was because of how he made him feel. 

Victor didn’t really know, or care. He just wanted to see him again. 

Pulling out his phone Victor opened the gallery, scrolling through not only the pictures Victor took but the ones sent to him from Chris, and Yuri. They weren’t much, some while he was dancing on the pole with Chris, some during the dance off with Yuri, and a few when Victor and him danced together. Those were his favorite; Victor had seriously debated making the one where Victor was deep in a dip, the boy holding onto Victors face and leg, his home screen. 

He scrolled through the photo’s sighing. If only he knew his name. He said something about an Onsen in Hasetsu. Where even was Hasetsu, somewhere in Asia Victor guessed, the boy himself was Asian, Japanese. There were probably thousands of onsens in Hasetsu. Victor sighed again.

The boy was out there somewhere, one day he’d find him again Victor promised himself. 

That night Victor fell asleep to images of the boy from the banquet

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

It took him an extra year to get his degree. Twenty three years to skate on the same ice as Victor Nikiforov, twenty three years of pain and running to the ice rink at six in the morning every day before school. Twenty three years of callouses and falling down over and over again on the ice. Twenty three years to finally meet his idol and then completely ignore him like some kind of idiot. It took twenty three years for him to realize how untalented he was and muster the courage to quit ice skating. 

It took a while but Yuuri finally came home. 

However it took literally less than a day home, and about 30 seconds of watching Victor practice his step sequence for his European championship to quit quitting and take off running for the Ice Palace.  
“Hey you just got here and you’re leaving already”

Yuuri turned to shout over his shoulder “Sorry I just wanted to get some practice in”

“Alright dear take care.” 

God Yuuri loved his mother. From a young age she recognized that he was nothing like his sister, who was laid back and took everything in stride. Yuuri was like a ball of nerves, constantly nervous about everything from first impressions to skating performances and nearly everything in between. She worked so hard to make him feel loved every day, while recognizing how important the ice was to him. 

Yuuri thought about this as he ran, cherishing the feeling of the evening air wrapping around him. He only stopped once, a bit winded, to look out to the ocean. It’s something he missed about home. Hasetsu’s ocean. The waves and the night sky meeting somewhere in the distance, he caught his breathe and began to run again, the horizon kept in his peripheral, comforted by the steady sound of his feet on the ground his deep breathes.

The shape of Ice Palace Hasetsu offered surprising amount of comfort. This was the first place he watched Nikiforov skate, the first place he felt like he belonged. He sat watching his reflection in the glass doors and light behind the counter and shifting shadow before gently pushing open the door the bell ringing in response. He spotted a familiar silhouette leaning up to push ice skates to the top of the rack where she could barely reach. 

“Excuse me”

“Sorry we’re closed you can come back tomorrow”

Her voice alone brought the strong urge to smile to Yuuri; still the anxiety that had been eating away at him pushed that urge down. He pushed one leg awkwardly into the ground, a common tick he dealt with. “Hey Yuuko, long time no see huh?”

How would she feel seeing him after so long? She might be pissed that he left her, yell at him tell him to get out of her rink, to never come back. It was in this rink that he promised they would never be separated. He remembered clearly holding her hand and promising “you and me we’ll go to the Grand Prix skate with Victor Nikiforov together” how could she forgive him for just taking off like that? Leaving her alone  
“Is that you Yuuri?” her voice was a bare whisper

“Uh yeah”

“Well quit standing there like some stranger and tell me how you’ve been!” she took off running nearly launching herself over the counter to stare at him like he might disappear again. Yuuri let go a sigh of relief. Of course she wouldn’t be mad at him, Its Yuuko. 

“’fine I guess” 

“Well I bet you came to skate yeah? Go ahead”

“Really you don’t mind?” Yuuri asked lowering his hood

“Nah, I’m guessing you don’t want an audience. I’ll make sure you’re not interrupted” she added with a wink. 

Yuuri felt himself warm up to Yuuko’s presence, sometimes talking to people was hard for Yuuri, he didn’t understand social que’s and sometimes sarcasm went well over his head, but it was friends like Yuuko that made everything easier on him. “Great, thanks a lot” That smile melted off his face as he remembered the promise they made, they promise Yuuri broke when he left her at Hasetsu to pursue ice skating.

“Hey what’s wrong?” Yuuko asked her eye’s widening, still as beautiful as ever. 

“Yuuko, I- I’m really sorry I left you those years ago. You and I we’re going to make it big you know? Even pair skate and I just… I’m really sorry” Yuuri dropped his head to stare at his shoes, guilt was bubbling up inside him red bursting on his cheeks. 

There was a slight scuffle behind the desk and before Yuuri could look up Yuuko’s arms were around him, Yuuri’s head pressed firmly over Yuuko’s shoulder. 

“hey don’t do that, Yuuri you know I hate it when you cry” she released him took a few steps back before rubbing her arm with her hand, and looking down for a second

“To be honest when I said goodbye to you at the airport I was a little bitter”

Yuuri looked up in alarm. Yuuko rolled her eyes and continued  
“I mean, we were gonna make it big you know and I couldn’t help but feel abandoned. But I had a life here. With Takeshi and the triplets and to just leave them, to pave my own path in figure skating without them, you have to understand Yuuri, it’s not something I could do.” She looked up to meet Yuuri’s eye

“So I don’t blame you for going off to skate, in fact I think it’s amazing!! That life wasn’t meant for me so don’t feel bad you understand!?”  
Yuuri smiled and nodded. He loved Yuuko, and wanted to show her something special, something he has been working on for a while now. He hadn’t shown anyone before, too scared of showing something so intimate, something so raw. For Yuuko, he could make an exception though. 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Victor was shaky. 

He didn’t know why, he has never been nervous for a performance in his life, not in competitions, in the Olympics or any Grand Prix’s. Still, when he held out his hand, it shook. He excused himself from the table, ignoring the strange looks his actions gained, to the men’s dressing room. 

Once behind the doors he stumbled to the sinks, cupping his hands to hold cool water and splashing it over his rapidly heating cheeks. He stared at himself in the mirror for a few minutes, his pale blue eyes glaring into his reflection, scrutinizing his face, before something caught his eye, a flash of red dripping from his nose. Victor gasped another bloody nose? He held his head over the sink in a moment of clarity, letting the blood drip onto the porcelain below. The stark contrast of red on white transfixing him, reminding him of a life he left only years ago. 

The last thing he thought of was a different sink, with the same blood flowing from a different wound, before his world turned to darkness and he promptly passed out

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Blood dripped on porcelain, a satisfying image. One Victor wanted to see more of, maybe under different circumstances though. A dark thought, but an independent thought none the less. His sister handed him a towel

“Hold it on your head now Vitya, It’ll stop the bleeding” 

Victor, as always did as he was told, and placed the towel firmly to the back of his newly shaved head, the touch of anything against the cut made him wince. 

“shh I know it hurts, I am sorry Vitya but you really should have listened to Father”

His father disliked the length of Victor hair, growing longer to match the man who coached at Victors ice rink. Of course Victor didn’t ice skate, too much of a girls sport for his dads liking. Instead Victor played hockey, every Thursday and Saturday afternoon from 3 to 5, Victor would strap on large burly boots and stumble onto the ice to throw a puck at a net. Every day at 5:20 after the Zamboni swept the ice, the ice skaters would begin their lessons. 

Victor would stay and watch, his eyes would follow the coach, his brown hair falling to his shoulders, made him easy to keep track off he would watch him point to areas of the rink moving from skater to skater. He would watch the skaters, almost all of them girls. Some wore black pants, some skin colored tights under beautiful costumes. One girl always wrapped her hair up in a bun atop her head; she wore dark brown tights that matched her skin tone, and a black sequined dress. They were all so beautiful and when they moved, following the directions of their coach, Victor fell in love. 

He fell in love with the intricate foot work; he fell in love with the long graceful sweep of legs and the sound of ice cutting that would utter from their ice skates. Victor fell in love with the music the coach would play, flowing quietly from a small radio, the way the skater’s bodies moved to the music translating it into something different but something as equally beautiful. 

It became a kind of routine, Victor would go his hockey lessons, don on his bulky skates, his shoulder pads and the uniform that could never really be washed correctly, he would throw around a puck for a few hours, and after he changed and the Zamboni drove off the ice rink, Victor would run up to the bleachers and watch the skaters begin their lessons for the 20 or 30 minutes it took for his dad to come pick him up.

It took 20 minutes for Victor to fall completely, head over heels, in love.

20 minutes for Victor to get addicted.

It wasn’t just Victor who noticed his obsession. It happened after a particularly exhausting hockey session. Victor was sitting in his usual spot legs folded up below his chin, wrapped in a sweater trying to conserve heat. The girl with the black dress was gone, and the coach wore a hat, his hair disguised from Victors eyes. Eventually the coach’s eyes traveled up to Victors form and he smiled. Victor felt his heart skip a beat. The man spoke to his students for a minute, the girl nodded and skated away, he skated to the sides and slid on a pair of skating guards before opening the door and making his way up to Victor’s tiny trembling form. 

“Hello there” the coach said, looming over Victor

“What’s your name” he asked a smile working his way to his face 

Victor untucked his chin from his sweater “Victor” He was still unsure what was happening and felt the events unfolding around him, as if he were in a dream.

“Well hello Victor, my name is Demetri, mind if I sit with you?”

Victor shook his head and Demetri found a seat next to Victor

“I’ve seen you watching us skate. Do you like to watch skating?”

Victor nodded 

“Why don’t you skate with us then? We could use more boys, as I’m sure you’ve noticed” Demetri said smiling, as he reached up to take off his hat, letting his long hair fall out, he used his gloved hands to comb out any knots. 

“I don’t know would you let me join?” Victor asked, transfixed by Demetri’s hair.

“Of course, we would love to have you! Maybe you should ask your parents”

As if on cue a loud voice barked from the door way, “Victor come here now”

Victor stood and smiled a little bit at Demetri before turning and walking to his father. 

Demetri seemed as if he wanted to walk over and begin a discussion with Victors father but before he could his dad turned away grabbing Victor by the arm and roughly pushing him out of the rink out of the building and into the car

He was in the car, when he made his first mistake 

“I want to ice skate” Victor said 

“Why?” 

“Because I like to watch other people skate, and I want to do that”

“You skate when you play hockey”

“Yes but I was to ice skate. To music and everything”

His father was silent.

Victor made his second mistake 

“I like the coaches long hair” Victor said, his voice dying out.

The rest of the care ride was silent. Victor, even at a young age felt something shift. 

At home, Victor’s father announced Victor needed his hair cut. Victor frowned

“But papa, I like my hair the way it is” that was Victors third mistake. 

His father’s nostrils flared “you don’t argue with me boy, you understand?” 

That’s when his mother intervened “Dennis, he didn’t mean anything by that, he just doesn’t want his hair to be cut”

“Stay out of this you understand?”

“Dennis, he’s my son too, I get a say in his punishment”

“Just once I wish you could support me” that struck a nerve in Victors mother and she closed her open mouth to fall back and out of sight

Before he knew it he was being thrown to the bathroom and his father was running scissors up and down Victors head, severing the short hair to a buzz cut, the scissors sliced the back of Victors head, and he cried out. When Dennis was satisfied he promptly nodded and left Victor to stare at himself in the mirror alone

Victor saw red

Not in a metaphorical sense, not as if anger clouded his judgment and made in near impossible to see straight. Everything was red. The wallpaper surrounding him was a shade of red. His eyes, fresh with tears were red making his iris’s form an almost impossibly clear blue. When Victor looked down to the porcelain sink he saw tuffs of his hair sticking to the sides, stuck in Victors own blood.

It was almost an insult Victor’s hair gone, but not quite, stuck on the sides of the sink in Victor’s blood, just to mock him. 

From somewhere outside the bathroom arguing continued. Muffled and distant but still there.

It was the first time Victor felt empty, felt numb.

A door slammed and silence poured over the house like some kind of thick fog

Only when the bathroom door opened slightly and his older sister came in with a small blue hand towel, did Victor begin to feel again. His chin rumpled slightly at the sight of Yana, and fresh tears sprung to his eyes again.

“shhhh, it’s okay Vitya” 

She touched his shoulder slightly and angled his head down to examine the wounds closely. She washed his head with the wash cloth, the excess water running down the back of Victor’s shirt. He just kept his chin to his chest and watched his blood slowly rinse down the sink. 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Someone was shouting 

They were words he had heard before but it was as if they had been shouted from miles away and translated to a language he hadn’t heard before

Slowly, as if in a dream, the world come crashing to him the person was calling for help and Victor could feel the ground under his back and a hand on his arm like his sister had done to him so many years before. He had to squint when he opened his eyes, bombarded by lights and the silhouette of a figure. 

Victor registered panicked Russian and blonde hair. Ah Yuri, Victor fought to push himself up on his elbows “I’m okay” he said, his voice sounding raspy

The dressing room doors opened and three more figures pushed their way in, Victor saw Yakov push him way to him, ah the protective old goat. Victor’s eyes slid into focus and he saw Yuri crouched slightly behind Yakov, and Mila and Georgi standing slightly behind him worry evident on all their faces

Victor couldn’t help but laugh, this was all an accident and they all seemed so concerned over nothing. The laughing only proved to worry them more 

“What happened Victor are you okay?” 

“I’m okay really I must have slipped”

This time Mila spoke “Your nose is bleeding” 

Victor reached up a hand to touch under his nose and it came away with blood. Oh yeah, that.

“Oh I… I must have hit it on the sink when I went down” when Victor realized no one was speaking he continued “Aw Yakov you care about me don’t you”

Yakov grumbled before letting go a deep breathe, the rest of the occupants relaxing at his lead

“Yuri what happened?”

“I told you what happened I slippe-” Victor stopped as Yakov raised his hand 

“Well you told me to go check on him and when I came him he was on the ground with blood on his face, that’s all I know don’t look at me for an explanation or something” 

Mila tore off a paper towel from the dispenser, rinsed it and offered it to Victor still recline on the floor, he accepted it with a thanks and began to wipe the blood from his face  
“You asked him to check on me?” Victor asked with a jokingly flirtatious smile 

“Dah you were shaky all morning, I wanted to make sure you were okay so I sent Yuri, good thing I did too”

“or what? It’s not like I would have died if Yuri hadn’t found me, if you hadn’t sent him I would’ve simply woken up alone, not the first time that’s happened let me tell you” Mila and Yuri groaned

“I prefer it when you’re passed out” Yuri growled 

“Yuri! Victor get up let’s get you checked for a concussion” Yakov offered his hand to Victor 

“I told you Yakov I feel fine” Victor took a hold of Yakovs outstretched hand and felt himself hoisted off the ground 

“You don’t argue with me boy, you’re not competing if you don’t get checked out first” Victor rolled his eyes but followed him none the less.

According to the first aid booth they visited, Victor didn’t have a concussion. However, he was resigned to resting before the performance, drinking things high in electrolytes and eating things high in protein, pretty much a regular meal for the athlete

Yakov asked him before his practice time not to over work himself with any of his more difficult jumps. Victor ignored him of course, and got a yelling for it afterwards.

It was all worth being prepared, when Victor took to the ice for his performance waving to the crowd as he took his opening position crossed legs and his head tilted slightly down to his chest. 

Yuuko gaped at Yuuri “Wait that opening…”

Once the audience’s cheers died down and the music began pouring out of the overhead speakers Victors began to move, head tilting up as if to chase the caress of a loved one, his head followed the movement of his hand graceful and sweeping then both arms in to his chest. 

For Victor this routine had always been a chase, chasing some intangible thing around the ice, with outstretched arms and daring jumps. It changed as Victor did, first the thing he was chasing was victory, the thrill of winning the competition but once his recording of himself was played back to him, he realized it was too angry for the music, he looked hungry and angry and over bearing, 

Yuuri managed to land the quad flip, his feet slightly shaky and his knees weak from unuse but he continued, Yuri could feel it bubbling underneath the surface he fought back a smile. Whenever Yuuri could feel when he skated, he skated wonderfully. With eyes on him it was always harder for him to muster any kind of emotion; he always felts raw and exposed. Not this time, knowing only Yuuko was watching him, someone he trusted, he could let himself feel. 

When Victor left his flying sit spin, he stopped for just a second letting his arm raise above him then back to the ice. This was the moment of contentment in his routine, a moment where he stopped tirelessly chasing, and just felt. Victor decided later to try and chase something else, love perhaps. As cheesy as it may be, it felt right for this routine. Victor skated focusing on the love he felt for Makkachin, and Yakov, and the feeling of skating but once again when watching himself on video it still felt off love was bold and brash but not what he needed

Minako hiccupped from where she sat “I don’t know if this is the best music for him though. It would work better for a dewy eyed youngster”

Yuri landed the combination jump, hands falling to his thighs. Turning to execute the foot work sequence, in that moment everything started to melt away. Yuuko watching him from across the rink, the bite of the cold, the worries he had carried with him after he quit skating. In that moment it was just Yuuri and the chase

By the time Victor landed his triple lutz, he could picture what he was chasing. Not so much a what, more of a who. It took Victor so long to realize that he wasn’t chasing the feeling of love; he was chasing a person he loved. Which led to the problematic question, who did Victor love? Victor loved Makkachin and Yakov and everyone on his skating team but it still wasn’t right  
Victor Nikiforov knew how to love

But he didn’t know how to be in love

So for all his past performances he skated to the notion of love, something he never understood, something he never felt. For this one though, he was chasing the boy from the banquet, black hair and blue tie. He chased the memory of his hands on Victor’s thigh and the side of his face. He chased a boy he didn’t even know but for all senses of the word, loved.

Victor chased the boy 

And Yuuri chased love

Two hearts, miles away, beat in perfect synchronicity

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

“Can you please send this… information to my legal guardian?” 

The doctor opened her mouth slightly, a frown evident in her forehead “of course Mr. Nikiforov, I’ll personally call him, just please read the pamphlet on possible procedures we can follow to make you more comfortable” 

Victor nodded and smiled and thanked the doctor, then slowly rose from his chair and left. He thought Yakov was just being over protective, recommending him getting checked out. He did so anyway, just to please him.

The bus drove past the stop outside the hospital, if Victor waited 10 minutes he could ride it to his rink, instead, Victor walked. It had stopped snowing about an hour ago but the cars driving past the sidewalks had left it brown. They hadn’t even been paved yet, but Victor still stomped his way through the foot of muddy slush.

He couldn’t feel the cold seep into his pants and bite his toes

When a buzz lite up the side of his thigh, Victor though for half a second that the cold had finally gotten to him, and he was developing frost bite. He pushed into his pocket and drew out his phone, Yakov was calling, Victor tried to recall the fondness he felt for the old man. Taking him in, coaching him, caring for him. Instead Victor just pushed the red button, and kept walking 

Another buzz from his phone, this time it was a text alert

‘I got the news’

‘Vitya stay home today, we’ll figure something out. I’ll come to visit you later’

Victor just laughed. Yes this was important, this diagnosis was supposed to be life shattering, but Victor had a routine, he had to follow every day and if something happened to it, something was wrong, what the doctor told him would be true

Victor put his phone back in his pocket and took a left 

In should have taken about an hour to walk to his rink but in seemingly no time, he was pushing the doors to his ice rink in, ignoring the news crews that had settled in to record them.

Victor didn’t hear the greeting Mila cast to him as he sat down and pulled off his soaking shoes. He didn’t respond, he just laced up his skates, wrapping the shoelaces around his pointer finger, trying to feel something. 

Victor was numb.

Victor was numb when he took to the ice and practiced his two new On Love performances. 

He was numb when he pushed Yakov away, concerned frown and everything. He could see his eyes; they were red with tears, which should have made Victor angry, Yakov treating him like some kind of glass doll  
Instead it just made him feel numb

Finally half way through practice, while Georgi and Mila gathered around Yakov to listen to him explain the upcoming season, Yuri still skating around the edges practicing his footwork. Victor donned his skating guards and left the ice. He could feel Yakovs eyes on him, and Yuri skated forward to begin complaining

“Why does Victor get to go off early? I wan-”

“mind your own business Yuri, and get back to work!”

“okay, okay I’m going old man” 

Victor usually would have thought that was endearing for both Yakov and Yuri, instead he left the ice, and then all of a sudden his shoes were on his feet, and he was walking out of the doors. It was like the world was put on fast forward and was skipping chunks. 

In a matter of minutes, Victor was in his condo, his favorite striped shirt on, and Makkachin around his feet. 

Even the realization that Victor, for the first time in his life wasn’t feeling anything, did nothing to scare him, jolt him out of this dream. 

Once Victor watched a show where the main characters soul was removed, he was still alive but no longer living. He was a dry husk of a man, no emotions, no life. That scared Victor worse than any horror movie ever could have, having to still experience life but without experiencing the joy that life brought with it. 

For Victor, it was longer a hypothetical, even that didn’t scare him.

Time began to blend together and Victor didn’t know how long he sat on that couch, before his phone started going off, all kinds of social media tagging him in posts. 

For a few moments, of watered down terror, Victor stared at his phone. Had someone found out? Had someone been listening in at the doctor’s office, recording the entire thing? Wasn’t that illegal anyway? Had one of the reporters been listening as Yakov talked to his doctor? But when Victor swiped to open his phone, and first clicked on twitter he was surprised to see someone else entirely. 

‘[Katski Yuuri] tried to skate Victor’s FS program [Stay Close To Me]’

Victor looked at the included video, any other day he might have ignored this, but it was something about the boy in the thumbnail his arm covering his face. 

Victor pressed play 

After he finished it for a first time, his eyes narrowed in anger. Something about the way the man moved looked familiar, and he’s obviously an ice skater, did he do it professionally? If so why wasn’t he competing against Victor himself? He executed his performance perfectly, even arguably, better then Victor. So what was stopping him? Did he not have a good coach? Did he not have enough support from his family?  
At the familiar feeling of anger bubbling in his stomach, Victor realized what was happening. He rewound the video and watched again, this time watching for emotion in the boys movements

He watched again

By the fourth time Victor was hit full force with the realization of who the boy was, long arms and flowing grace. He was the boy from the banquet, the boy he had danced with those years ago. The boy he had chased in his last performance was skating to his routine. Something else hit him to, he watched the performance a fifth time and by the end he noticed the tear streaming down the side of his cheeks, sticking to his hair, and his mingling with his lips. It wasn’t just the boy it was the diagnosis. The words from the doctor’s office echoing in his mind “a year left” and “Inoperable” and worst of all “I’m sorry”

The implication of what happened that day hit him full force, and before he knew it he was gasping for air, Makkachin was panicked making low noises of distress as he climbed farther on Victor trying desperately to console him in some way. 

Victor pushed him, feeling sudden panic climb up from his chest and settle into his throat to the point where he couldn’t breathe. Without any kind of control Victor fell to the ground, his legs curled up to his chest and his arms started vibrating, as if desperate to release some kind of energy that had worked its way into his body. Victor tried so desperately to accept it, accept what his doctor had just told him. That he was going to die. He was going to die. Victor tried to console himself and instead he just looked to Makkachin, still watching him with those big eyes. 

Victor raised a shaky hand and began to pet him. Who was going to take care of Makkachin? All this work he’s put into skating, and the things he’s learned will all go to waste in a year. Who will carry on his legacy? He never had a chance to become a couch. The thought brought on another round of tears and when they finally cleared, Victor could breathe. He still slightly too warm, and slightly too sticky, but he felt better. 

More than that, he felt. He could feel.

Victor turned to look at his phone that sat face up, the video paused, and the screen slightly dim. The boy, no Yuuri, frozen in mid spin. Victor could feel again because of Yuuri, he owed everything to Yuuri, it took a moment of grateful staring to remember what Yuuri had begged him a year ago

“If I win the dance off, come to Hasetsu and be my coach! You’ll do it won’t you Victor? Be my coach”

Well, he did win the dance off in the end. Victor owed him. He turned to Makkachin slowly.

“What do you say Makkachin? How does Hasetsu sound? I heard they have a beautiful ocean there” Victor paused for a moment "You up for one more adventure?"

Makkachin barked

Victor smiled, “well then… we better get packing”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment, a kudo, or hang out with me on tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine or at dariarawr  
> message me for the soundtrack to each chapter  
> next update on 7/6/17


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a few more seconds of laid back silence he added “my names Victor” 
> 
> “I know”
> 
> “What’s your name?” Victor pried
> 
> The man turned to look at him, giving him a strange look before offering a gruff smile “I’m Yakov”
> 
> Victor smiled and mulled the name over in his mind; it needed a little something extra
> 
> “Coach Yakov”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is pretty short, enjoy!

“Vitya don’t do this can’t we talk!”

Victor knew it was a mistake calling him before he left, as Victor walked, suitcase in hand Yakov found him on the street outside the airport. 

“Yakov you’re the best coach I’ve ever had nothing will change that” He knew the words underlying meaning, Yakov has always been more than a coach to Victor, he was more like a guardian, a father figure, who Victor always felt safe with, despite his gruff outward appearance. 

“If you walk away now you can never come back” 

The threat made him stop in his tracks, It was a threat Victor had never heard before, Victor had to remind himself it was just Yakov’s way of acting out. Victor left his suitcase and walked towards Yakov, leaning forward surrounding himself with the familiar smell before whispering “dasvidaniya” and kissing him gently on the cheek. With one hand still placed on his shoulder Victor said “I’m sorry but this time I can’t do as you say” he knew that would get a rise out of him

“What do you mean this time? You haven’t done what I’ve said once since I’ve known you!” 

Victor thought of him while on the plane, thought of the world he was leaving behind, the family he was leaving but with the news he had just received, he couldn’t exactly just leave it be. He had to teach someone how to skate like he could, he couldn’t just let what he knew rot. He wished Yakov would understand after all he was the one who taught him in the first place.

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

It was during his 16th skating performance, it wasn’t even a competition, when Victor pushed himself to land a triple lutz, his landing was wobbly as all get out, but he still landed it, Demetri told him afterward he just hit an awkward angle with his blade and couldn't stick it 

Victor had been skating for four years, it took a long time to convince his parents but after a few arguments, he was rewarded with the lessons as a birthday gift. His father didn’t drive him to the rink and Victor learned instead how to ride to bus to get there, Victor learned all too quickly that he didn’t talk to his father about skating. His mother also didn’t talk about it often, but with Yana, he could talk forever about it.

She would sneak into his room at night, and sprawl out on his bed like a starfish, pretending not to notice Victor lying there, Victor would giggle and push her off. Then she would lay on her back next to where he sat, her legs falling off the side of the bed and listen to him talk. He told her everything, and demonstrated certain moves as best as he could without an actual ice rink, he would go through entire performances with her, stopping to explain certain moves and positions. Dancing around his room, until Yana made him stop, afraid it would wake their parents. Sometimes they would just lie down and Victor would play her the music of his routine on a pair of headphones.

All too quickly skating consumed his life. When he started getting homework, he would leave directly from school and walk to the rink, by doing his homework there he was able to sneak in some extra time before and after practice. 

Demetri stood by him the entire time, helping him grow. Demetri would tell him that he needed someone else, someone that could really teach Victor what he needed. He only taught the basic levels, and each time Victor would tell him he didn’t need anyone else, that Demetri was the only coach he needed. 

When Victor was twelve, the morning of a performance his parents informed him through tight lips and averted eyes that they were finally coming to watch him, Victor was ecstatic, turning to grin widely at his sister who was seemingly all too interested in a grain of wood on the table. Victor practically skipped to ice rink that day, he was going to finally show them what he could do 

After practice, Demetri called him over, sat him down, and bought him a hot chocolate from the café inside the ice rink, next to the skate rental shop. They made small talk for a while before Demetri finally dragged his fingers through his shoulder length hair 

“Victor, I want you to know, that I’m...” he huffed out, and turned away, avoiding eye contact. 

Victor felt as if the moment was fragile, almost delicate 

“I’m moving.” He finally said “I’m going to go live with my girlfr- my fiancé in Sochi” he licked his lips and made eye contact with Victor. “I want to tell you personally because you are so important to me, and I want you to know that even if I won’t be here anymore, you need to continue skating. A friend of mine is coming to watch this performance, he teaches at a professional level.” 

“I don’t want any other coach!” Victor protested

At the sight of Victors wet eyes he sighed sympathetically and pulled him into his chest. “I’m so sorry Vitya” they stayed that way for a moment longer, Victors head nestled into Demetri’s hair trying to memorize the feeling “Promise me you won’t stop okay? Promise me” Victor gave a muffled sound of agreement to his chest and Demetri pulled back, looking him in the eyes 

“Good boy, now get out there and make me proud”

‘Get out there and make me proud.’ Those were words Victor carried with him through his performance landing a triple lutz despite being incredibly wobbly 'make me proud' he skated for those words, skated to do just that. 

Even when Victor struggled to find inspiration for one of routines in his late twenties, sometime he would simply try to recall his coaches words, and skate to please him. Maybe somewhere out there he was watching him from a television set; maybe somewhere out there Victor was still making him proud.

The second Victor stepped off the ice, Demetri scooped him into a giant hug

They stayed silent because the performance was still going on and two more girls had yet to perform but after they took a bow and the audience began to file out of their seats to meet their children, Demetri turned Victor around with an impressed smile 

“Did you see my lutz?! I kind of messed up” Victor asked

“You hit an awkward angle that's all, you almost did a quad”

Victor’s eyes shone “did I make you proud?” 

“Oh, so, so proud! I’ll be even prouder if you keep skating okay?”

This time Victor stepped back looking down to his skates, his red guards standing out against his black boots, but still he nodded “I will”

“Good boy, now I’m off to Sochi, my flight leaves in a few hours, go find your parents I’m sure they’ll be proud of you”

One last hug and then, giving a few last high fives and hugs to his other students, he was gone.

Victor left to the rink to find his parents, first he waited in the reception area, smiling and accepting compliments from other parents and grandparents, patiently waiting for his sisters face to appear in the crowd, for his father to clasp him on the shoulder and smile. After half an hour passed, Victor took off running back to the rink, maybe they stayed in the bleachers waiting for Victor to come to them but when he pushed through the heavy doors to the rink he found it nearly empty.

A custodian walked up and down the aisles picking up trash as he went, upon sight, the custodian waved at Victor 

“Hey did you see three people leave here? With hair like mine?” 

The custodian paused for a second and put his bag down “no I don’t think so, sorry kiddo” 

“It’s okay, thank you!!” Victor called and turned to wait back in the lobby, by this time most of his rink mates had left the rink with their respective parents. Victor gave one last wave to Daria as she left and then sat down on a bench himself to change into his shoes.

It was an hour later when the receptionist came to him, telling him that they were closing down for the day and he had to wait outside. 

Victor agreed, he made his way to the locker rooms, grabbed his jacket, his skating bag, and slipped on his shoes, smiling at the girl as she pushed the door open for him, before locking it after her. She wished him goodbye and climbed into her car. 

They probably just went home; maybe they were coming back with a present for him. Victor sat down on the curve outside, wrapping his scarf around his neck and looking out eagerly for any sign of his parent’s car when a person sat down next to him. 

It was man Victor had never seen before, shoulder length hair and a small face positioned in a scowl as if he was constantly angry. 

“I watched you skate you did good in there” the man said

“Oh thank you” Victor instinctively leaned away him

“You like skating?”

Victor nodded eagerly “yes very much, I love to skate”

The man nodded, he hadn’t made eyes contact with Victor, he noticed “did you know that you did a triple lutz in there?”

Victor nodded 

“You're leg was bent strangely, and your landing was sloppy but you had enough power and height to do a quad”

“Really? You think I could do a quad?” asked Victor, immediately warming up to the stranger 

The man gave a small humph as way of an answer “yes but you shouldn’t be doing that stuff at your age, you can win even without jumps like that” At that the two fell into silence

Victor turned to look up at him “Are you an ice skater?”

The man finally looked down making eye contact with him “even better” the man winked “I’m a coach” 

“Are you the man Demetri told me about? The professional?” Victor asked growing more excited by the second

He laughed “I would hope so. He called me to tell me he had someone special, a natural as he said” the man crouched down to face Victor “you know what?”

“what?” Victor asked transfixed 

“There is no such thing” 

“what!?”

“I mean it; you don’t just get good at skating just by being naturally good at it. You have to work for it, you have to live for it” the two fell into silence again and Victor turned to look down at the ground between them “You think you have what it takes to do that?” he asked Victor 

Victor nodded slowly 

“I can’t hear you” 

“Yes I do, I think I can do it” Victor finally spoke

“Do you think you can or do you know you can?” the man asked

He was a lot tougher on Victor then Demetri ever was. Victor nodded before remembering to speak “I know I can”

The man turned back to face the nearly empty parking lot “good. In that case I would like to talk to your parents about coaching you full time. How does that sound?”

“It sounds good”

“Well then, where are they?”

Victor didn’t answer him this time. Choosing instead to play with a blade of yellowing grass between his legs

“Ah” the man said leaning back to stretch “they didn’t come did they?”

Victor shot to his feet in anger becoming almost as tall as the sitting man. “They did too; they promised they would come to this one”

The man raised a single eyebrow “then where are they?”

Victor froze, his mouth opening and closing with no response. 

The man patted the place next to him for Victor to sit down again and after some internal debating Victor sat. 

“Well then, I guess I’m just going to have to wait with you until they come.” The man said “is that okay?”

Victor nodded 

“I can’t hea-“

“Yes that’s okay” Victor interrupted. After a few more seconds of laid back silence he added “my names Victor” 

“I know”

“What’s your name?” Victor pried

The man turned to look at him, giving him a strange look before offering a gruff smile “I’m Yakov”

Victor smiled and mulled the name over in his mind; it needed a little something extra

“Coach Yakov”

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

A woman was shaking Victors arm lightly 

“Sir we’ve almost reached our destination”

Victor blinked the fog out of his eyes and thanked her kindly. About 4 hours into the 9 hour ride, he had fallen into a dreamless sleep. He placed a seatbelt on when the light came on above him and glanced out the window again, this time greeted with a breathtaking view of Hasetsu's ocean.

The sunrise shone off the water’s surface reflecting a blinding orange, while also lighting up the ocean and showing past the clear surface seemingly thousands of miles below the surface. Victor was bluntly reminded of the ocean back in St. Petersburg, how he used to think the ocean never ended. A nostalgic smile formed on his face, he was leaving that behind ready to start a new chapter of his life. Ignoring the irony, Victor mentally prepared himself for what he was doing. What was he even going to say when he saw Yuuri? He couldn’t exactly just tell him that he was dying and thought Yuuri was the only one who could preserve his skating legacy. He didn’t want Yuuri to look at him the way Yakov had when he found out, like he was some kind of glass doll that could break any minute.

He pushed the thought to the back of his mind. He was still Victor; it was as easy as that. No tumor could ever change that fact, so for the next year with Yuuri he would remain as normal old Victor, friendly, and happy as ever.

When the plane landed and Victor reunited with Makkachin at the terminal, he was bombarded with posters upon posters of the one and only Yuuri Katsuki, by asking around the small town it was rather easy to find out that his family owned the last onsen in Hasetsu, and from there he found it only took a two mile drive to get there. Victor thanked the old man he had asked and started for the onsen stopping to marvel at strange statues, and busy market places, and the view of the beach in the morning

When he entered the hot spring, the first thing he noticed was how quaint it was. A family run business that was quite clearly familiar with everyone in it, St. Petersburg was always too big of a city to have regulars.

He was greeted by a nice man, who looked like he was always smiling. First he spoke in Japanese, he sounded happy enough but Victor didn’t have a clue what he was saying, Victor knew Russian, French and English, so he could traverse most of the globe and understand/ be understood well enough, most people he met spoke at least a little bit of French or English, but for Victor, any Asian language was completely unknown, Victor opened his mouth wordlessly, maybe he hadn’t thought this through completely.

Fortunately the stranger seemed to immediately understand his predicament, he ran an inn for tourists after all, he smiled and quickly changed to English “Good morning sir what can I do for you?” 

Victor greeted him letting his luggage go “Hello there, I was wondering if Yuuri Katsuki is here?” 

The man tilted his head to the left “are you a fan of his?” before Victor could answer the man continued “I think he’s still sleeping in his room, but I’m sure he’ll be down soon to help shovel the snow”  
A woman passed him with a platter of fruit

“As a matter of fact” he added, turning to the woman. “Could you go wake Yuuri and ask him for help in shoveling snow?” 

The woman smiled “of course dear, just let me put this down.” She turned to Victor eyes widening slightly when she saw him

Victor thought it was bound to happen sooner or later, only a matter of time before he was recognized.

“Good morning, welcome to our hot springs inn” she said before continuing on her way

“Oh of course thank you” Victor nodded before crouching down to untie Makkachin from his leash

“Oh what a beautiful dog, we used to have one just like him, passed away about a year ago, it’s a shame that is” 

“You do allow animals here right?” Victor asked rising his eyebrows?

“Of course we do big animal lovers here! Will you be staying the night?” the man asked adjusting his glasses with both hands 

“Dah, I will be” Victor gave a wide mouthed smile

“Good, now just put your luggage down, why don’t you go for a dip in our hot springs yeah? It’s what we’re famous for after all!!” 

In the bath, Victor played over what to say to Yuuri when he saw him. How would he make that startling first impression he always loves to introduce himself with. What would he say? As Victor dipped himself in the water and laid the towel over his head, because what was he supposed to do with a towel? He silently agreed it would be best to just do what came naturally to him, that’s what he usually did, no need to over complicate things. 

No sooner had the thought appeared in his mind, did a large crash sound from the distance. Sounds of muffled distress rang through the inn, first through the bathhouse and the sauna and then the door swung wide open and Yuuri Katsuki was standing out of breathe in front of him, the boy from the banquet, as beautiful as ever, if a bit larger. 

Victor felt himself stand up, revealing himself completely, “hello Yuuri, starting today I’m going to be you’re new coach. You’re going to get to the Grand Prix Final, and you’re going to win”

He could see the effects of his words and couldn’t help but throw in a wink for effect 

“What!”

Oh this was going to be fun

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

It had taken almost two weeks for Yuuri to work off the weight he had gained; Yuuri replayed the memory of Victor smiling proudly when he discovered how quickly Yuuri was dropping weight, while purposefully ignoring some rather distracting memories of Victor. 

Even though Victor has been living with them for a while now, Yuuri still hasn’t gotten used to waking up in the morning to see Victors robes falling off his shoulder. His casual touches, and his rather loud personality for everything from his parent’s special towel folder, which was essentially two boards that folded towels perfectly, to the castle up on the hill. Victor, it seemed, was enamored with Hasetsu, as well as the people there. 

Yuuri had almost died when Victor banged on his door the second night he moved in asking to have a sleep over. He almost died a second time when Victor fell asleep on his shoulder early the next morning and again when he bumped, chest first into him as he was leaving the bathroom. It hadn’t gotten any easier to see him around his house so he spent most of his days out, running, exercising, working out, anything that could help drop his weight easier, so he could actually do what Victor came all the way here to teach him. Every day off the ice felt like he was just disappointing Victor more, once at night he even tried to sneak on to work off some extra energy from the day but Takeshi and the triplets seemed like they had been trained by Victor himself, and personally threw him out of the rink before he could even touch the ice, with a few halfhearted apologies along the way.

So by the second week, after he stepped on the scale and saw his weight had dropped within a pound of his weight at the grand prix final, Yuuri called it close enough, and took off running towards the ice rink. He only realized he forgot his skating bag at home when he was half way there, he would probably just borrow a pair when he got there. His very skin itched to skate again. 

Still at full sprint, he ran past the crowd kept at bay by the Nishigori triplets and a small figure in black, and slammed into the doors. This whole Victor coming to train him had been great for business, both at his family’s hot spring Inn and at the Ice Palace, while reporters weren’t always the kindest, writing and publishing the embarrassing baby stories his parents continually fed them, they did pay well. 

“Yuuri” the triplets murmured in perfect synchronization. It used to freak Yuuri out when they did that, reminded him of a bad horror movie or something.

“Hey girls guess what?” Yuuri grabbed his stomach to bring some kind of relief to the stitch in his side “my weight is down to what it was before the Grand Prix Final, now Victor will finally give me permission to skate.” Pushing the doors open Yuuri felt a sudden pressure on his back, like he was being pushed and he fell through the doors landing on his back. For a moment he laid there wondering if his sudden and severe weight loss was causing him to hallucinate, which of course would be just his luck.

Before he could start with any more self-deprecating thoughts, a foot was grinded onto his head loosely. Less for pain and more for show, “all of this is your stupid fault now say you’re sorry” 

Some… kid was striking the Captain Morgan pose using Yuuri’s head as the rock, the whole thought was a tad bit too ridiculous for Yuuri to actually comprehend. 

The kid finally let up, leaning against the counter gracefully and began to talk. “A long time ago Victor promised he would choreograph a program for me. He promise you too?”

Standing Yuuri righted his glasses “we haven’t actually gotten around to talking about programs”

That infuriated the kid. “Huh!? If you’re not working on a new program, then what have you been doing, why is he wasting time on you” 

The kid changed his tune, his voice dropped to a snarl and his body language changed, less of a ‘I will kill you right now’ to a ‘I could make you suffer in unimaginable ways until you beg for death’ kind of a thing. He was putting up such a big show; Yuuri didn’t plan on stopping him, he learned most people with such a large façade are usually using it to hide something. 

“If he knew about your little sob fest in the Grand Prix he would realize there’s no point in training a big cry baby like you”

Oh. So that’s how Yuuri recognized him, he’s the Russian punk from the Grand Prix, the one who practically attacked him in the stall. A few things flashed through Yuuri’s mind before he could react,

1\. His name was Yuri Plisetsky if he wasn’t wrong

2\. Who used ‘cry baby’ as an actual insult anymore?

3\. He was only fifteen, he’s just a kid

4\. His bark is much worse than his bite

5\. He is severely underestimating Yuuri if he thinks that’s going to scare him off. He’s dealt with bullies before, he knows the only way to deal with them, is to take away their power. Kill them with kindness in a sense

So Yuuri smiled, which only proved to piss Yuri off further. He kept walking “I don’t know what kind of history you and Victor have, you should talk to him yourself” Yuuri stared walking “it’s not like I made Victor come to Hasetsu, he came because he wanted to be my coach.” He opened the doors to the rink, revealing Victor in his usual skating attire practicing a routine without any music playing. He’s seen Victor skate plenty of times before both on television and in person, but each time felt new. 

He heard Yuri gasp behind him, joining him by the side boards “I recognize those moves, there for the short program that Victor was choreographing for next season” 

Next season. “What?” Victor planned on a next season? Of course he did, it’s not like he had been planning this trip for a year now, he just cut things short for him. Yuuri tried to push away the guilt bubbling up below the surface

“Before he decided to come here, he was putting together routines for next season. But he was really torn; surprising the audience has always been what he cared about the most. For years the skating world has worshiped him, now no matter what he does no one’s surprised anymore. He knows that and it really eats at him. He doesn’t feel inspired, and without inspiration you’re as good as dead” 

Yuuri tracked Victor with his eyes. For all his life he knew about Victor, he knew about his dog, and his upcoming skating competitions, and his outfits, even his injuries, like when he broke his wrist after slamming into a side board back in St. Petersburg. He never once thought about Victor’s actual life though, his family, or his inspiration for skating. He could never imagine fame eating away at Victor, making him lose inspiration; he never even thought it was possible.

Was… was Victor coming to Hasetsu, quitting skating to coach Yuuri just another way of surprising his audience? Was he just another way to help Victor gain inspiration? That in of itself was an honor, to give a skating god inspiration, but… but that’s not what Yuuri wanted. He couldn’t name exactly what he wanted with Victor, but he wanted something more than just being an escape for him. 

“I wonder if he’ll let me use his program, he won’t need it if he’s going to take off this season” 

Yuuri turned to look at him. He sounded almost lost 

“If he gives me a chance I know I can surprise the audience.” Yuri looked down to where his arms are folded over the sides. Something about the way he stood made him look smaller, almost resigned, as if he was used to fighting to get his way. “I’m going to make my debut as a senior and win the Grand Prix Final. But I need Victors help to do it” Yuri was already starting to open up; all he needed was someone who could listen. 

Somewhere on the ice, Victor finished his routine 

“Wow you’re confident” 

Finally Yuuri straightened up, clutching the boards and yelling “Hey Victor have time for a little chat!?”

Victor turned around “oh hey, I didn’t even know you were here. I’m surprised Yakov let you come, need something?”

Yuuri internally winced, possibly the worst thing to say to Yuri right now.

“Uh oh that’s not a happy face. Let me guess, I forgot to do something I said I would do?”

Yuuri practically had to hold Yuri back from climbing onto the ice in anger. 

Oh god, this should be fun

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

After talking with the two Yuuri’s (Victor had begun calling the Russian Yuri, Yurio, after Mari offered the nickname, it got too complicated so who could blame him?) he was reminded of the promise he made to Yurio, that he would choreograph a routine for him if he won a competition, which of course, he did. Which wouldn’t have been a problem if he didn’t have a year to live, and if he wasn’t already going to coach Yuuri, so he decided that he would host a competition between the two, they would both be skating to two different routines to the same kind of music, and whoever won he would coach. 

Which was time-consuming, annoying, and painful, but still, things had been getting better for Victor 

Sure Yakov had practically disowned him, sure he had a ticking time bomb in his head slowly draining down to zero, and sure he was playing an incredibly risky game by gambling away his last year to coach whoever won this stupid competition, but things, for the most part were good.

Every morning Victor rode the bicycle the Katsuki family loaned him, past the beach, greeting everyone he came into contact with, forming a special connection with the fisherman he spoke to almost every day. He watched Yuuri and Yurio slowly becoming closer, despite the constant bickering. He watched Yuri naturally master the technical elements of the Agape program, and he watched Yuuri work tirelessly day and night to master his. Hasetsu was small, but he discovered daily that it always had something new to offer, a new shop, or a new person, or a new refreshing sight. After sending Yuuri and Yurio under a waterfall to go meditate, after all it was his sworn duty as their coach to mess with them; he went to go eat at Nagahama Raman which was delicious! The two Yu(u)ri’s joined him within the hour, and they all had a great time together, despite some bickering from Yurio, and when he showed up late the next morning with a hangover and a migraine, he watched the two helping each other with jumps, and Victor was bitterly reminded that once Victor was gone, Yuuri had to go to someone for help, he was glad he had just good resources. 

So yeah, things were good.

He remembered the look on the Yu(u)ri’s faces when he revealed what selection they would be performing. It was risky this whole competition but Victor had faith in Yuuri. He specifically choose Agape, a softer and slightly harder piece for Yurio, because while he’s an incredibly talented skater, Agape can’t be performed without a connection to the raw feeling of unconditional love. Even Victor had to fight for that feeling, recalling the nights he and Yana spent talking about skating. It would take far too long for Yurio to master that feeling and therefore master the program before the competition began. More than that he believed that it would help him to unlock his emotions when he skated, even after the competition was over, even if his more vulnerable emotions were hard to face.

Victor wanted Yuuri to skate to Eros, because while he seems to be a vastly different person then he remembered him to be at the banquet, Victor has still seen him up on that pole with Chris, being incredibly and almost shockingly sexual. He also knew that Yuuri would work tirelessly to master his routine before the competition, forcing him to adopt a personality would guarantee he skated with confidence during the actual competition.

So when the day of the competition finally came around, Victor had complete confidence in Yuuri, but still hoped the two would forget that the future of his coaching relied on the outcome of this competition.

They didn’t. 

He watched Yurio slightly over extend his triple axel during his routine and nail every other jump and spin. He did great, still, something was missing. He was impatient and brash, as if he couldn’t wait for it to be over, when Yurio finished Victor knew there was no agape in his performance. That was what he was holding out for, he knew with that lapse in his performance Yuuri could beat him. As he watched him slowly relax out of his ending pose, he knew Yurio was disappointed in himself, that’s not right he shouldn’t be disappointed.

“Yurio!” Victor called “that was the best performance I’ve seen from you so far! Go on take a bow!” even if Yurio didn’t do the best he knew he could, he still did wonderfully, he should be proud of himself

Victor watched Yurio skate around the ice for a few moments, smiling and waving at the audience, like he was trained to do. Good boy victor thought, a flurry of action however caught Victors attention. Yuuri was doubled over hands on his head, his chest rising and falling quickly. 

It's when Victor knew who exactly he was dealing with. There were rumors of course that Yuuri Katsuki was the 'figure skater with the glass heart', that little things bothered him, broke him, made him perform worse then he was, but Victor didn't believe the,, until now. 

Victor knew what was happening; he had seen skaters have panic attacks before. This couldn’t happen right now; Victor had to distract him somehow. He’s only been a coach for a few weeks he doesn’t know how to handle something like this, Victor, as always, let his instincts take over. He walked over to where Yuuri was standing, and gently spoke his name, hoping that in of itself would serve as a distraction, something to ground him and pull the world into focus. It worked too. Yuuri glanced up slowly at first and then made direct eye contact with Victor. 

Victor offered him a comforting smile “ready? You’re up” 

Yuuri gasped and clasped his hands over his mouth, like he had just witnessed something shocking, Victor flinched back at the sudden movement, and there they stayed for a few seconds, just watching each other in the dim lighting. Yuuri’s eyes shone like he was looking for something, just like they had back at the banquet, the air between them was charged with something that Victor had never experienced before, he couldn’t quite put a word to it. 

“y-yes I’m ready” Victor watched as Yuuri’s face grew more concrete as if he was consoling himself “I’m going to skate with everything I have out there today, I’ll be the tastiest pork cutlet bowl ever” 

Yuuri threw himself at Victor for the first time during his stay in Hasetsu, wrapping his hands around Victor’s neck and bringing their bodies close together in a hug “You’ll watch won’t you?” Yuuri asked 

Victor stayed there frozen, what was happening? Sure he had been hugged before, but whatever energy that was between them had carried in through the hug, It was like he was being attacked by emotions; Victor knew how to feel, everything from confidence to rage. But this, whatever was happening now, was something Victor hadn’t experienced before, something almost rare, something that felt almost delicate.

“Yes of course I will” Victor finally spoke. “I love pork cutlet bowls” 

Yuuri let go, and the moment felt like it was over. Like something had changed. He nodded, looking sheepishly down to the floor before sliding off his skating guards and taking to the ice, as a new person.

Victor watched him letting go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding along with any kind of lasting energy he still held. 

“Introducing our next skater, representing Japan a late bloomer that’s become a rising star. Yuuri Katsuki! He will be skating to On Love: Eros, he struggled with how to express Eros but drew inspiration thinking of his favorite dish, the pork cutlet bowl” 

Lights opened onto Yuuri’s figure, patiently waiting in the center of the ice. The opening notes to the music played. 

Victor watched Yuuri with something new, something he didn't know was there before 

Yuuri took a deep breathe, and began to skate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment, a kudo, or hang out with me on tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine or at dariarawr  
> message me for the soundtrack to each chapter  
> next update on 7/10/17


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Victor…” Yakov stepped aside gesturing for Victor for follow
> 
> Once inside, he was hit with a wall of heat, making him realize just how cold he was, running out into the streets with not so much as a jacket to keep him warm
> 
> “Yakov, darling who is it?” 
> 
> Victor’s eyes followed the voice to a woman who was splayed out on the floor in the middle of the splits wearing a pair of yoga pants and a sweater carefully draped to reveal two prominent shoulders. 
> 
> Upon sight, she quickly folded one leg beneath her and rose, concern plastered over her face, she looked first from Victor then to Yakov who was still lingering by the door
> 
> He came to rest his hand on Victors shoulder, apologizing when he flinched at the contact. 
> 
> “Lilia, I will explain everything later, first I think we should patch Victor up”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the three chapters I loving refer to as the Beach Chapters, enjoy!

Life goes on. 

If Victor has learned anything from his twenty seven years of life, it’s that no matter what happens, no matter who you lose along the way, life, always goes on. 

It’s something Victor has been fixated on lately. 

Victor wants to be a part of that life, even after he stops living. He doesn’t want to be a mere memory, someone people look back on and think ‘oh what a shame he died so soon’ Victor wants his life, the life that skating gave to him, to go on.

Watching Yuuri stake to Eros, transfix the audience and by all means surprise them, and clearly beat Yurio, Victor knew that he could live on through Yuuri. 

But picking the music for him, teaching him the choreography and helping him perfect the program along the way, wasn’t living on through him. Yuuri had to learn how to do those things for himself, when Victors not there to help him, now that’s something Victor should be focusing on.

His own death.

Victor hasn’t been thinking of death, he knows it there, like some kind of bug in his mind he can’t get out, but he treats the thought of it less with panic and more with a calm state of acceptance. He always knew he was going to die one day, everyone does. Victor didn’t even need his family to explain it to him as a child, or maybe he did but maybe he long forgot it and grew to just accept that everything that’s alive will die someday, so that obviously included him. Victor wasn’t even scared; he was almost comforted at the thought of it, this large life cycle that stops for nothing. It the knowledge of when he’s going to die that should scare him, and it did for a while. Knowing the time limit for your own life was a terrifying notion Victor never thought he would actually have to face. After a while, it just became annoying. When at dinner with the Katsuki family, his nose started to bleed and Mari pointed it out to him, it was just another reminder of what was to come, but it didn’t send panic down his spine like he used to, it was just an inconvenience.  
As long as Victor ignored it, pushed it to the back of his mind, and continued ignoring his doctors phone calls, life went along splendidly 

Still, when he suggested Yuuri pick out his music for his free skate, Yuuri uncomfortably declined claiming his coach always chose his music for him, which led to Victor requesting to talk to him later when both him and Yuuri were dressing after a relaxing dip in the onsen. 

Victor couldn’t help but notice how uncomfortable Yuuri seemed as he sat down on a bench; a towel wrapped loosely around his neck, as he dialed his previous coach’s number. Victor kept Yuuri in his field of vision, knowing all too well how fragile the skater was. He knew Yuuri probably felt guilty for quitting last year, leaving his coach, from what he knew about Yuuri’s previous coach, Celestino; he would be very understanding and kind with the situation. But what he knew about Yuuri, he would still bare guilt or at least shame. 

“Yuuri? Ciao ciao it’s been a while since the Grand Prix Final yes?” his voice echoed off Yuuri phone 

“Yeah I guess it has been a long time”

“I hear Victor has been coaching you now”

“He is” 

At mention of his name, Victor turned to watch Yuuri who subconsciously gave a slight bow in respect “I’m really sorry” 

Victor heard the coaches’ voice drop “what are you apologizing for?”

Before Yuuri could respond, Victor grabbed his wrist to bring the phone up to his mouth “ciao ciao Celestino. This is Victor, Yuuris coach” 

“Are you having fun playing coach? You’re not getting tired of it?”

Why did everyone think Victor wasn’t cut out to be a coach? Sure he hadn’t been planning on being a coach so soon, but it had been a life goal for Victor and he’s been doing well so far. Victor chose to ignore it “Hey I was wondering why you didn’t ever let Yuuri pick his program music?”

“Huh, I usually pick the music for my skaters but I don’t mind letting them choose if that’s what they want. Yuuri only brought me a piece once when I was coaching him. I think he had a friend of his compose it, it wasn’t bad but I wanted to be sure”

Oh, so that’s what went wrong. He must have cornered him asking him if he was sure in his choice of music, the second guessing would have made Yuuri lose any semblance of confidence he had.  
“I guess he just never had much confidence in himself of his decisions, I told him a million times to trust himself more but I don’t think it ever helped”

“That’s good to know thank you” 

Finally Yuuri broke his silence “Hold on Celestino, one more thing”

Victor watched Yuuri from where he sat 

“At the next Grand Prix Final, I’m going to make you proud” 

“I’m glad to hear that, that’s what I was hoping you would say after last year’s final”

When Yuuri hung up he outwardly sighed, relieving himself of the burden he must have carried for so long. 

“Yuuri, I think it’s time I heard this music he mentioned”

“Yeah okay  
”  
“Why didn’t you tell me before, I’m your coach aren’t I?” 

“I should have I’m sorry” 

Victor hoped against all odds that this music was something he could actually work with; he didn’t want to destroy his confidence anymore by turning it away. 

Watching Yuuri slowly gather his clothes to dress, he realized this was going to be harder then he thought

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Back at the rink, Yuuri felt like he was crumbling. 

Everyone seemed so excited he was picking his own music for the free skate; he felt like an adult failing to do something a kid could do easily. More than that though, Yuuri felt they were babying him, acting as if they were proud just to keep his confidence high, he just felt so weak.

Yuuko would inform him consistently of Yurio’s life back in Russia, and even though Yuuri beat him during the competition, he felt bad about it. Yurio left before he could tell him he did a good job, he had started to become a friend, and it felt like if anything, winning the competition scared him off. 

Yuuri couldn’t focus anymore. He felt himself unraveling like a spool of thread. So much so, that he couldn’t sleep anymore and would run off to the Ice Palace at night just to skate around practice a few jumps, which were getting progressively harder to land, which proved to only make Yuuri feel weaker, which made him more determined to land his jumps, which in turn became harder to land, and it was kind of an endless cycle.

And yeah, being with Victor was amazing. Being personally chosen to be trained by a skating god was amazing, and watching him skate was amazing. But since he made his debut during the competition with Yurio, he knew the world was watching him. Either angry for taking Victor from the skating world, which Yuuri already felt guilty about, or expecting him to be better than Nikiforov himself, a feat that Yuuri knew was impossible. 

It was just a lot to deal with. 

So after his practice with Victor, when he was doubled over clutching the side boards desperately trying to catch his breath, trying to explain in between heaving breaths that no, he hadn’t found music yet, when Victor casually mentioned that the music could come from a memory like “when a girl said she loved you.” Yuuri? Well Yuuri practically exploded on him.

“What!?” Yuuri yelled, what was it with Victor constantly trying to figure out his past? Trying to act like he knew Yuuri had a girlfriend in the past that he just wasn’t telling him about for some reason. Couldn’t Victor just leave it alone? 

A stagnant moment was shared between the two and Yuuri watched as Victor pulled back from the conversation, his face going blank. Almost like he was trained to act a certain way when being yelled at, Yuuri had never seen Victor look so small. The weight of what Yuuri had just done, slammed into him full force along with an immeasurable amount of guilt

Yuuri took a deep breathe “I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry” he rambled “I didn’t mean to snap at you I’m just really stressed right now” 

With that he watched Victor be brought into the present “no it’s my fault, I forgot you never had a lover”

At the moment, Yuuri ignored the fact that ‘no, that’s not the problem Victor, the problem is you keep pressing into my life and eventually you’ll find something you really didn’t want to’ He noticed Victor seemed to be immediately forgiving but the damage was already caused

“Why don’t you try your Eros program from the top and then you can call it a day okay?” Victor asked 

“oh-okay” 

Shit 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

He had been being coached by Yakov for about a year now, he had somehow convinced his parents that Victor had a great talent for skating and could become famous, and maybe even rich if trained professionally with him. He couldn’t believe it when Yakov came to tell him that he would be Victor’s new coach. 

Victor still didn’t know what ended up convincing him parents, but he strongly suspected it had to do with this whole rich and famous thing Yakov was talking about. 

It took seven months for Yakov to convince his parents to stop cutting his hair. He said it severely lowered his chances to become a professional ice skater. He sat down with Victor’s family explaining in a voice much gentler then Victor had ever heard him use before, that most ice skaters grow out their hair because it looks much better on the ice. His parents fought it of course saying that they ‘didn’t want their son to look like that’ and ‘we’re sure you understand we don’t want him getting the wrong idea’ and eventually ‘but we trust you’ 

Victor saw Yakov later that night reclined on his car, smoking. 

In the five months since his parents have stopped cutting his hair it had grown to reach his shoulders 

It had taken a year for Victor to come out to his parents.

It wasn’t even purposeful, he had told Yana about crushes he had, even admitting a year after Demetri left that he had a crush on him. She had laughed with him, but looked uncomfortable, changing the subject quickly. 

Victor became so used to talking with his sister alone, that it was hard for him to stop when they were in front of someone. That’s the problem; Victor would tell himself years later, I trusted my sister too much.  
He came home from school on one of the rare days when he didn’t have skate practice, giddy to tell her about his first kiss.

It was a boy Victor had been flirting with for a while now; he was an exchange student from Australia. He was by far the most beautiful person in the school he had large brown eyes and thick curly hair; everyone had a crush on him including Victor.

It had taken a year of ice skating for his parents to hit him. When he came home, he swung off his backpack and ran past his parents, and into his sister’s arms to give her a hug. 

“Yana today, Jack kissed me behind the school” she pushed him away from her, turning to look up past him, her eyes wide. 

Victor watched her, he didn’t know exactly what he had done wrong but he knew something had happened. 

It all started with silence. 

Then it slowly grew into a cacophony.

All Victor could remember was snippets, as if someone had taken out his memories and censored them, cutting away parts that were deemed unacceptable to remember. 

He remembered his sister stepping away from Victor

His mother arguing with his father, yelling at him, as he yelled louder

He remembered his father advancing towards him rapidly

And then there was pain, and Victor couldn’t see right and then there was more screaming

The last thing Victor remembered before he started running was looking at his sister who stood in the living room with empty eyes.

She did nothing.

The next time Victor could think straight he was outside of Yakov’s home; Yakov had given him his address just as a precaution told him to visit if he needed, he had even taken Victor there once when cut open the palm of his hand with his blade. Victor didn’t even know how he remembered it; his body just somehow knew the way. 

He stood outside his door, trying to get used to the uncomfortable feeling in his eye. In a moment of clarity, he started to wonder if this was really such a good idea. But as he started to realize, he had nowhere else to go, the thought of going back home, made tears form in his eyes. He finally started to cry, what had just happened began to weigh on him, the tears slipping out of his injured eyes uncomfortably making him cry harder. 

Finally, mustering his courage, he knocked on the door twice, letting his fists slip down to his side, the cold of St. Petersburg biting at his ungloved fingers. 

Getting no response, Victor knocked again louder, until he heard grumbling from behind the door and the shuffling of someone behind it

His heart began to beat in his ribcage. Victor swallowed

When the door swung open, and Victor made eye contact with Yakov, he quickly dropped his head in shame.

“Victor…” Yakov stepped aside gesturing for Victor for follow

Once inside, he was hit with a wall of heat, making him realize just how cold he was, running out into the streets with not so much as a jacket to keep him warm

“Yakov, darling who is it?” 

Victor’s eyes followed the voice to a woman who was splayed out on the floor in the middle of the splits wearing a pair of yoga pants and a sweater carefully draped to reveal two prominent shoulders.  
Upon sight, she quickly folded one leg beneath her and rose, concern plastered over her face, she looked first from Victor then to Yakov who was still lingering by the door

He came to rest his hand on Victors shoulder, apologizing when he flinched at the contact.

“Lilia, I will explain everything later, first I think we should patch Victor up” Yakov spoke 

At the heat seeping into Victor from Yakov’s hand, Victor shivered. Yakov was quick to take notice and slide his hand down to Victor’s bare arm. He gasped “Victor you are freezing, Lilia can you please go grab Victor a sweater?”

She nodded, still clearly distracted by the interruption.

Yakov sank to his knees in front of Victor swiping both hands up and down Victor’s arms for heat. “What were you doing out there with no coat? It’s almost winter” Yakov sounded angry

Victor sniffled trying to stop the tears still sliding down his face “I ran away” 

Yakovs eyes widened “You ran away?! In winter and didn’t think to grab a coat first?” Yakov yelled

It wasn’t odd for Yakov to yell, in fact that’s what he did most of the time while coaching Victor and the others, but for some reason at that moment the yelling seemed to hurt Victor. He flinched away, tears falling harder. 

Yakov seemed to realize what he had done; his mouth opened like he was going to say something but instead pulled Victor flush against his chest, in a tight hug. “I’m not going to hurt you boy, it’s okay. You’re okay” 

Yakov pulled him away by the shoulders looking to examine Victors eye, “here let’s get you into the bathroom, I’ll go grab an ice pack. It might help the swelling go down.”

Victor nodded.

That was the longest night of Victor’s life. He changed into a warm wool sweater that Lilia offered him, and pressed a light blue ice pack to his eye, he explained to Yakov what had happened and fell asleep on their couch. When Victor woke up a few hours later to loud voices in the kitchen, he heard Yakov telling Lilia that Victor parents were old fashioned. Victor didn’t ask what that meant, he just shifted the pillow under his head to be more accommodating for his eye and fell back asleep 

Yakov called the police in the morning to report what had happened.

He remembers people coming into the house to talk with him, he remembers answering lots of questions, and explaining what happened over and over and over again, as if they were checking him for consistency.  
Then they talked with Yakov, and Lilia, and then with Victor again. 

When the police left, Yakov explained to him that there would be a court date to determine where Victor would be staying.

He also sat down with Victor and explained to why his parents got so angry. He explained that they had a different belief system then everyone else. He said it was outdated, that most of the world recognized that they had lost the battle of homophobia, that most of the world outgrew those beliefs but that it had taken much longer for Russia to move on. To legalize gay marriage and for the hate crimes to dwindle down to near non-existence, but that some people still held onto the belief that it was wrong.

That his parents were one of those people.

Two days later, the court date came and passed and Victor was told he would be staying with Lilia and Yakov, if that was something he wanted. 

He was told his parents weren’t allowed to be near him, that they weren’t allowed to talk to him, or touch him. He was also told that in six months there would another court date to determine if he could return to his parents’ home. That the main goal was to keep him and his parents together. 

In four months Yana would turn 16, the legal age of adulthood in Russia, he celebrated her birthday in his room alone. Victor wasn’t sure when exactly the spare room Lilia and Yakov cleared out for him because his room, but over time they became his family, despite their harsh coaching, and their strict dieting plans for Victor.

And even at thirteen, Victor loved them with all his heart 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Victor didn’t mean to compare them. He really, really hadn’t. 

He knew Yuuri and his father were nothing alike; it wasn’t even a conscious decision. Yuuri yelled and something inside Victor turned back to the thirteen year old, standing in his family’s living room and watching his father advance towards him, shoulder drawn back. 

Victor cooled off in the bathroom, splashing water on his face to cool down. 

He honestly deserved to be yelled at. Yuuri has been under so much stress lately with picking the music, and the practice that day had been particularly grueling, Victor should have left him alone when he said he hadn’t chosen any music yet, not prying further into his love life.

Victor just kept constantly assuming that Yuuri must have had tons of lovers before, and could draw inspiration from one of his experiences with them, that was always an easy place to draw inspiration from for Victor. 

But Yuuri wasn’t Victor 

Victor had to remember that if he was going to be his coach, he was trying to teach him his ways not force him to be a replica of himself. Victor realized he was going about this coaching thing all wrong  
In order to teach Yuuri, he had to know Yuuri.

So the only logical explanation was to find a way to get to know him better. However, Victor had learned from his stay at Hasetsu that Yuuri held his past close to his chest, whenever Victor hinted, or gave Yuuri room to share something personal he was shut down. Victor was going to have to be persistent if he wanted results.

As he left the bathroom with a hardened resolve Victor, he saw Yuuri with his backpack already strapped to his chest. 

“Yuuri!” Victor called jogging over to him “why don’t we get some food?” 

“I’m okay thanks” Yuuri mumbled walking out through the doors. 

Over the next day Yuuri avoided him at every attempt to hang out Victor made. He even tried desperately for a slumber party. Victor only participated in a few as a child, but he always enjoyed them when Yakov would let him invite a few friends from school or skating to hang out. Although the people also being trained by Yakov, always seemed slightly uncomfortable to be at the same house as him after practice, but none the less slumber parties were always his fondest memories as a child. People braiding his hair, sharing secrets, there was something about blanket forts, pillows, and cups of hot-chocolate that made people want to talk all night long. 

But for some reason, Yuuri turned him away again at the request, so when Yuuri’s door shut, leaving Victor in the darkness, Victors eyes narrowed. He could tell Yuuri was still harboring some guilt over yelling at the ice rink; Victor was going to find a way to get through to him, dammit.

The next morning, hours before Yuuri was supposed to show up for his daily practice, Victor was the Ice Palace as always. Playing over the events of yesterday in his mind unconsciously going through his fourth Grand Prix Final program replaying the Russian recording of Once Upon a December in his mind as he went through the routine. Sometimes his mind would go back to old programs and he would redo them, being able to witness his progress proudly. 

Finally he stopped in the middle of the rink, the familiar feeling of emptiness beginning to crawl back into his body. Victor shook it away and decided to do something reckless, something Yakov would be disappointed in him for. 

Time to skip a day of practice.

As Victor took off his skates, thanked Takeshi for letting him use the ice again, and explained they won’t need it for the rest of the day, Victor stored his bag away in one of the lockers at the Ice Palace and began riding back to the inn watching the sunrise reflect off the ocean’s surface. Hasetsu was a beautiful place

The sun was fully risen by the time Victor pulled up by Yu-topia, parking the bike inside the inn with a smile to Yuuri’s parents, at their confused looks Victor explained that he was giving Yuuri the day off from practice to help him with some of his stress. 

“oh that’s a wonderful idea, none of his past coaches ever stopped to consider Yuuri’s anxiety and stress levels, it means so much to us that you would not only recognize that but also work to accommodate them” Yuuris mother said, with a thankful smile

“Of course Hiroko, I think everyone needs a break every once in a while” Victor dropped his hand, tilting his head “I want to spend more time with him, but I don’t know where to take him, he keeps avoiding me” he confessed 

Hiroko smiled and continued folding towels for her guests. “He gets like that every once in a while, best not to let it get to you. But if you ask me, I would invite him to the beach, even if it is too cold to go swimming, that boy never could resist the beach, he loved it as a child”

“Thank you that’s a great idea!!” 

Victor hugged her quickly before dashing off to Yuuri’s room. He should be getting up by now to start practice, hearing some kind of commotion behind the door, Victor swung it wide open stopping to stare at a fully clothed Yuuri hidden partially under his bed sheets. 

“Let’s skip practice today. We can go down to the ocean!”

Yuuri turned around slowly to face him “yeah okay”

Yuuri grabbed his jacket and toed on a pair of running shoes when leaving the inn. Victor placed a collar on Makkachin, and threw Hiroko a grateful smile which in turn granted him a wink. Victor was starting to really like Hiroko. 

The walk to the beach was quiet. They stood side by side the entire way there, Yuuri tried to look anywhere and Victor let him, choosing instead to relish the quiet between them, Victor was all about an exciting life but days like this, quiet and simple days, were ones he truly relished 

By the time they made it to the beach Victor took the leash off of Makkachin letting him run across the empty beach, he was going to tire himself out soon if he continued like this Victor thought in amusement. Makkachin wasn’t exactly old but he also wasn’t the young puppy he was years ago.

A benefit of dying young was that he didn’t have to watch loved ones go through the same thing. 

Victor sat down next to where Yuuri settled watching him in rapt fascination, he looked so uncomfortable

“The ocean is really beautiful” Victor said tempted to turn and watch Yuuri for some kind of response, instead he kept his eyes planted on the waves.

Yuuri gave a kind of grunt of agreement 

“I heard you used to come here as a kid” Victor prodded 

Another grunt 

“What did you used to do here?”

“Well I used to play with my sister, pretend to be mermaids and all.”

Victor couldn’t help but laugh quickly speaking to show it wasn’t in judgment “My sister and I did that too” Victor realized he started to over share and kept his eyes on the horizon, hoping Yuuri didn’t pick up on how uncomfortable Victor was at that moment.

“You can go swimming in this ocean?” Victor asked quickly changing the subject

“yeah of course it’s always a little bit cold, but it gets warm enough during the summer…” when it Yuuri let his voice die out, the sound of the waves before him drowning him out. It made him sound extraordinarily small. 

Victor couldn’t help but feel as if Yuuri wanted to say something more; he nudged Yuuri’s thigh with his knee, “yeah?”

“Well even when it wasn’t warm, it was still beautiful.” He stayed for a moment letting a small unconscious smile sneak onto his face “I used to do this thing, and it’s really dumb” he finally looked up to where Victor was watching him, making bashful eyes contact.

Victor gave him an encouraging smile

“Well I used to um…” he looked at a loss for words, taking a breath as if he were about to continue talking then letting it go and returning to silence. “When things were perfect you know? Like the clouds were at the perfect place in the sky blocking just enough of the sun but not too much. And the waves were perfect; the ocean was… you know? I wanted to capture it, but photos always made it look to small or too far away or… whatever” he took a deep breathe finally looking up from the sand between his legs to the ocean. 

Victor followed his gaze looking out 

“I was a kid so I thought whenever I closed my eyes the world would just” Yuuri paused for a moment, his eyes were glazed over, it was clear he was deep in thought “stop”

“What do you mean just stop?”

“I mean it would just… stop you know? The perfect wave wouldn’t crash on the beach, so the sandcastle me and Mari made wouldn’t be washed away, and the clouds wouldn’t move, and the seagulls wouldn’t fly away. The world would just stop, and preserve that perfect moment, and all I had to do was-” Yuuri closed his eyes holding his head up higher to the sun, as if basking in it. “-close my eyes”  
Victor realized somewhere in the course of their conversation something had shifted, something big either in their relationship or in the way he viewed the world, Victor wasn’t quite sure what it was but it was something, something almost sneaky. Quietly slipping into their conversation, as if was always there, making everything quiet, everything delicate, everything almost annoyingly comfortable

“And what happens when you open your eyes again?” Victor asked “what happens to the little moment you created?”

“I guess everything goes back to normal, your life continues where you left off”

“Can you never open your eyes?”

“Well I guess, but if you never open your eyes, you can live in that moment forever and it can be beautiful and fantastic, but it’s not real you know? There comes a time when you need to wake up I guess...”

“hhm”

“See I told you it was stupid” Yuuri said dropping his sight down to the sand. He curled his legs up to his chest crossing his arms and burying his chin between them 

“No it’s… its beautiful” 

Yuuri looked up to Victor who was staring wide eyed at him

“Really I should try it sometime” a way to stay immortal, forever, preserved in a perfect moment in time, it really was a beautiful notion

Victor should share something too, to make Yuuri feel comfortable in opening up. For a moment all he could think of to share was his diagnosis. The thought was eating away at him, the knowledge that all it took was a few words, and then this invisible boundary Victor has created would fall away, Yuuri would know. Anything else come on, anything else. Victors mind raced, he looked to the waves and was reminded of his childhood in St. Petersburg, so, as always, Victor followed his instincts 

“When I was a kid, when I went to the beach, I used to think the ocean had no bottom.”

Yuuri turned to look at him 

Victor gave him a goofy smile when he noticed he was being watched “it was a stupid thing my sister said to try and scare me, see I loved swimming and I would never leave the water, so she told me if I didn’t get out, I would sink and sink and sink and never hit the bottom. Of course after that, I was terrified of swimming, but I used to stand up on this cliff that over looked the ocean, and I would throw rocks into the sea because I always thought the rock would never hit the bottom”

Victor stopped for a moment, hoping against hope that he was saying the right thing “It made me happy. Thinking I could do something that would never end, it was my way of rebellion against the world I guess” Victor kept a smile on his face and his voice light wrapping an arm around Makkachin when he came to sit down between them

“It’s weird, right?” Victor asked with an over large smile

“No... It’s beautiful” Yuuri echoed, repeating what Victor had told him only moments ago 

Victor turned to look at Yuuri who shared a cautious smile with him “I should try it sometime”

Victor smiled back, and they both turned to face the ocean letting the sound of the waves lull them into a comfortable silence. Victor was tempted to close his eyes but the perfect day hadn’t come for him to preserve yet. He hoped maybe Yuri would do it with him, keep him alive in memory, keep him immortal. What a selfish thought, Victor sat in shock that the thought came through his mind before the seagulls cried and broke him out of it. The silence turned sour, and confining. He could feel Yuuri almost crawling back inside his shell; he had to do something, and quick. 

“Ah the seagulls, black tails calls. I love the sound they make. Whenever I hear their calls in the morning it makes me think I’m back in St. Petersburg. I never thought I would leave the city so I didn’t take the time to appreciate the seagull’s cries” the question was left unasked, would he ever get to hear them again? 

“Now I find them strangely comforting” realizing he was talking too much he turned and asked Yuuri “have you ever felt like that before?”

Yuuri didn’t stir but began to talk, “back in Detroit there was this girl that was really pushy. Always talking to me, asking how I was doing”

Victor continued listening intently

“Then one day a rink mate had an accident. I was worried, really worried. That girl was in the hospital waiting room with me, she tried to give me a hug, you know to comfort me.” He took a deep breathe, Victor could tell it was hard for him to continue “I just reflexively shoved her away”

“Wow” Victor said “why would you do that? 

Victor knew with this conversation their relationship began to grow

“It felt like she was trying to tell me I was weak or something. She was intruding on feeling she didn’t have a right to. It made me think of everyone back home, Minako, Yuuko, Nishigori, my family. They never treated me like I was a weakling, someone who needed his hand held. They had faith that I would continue to grow and they let me do it, helping me without ever making me feel weak”

Victor knew Yuuri wasn’t just telling Victor a story; he was also guiding him in how to coach him. Victor kept listening, every word was important. 

“You aren’t a weak person Yuuri. Nobody who knows you would ever think that” 

After a moment of silence, Victor felt compelled to ask a question that had been bugging him since he arrived. At the banquet, Yuuri seemed like he wanted Victor, made him feel like he wanted to be with him, made Victor feel loved. Now though, after Victor was offering himself up to him willingly and compliantly, it was as if he was being ignored. The entire reason he invited Yuuri out to the beach in the first place. “Will you tell me, what it is you want me to be to you? A father figure?”

“No…” 

“A brother or just a friend?”

Yuuri just grumbled into is knees. He looked progressively more uncomfortable, but he had to push

“So then your lover” Victor only half joked, watching Yuuri almost jump out of his seat at that “I’ll try my best”

“no no no no” Yuuri stood up clutching one fist to his side 

Victor was looking forward to his explanation, maybe tease him some more

“All I want is for you to be who you are!” 

And that struck a chord in Victor, one he didn’t even know he had. ‘be who you are?’ How the hell was Victor supposed to do that?

“I look up to you, I always have” Yuuri began to blush and dropped his eyes “I was afraid to let you see my shortcomings. I guess that’s why I’ve been avoiding you” he admitted “I’ll make it up to you by skating my best” 

Oh right, skating. That’s why he was here, not to watch the ocean. Victor turned and offered his hand up to him “you have a deal, and I won’t let you off easy. That’s my way of showing my love” That last bit might have been too far, he thought but Yuuri accepted Victors hands and for a moment they just stayed there, hand in hand, in silent contentment.

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

They stayed on that beach for almost the rest of the day, walking to the market to grab some food, and making small talk the entire time. Victor realized that Yuuri still kept to himself, not fully comfortable with Victor’s presence, but it was a start.

When Yurio left after he lost the competition, Hasetsu didn’t darken as much as Victor expected. Sure he missed his presence, but something about being with Yuuri made everything seem brighter. Victor learned later that night that Yakov brought (his now ex-wife) Lilia to train Yurio back in Russia, he thought it was a good decision, if he knew anyone stricter then Yakov it was Lilia. Victor’s free nature tended to piss of Lilia, and they got in more than a few fights, still he can’t ever forget when he first saw her dance in the Russian ballet. Her whole body flew across the stage in seemingly improvised dance moves, while still under perfect control. Victor had more respect for her and her talent than he ever had for anyone. 

He joined her for a few of her dance lessons, he wasn’t technically allowed to join, but the rest of the dance group always turned a blind eye to his presence when he would practice along with them from the back of the room. Skating was something that came easily for Victor, but dancing while similar, seemed much harder for him to understand. He had to repeat the steps continually before they started to make sense to him. Once a girl offered him a hair band to keep his hair that had now reached his mid back out of his face, that night Victor practiced in front of a mirror on how to tie his hair into a bun, Lilia who had walked in on him just sighed and began to comb his hair offering her advice. Telling him if he was to become a dancer, he had to know these sorts of things. Victor didn’t plan on becoming a dancer, but he liked to find new ways to style his hair.

Yurio needed someone who was stern enough to keep him in his place; Lilia was the only person Victor thought was strong enough to scare Yurio into submission.

Victor wished him the best.

By the time the sun was setting in the sky, they made their way back to the inn; Mari and Yuuri’s father were still up, waiting for the last few customers to go to bed before closing for the night.  
Victor noticed the more playful aspects of Yuuri’s personality shine through along with his competitive drive. As the music Yuuri had chosen a few years ago was being remade, Yuuri was determined to land most of Victors jumps, practicing them over and over again finally landing a quad lutz, by the end, Victor noticed how much stamina Yuuri seemed to possess. 

While Victor was doubled over trying to catch his breath and throwing off excess snow that had gathered on his blade, he made small talk with Yuuri about his overwhelming stamina something that had showed up more often over the past few days. Eventually the conversation lapsed into age, something that Victor had been obsessing about recently with his new diagnosis, and he noticed the second he mentioned that Yuuri was younger then him, Yuuri pressed a finger into Victors scalp.

Victor froze, staring down at the ice. What does one do with something like that?’ Follow your instincts Nikiforov’ he told himself

After Yuuri’s frantic apologies that followed, Victor placed one hand to hair “Is it getting that thin?” he asked 

He could almost imagine Yuuri’s face “no no no no it’s very thick and shiny” 

And just because Victor is dramatic like that, he fell to the ice, pretending to be mortally wounded by Yuuri’s words, followed quickly by Yuuri who sank to the ice with him to apologize.  
Ah fun times 

And at night while half asleep, when Yuuri burst into his room, almost straddling his thighs excitedly shoving a pair of headphones towards Victor, he registered a few things before he started to actually focus on the music coming through the headphones. First that Yuuri stepped on Makkachin’s tail accidentally and the big baby was nursing his injures looking up to Victor for attention that he would gladly supply once he got his groundings. The second was Yuuri who looked sleep idled, and slightly crazed was watching him with those big eyes. The third of course was that he was actually supposed to be listening to the music and once he turned back in again his interest was piqued by the fast playing piano music, and a high note in which he could perfectly imagine Yuuri landing a toe loop there. Victor rose from where he was reclined in his bed and looked back at Yuuri and nodded.

The next thing he registered was Yuuri’s smile, but this time it wasn’t a polite one he wore every once in a while to thank or greet someone. It was big, unashamed, and brash, in all senses of the word it was Yuuri.  
Tomorrow they would start on choreographing the free skate to match the music, but first he had a wounded dog to pile attention on, and needed a long nights sleep. He invited Yuuri to sleep in his room with him again, sharing a smile with Yuuri, as the whole slumber party thing became an inside joke between them. Yuuri of course declined and left to his room to sleep, being reminded to be up early for practice.

Yuuri left him with a “I know” 

And Victor left him with a smile. 

If Yuuri could choose music like that, no if Yuuri could go out of his way to have an old colleague remake music like that just for his free skate. Yuuri could carry on the legacy Victor was building, now that he thought of it, Victor wouldn’t want anyone else carrying on his skating legacy beside Yuuri. First they had to get through the Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu men nationals to qualify and secure a spot in the Grand Prix Final, and then they would take it one competition at a time, slipping into his fantasy dream state again, Victor could almost imagine his last year, coaching and guiding Yuuri. He could imagine them winning gold, travelling the planet together, in an odd moment of comfort Victor could even imagine Yuuri when he was gone, still skating, still winning, still carrying on Victor legacy

The last thing Victor thought of before he sank back to sleep, now with a melancholy smile settling on his face, was that it’s true 

Life goes on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I based Victor's abuse on a friends, she went through practically the same thing but it went on for about two years before she spoke out and got the help she needed, I have experienced what this kind of abuse can do to people, and I want to do this subject justice. If anyone wants to talk to someone, I'm always, always, open. You can message me for my number, email, or any other social media. Here is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY), believe me my friend never thought things would be better and by speaking out, and seeking help, she is now living in a very caring home, and her life has greatly improved.
> 
> Leave a comment, kudos, or come hang out with on my tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine or dariarawr  
> comment for the soundtrack to this chapter  
> next update on 7/15/17


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the doors slid open, a large family tried to slide in before even realizing Victor and Yuuri were there. The mother froze and gave a slight whimper, in one arm, she held a large cloth bag and in the other, she held a child only few months old by the looks of it. A toddler stopped picking her nose to point at the pair of them with wide eyes. 
> 
> A boy who looked to be about 16 turned to shove what looked like his twin who was bent over texting on his phone.
> 
> The boy kept texting
> 
> He shoved again, this time harder 
> 
> The boy shouted something in Spanish before finally looking up from his phone, his head following the rest of his families stopping at Victor and Yuuri. He gave something between a gasp and a hiccup and his phone dropped to the asphalt below
> 
> Victor smiled awkwardly and gave a small wave "hello!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a biggin' strap in and enjoy!!

“Why did you choose the theme of love for your skating programs this season?”

Since Victor and Yuuri had arrived at China for the beginning of the Grand Prix, they’ve been hammered by reporters, left and right. Everyone was dying for an interview and after practice for a solid hour Yuuri had been answering every question they could throw at them, and not very well. Victor was dying to step in and answer some of the questions for Yuuri, but, as he reminded himself time and time again, that is not what coaches do. So he sat back at and let Yuuri speaking hoping that with time he would get better. 

He really, really didn’t. 

“Well it’s something I feel very deeply, it’s all around me… all the time so I thought I would incorporate it into my skating career”

Victor listened by Yuuri’s side with detached interest

“Do you believe the power of love will help you win the Grand Prix Final?”

“umm… yes”

“why?” the reporters shoved there microphones and recording devices closer to Yuuri’s face.

Yuuri ran a hand through his hair, “well… the power of love is really… powerful an-”

Victor turned towards Yuuri to save him from his ramblings “I’m hungry and this is boring can we get hot pot now?” 

Ever since Victor had been given a taste of east Asian food, he was excited to try anything he could come across, Yuuri who was familiar with Chinese food, had promised to take Victor there sometime after the practice that night. 

“I’m kind of in the middle of an interview here,” Yuuri said bashfully

Victor barely held back from a sassy comment about Yuuri bombing an interview if anything, before thankfully getting distracted

“Oh it’s Yakov!” This was their first reunion since he left back in Russia. Victor knew Yakov was angry but he figured that with some time to cool down, he and Yakov would be back on talking terms. Although he loved his time is Hasetsu he couldn’t help but missed him, most of his life has been spent with Yakov so the sudden absence of him in his life hurt more then he cared to admit. Victor planned on spending any spare time he had in China with him

He followed him when Yakov didn’t stop walking, favoring instead to grab the back of his jacket like he did when he was a child. “Hey, hey we’re going out for hot pot, you want to come?” Victor asked

As Yakov kept walking Victor continued “You’re not ignoring me are you” And while Victor thought this was a possibility, because Yakov was the most stubborn man he had ever met, and could hold a grudge, he was the only other person who knew about Victors diagnosis and he didn’t think he would actively ignore Victor with the knowledge that he only had 9 more months left. 

Thinking those kinds of things never got any easier for Victor.

“Victor” Yakov said finally turning around 

Victor couldn’t remember the last time Yakov called him Victor, it was always Vitya, or boy, or even on rare occasions son. 

“Go away; watching you play pretend coach makes me sick to my stomach”

Ouch.

“I don’t want to talk to you, not until you beg me to salvage your skating career is that clear enough?” 

Victor knew Yakov wanted him to skate until he couldn’t stand. Victor knew Yakov knew that skating made Victor happy and he also knew as well as Yakov did that this would be the last season to compete, but Yakov didn’t know that Victor couldn’t stand that numb feeling inside. He couldn’t stand it if he finished this season and died not passing his knowledge on to anyone else. It was something Victor didn’t even like to think about, something he would prefer to just ignore.

Victor watched him blankly for a few moments, the he dealt with that kind of pain in the only way he knew how, by pushing it down and focusing on something else. 

He turned around an wrapped an arm around Yuuri “I guess Yakov’s not interested, let’s go” 

God Victor hoped they had alcohol there 

As Victor and Yuuri walked Victor constantly tried to distract himself from thinking too much about what Yakov had said. Victor was enamored with the exotic country, throwing himself into the sights and the smells, Yuuri had to practically drag him from each market place he stopped at, reminding him of the promise to get Hot Pot. Victor was thankful for Yuuri’s assurance, knowing without it, he would have stopped ten times already eating at each place he went, and while with Victors high metabolism that wouldn’t be the worst, but he still wanted to splurge at the hot pot place Yuuri told him about. 

“Hey Victor” Yuuri asked walking by his side

“Yeah Yuuri what is it?”

“What was your favorite performance, the one you look back on and feel proudest of?” 

Victor thought it over, straying left on the streets unconsciously at a smell coming from a market place down the road, the Chinese lanterns barely seen past the smog of Beijing.

“I’ve never really thought about that before” he confessed “let’s go down here first” pulling on Yuuri’s arm he guided him down to the market, finally giving in to the strange smells and sounds coming from within.

“Victor we really should be getting to the restaurant if you want to try Hot Pot” the anxiety practically seeping through his words

“No, we’ll make it in time; I’ve always wanted to see a market place like this” Victor already had his eyes trained on a table a few yards ahead that held something that looked like it was still moving

“Victor…” 

Finally Victor turned around, and placed one finger on his chin “I’m you’re coach aren’t I?”

“Well yes”

“And as your coach I know new experiences can be good for athletes, it can broaden their horizons no?” This wasn’t the first time Victor pulled the coach card, and it hopefully wouldn’t be the last 

Yuuri just shifted uncomfortably, and Victor grinned knowing he had won, just turning to grab Yuuri’s hand and continue on down the aisles. 

Everywhere around him, the world was alive. Things were being cooked, or served raw, or still slightly twitching. There were trays of beetles flipped on their back, and a hot pan slowly roasting what looked like tentacles, there were boats of sliced fruit, and, at Victors delight, lots and lots of alcohol. Victor, who didn’t speak a drop of Mandarin, listened as the people spoke to each other. Pretending for a moment that he could understand what they spoke about, making his best guess when he could. One couple who held hands pointed to something in the distance with what looked like a skewer of crawdads. They took off jogging towards it. 

Victor watched them, with a slight smile playing on his face. A man behind a booth yelled at a man across the way, he didn’t seem angry but Victor pretended they were long lost rivals, fighting over who got more customers. Finally Victor spoke “I guess my favorite performances were ones that I made myself, like the one I did for my second Grand Prix free skate, the one to Anastasias Once Upon a December.”

“Yeah I remember, the one sang in Russian right?”

“Yes exactly! It’s not the first I choreographed myself, but it’s one of the ones I’m proudest of. I just love the lyrics it was one that was really easy for me to skate too because I felt so emotionally connected to it”  
“Is it easy for you to get emotionally connected when you’re skating? It’s always so hard for me”

“Dah, it always has been.” Victor stopped walking, forcing Yuuri to stop too, still connected at the hands. To avoid blocking the foot traffic, Yuuri guided them to a small space between booths. “See I feel so much all the time, and I don’t know why but it makes it easy to skate with passion, like I feel so much love from everyone around me all the time, and all different kinds of love too. I see a kind of sibling shared love in your relationship with Mari. I see platonic love, between Minako and you, or even two random people I see on the street. I see romantic love; you know, the purest form of love between-”

Victor looked up and made direct eyes contact with Yuuri. Yuuri looked up in wonder, he seemed to be holding his breath and Victor realized he was too. Yuuri’s deep brown eyes reflecting the Chinese lanterns hung behind Victor.

Whatever he was going to say died on his tongue. 

A blush broke out across Yuuri’s face and he looked down, breaking their eye contact

Victor was suddenly uncomfortably aware of Yuuri’s hand still clasped tightly in his. Clearing his throat Victor let go of his hand.

“So yes” Victor continued letting his last sentence remain unfinished “it’s easy for me to show emotion in my programs, and soon enough it will be for you too. It just takes time”

They moved on from the moment quickly 

“I don’t know about that Victor, that’s always been the hardest part for me, feeling anything when I skate”

“Yuuri, I don’t think that’s true. I think you feel a lot when you skate, I just think it’s hard for you to express that. Especially when you know others are watching, I’ve seen you do it tons of times in practice. You just need to find a way to show when you’re actually performing”

“I guess” 

They stood for a few moments, surrounded by the thick smells. “anyway I want my Hot Pot now, let’s go” Victor said, physically refraining from grabbing Yuuri’s hand to pull him with him again, instead just letting him follow, as they left the way they came in. 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Despite how little sleep Yuuri got that night, he felt incredibly well rested the next morning, he was surprisingly woken up by an over enthusiastic Victor. 

Yuuri was still shocked at just how well Victor bounced back after getting completely wasted the night before. I mean, sure he was Russian and all but it still didn’t seem possible. Celestino was a lightweight, and Yuuri and Phichit didn’t even think about touching alcohol the night before their competition, Yuuri just knew that when he started drinking he can’t control himself, and ends up with a migraine the next day and a bunch of questions about what even happened the night earlier. But Victor? Victor eventually worked his way into a friendly competition with Celestino and drunk himself half to a stupor, eventually somehow losing his clothes and clinging off a terrified Yuuri right around the time Leo and Guang Hong showed up. 

Yuuri thought he deserved a prize for getting Victor back to the hotel. It was hard enough to keep track of him in a foreign country, when Victor was sober but when he was drunk. Yuuri had to practically hold his hand so he didn’t lose track of him, which wasn’t the worst thing in the world. When he found his way back to their hotel room, he threw one very loud and inebriated Russian on the bed opposite his and then immediately fell asleep on his.

In the waiting room after early morning practice, Yuuri scrolled through his apps aimlessly in an attempt to waste time, before he scrolled past an image on his Instagram. 

“Seriously!” 

It was a photo of shirtless and drunk Victor clinging to a very drunk Yuuri, half of Phichits face hanging on the left side of the screen.

“Sorry” It’s like Phichit had been awaiting his response. He looked sheepish “I wasn’t going to but then I couldn’t help myself”

In his state of internal panic, Yuuri didn’t notice the man creeping up behind him to wrap an arm dangerously close to Yuuri’s butt, coming to rest on his thigh. A warm breath was in his ear

“Yuuri, why didn’t you invite me to the party?” The facial hair on the man’s face tickled his ear and Yuuri leaned away slightly. Noticing the man, it was Christophe Giacometti the Swiss ice skater who placed second after Victor in last year’s Grand Prix. They had talked a few times last year, but other than that, they had no real relationship.

“It was just hot pot” 

“You’re in better shape than last year. I guess your new master must be giving you very thorough training eh?” Christoph smirked slightly at the sight of how uncomfortable Yuuri was at the proximity of their bodies and the blatant innuendo 

“Hi Chris, how are you doing this year?”

Victor stepped in, and Chris almost immediately backed off Yuuri turned to Victor and started drawling, “I’ve lost all motivation, how could you abandon me?” Chris reached up to grab Victor tie, and invade his personal space. Victor didn’t seem to mind, even treating this kind of touching as a game. 

“It always takes you a little while to get warmed up” Victor responded easily 

“He’s right you know, Chris can’t get serious without you to skate against” Chris’s coach appeared by his side holding a cup of coffee “It’s time to come back to the fold”

Yuuris noticed the amount of people flooding into the room now.

Two girls who stood by the side spoke “Hi Victor”

Victor turned to greet them

The girl with long hair spoke “So you’re seriously a coach then? I’ve-”

“Yuuri” Chris stole his attention, moving uncomfortably close to Yuuri’s side again, “You’re committing a grave thing keeping to yourself” 

They both watched as the girls flirted with Victor 

“The whole skating world is hoping for his return” 

And there were those familiar feelings again, the idea that the whole world was looking at him for taking Victor away from the ice. Even Yuuri at time hated himself for it, he looked at those girls talking with Victor, and then back at Chris and his coach. The idea of Victors fans watching him, waiting for him to succeed or better yet fail, and send Victor back to skating, made his heart jump to his throat. 

He was barely distracted by the man who walked in, and called everyone to get ready, the men’s competition was about to start.

He had stopped to watch Phichit skate his short performance, being his best friend and all that, but when Guang Hong was up, Yuuri put on his headphones that connected to the live feed of the rink. As Yuuri jogged slowly up and down the hallway, he mulled over Christoph’s words in his mind. About taking Victor away from the skating world, even more he learned from watching Phichit skate that people weren’t going to be happy with how Yuuri skated. They would always be comparing him to Victor, telling him he wasn’t good enough, or hating him from taking Victor away from them. Well that was fine with him; his only choice was to prove to the world that Victor wasn’t wrong in choosing to coach Yuuri, he had to prove to the world that he deserved Victor. 

He was the last skater of the group, giving him an immediate advantage he was determined to make an impression. 

On the ice before he began, he didn’t feel his usual nervousness, his usual oh god my heart is in my throat and I feel like I’m going to throw up. For some reason it was that same mantra playing and replaying in his head ‘prove that you deserve Victor’

As Yuuri stood by the side boards mulling over the words in his head, Victor placed his hand on Yuuri’s closed fist “you’re time to seduce me picturing pork cutlet bowls is over” 

Yuuri looked up to meet Victors eyes, only one actually visible behind the silver fringe of his ‘I deserve you’ he thought

“At this point you can do that just by being yourself. You’ve figured that out by now haven’t you?” 

When the lady overhead began to introduce him, Yuuri realized he had to make this quick, he shifted his hold on Victors hand, intertwining their fingers and pushing his forehead to Victors so they had to look at each other. He had to get his attention “watch me Victor, don’t take your eyes off me” 

Victor barely moved his head, in a nod. Yuuri wanted to say more; instead, he turned around and skated to get to his starting position. ‘I deserve you’ he thought ‘I deserve you. I deserve you’ as the music began Yuuri skated to that mantra, hoping to prove not only to his audience, to the rest of the skating world, but to Victor, that he deserved him. 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

The entire thing was risky.

But who was Victor if he wasn’t willing to gamble?

The doctors told him that even though they couldn’t tell him for sure, he didn’t have much longer. 

The doctors warned him he might encounter emotions of shock, anger, denial, or sadness, but all Victor actually felt was first a crushing numbness, and then a severe dedication to preserving the legacy that Victor had created himself. Only he knew how to choreograph programs like he could, only he knew how to surprise his audience with every twist and turn, call him what you like Victor was not exactly humble. Victor cared about skating more then he cared about most things in his life, and he knew when he died, everything he’s worked for, everything he’s created, would die with him. 

While that did sound like some kind of tragic story, and Victor did love his theatrics, he would much rather pass that knowledge onto someone else so they could keep his legacy alive and protected.

So of course, on a hunch, he ignored his doctor’s advice, and his coach’s advice of staying in St. Petersburg, and flew across the world for a boy who Victor liked to watch skate.

Victor had no guarantee that Yuuri would be able to carry on his legacy. He had no guarantee that the boy would want Victor to coach him. He had no guarantee that he would even be that good at coaching, or that the two of them would get along that well.

Even after he got to Hasetsu, and decided to gamble away his coaching advice to whoever won the hot springs on ice competition between Yuuri and Yurio, he had no guarantee that Yuuri would win.  
Even during the Grand Prix, he had no guarantee that Yuuri would even make it to the finals.

Victor was pretty much grasping at straws here. 

But Victor, as always, followed his instincts and along with Makkachin boarded the first pet friendly plane to Hasetsu and started to skate with Yuuri, pushing all the thoughts of his impending death to the back of his head burying them with jumps and spins and footwork of intense caliber. 

Soon enough his diagnosis just became a part of who Victor was, somewhere in his mind he knew he had to face it sooner rather than later, but for the most part it was just an annoying thought that wouldn’t completely go away. It would come back every once and a while, when he was suddenly hit with an intense migraine, or his nose started bleeding. In on one rare moment Victor actually passed out in the stall of a bathroom. He woke up a few moments later with his cheek pressed up against the wall; Victor washed his face ten times afterwards when he realized it was a public rest room. 

Eww. 

Despite Victors uncertainty, he was confident in Yuuri’s ability, to prove to Victor that Yuuri was capable of carrying on the legacy Victor cared for so dearly. The emotions he shared with Yuuri were something else completely, something that somehow felt familiar but in its own way also kind of terrifying. Victor was just a friendly person, and probably was still caught up on a few too many emotions from the banquet. So, tucked neatly next to his diagnosis, Victor buried that uncertainty far in the back of his mind. 

When he watched Yuuri jog his way up and down the hallway shortly before his performance, Victor watched something inside him change. Victor knew Yuuri kept warmed up even seconds before performing, probably wanting to keep his muscles warm and loose or something like that. But Yuuri looked deep in thought, Victor watched him for a second, pondering if Yuuri’s wandering mind would dig him into trouble and a bad mindset.

Once again, Victor took a risk, letting Yuuri continue jogging up and down the hall seemingly lost in thought. He stood by the hallway, intent on keeping guard.

When Chris seemingly drawn from his stretches came to ask him if Yuuri was all right, Victor quickly shushed him. He didn’t want to stop Yuuri, he wanted to see where this would go.

Victor felt a small headache begin to form behind his right eye, he blinked hard hoping to will it away. 

When Yuuri and Victor made their way to the rink, they were silent. Victor didn’t want to break whatever had gotten into Yuuri. 

Yuuri held onto Victor shoulder as he slid off his red and white skate guards, and stepped onto the ice. He still seemed worked up; he didn’t want to send Yuuri off without some form of encouragement first.

Subconsciously Victor placed his open hand over Yuuri’s closed fist 

“Your time to seduce me picturing pork cutlet bowls is over. At this point you can do that just by being yourself. You’ve figured that out by now haven’t you?” 

Victor was unaware at just how much truth was slipping into his words

Good just convince him that who he is, is good enough. Victors seen the real Yuuri and if only he could show that to the world, he would have no problem taking Victors place, when he was gone.

A woman over the speakers began to talk “The next skater, representing Japan, Yuuri Katsuki” 

Suddenly Victors hand moved over Yuuri’s and their finger wrapped around the others hand, palm to open palm. Victor felt the headache begin to pound harder, as if angry for Victor ignoring it, not now, this is important, he thought. Yuuri pressed his forehead against Victors forcing Victor to make eye contact with Yuuri.

“Watch me Victor; don’t take your eyes off me”

Victor had to fight to nod, his mind whispering unfaithful instructions on how to handle such close proximity to Yuuri. 

In a moment, Yuuri was gone skating around the ice with his arms wide greeting the audience like every good skater is taught to.

Victor placed a gloved hand up to his temple, trying to sooth the migraine now spinning out of control. 

When the music started, Victor watched Yuuri wet his lips with the tip of tongue before moving his arms around his body. Victor could have sworn his nose started bleeding, for entirely different reasons then he was used to.

From the small radio behind Victor he could hear the announcers, made specifically so the skater couldn’t hear what they were saying but the coach could. They only began speaking after Yuuri finished his beginning sequence, excellent. He seduced them long enough to distract them from their jobs to commentate his performance. 

During Yuuri’s step sequence, the announcer’s spoke of his confidence being raised ensuring that he was delivering on his Eros of the program.

Exactly he was so focused on the sexiness of the piece; Victor just hoped he carried the confidence through in his jumps and spins. High performance points can only get you far.

Out of his step sequence, Victor was shocked usually coming out of his last spread eagle, Yuuri took too long to step out, making his body slightly fold into himself. Usually it looked sloppy. Not this time, he stepped out perfectly helping his body create the curved look Victor was going to when he choreographed it.

“Perfect!”

The announcers seemed to enjoy it too. “With his eye on a place in the final, Katsuki planned all his jumps for the second half of the program to up the difficulty and boost the score”

“A good strategy but not an easy one” The second announcer chimed in. 

Yes, Victor silently mused, but Yuuri could pull it off. No need to doubt him now, he remembers quiet easily how good Yuuri’s stamina was, constantly begging to try another jump, just one more time, again and again. If Yuuri could land a quad loop after practicing it for the past hour, he could land one after a two minute performance, there’s a reason they’re called short programs. 

Victor watched him land a triple axel, he had nice height, he thought, than to a quad salchow. Yuuri seemed lost in thought even while performing; Victor knew he struggled to express sexuality while on ice, but at this moment he looked like he was skating specifically to seduce someone. 

Victor felt himself begin to hope, that maybe Yuuri was skating for him. The headache thankfully interrupted that thought before it could spiral out of control, Victor blinked hard to dull the pain.

Yet another annoying symptom of dying.

Victor’s eyes focused again just in time to watch him land his combination jump sequence. He could already feel pride bubble his way up to his chest and jaw. Good boy, Victor thought.

Yuuri threw his arms out to his side, and then turned to a spin quickly stopping his arms wrapped around himself by the time the music stopped abruptly. Victor jumped, both fists raised in happiness.

Yes. Victor had no idea what had gotten into Yuuri to make him skate that way, but he loved it. It consumed Yuuri, his performance oozed seduction, his step sequence was sharp and concise and each jump, made Victor long for more. 

It was risky

But it payed off.

Oh yeah, Victor was good at this kind of stuff. 

His score of 106.84 and he topped the rest of the skaters, with Georgi placing second.

There was only one more skater to go, Christophe Giocometti , after a very proud moment in the kiss and cry Victor and Yuuri went to watch him from a small television set in the lounge room. Victors arms wrapped securely around Yuuri’s chest, as he fought off the headache that still lingered insistently. The rest of the skaters watched with him in awe of his raw sexuality. Victor withheld a laugh, knowing that hundreds of people in the rink wanted to be with him would be disappointed if they knew that the small black ring on his left hand symbolized his very long and very loyal marriage.

Victor had seen Mr. Sex God Extraordinaire himself in a pair of boxers, and a sweatshirt reading the newspaper with thick glasses and a cup of tea, his husband in the kitchen, preparing a breakfast for the two of them. It didn’t get much more domestic then Christophe Giacometti’s life. 

By the time Chris finished his rather dramatic performance, and gained his scores in the kiss and cry, Yuuri was still in first place with a 106.84

106.84! Victor thought Yuuri would be ecstatic. The knowledge that he had the power to top people who couldn’t even beat Victor at last year’s Grand Prix Final, should unlock the confidence Yuuri needed desperately. 

Instead, Yuuri was miserable. 

After downing four pain-reliving pills in the bathroom of their hotel, Victor had to practically pull the phone from Yuuri’s hands. He knew his parents would call him to give him their congratulations, but he hadn’t thought for a second the kind of pressure it would put him under, knowing now he had to carry through to make his parents proud. 

The last time Yuuri competed at the Grand Prix, no one expected him to do well so it was okay if he didn’t, but now that he’s proved himself, now he doesn’t have that cushion to fall back on. Now he has to do good. Victor couldn’t related but he could offer some kind of support.

Victor connected his phone to the charger and gently pushed Yuuri to the bed, ignoring his minds internal dialogue, and tucking the boy between the covers instead of straddling him like he desperately wanted to do.  
“Get some sleep Yuuri” Victor pressed a hand to his forehead pushing his hair back with his fingers. 

Victor who was thoroughly drugged, and growing progressively more sleepy as the pain of his headache left him, quickly turned off the lights and fell onto his separate bed that sat across from Yuuri’s. 

When he woke up the next day, he felt a deep tiredness seep across his entire body. Usually when Victor woke up, he was spry and ready for the day, usually grabbing a cup of flavored coffee before taking on the day, but when he awoke, he had the strong urge to stay in bed, despite the free skate Yuuri had that day. 

Victor noticed Yuuri was already awake, forced himself out of bed and began going about the normal routine, still feeling the deep effect of fatigue throughout his body.

After early morning practice, Victor noticed the bags under Yuuri’s eyes, and forced him to sleep until the competition began. Victor used the do that kind of thing, he didn’t always roam the city or continue practicing like other skaters did, sometimes he would go back to his hotel to fall asleep at least until Yakov found him and yelled at him, sometimes he would just find some hole in the locker room and fall asleep there.  
Victor needed sleep badly too, as an athlete Victor learned to tune his body out, when it desperately begged for a break from practice, Victor would just push that to the back of his mind and try again. Now though, his body was screaming for some kind of rest, and it was hard to ignore. 

So when Victor forced Yuuri to take a nap, he climbed right in next to him, and with his head on Yuuri’s chest, he was lulled to sleep by its methodical rising and falling 

Victor knows Yuuri didn’t sleep much during his nap, and wondered what he did that entire time trapped under Victor. He felt better after the nap, but still thoroughly exhausted for seemingly no reason. Victor remembered the doctor telling him that fatigue would be a side effect, but he didn’t think it would come so soon, unlike the temporary headaches and the occasional bloody nose, this wasn’t something Victor could so easily ignore. 

It was there when he brushed his teeth, lingering in his arms as he raised his tooth brush. It was there when Victor stretched, a yawn escaping from Victors mouth, it was everywhere, a constant reminder of death. Victor just hoped Yuuri would be at the top of his game today, knowing it would be hard to support both himself and Yuuri. 

Still that anxiety Victor grew to associate with Yuuri lingered. During his practice Yuuri flubbed his quad toe loop, hitting the ice hard, and Victor knew it was not going to be a good day for him. He desperately tried to console him after the warm up, telling him he can land the jump even if he didn’t during the warm up, trying to maintain the light hearted persona Victor wore to keep Yuuri relaxed.  
It didn’t work.

Even as the other skaters went throughout their performances Yuuri’s anxieties didn’t lessen, if anything they seemed to rise. When he noticed Yuuri’s breathe increasing at a rapid rate, his chest rising and falling much quicker than it did earlier that day when Victor fell asleep on it. Victor placed one firm hand on Yuuri’s shoulder and dragged him away, trying to find someplace with fewer people. 

Maybe it was the amount of people constantly watching Yuuri that had set him on edge, maybe it was the amount of pressure placed on him after his success in yesterday’s short program, or maybe it was a combination of both, or none, or who knows with Yuuri anymore. Victor was just not in the mood for handling this sort of thing right now. 

Hot disappointment in himself shot through Victor’s chest, at the thought. 

Victor continued to make his way through the building his hand slipping down Yuuri’s shoulder to hold his hand, hopefully some kind of anchor for him to the outside world. 

Everywhere he went; Victor was flooded with reporters or other skaters hoping to strike up a conversation, every time he politely declined their invitation, and continued on with Yuuri. All he felt was annoyance with everyone for not noticing the state Yuuri was in, not knowing that he needed someplace quiet and undisturbed. 

Victor barely escaped another newscaster by slipping into an empty elevator with Yuuri. For a moment, it felt like the only place that wasn’t encumbered with more people. 

Yuuri fidgeted against Victor’s hand, taking Victor a moment to realize he wanted away. Victor let go of his hand immediately, pushing both into his pockets so they didn’t stay dormant so close to Yuuri’s.  
“Are we going to go somewhere?” Yuuri asked

Neither of them had pressed any of the buttons, still just standing in the middle of the elevator with an aura of stagnant air between them.

“Oh yes of course, we are going to the best place to be alone” Victor quipped adding a big smile

“a-alone? Why do you want to be alone?” Yuuri’s eyes grew wide in shock

Victors façade dropped, why was Yuuri so nervous? Why was this backfiring on him so drastically?

Victor answered slowly “I thought you might want to warm up somewhere quieter, no?”

“Oh yeah, that sounds good thanks” Yuuri said dropping head to the floor, a light blush crossing his cheeks. 

Victor nodded quickly before letting the silence fall back between the two of them. 

Victor wanted to fill it with something, distract Yuuri again, but it seemed like Yuuri liked the silence, like he had tuned back out listening to the announcers over his headphones.

Damn those headphones, all they did was cause Yuuri to worry. Maybe it was his incessant listening to them that was causing him so much anxiety, If Victor had less control of himself, if he was more like Yakov he would have taken them from Yuuri, ensuring he could no longer hurt himself by listening to them. 

The elevator started to move, since neither of them had touched any buttons someone was probably calling for the elevator. Now Victor had to find some place quite to get Yuuri under control quickly before they were stuck in a small space with more people. 

Yuuri pressed his hands to the side of the elevator resuming his stretches that Victor had interrupted. 

As the doors slid open, a large family tried to slide in before even realizing Victor and Yuuri were there. The mother froze and gave a slight whimper, in one arm, she held a large cloth bag and in the other, she held a child only few months old by the looks of it. A toddler stopped picking her nose to point at the pair of them with wide eyes. 

A boy who looked to be about 16 turned to shove what looked like his twin who was bent over texting on his phone.

The boy kept texting

He shoved again, this time harder 

The boy shouted something in Spanish before finally looking up from his phone, his head following the rest of his families stopping at Victor and Yuuri. He gave something between a gasp and a hiccup and his phone dropped to the asphalt below

Victor smiled awkwardly and gave a small wave "hello!"

The family said nothing in return just stared in wide eyed shock, Victor glanced behind them, to the floor they landed on. It seems they were coming in late to watch the free skates and were hurrying to watch the last half of the performances from the basement level.  
The very deserted basement level.

Ah Perfect. 

Victor grabbed at Yuuri, who hadn’t even noticed the family’s arrival. Pulling him in front of him, placing both hands on either side of Yuuri’s shoulders, and steering him around the family that silently gawked at them, and outside to the basement. 

He bent over to the boy, and picked up the boy’s thankfully intact phone before handing it to him, the boy watched him in almost a catatonic state hands still limp by his sides. His brother was quick to turn to Victor and grab his brother’s phone from him with a thankful smile

The family numbly stepped inside the elevator, taking Victor and Yuuri’s place. Eyes still trained on the pair of them; Victor shot them a nervous smile and wave goodbye. He was way too tired to deal with fans the way he usually did

The elevator doors shut slowly, blocking off the main light source, casting Victor and Yuuri into darkness only barely illuminated by the rickety lights hanging from the ceiling. 

Whatever that horribly awkward moment was, it was over

This felt better, maybe it’s all Yuuri really needed to be able to gain back his confidence. Some time alone, but Victor knew he would wear himself out if Victor wasn’t there to stabilize him. 

Yuuri went through his routine best as he could without skates and on solid ground instead of the ice. 

He watched him, turning tiny circles with his feet while going through his spins. He leaned back on the hood of a car and closed his eyes, god he was exhausted for sleeping nine plus hours that day.

He could hear the ending of Phichits program through Yuuri’s headphones; he must have taken them out or raised the sound.

Victor opened his eyes and looked up the ceiling, thinking of Phichit up there. A little bit of anger at the Thai skater seeped into Victor. He was angry at him for making Yuuri feel like an inferior skater, he was angry at Yuuri for letting small things like his friends performance get to him, he was angry at himself for going into this whole coaching thing without any kind of plan on how to handle a panicked skater.

He was angry at himself for going into coaching at all, angering Yakov to the point where he wouldn’t even talk to him anymore. 

He was angry at himself for getting a god damned tumor in the first place, for not getting checked out when Yakov asked him too.

He was angry at himself for never going back for his sister. He was angry at himself for running to Yakov as a child. He was angry at the headache that was coming back again, gnawing away in Victor’s brain. He was angry at himself for being angry. 

Victor kept looking at the light fixture, trying to contain the feelings creeping to the surface.

He looked down to Yuuri’s figure, both his headphones were held away from his ears and he looked forward in a state of nearly catatonic panic.

Shit

Victor without thinking rushed forward “Don’t listen!” 

He grabbed the sides of Yuuri’s head, and turned Yuuri so he would look directly at Victor. 

His headphones fell to the floor 

They both stood emotionless, Yuuri looked to the side uncomfortably.

God, this is worse than he thought. While it’s normal for less experienced skaters to be affected by their competitors standing, Yuuri should be past that.

‘What do I say?’ Victor thought ‘what do I say?’

Finally, Yuuri moved both of Victors hands away from him “Victor we should be getting back I’m up soon”

Yuuri bent down to retrieve his fallen headphones. He kept avoiding looking directly at Victor like he was scared of what emotions he would see plastered on Victors face.

‘The skater’s heart is as fragile as glass’ Victor thought 

‘In that case maybe…’

“Yuuri” Victor called hearing Yuuri stop in his tracks 

‘I should see what happens if I shatter his into pieces’ Victor reached up hold the side of his head, to bring some kind of relief to his headache

Maybe it was a joint decision of his headache burning away behind Victor’s lefts eye and the fatigue that was still straining his body, but Victor began to speak.

“It is at least partially my fault if you mess up your program today and don’t make it onto the podium”

Victor let his hand drop to his neck “I’ll take responsibility and resign as your coach”

Maybe the added pressure would break Yuuri, but maybe it would give him the push he needed to skate his free skate with confidence and grace. First Victor needed some kind of reaction. They stood there about ten feet away in terse silence, Yuuri seemed like he was frozen, as if his mind was slowly processing the information. 

Victor began to wonder if he had actually broken him, before large tears began to stream down the sides of Yuuri’s face. 

Oh, oh no, no that’s not the kind of reaction Victor was looking for.

“Victor…. Why would you say something like that like your testing me?”

It shattered 

Victor needed to fix this quickly. Yuuri was up next and instead of stretching or waiting near the rink ready to perform, he was reduced to a sobbing mess in the buildings parking lot  
“Look Yuuri I wasn’t being serious I’m sorry” 

“I fail a lot so I get pretty used to it during the years because I’m worried about my mistakes reflecting on you! Part of me has been wondering if you secretly want to quit”

Oh Yuuri... Victor placed an easy going smile on his face, hoping to calm him down “I was just saying that of course I don’t-”

“I know!” Yuuri yelled 

The smile instantly disappeared from Victor face. He really had no idea what to do here.

“I’m not very good with people crying, I don’t know what to say in this situation, should I just kiss you or something?” Victor pushed, subconsciously hoping that if he avoided his mistake and kept talking in a light-hearted and flirtatious manner, everything would work out

“No! Just have more faith that I’m going to win then I do, and you don’t have to say anything, just stay close to me Victor” 

Victor has felt things shift inside him before. Not in a literal sense, more of a way of the universe. When someone says something and everything that Victor thought he understood changes. 

Victors only felt that a few times. When his father realized he was gay, on the car ride home from hockey practice. He felt their relationship break a little, shatter in a way that really couldn’t be repaired.

He felt it when he started lessons with Yakov, when he realized this love for skating inside him could be nourished to full potential, he felt the world become clearer. He felt the shift again, when he started choreographing routines for himself, when all his programs were created by Yakov, Victor just followed the directions numbly. When he discovered he had the ability to create magic, and not just perform it. The world didn’t only become clearer, it became brighter too.

Victor felt it the first time he had sex, tangled in damp sheets and sweaty limbs. Victor can’t recall his name, but it was the first time he knew that his parents were wrong; watching a heavenly face nestled into Victors side. It was the first time Victor felt sure of himself, sure that he was right, and his parents were wrong. 

For the longest time Victor thought he knew all he could about the world. Victor’s world was skating, and he knew it like the back of his hand. He could perfect every last jump and spin, he could create a masterful program out of nothing. He just wanted to pass that knowledge off to someone who he could trust before he died because his world shouldn’t die when he does… but now?

He felt another shift. 

Victor felt like his world got a little bigger 

“Stay close to me Victor”

Stay close to me. Stay close to me was nothing more than another routine Victor had performed. It was another ticket to winning another Grand Prix. Now it was something more.

Stay close to me brought him and Yuuri together. 

Stay close to me was more than an ordinary routine. It was a promise. 

The feelings Victor had felt burning for Yuuri returned tenfold, hitting him hard and wrapping an iron vise around his heart. Stay close to me, stay close to me. That’s all that mattered at the moment, staying close to Yuuri as long as he would let him. 

The flighty feeling hit him again. It felt unsure and nervous but a little bit familiar at the same time, and oh god the name hit him straight on. Love

Victor had felt love before

But this was nothing new

Victor had never been in love, and realized it was a completely different experience. This wasn’t something old renewed, it was fresh, it was raw, and oh was it terrifying

Yuuri turned to walk towards the elevators in silence, still in awe Victor followed him

This was never part of the plan. 

It was a pretty shitty plan, granted, but at least it was simple, fly to Japan coach Yuuri, have him win gold in the Grand Prix, and pass all of Victor’s knowledge of skating to Yuuri so he could immortalize him forever after he died. 

Of course, all they often do, that plan would have setbacks. Like Yurio flying to Japan to challenge Yuuri, or Yakov disowning him or having to leave Makkachin back in Hasetsu

Nowhere in that plan did Victor expect to fall in love. 

And that was the biggest setback of them all. How could Victor feel comfortable in dying when he knew he wasn’t only leaving behind his skating career, but also someone he loved, no, someone he was in love with  
It was scary to know he was going to die in nine months. The same time it takes for new life to be brought into this world. It was scary now that he understood what it felt like to be in love someone. To want to be with that person, to not even know if that person wanted you back.

Victor realized he had a whole life he was missing out on a whole life he wanted to spend with someone. 

Victor once again followed Yuuri as he stepped into the manufactured lights of the rinks lobby. 

Victor didn’t know when the elevator arrived or when they both climbed into it, or when Yuuri pushed the button for the second floor, maybe Victor pressed it, weird. 

That would happen sometimes, when Victor was lost in thought the world would speed up around him, leaving him unmarred in the middle.

Victor glanced up to Yuuri who was still walking in silence, his eyes, red from his previous outburst, were trained ahead of him.

They still glistened, like he was looking for something, desperate to find anything.

Once Yuuri realized he was being stared at, his eyes glanced slightly to his side making momentary contact with Victors. 

Victor dropped his gaze immediately feeling a blush rise to his cheeks. Now that he was aware of what his feelings were for Yuuri somehow it made it harder to Victor to even look at him the same. It was like his whole world had changed. 

If he wanted to be with Yuuri, and oh god yes he did, then he had to act quick.

A part of him told him it was selfish to want Yuuri to be with him, he knew that in nine months he would break his heart. 

Victor didn’t listen

Georgi was just finishing his practice and Yuuri and Victor watched from the side lines. 

Now on cushioned mats, Yuuri grabbed hold of the wall and slid his red and white guards of his skating blades, stepping onto the patted floor and handing them wordlessly to Victor. 

When Georgi finished his rather dramatic performance, Yuuri took to the ice stretching a bit before his performance. This was usually the time Victor said some last minute word of advice or confidence booster but it was Victor’s loud mouth that got him into this problem in the first place.

So instead he just offered Yuuri a few tissues from his custom made Makkachin tissue dispenser, Yuuri took a few and blew his nose. 

Victor wished he could do something at the last minute to apologize for what he did. Something to show him just how much he cared. 

Instead, as Yuuri dropped his tissues just short of his hand, Victor found himself nearly falling over the sideboard to grab them before they fell, and when he was doubled over he felt it.  
A finger lightly touching the top of his head. 

Like he had in a different rink under very different circumstances. It felt familiar, it felt real, it felt forgiving. 

The finger turned to a light pat, and then he was gone. Yuuri had skated away to take his position on the ice, leaving Victor to stand there, one hand lightly touching his scalp, watching Yuuri in wonder.  
The boy never stopped surprising him

The announcer began to introduce Yuuri over the radio “The last skater is Yuuri Katsuki from Japan. He finished the short program in first place. He will be skating to Yuuri on Ice”  
And when Yuuri began to move, Victor couldn’t take his eyes off of him. 

He was beautiful. 

Even though only minutes before Yuuri was bawling his eyes out, he skated like he was free. 

He skated like he was in love, and Victor could almost believe it, he could feel it radiating off of Yuuri like heat from a fire. Victor knew the rest of the audience could feel it too. 

In his Eros program, Yuuri skated to a love Victor was all too familiar with. 

In this one, he skated to a love Victor was only beginning to understand. 

As he struck his last pose, one arm balancing on his chest, and the other pointed out to Victor, he felt it. 

The tidal wave of emotions hit him, and everything was a blur, Victor placed both of his hands to his face trying desperately to block out the rest of the world, it was all too much.

Victor felt something tug on his heart, a deep itch that needed to be scratched, so once again, rather impulsively he followed his instincts, taking off running to where Yuuri would exit the ice. 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a blur or purple, Yuuri in his skating outfit following him. 

He stopped bending over to catch his breath and he saw Yuuri skating towards him, arms out his mouth moving but Victor could quite catch what he was saying. 

It was all so much, the sound from the audience and the feeling in his chest needing to get out, and Yuuris face, and oh those beautiful brown eyes and before Victor could stop to actually think about his actions he was launching himself onto the ice his arms immediately wrapping around Yuuri’s body.

And for one beautiful, sacred moment

Their lips touched. 

Victors eyes closed

And Yuuri’s eyes widened

And everything went quiet. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Victor knew the audience was screaming louder than ever, and that the lights were beating down on the both of them, and the shutter of cameras were going off. But Victor didn’t hear them. Not really.

All he could feel was Yuuri’s body underneath him and all he could see were those brown doe eyes, and all he knew was Yuuri Yuuri Yuuri. 

Then they hit the ice

And everything came back. 

It was like waking up from a dream. A dream where you have everything you want, and you wake up and realize you don’t. 

But Yuuri’s body was still pressed underneath Victors, and the his eyes still shown with determination, and he was still Yuuri. 

And Victor still kissed Yuuri!

It was like waking up from a dream to realize you have everything you want right here. 

Yuuri landed on his back, and Victor head nestled comfortably in his shoulders, for a few seconds Victor wanted to stay there. He wanted to stay nestled next to Yuuri’s body warmth and kiss him again and again and again, but they were being recorded for live television, and Victor had yet to explain himself. 

“I wanted to surprise you more then you surprised me, this was the only thing I could think of” 

Yuuri’s cheeks reddened “well it worked” he leaned closer to Victor and he wanted once again to shower him with kisses again. 

Could he do that now? 

Instead, a cheer from the crowd rang out again, this time louder, and Victor blushed deeper, pushing his way to his feet on the ice, slipping underneath his shoes. 

Yuuri stood up too, slower still in shock, rising up taller the Victor with the added height of his skates, he held onto him securely to keep him from slipping and helped him off the ice.

Everything was still kind of raw, the lights, the sounds, the smells, and the knowledge of what each other’s lips tasted like 

They made their way to kiss and cry, and somewhere on their way, their hands interlocked tightly as if they were afraid that if they let go, they would get lost all too soon in the madness of it all.

Through it all, as they got Yuuri’s score, the award ceremony, where Yuuri was awarded a silver medal, and the plane ride to Russia for the next competition, they never let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment, a kudos, or a come hang with me on my tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine or dariarawr  
> comment for the soundtrack for this chapter  
> next update 7/20/17


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Victor what do you want?”
> 
> 'Yuuri' Victor shook his head slightly "what?"
> 
> “To drink” she clarified
> 
> Oh yeah, Victor flashed his signature ‘my bad’ smile, “Oh yeah, silly me, I would like a black drip coffee” He smiled at the person taking their order.
> 
> “Who would that be for?” the man asked
> 
> “Victor”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reveal a few fond oc, I hope you like them!  
> enjoy!

Russia was… unnerving to say the least

Yuuri and Victor arrived a little after the rest of the Russian team’s plane landed, which thankfully the large gaggle of girls Yurio attracted helped draw attention away from Victor and Yuuri’s arrival. So when Yuuri decided to head up to the hotel room and sleep off his jet lag, Victor was allowed some time to slip away from the crowded airport to get some fresh air outside

Something about being home meant something special to Victor 

Sure Moscow was not quite St Petersburg but at least he was in the same country that he was born and raised.

He was able to look at the street signs and actually understand them instead of having to ask Yuuri for a translation into English, their only shared language. 

Don’t get Victor wrong, he absolutely adored Hasetsu. The whole place was buzzing with life, but not in the same way Hong Kong was. While Hong Kong had this erratic and energetic aura that reminded Victor of being seventeen and partying with other skaters, feeling alive, Hasetsu was calmer somehow. 

No matter how hard he tried to describe it the description didn’t quite feel right, somehow it felt safe, content, like a strong and steady hand guiding Victor through while also not feeling boring or old, like all of Victors glory days were behind him. 

If he was asked what his favorite place on earth was Victor would probably say Hasetsu, but his heart still belonged in Russia, down by the seashore of St. Petersburg

Victor thought that securing his luggage with Yuuri, he could steal away for an hour so, to not be Victor-Nikiforov-Soon-To-Be-Extinct-Ice-Skating-God, but instead Victor Nikiforov, local. Instead he was almost immediately discovered by a fan whose excitement attracted another person and another and another and eventually Victor had a small crowd forming a ring around him only a few minutes away from the airport. 

One girl waved a notebook and pen asking for an autograph and maybe a commemorative photo 

Victor did as he always did; he smiled widely and signed as many things that were shoved under his face and made polite small talk with each person, despite the overwhelming want to be somewhere else. 

“Victor can we have a picture with you?” A voice rang out behind him

Victor turned already flashing a smile “Of course, I would love to” he caught sight of the girls, both with brown hair desperately clutching the others hand like a life line. He got a view of one of the girl purple braces before a face behind them appeared; leaving Victor feeling like someone sucked all the air from his lungs. 

“s-sorry” he muttered pushing the girls aside slightly, breaking free from the circle and chasing the face he saw, that had turned away and was quickly walking away from him.

He was usually very kind of any kind of fans, he would stop to take pictures and joke with them before politely excusing himself to continue on in his day, the treatment of his fans was something he was very passionate about but, he wasn’t letting her slip away again, so he left his group of fans behind as he chased after her

Victor passed by a group walking his way on the sidewalk, contorting his body to slip by. 

The girl he saw wore a long coat with a fur collar; her grey hair was the same shade as it was when he last saw her.

It wasn’t the hair that tipped him off though, it was her eyes. Those icy blue eyes almost translucent with how pale they were the same eyes as Victors. 

With one hand outstretched Victor finally made contact, grabbing her shoulder to stop her from walking away. 

She froze.

And for one second Victor was terrified of what he would see when she turned around. And for one second he wished that she wouldn’t turn around, that she would keep on walking and that Victor would let her. And for one second Victor was terrified that she might. 

Victor could almost taste the tension in the air, the seconds dragging by before she turned

And Victor could see his entire life echo in the shine of her eyes. 

He was hit full force with emotions, leaving behind a whirlwind of confusion, and one name. 

Yana

She looked like she did the last time Victor saw her, same eyes, same hair, same angular and gracefully elegant face, she had grown up, as people often do, Victor wasn’t surprised by that. 

He was surprised at how old her eyes looked, no longer the fresh and sparkly eyes he had remembered her having. 

Now they held a weight to them, still pale, but now the translucency didn’t reveal the childlike playfulness they once revealed; now they revealed something darker, something colder. 

Victor just stared, not daring to speak. 

She looked back, devoid of emotion. 

It would have gone on like that if she hadn’t begun moving. The façade she wore crumbled within a matter of seconds and she reached out clasping either side of Victor’s shoulders to pull him against her quickly.  
Victor felt his arms rise to wrap themselves around her. 

A hug

All too soon, Victor felt her draw away; she dropped her arms and took a step away from him. 

“Victor”

“Yana”

“It’s been a while” she said her eyes digging into Victors

“Dah, where have you been?”

The harshness to her face quickly returned “where do you think I’ve been?”

“I... I don’t know.” Victor admitted. Sure he wondered before, but he always harbored a kind of anger towards her after she left him to be beaten by their father, he’s never really worked on locating her in the past few years. Victor put on a playful smile and used one hand to scratch the back of his head “I’ve been pretty busy lately” he added with a shrug

That only made her madder “yeah I realize that” 

At her spiteful words the smile dropped off Victors face, why was she mad at him? 

“Oh okay.” A tension was growing between them, sure Victor still held a grudge towards her, at certain times in his life he hated her, but somewhere underneath that all he still remembered crawling into her bed at night to tell her about his day.

She was still his older sister. 

“Well where have you been?” he asked again 

“I graduated college, I run a small pharmacy a few block away” she answered, her tone slowly warming. 

People kept pushing their way past Victor and Yana on the sidewalk and Victor took a step to the railing, to lean back on it, Yana followed, her hands still placed in her pockets and her hoody down. 

“Wow, that’s amazing Yana. Is it named after you? Is it called Nikiforov Pharmacy or something like that? That would be really cool” Victor admitted. 

To be fair he didn’t quite understand the protocol to follow when you bump into a sister you haven’t talked to for years

“No I just work for it, I didn’t get to name it, besides my last name isn’t Nikiforov anymore” she added 

Victor’s eyes widened “Yana are you…” he let the rest of his sentence trail off, trying to catch a glimpse at her ring finger 

She rolled her eyes in a way that was all too much Yana “No I’m not married, I just... changed my name is all” her ton made it clear Victor shouldn’t ask

“Oh” Victor didn’t press further. 

Wind blew through the sidewalks chilling Victor to the bone, the silence between them lingered 

“Well have you met any-”

Yana interrupted “you know that was a really shitty thing to do” 

Victor turned to her, was she actually apologizing for what she did? After all these years? 

“Are you apologizing?” he asked 

Her head snapped to him her eyes almost lighting fire in anger 

“I am not apologizing for anything, I am asking you to apologize” she added jabbing her finger into Victor chest 

“For what?” 

“You really don’t know?”

Victor watched her, eyes wide. Yana was the one who hurt him; she left him there to be beaten by their father. Victor did nothing… 

Yana scoffed at Victors lack of reply, her eyes shone in defiance and she turned on her heel to storm away, Victor reached his arm out to grab her by the elbow which was only a semi-conscious decision, He saw her silver hair fly over her shoulder and something hit him in the chest, he wasn’t going to let his only sister walk away when they didn’t have much time left together, unfortunately grabbing her only proved to piss her off further

“Don’t touch me! Don’t you even think about touching me!” she screamed, grabbing the attention of a few passerby’s who looked over their shoulders in mild concern

Victor let her go pulling both of his hands up in a placating manner

“Okay, okay Yana I won’t touch you, just please don’t go” 

Her jaw tightened and she raked her eyes over him quickly from head to toe as if he was someone she had never met before. Victor watched Yana loosen her shoulder slightly as if forcing herself to let her guard down. “My shift starts at eight thirty, we can... go somewhere to talk until then?”

Victor nodded gratefully “Do you drink coffee?”

“Yes”

“Then let’s get some coffee” 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

The hearing began when Victor was fifteen

It was simple, private, he was assured that no camera men, news crews, or interviewers would be allowed into the courthouse and that if he didn’t want to, the rest of the world would never know about what was happening. Victor wasn’t sure if that was for his benefit or for his parents, but then again Victor didn’t really care. 

At fifteen Victor had just won his first junior Grand Prix with a gold medal, Victor was being called a ‘Russian prodigy’, an ‘ice god’, a ‘young entrepreneur’, and even once ‘Ice Daddy’ which made Victor a little bit uncomfortable but with his sudden rise to the podium, fame came along with it. 

He was suddenly bombarded by interviewers wanting to know his life story, his favorite color, how he got into ice skating, who he looked up to, what kind of toothpaste he used in the morning, Victor quickly learned and mastered the art of sharing very little in a way that made it seem like he was sharing a lot. Yakov had experienced the same kind of fame, and when Victor accidentally revealed that they were living together (it was the toothpaste question that got him) it quickly became the news of the century, everyone wanted to know why, and get the inside scoop, Yakov swung in and calmly explained that it would best maximize his training time. The story died down soon enough, Victor quickly learned how to adapt to the fame, how to mess with interviewers, and manipulate the news. 

Still with the ‘scandal’ behind them, Victor was nervous someone would find out the real reason why he was living with Yakov, that they would follow him into the courthouse and reveal not only that Victor had been attack by his parents, but that he was gay. 

If his parents, people who raised him, and the people who loved him could turn against him quickly when they found out he liked guys, Victor could only imagine what the rest of his rapidly growing fan base would say, what they would do. 

It’s not like Victor was ashamed of his sexuality, Yakov and Lilia had quite a few heart to hearts about homophobia, and the fact that Victor should not be scared or ashamed of being gay. Victor, with his deep and profound love had tried to accept their advice, he wanted to wear his sexuality around his body like a cape, he grew his hair to mid waist like his parents wanted him not to, but he wanted to march the streets of St. Petersburg during the gay rights parades, he had even gone on a few dates with a French guy he met during a competition. They went to drink coffee in dimly lit cafes, he tried teaching Victor French, which he quickly caught onto, sometimes Victor would say something in French and his boyfriends face would go sour, and he would correct him or he would just laugh. Lilia walked in on them making out once, she quickly yelled some kind of excuse/apology and Victor was given probably the most awkward sex talk in history by a flustered and clearly uncomfortable Yakov.

The point was Victor was scared, scared that his career would be ruined because he was gay, scared his life would be ruined because he was gay, angry at himself for being gay in the first place, angry at himself for being angry that he was gay, angry at his parents for being homophobic, angry at Yana for doing nothing as their father beat him. He was sad that homophobic people still existed, and that no one ever did anything to stop them, he was sad that people would hurt someone for loving. When Victor thought about these things too often, all his emotions would mix into this cacophony that would grow and eventually die down into this large expanse of emptiness where his heart once beat. 

So Victor turned to distractions, to skating harder, and laughing louder and loving more. Love, Victor came to find out, was pure and soft, When Victor was kissing his French boyfriend, everything felt right, the word boyfriend, fingers intertwined with his, even the smell of a mocha from across the table, everything, every missing piece in Victor’s life slid into piece. 

Victor still didn’t hold his hand in public; he turned away when he leaned in to kiss Victor on the cheek, pull away from a hug when it lingered too long. Constantly on the watch for a news crew or a camera man in disguise, constantly seeing his parents faces in the crowds, still somehow scared of their opinion of him. 

That’s what ended breaking them up, his boyfriend asking if Victor was ashamed of him, asking why he wouldn’t kiss him in public, eventually he just walked away, tears streaming down the side of his face. And Victor let him go, his brown eyed boy, who spoke French intermingled with Russian, who laughed quietly into his hand, and drank his mocha with a dash of hazelnut on the top, was gone. 

That was that. 

Life went on

Yakov and Lilia wrapped Victor up in a blanket and told him, if he wasn’t comfortable with sharing his sexuality to the world then he didn’t have to. Victor used those words to protect him, to justify his actions but he never forgot his first real boyfriend, not fully

The upcoming court date didn’t help with Victor’s anxiety either 

His lawyer sat him down with his guardians, Lilia and Yakov, and explained the process and goals of the hearing. It had been a six months since he was legally living with them, and they were holding the hearing to see if it was safe for him to return to his actual family. They said the main goal was to keep the family together, but Victor thought he had a new family now. 

Victor was told he wouldn’t even be present for the actual hearing but he would be allowed a copy transcript of what was said during the meeting. 

That only moved to anger Victor more, if this hearing was about him, shouldn’t he be a part of it? 

Instead Yakov, Lilia, their lawyer, his parents, and their lawyer would be present. 

Victor sat outside of the room, wearing a nice suit, nervously bouncing his knee the entire time. 

Yakov told him multiple times in the car ride, that he had nothing to worry about, that the lawyers wouldn’t allow him to go back to those monsters; Victor tried desperately to believe him. 

An hour passed, and their lawyer was first out of the room, he didn’t have to say anything, he just looked to the ground, or the wall, he refused to meet Victors eyes

It’s when Victor knew what had happened; it’s when Victor started crying. 

Lilia and Yakov left next, Lilia joined Victor, she clamping a hand around her mouth, and silently sobbed

Yakov quickly knelt next to where Victor sat on the bench, and he wrapped his arms around his figure and squeezed. It only made Victor cry harder. 

“How?” Victor demanded

How had they lost?

“They said since they only know you were injured that one time it won’t happen again. Your parents admitted to hurting you, and they said some crazy shit, but they said that they want to live together, since they don’t have their daughter anymore.”

“What? What happened to Yana?”

“They said that she went to college on the other side of Russia a really prestigious one too, since she’s 17 it’s technically legal for her to live by herself.”

Victors eyes widened, he never forgave Yana for leaving him there, but Victor was sure that he could at least survive with Yana, but if she was gone, that meant he had no one.

Victor burrowed into Yakov further

More than anything Victor didn’t want to leave them, he didn’t want to leave the family he made for himself. The people who loved him, the people he loved.

Victor realized Yakov was talking to him “-won’t let them take you Vitya, we can… we can sue them, make it public, everyone loves you, there’s no way you can lose aga-”

“No!” Victor shouted quickly pushing himself from Yakov’s arms, and wiping his eyes furiously with his sleeve 

“No, we don’t need to make it public, we can just… I won’t stop ice skating will I?”

Yakov bit his lip, his eyebrows wrinkling and shook his head “no, no Vitya, they can’t make you stop ice skating, they signed a contract remember?”

Victor nodded, he could do this. 

“I’m going to turn sixteen in eight months, then I’ll legally be an adult, and I’ll come back to live with you, right?”

Victor noticed the tears forming in Yakov’s eyes. 

“Yes, of course my boy, only eight months, we can do that” Yakov agreed pulling him into a bone crushing hug, Victor tried desperately to imprint that hug onto his body, that hug to get him through his life with his parents. The countdown began immediately; he had eight months left to live alone with his parents, eight more months before he could live with Yakov and with Lilia.

Eight more months.

Just eight more months. 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Eight more months

Just eight more months. 

As Victor walked into the coffee shop thankfully devoid of many people, Yana and Victor stepped up to the counter and he watched her as she ordered. 

Eight more months. 

The words were chewing at the back of his mind, at the tip of his tongue. 

It would be so easy to just open his mouth and say that he only had eight more months to live and know that everything from here on out would change. 

She would probably forgive him for whatever he had done to her to make her so mad. 

But what if she didn’t? What if she was even angrier that he hadn’t told her sooner, angrier that she wasn’t a part of his life sooner and now they only had eight more months together. 

He watched her push her hair out of eyes with deft fingers. 

It was really her; it was really Yana, after all these years they had found each other again. Victor just desperately wanted to know what he had done to make her so angry even still. 

She turned to him “Victor what do you want?”

'Yuuri' He shook his head slightly "what?"

“To drink” she clarified

Oh yeah, Victor flashed his signature ‘my bad’ smile, “Oh yeah, silly me, I would like a black drip coffee” He smiled at the person taking their order, then turning to smile at Yana who rolled her eyes, his smiled dropped. 

“Who would that be for?” the man asked 

“Victor” he said smiling

The man looked at him puzzled before slowly writing his name on the side of the cup. 

Victor knew the man probably recognized Victor from somewhere but couldn’t quite place where he had seen him from.

They sat by a counter and waited in silence for a few minutes before their names were called in the empty coffee shop. They both took their drinks and Victor guided them to a table, Yana sat opposite of him.

There was a terse silence for a few moments before Victor spoke 

“How’s your coffee?”

“Oh it’s good yeah”

She took a long sip. “How’s yours?”

Victor gave his standard response “It’s good, wakes me up, haha”

“You haven’t drank any yet” 

Victor looked down to his coffee, oh yeah, “Oh I guess not” He laughed wider this time, quickly stopping when Yana looked away unamused “So do you enjoy working in pharmaceuticals?”

“Dah, very much” 

“I don’t think I could memorize all that stuff, it would be too hard for me-”

“Victor what are we doing here?”

“What do you mean?” Victor asked flashing a goofy overly large smile again “we’re going to get coffee no?”

“You can seriously drop the act now” Yana said her jaw tightening

“What do you mean?”

“I mean this whole overly excited puppy act you put on for your crowd, no one else might see through it but I do. Besides there’s no one else here that knows you, so you can calm down.”  
Victor was left stunned, sure he acted a certain way around his fans but it’s just what he had been trained to do.

“That person who took our orders did, he recognized me from somewhere but he doesn’t know where yet” Victor said 

“What, how do you know that?” Yana asked leaning over him to catch a glimpse at their server, who was on his phone probably googling Victors name trying to find something. 

“When you’ve been around people who want your autograph as much as I have, you get pretty good at reading people” 

“You’ve changed a lot Victor” she said as if disappointed in him

The look on her face hit Victor hard, a strand of anger wrapped around his heart why did she have any right to be disappointed in him?

“Yes I have, because that’s what people do, they change and they grow. If you’re not there to see it happening, then you usually miss it”

He looked up from his coffee “what is that supposed to mean?”

“I think you know what that means Yana…” Victor waited for a few moments “when he… when he hurt me, you did nothing, you just sat there and watched.” He looked her straight on hoping his eyes didn’t express the kind of hurt that was resurfacing

Yana watched him for a few moments “It goes both ways now, doesn’t it?” 

“What?” Victor asked 

“I said it goes both ways now, doesn’t it?” She stared at him straight on, as if daring him to speak out

“I’m not the one at fault here” he said slowly

“You’re being ridiculous” she shot him a look again, it was disgust pure unbridled disgust

“They were abusive” Victor shot back raising his voice involuntarily 

Yana’s eyes started to water, her face growing terse in defiance. She slammed her coffee onto the table with such force some spilled over the edge and onto her fingers and she shouted “And you left me with them”

There was silence 

Silence accompanying a large bought of understanding

Victor’s eyes widened and he watched her, her eyes digging into his, her hands now covered in coffee unmoving, stony.

“They hurt me, I had to leave”

“Victor you didn’t just leave them, you left me alone with them. The months you lived with your coach, I was the person they hurt, I was the person they attacked ruthlessly, do you have any idea what that’s like?”  
Victor looked down, wanting desperately to say something to justify his actions but it all began to clear. His memories of the past rushing back to him, now not clouded in anger. The way they would talk over Yana, verbally attack her for doing something wrong, or not doing something right enough. The abuse she suffered as well as he did. 

When Victor left, he could imagine how much worse it got for her, how lonely she must have felt without him there. How much bigger the house would have gotten. 

“But you just watched” Victor said numbly, he was lost for words 

“I was a kid Victor, I was a kid and I had no idea what to do. I was raised in a household where I thought being gay was awful, I thought gay people were sick, that they needed help, or, or something. When I knew you were gay, when I found out much early then you did mind you, I didn’t know what to think. I was confused and scared and I loved you so much it’s when I started to realize that everything mama and papa had told us was wrong. How could someone like you, so beautiful, so pure, be evil, and wrong and sick.”

Victor watched a tear slide down her cheek, she didn’t wipe it off, she wore it proudly, like armor.

“When he hit you, I wanted to do something, I wanted to run forward and pull him off you, tell him to stop, believe me please I wanted to. But when I went to move, my feet were stuck to the ground, and air wouldn’t go into my lungs and all I could think of was myself. I hate myself for it but it’s true Victor it’s true.”

Her eyes held a special kind of pain as she spoke

“I was living one day to the next just like you Victor, I knew how much harm it would cause me to stand up against that man, and I regret not doing something every single day of my life Victor. I’m sorry Vitya, I’m sorry”

Victor wanted those words, nearly all his life he wanted to hear his sister apologizing for what she had done, he wanted her to acknowledge what she had done to him, more than that some sick part of Victor wanted her to hurt for it, wanted her to suffer, but now, sitting by her side and watching her stubborn tears slide down her cheeks, Victor just felt relieved

“Don’t be”

“What?”

“Don’t be sorry, I understand, you… you were just a kid and you couldn’t have stopped anything if you tried, it’s okay” 

“Do you forgive me?” she asked 

“There’s nothing to forgive” 

“I’m sorry I left you alone with them, I didn’t even think about your life when I wasn’t there, but when they won the hearing I had to go back and live with them for the next few months until I turned sixteen so I understand what your life must have been like now” 

“You lost the trial?”

“Dah, I don’t know why though” Victor said taking a sip of his coffee 

“I’m sorry, I was already gone”

“I know, It’s okay”

“Do you forgive me for leaving you with them?” he asked 

“There is nothing to forgive” Yana mirrored with a small smile which Victor gladly returned

“I’ve missed you Vitya” 

“I’ve missed you too Yana” 

Victor jumped over the table to wrap his arms around his big sister, and was thankful to hear her first giggle before she tightened her arms around him. 

Just for a moment, a wonderful shining moment everything was perfect

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Russia was better than Victor expected

After Victor and Yana talked for a while, Yana telling him about her life and this guy she works with who she’s head over heels in love with, but whose completely blind to her advances, when Yana told him that she finally admitted her feelings and the guy responded with “Oh I like you too, like a sister” Yana hit Victor over the head for laughing at, and Victor told her about Yuuri, avoiding actually telling her about his sickness, not wanting to ruin the perfect time they were having.

Eventually though Yana glanced at her phone, and noticing the time she apologized saying that she must be going. 

Victor insisted on paying, he was rich after all, and hugged her goodbye. Not before they swapped numbers, and promised to text and call often. 

Then she was gone, and with a smile on his face, Victor ordered a refill and was on his way. 

He was stopped by a few reporters on the way in, accidentally got in a small fight with Yurio in which his new cup of coffee was knocked into the carpet which should have ruined his mood even a little bit; instead for whatever reason he couldn’t stop smiling. 

He said hello to Lilia, hugging her warmly, still casting a greeting to Yakov despite being ignored. 

Yuuri did amazing during his short skate, landing every jump perfectly and pouring his heart out on the ice earning a score of 109.97 and Yurio fell during his triple axel but aced all his quads and despite looking a bit angry during his performance, Yurio looked like he still hadn’t found his agape. Even the Canadian douche bag that took first place, moving Yuuri to second couldn’t ruin Victor mood. 

Later when Victor was in the bathroom washing his hands, he half expected to be greeted with the familiar bloody nose or a mind numbing headache; instead all he saw was his old self, with his sister by his side and the entire rink cheering for him, but he felt even better now because now he had Yuuri. 

As if on cue his phone began buzzing against his thigh, Victor sloppily finished drying his hands and fished it out of his pocket, he was greeted with two new texts from Yana, his newly acquired contact, they read:  
‘Nice job Vitya, the whole shop was cheering for your boy’

Victor’s cheeks reddened at ‘your boy’

‘He was pretty hot out there, better snatch him up before someone else does’

Victor had to laugh, it all felt so natural having his sister back into his life, it was almost as if she had never left, and was there by his side the entire time cheering him on through his ice skating career, supporting him with his decision to start coaching, Victor wondered momentarily how she would react to his diagnosis and he was hit with a sharp pang of guilt for not telling her. He quickly buried the thought and shot back a brief 

‘Oh believe me I’m trying’ with the kiss emoji Victor loved so much

He slid his phone back into his pocket, Victor would tell her eventually but right now he wanted to savor this moment, make it last for as long as he could. 

Tossing his hair with his hand, Victor strode back out into the hallway of reporters, cameramen, coaches, and ice skaters, he saw Yuuri turned around with his phone to his ear and repressed a smile. 

Even the sight of Yuuri could brighten his day, Victor walked up behind him, hoping to be quite as to not disrupt his call, he suspected it was his family calling to congratulate him; he really had done quite a good job today, Victor was ready to go back to the hotel room with him, sleep and talk. After China, Victor knew how to handle any anxiety of Yuuri's that popped up. Victor was ready for him to turn around and offer him a smile, or a grin.

Instead Yuuri turned around eyes wide in panic, “Victor you need to get back to Japan, I can handle the free skate tomorrow on my own!” 

Victor’s eyes widened, what? Did Yuuri not want him to be his coach anymore? Unintentionally a large goofy smile fell over his face like he took Yuuri’s words as a joke

“What do you mean Yuuri? Have you gotten tired of me already?” Victor joked

“No, no it’s not that, it’s just…” Yuuri brought his hand up to his face and bit onto the meat of his thumb not making eye contact with Victor

Something felt wrong, why was Yuuri acting like this?

“Makkachin is sick” Yuuri finally blurted out 

Victor felt the floor drop out beneath him; his heart fell to the pit of his stomach.

“He’s at the vets right now and they don’t know if he’s going to make it”

Deep down Victor knew he wanted more than anything to go, fly back to Hasetsu tonight to be with Makkachin, but he also knew he had a job as a coach and he couldn’t just leave Yuuri here in Russia all alone, he knew how fragile Yuuri was and how quickly he could turn to a puddle of anxiety especially during his free skate if he didn’t have some kind of support system

“No, no I can’t I-”

“No, you need to leave, my biggest regret in life, is that I didn’t go back to be with Vichan when he died, I wish I could have kissed his paws just one more time, but instead I stayed to complete the Grand Prix, so don’t you make that same mistake okay?”

Yuuri was shouting know, and people were glancing over their shoulders to see what was the problem

“If Makka is… If Makka is dying, I want you to be with him in the end, he is going to be so scared and he’ll need you Victor, he’ll need you” 

“Yuuri-”

“You know you have to go back!”

“I already told you, I can’t” Victor began to feel a migraine popping up behind his eye, probably brought on by stress, oh yeah and by the fucking tumor residing there. Victor reached to grab his head trying to relieve any kind of the pain. 

Out of the corner of his eyes he spotted Yakov standing by Lilia and Yurio. 

That’s it! Yuuri didn’t have to be alone and neither did Makkachin if he really was… 

“Yakov!” 

Victor started forward “That’s it; thank god I’m so glad you’re here, you are the coach for me.” If anyone would understand why he needed to leave, besides Yuuri, it would be Yakov; he was with him when he bought Makkachin of course. 

“What’s this crawling back already?” Victor translated this to ‘what’s wrong?’

Victor looked at Yakov, the person he loved, the person who loved him. Hopefully Yakov could tell what was wrong, after being his guardian for so many years, Victor was sure it only took a glance for Yakov to tell that something was wrong “It’ll just be for tomorrow, for one day only will you be Yuuri’s coach?

And just like that, Victors perfect day, shattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment, kudos, or come hang out with me on tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine or dariarawr  
> comment for the soundtrack of this chapter  
> next update on 10/24/17  
> EDIT   
> I will be pushing the update to 10/25/17, my computer and ao3 are failing me today expect the update tomorrow!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a little around two in the morning when he arrived. He was immediately hugged by each member of the family as well as Minako who came to offer any kind of support she could. 
> 
> Victor barely had time to sit down, before a vet slid open a door and walked out, she had a surgical mask over her face, and by the reactions of the Katsuki’s Victor knew this was Makkachin’s doctor. Victor straightened in his seat, and watched as Toshiya, Yuuri’s father, exchanged a few rushed words in Japanese with the lady. Victor cursed himself for not learning Japanese a long time ago, instead he waited for them to finish their conversation and for Toshiya to translate what had been said to Victor, the vet waited on the side, pushing her glasses up her nose from where they had been slipping. 
> 
> Toshiya turned to Victor and simply said “Do you want to go see him?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about how the late update my computer shut down four times while trying to upload this and I got angry, I added the edited update change on mobile, because my computer was just not having it today.  
> This is also the chapter where my original twelve chapter plan was blown to bits and became thirteen chapters, I got carried away...  
> Enjoy!

Victor waited in the lobby

Elbows resting on jittery knees, he was vaguely aware of Mari watching him with concern from the corner of his eye, but mostly Victor was deep in the recesses of his mind trying desperately to remember the last night he saw Makkachin. If he can remember correctly it was shortly before leaving to China, usually the skater returns to their home country to get a few days of practice in before moving onto the next competition, but Yuuri and Victor both agreed to stay in China before going to Russia instead of going back to Hasetsu.

Now Victor regrets that decision more than anything

He wished he went back to Hasetsu if only to kiss Makkachin’s nose and hug him one more time. 

At the thought, a new fresh wave of tears hit Victor, and he sniffed desperately bringing a sloppy hand to his dripping eyes. This was probably the fourth time he’s broken down like this, and to be expected  
Yuuri’s mom was there to comfort him, by rubbing a motherly hand on his back. 

Victor was thankful for the presence, slightly uncomfortable with how she knew exactly when to help him, and when to back off and give him the space he needed, the last person he remembered having that keen sense, was Yakov back when Victor lived with him. 

Right at that moment, Victor foolishly wished Yuuri, Yana, and Yakov were there with him. Obviously they couldn’t, Yakov was coaching Yurio and Yuuri who had a competition to perform in a few hours, and Yana was miles away in the middle of her job it was stupid for Victor to want their comfort. 

Victor landed about an hour ago; he jumped in the Katsuki’s family car as he was updated about Makkachin’s condition. Apparently he got into some steamed buns, and a few got lodged in throat cutting off his air supply, Yuuri’s mother explained that he wasn’t moving when they found him, that was the first time Victor broke down in front of her. They rushed him to a hospital and called Yuuri, who in turn told Victor, and so on, so on. 

When they entered the veterinarian clinic, Victor was bombarded with shiny white surfaces, standing out in the darkness of Hasetsu; it was a little around two in the morning when he arrived. He was immediately hugged by each member of the family as well as Minako who came to offer any kind of support she could. 

Victor barely had time to sit down, before a vet slid open a door and walked out, she had a surgical mask over her face, and by the reactions of the Katsuki’s this was Makkachin’s doctor. Victor straightened in his seat, and watched as Toshiya, Yuuri’s father, exchanged a few rushed words in Japanese with the lady. Victor cursed himself for not learning Japanese a long time ago, instead he waited for them to finish their conversation and for Toshiya to translate what had been said to Victor, the vet waited on the side, pushing her glasses up her nose from where they had been slipping. 

Toshiya turned to Victor and simply said “Do you want to go see him?” 

Victor took this to mean the worst, why would the vet offer to let Victor see Makkachin if everything was alright, this was just to say goodbye wasn’t it? Victor choked back a sob, and he hated himself all the more for it, he knew how quick Makkachin was to panic when he see Victor crying 

He had to stay brave so Makkachin was comfortable in his last moments. Victor nodded and Toshiya spoke again to the nurse, she simply turned on her heel and guided him back to the room. As she pushed back the sliding door, Victor had a clear image of Makkachin, splayed out on a metal counter top, the sight almost broke him. 

Makkachin had small shaved spot of his neck, and his eyes fought to stay open, Victor felt a small sob build his way up and die in his throat. Victor immediately fell to his knees in front of the table, lowering himself to Makkachin who beat his tail weakly at the sight of Victor 

Victor forced himself to reach out and pet him, his hand bouncing softly on his curls, Makkachin moved slightly forward to lick off Victor’s tears. He laughed weakly; Makkachin was always so concerned about him, he remembered the time he pushed Makka away when he was panicking after his diagnosis, Victor wished that instead he pulled him closer and held on while he still could. 

This was added insult to injury, Victor was supposed to die before Makkachin, sure he was getting older and weaker but he could live with the Katsuki’s when Victor was gone, he knew he would be comfortable there, happy.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. 

Lost in thought, Victor was aware of Toshiya speaking again with the vet, he didn’t look at him for translation instead blindly trusting that Toshiya would supply what Victor needed. He was too focused on Makkachin’s brown nose, and he didn’t want to look away. 

“She says that he’s a very strong dog” 

Victor nodded, he knew that of course, Makkachin could be dramatic when he wanted to be, whimpering over a small injury, but he was strong

“But” –here it comes- “she doesn’t know if he’ll make it” 

Victor closed his eyes hard. 

“Her best guess is that if he survives the night, he’ll be okay” 

Victor nodded, just one night. It’s all they had to do, they could handle that. 

The lady spoke again 

“She said it would be best if you let him rest, she’ll call us in if anything else happens” Toshiya informed

Victor nodded again. He pushed himself off the floor and pressed a solitary kiss to Makka’s head, stopping to whisper in Russian one last “good boy” before turning and following the vet, and the rest of the Katsuki’s out the sliding door and back into the lobby. 

It was going to be a long night

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

The move back was awful, Victor didn’t even cry anymore. He cried when packing his bags, and he cried on the drive over, and he cried one last time when Yakov and Lilia hugged him, double checked he had his emergency phone to call them if anything happened, and then hugged him again, but the moment Victor entered the door to his old house with his old family, the tears stopped coming. 

He entered his house with his head held high; he wasn’t going to let them see him cry

Lilia and Yakov entered with him, they were the very definition of angry Russians They poured their love out to Victor, but they made their position clear to his parents in an underlying message of don’t-touch-him-again-or-we-kill-you, and, knowing Yakov and Lilia, they would

Every day, he left for practice with Yakov, and after the two hours were up Yakov would drive him back to his house (he no longer referred to it as his home) on Mondays Lilia was off practice early and they would wait for her at the rink before all leaving together, Mondays quickly became Victors favorite day, although some of his rink mates thought he was weird for it. 

As for back at his house, things were stagnant. His parent’s demeanor was nothing short of cold, and Victor was cold right back. They barely even talked, spare for the occasional thank you, and excuse me. Once Victor’s father tried to start a conversation about school, and Victor shut him down before he could continue, he had no right to Victor’s life. 

As for Victors ice-skating career, things were taking off. Victor won a short performance in Moscow, which took him away from his house for a week, and with that win, his fame sky-rocketed.

Soon enough, he had photo-shoots, and interviews with local news stations, when Victor went to a doctors or dentist’s office, he was in a section in at least one of the magazines scattered on the table. 

The routine persisted, wake up, attend a half day of school, and straight to the rink, then Yakov (and sometimes Lilia) would drive him back to his house, always making sure to ask him if his family was treating him okay. 

Victor knew his family consisted of his mom, his dad, and his sister who, Victor passionately hated for leaving him, but his real family, for all intents and purposes, consisted of an old crotchety ice skating coach, a Russian ballerina, and of course the ice.

Victor turned sixteen in three months, and then, he would be free. He would go back to living full time with Yakov and Lilia, and he could leave his parents behind. 

Everything was going fine; the trouble came about five months into the living arrangement. He had skipped skating practice for the day, despite Yakov’s warnings not to, because since when has Victor listened to Yakov?

Victor was talking with a new guy; he had red hair, and brown eyes and this face that was dusted heavily with large freckles. 

It started innocently enough; they met at school the boy asked Victor why he only attended a half day and when Victor thought he was joking, because who didn’t know who Victor Nikiforov was? It was a classic high school love story. Boy chases boy, boy turns boy down, boy chases boy harder until eventually he yields, and Victor, if anything, was persistent. Eventually the kid told Victor he would let him take him out on a date, and Victor more than eagerly agreed. The next day he convinced him to skip the last half of school, and Victor would skip practice so they could go out an eat ice cream together. 

The boy thought Victor was crazy; eat ice cream in St. Petersburg in October? But hey he was willing to try anything

Well, the boy wasn’t actually that nice, and Victor and him ended up disagreeing on something and the boy walked away leaving Victor stranded downtown, his emergency cell-phone was tucked away in his sock drawer in his room, somewhere he hoped his parents wouldn’t go snooping, he had almost no money, and most importantly, he had no idea how to get back home. 

Eventually he was recognized and given one hundred and eighty rubbles to get a bus ride back to his house, after the day Victor had, he mostly just wanted to collapse on the mattress in Yakov and Lilia’s spare room, after eating ice cream on their couch and crying but with little money he only had enough to get him near his parents’ house to walk the rest of the way. He knew, as he watched the sun set behind the reflective glass of St Petersburg’s sky scrapers, that he was way past his curfew. 

Victor was hoping beyond hope that he could pull open the door and silently slip back into his room without his parents ever noticing or caring that he was late. Of course, as Victor slipped inside as quietly as possible, he knew it was too much to ask. 

His parents, seemed grief stricken, his mother bent over the kitchen table with a tissue in hand, her eyes ringed with red, and Victor’s father paced angrily a phone in hand as he spoke rapid fire Russian to someone on the other line. 

As Victor walked into the room, his mother looked up and cried out for his father to stop. 

“He’s here” Victor father said into the phone “yes fine, goodbye” he hung up, and immediately turned to the boy 

“And where have you been?” 

Victor felt a sudden amount of anger rise to his chest, filling is entire upper body with a deep heat. They had no right to act like they cared, they had no right. Maybe it was the anger that caused Victor to act out, maybe it was his awful day, Victor didn’t know, he didn’t even really care. If he had really thought about it, Victor probably wouldn’t have said anything disrespectful, if he was strictly concerned with his wellbeing Victor would have probably kept his head down and profusely apologized, Victor, however, was not. 

“Why do you care?” Victor asked, his head bobbing slightly as if to physicalize his level of immoderate anger

“Why do you think I care boy?” Victor father shouting, reacting immediately to Victors words

Victors mother straightened at the tone “Dennis…” she warned 

He visibly forced himself to relax “answer me”

Victor could have just left it alone, he really really could have, he could have apologized and just walked away, but here’s the thing, Victor didn’t care. Something inside him, wanted to see how far he could push his father before he broke, or maybe he just wanted to be a hormonal teenager, whatever the reason, Victor pushed back. 

Victor clenched his jaw, weighing the impact his words would have on his father before answering “out on a date”

His mother just turned to cry more while his Victor watched a vein in his father’s head expand and begin to pulse. Victor made direct eye contact with his father, not letting his contact drop.  
His father didn’t even ask, but Victor kept going “with a boy”

He didn’t mention that the date went horribly, he didn’t mention that the boy pissed him off, or that he left him stranded in the middle of the downtown area with no way to contact his family (and by family he meant Lilia and Yakov) he just left it there, he wanted to see what his father would do. 

There was a moment of silence before his father stepped down from his metaphorical pedestal of intimidation, he cleared his throat and broke eye contact and for a single moment Victor thought maybe he had won whatever kind of game this was before his mother spoke

“Victor, we don’t much care for what you’re doing, but we are willing to accept you as long as you don’t bring any of that home”

That was the only extra push Victor needed

“This isn’t my home” 

“Victor-”

“No, you don’t get to Victor me” Victor interrupted. He was vaguely aware that this argument contained more words than were spoken to each other in his five months of staying here, he was vaguely aware that he was digging himself into a large hole that was hard to return from, and that he had no real reason as to why he wouldn’t shut up. He just kept going. “My home is with Lilia and Yakov, and as soon as I turn sixteen I’ll leave this place and be back with them, my real family. My real family, who doesn’t care who I like or who I am, my real family who accepts me and loves me!”

After Victor was finished with his tirade, he stopped to watch his father turn back around, the vein in his forehead pulsing again, this time before Victors mother could even speak his father’s arms were on Victor.  
Victor didn’t even know what happened for a few seconds, everything happened to fast for his find his bearings immediately. He noticed two things; his back was pressed into the staircase the railing digging into his back, and that he couldn’t breathe. It’s all it took for Victor to piece together what had happened. His father had shoved him into the staircase. 

His father had touched him. 

With that one swift realization, the emotional dam Victor had built over the months came crashing down, and with it came the tears. 

The impact itself didn’t hurt, it was the subtle understanding that this man could do anything he wanted to to Victor and that Victor couldn’t stop him. It was the months of tears Victor left unshed raining down in that one moment. 

Before Victor knew it, his father was advancing towards him and his arms were around Victors shoulders.

Victor wanted Lilia and Yakov to burst through the door to save him, but somewhere he knew it wasn’t going to happen. If he wanted to be saved, he had to save himself. 

He followed his instincts, Victor immediately pushed back against his father, and despite being thirty-ish years younger than him, and weighing nearly half his weight, Victor was strong from all the years of ice skating, his father obviously wasn’t expecting the push and he stumbled backward into the doorway. 

Victor began babbling, it was mostly just a drastic sub conscious moment of self-preservation in which Victor spoke “You can’t touch me!” 

The sudden call made his father stop dead in his tracks

“You can’t touch me, because I have a performance next week, followed by a photoshoot and a few interviews” Victor didn’t know where the words were coming from, Victor had a performance in a few months, and he had no plans until then. He kept speaking “If they see bruises on me- or, or if you even touch me, I will tell them what happened, the whole world will know that you’re abusing Victor Nikiforov, Russia’s rising star in ice skating.” Victor spoke more confidently now, ignoring the tears tracking down his cheek, and raising his chest, as if to dare them to call him out on his bluff.

“s-so you can’t touch me” 

His mother was watching from the table with eyes wide, his father just placed his hands up in a placating manner, and Victor who saw his chance ran for it, running upstairs and diving into his room, quick to scoop out his emergency phone, and lock himself in his closet, quickly dialing Yakov and holding the phone to his ear as he let himself sob freely into his palm. 

Yakov picked up quickly, and it took quite a few tries to get Victor to speak back, but eventually once he got a grasp of what had happened he assured Victor that they were on their way. Victor just let the phone drop to the ground as his sobs transformed into large snotty hiccups; he couldn’t even remember the last time he ugly sobbed in such way.

When Yakov texted him that he was there, Victor finally exited the closet before steeling his nerves and tearing open his door to run down the stairs, past where his parents had sat talking quietly in the kitchen, he ripped open the front door and ran straight to the car where Yakov and Lilia sat inside. He couldn’t even talk before he curled up in the backseat, sobbing and vibrating in panic, Lilia climbed in the back with him and Yakov took off driving. 

Lilia wrapped Victor up in her arms and rubbed his back, Victor never would have guessed that Lilia had it in her to be a wonderful mom, but now Victor open mouth gaped into her chest as he cried listening to her explain that his parents had already called them, accusing them of kidnapping Victor before Victor came home. She explained that Yakov and her were already in the car, driving down when they got the call, and that why they got their so fast. 

Victor just listened numbly, overcome with a deep tiredness that directly followed his panic. He only perked up when Lilia told him that “they had a surprise for him” 

Victor sniffed and rubbed his eyes, “what is it?” 

Lilia just giggled (who knew that was something Lilia could do?) and pressed her forehead to Victors “well you’ll just have to wait and see” 

Yakov mumbled something angrily from the front seat, and Lilia spared a second to glare at him in the mirror. Victor just ignored it and returned his head back to Lilia’s shoulder, wondering half-heartedly what the surprise could possibly be.

Before long they were pulling up to the familiar drive way, and Victor was being led out by Lilia, he was entirely ready to just fall asleep on his bed but when Yakov and Lilia shared a look and Yakov went inside, Lilia stopped Victor from following, dropping to make eye contact with Victor 

“The surprise is inside Vitya, but you have to promise to be good and not work yourself up okay?”

Victor nodded and hiccupped slightly

Lilia nodded once “good boy” she turned with Victor on her heel “follow me”

Lilia entered, Yakov, who remained very quiet for most of the car ride was already sat by a counter slowly downing a glass of water. Victor’s eyes immediately were drawn to him and he was in no way aware of the small creature that ran full speed to greet him, running in circles around Victor’s legs, eventually stopping to give him one unceremoniously long lick to his calf before settling to look up at him with these deep set chocolate eyes, that reminded him all too much of his first real boyfriend, the French one that drank too much coffee. 

Victor’s eyes welled up again, it was all too much. He dropped to his knees and let the tiny puppy jump on his chest to lick his face, Victor laughed into his fur, he was a curly haired brown poodle.  
Lilia and Yakov watched him with a profound amount of affection.

“we found him this morning in our bins, I wanted to take him to the pound but Lilia suggested we give him to you, he can be yours officially in three months when you turn sixteen, how does that sound?” Yakov explained 

Victor looked up, turning his affection from the dog to his coach, his blue eyes almost glassy from tears “really?” he asked

“Dah, but you must take good care of him do you hear me Vitya?”

Victor nodded “Yes, yes of course I promise” 

Yakov gave an approving grunt, “then he’s all yours”

Victor’s smile stretched across his face, mingling with the tears that still fell. Victor was a particularly emotional person. 

“What’s his name?” Victor asked, turning his attention back to the still overly excited puppy

“You get to choose” 

Victor looked back at the dog whose tongue stuck out of his mouth, the second Victor focused his attention on him, the puppy made direct eyes contact with Victor. 

Deep brown eyes, almost exactly like his first boyfriend, the French one that drank too much coffee, if Victor could remember right, he always drank a mocha with a dash of cinnamon. Victor loved his Moccaccino’s as much as he loved him. 

I guess that settled it then, he looked into the puppy’s eyes and once again he felt the world shift, he wasn't ever going to be alone again

“I think” Victor said 

“I’ll call him Makkachin”

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Natural light began to flood into the vet’s office, intermingling with the artificial light pouring in from the light fixtures on the wall. Victor glanced up from the tony spot on a counter he had been staring at. 

In the vet’s office, two small and well trained cats roamed the halls, they belonged to the office, and Victor guessed they were there for emotional support, something about animals that Victor noticed, was how quickly they picked up on human’s emotions. The small grey cat that had emerged from his little castle a little over an hour ago and had immediately recognized the whirlpool of emotions Victor was experiencing settled on his lap. After digging her claws into Victors thighs deep enough to leave a scratch or two. Victor just rested his hand atop the cats back and tuned the world out for the next few hours. 

The cat stretched on his lap and climbed off to occupy himself with some food and water that one of receptionists had placed out for her, as the sun rose higher in the sky. 

If Victor was correct, Yuuri was about ready to start his program. 

Yana was probably waking up for the day, ready to leave for her job at the pharmacy. 

The fisherman was probably setting up for his morning fish

Yakov and Lilia were probably training Yuuri and Yurio, drilling them over and over again on their performances, Victor hoped they went easy on Yuuri, offered him the support he needed. They never really had any practice with a skater who was pretty much a bundle of anxiety before, he was scared they would push, and push him until he broke.

Once again Victor was hit with a deep pang of longing; he wished Yuuri was there with him. With the great strides of physical contact they had made recently, he half imagined that if Yuuri was there with him he would hold his hand, brush away his hair, and hold him. Victor knew it was a selfish thought, but he wished he could take him away from the competition so Yuuri was there with him, offering an unrelenting stream of comfort. 

It was at that thought, that the door that held Makkachin slid open. Toshiya who had fallen asleep in a chair jolted awake as the vet stepped out. Victor straightened slightly and watched them with wide eyes as they conversed, once again cursing himself for not learning Japanese when he was a kid. He watched Toshiya heave, letting all the tension seep from his body and Victor released the breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. 

Oh thank god. 

Toshiya turned to Victor and smiled

“He’s okay” He said

Victor opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His eyes dampened again, god Victor had cried too much for today. He mumbled out some half coherent sentence about going in to see him and Toshiya nodded, Victor followed him and he followed the vet. 

There Makkachin sat, no longer on the countertop but now on the ground, his tail wagging and his mocha brown eyes wide. 

Victor laughed and sunk down to run his hands through Makkachin’s fur, oh my god. 

The vet began speaking again; Toshiya nodded his head thankfully and turned to translate for Victor 

“So we can take him home, but we have to be careful with him, he needs to rest so no treats, or walks, or anything else mildly exciting okay?” 

Victor nodded thankfully

“He also is going to have to take some medication every meal time, but he’ll be fine Victor. He’ll be fine” 

Victor nodded again thankfully letting Makkachin lick off the tears that stuck to his cheeks, oh what a good boy. 

Eventually they got everyone back in the Katsuki family car, Makkachin spread out over the back seats with his head in Victors lap and upon arrival at Yu-topia they fed him his second round of pills for the day with some coaxing from Victor and they settled him in Victors bed back at the inn (and when did the spare bed become Victors?) 

Victor quickly shot off a quick text to Yana, Lilia, Yakov, and Yuuri about Makkachin’s condition, with an extra good-luck text to Yuuri, he thanked the Katsuki family (and Minako) for all their help in the past hours, then he turned to his bed and barely taking his shoes off first, promptly passed out. 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

When Victor woke up, he honestly thought that maybe he had died in his sleep, and he was some kind of ghostly apparition waiting to depart from his body and move on to greener pastures, and if Victor was truly honest with himself, he really wouldn’t have minded if it was true.

The first things he noticed was the head ache, pounding away behind his eye, making it incredibly hard for him to open his eyes completely

That was partly because of the second things he noticed, the bright sunlight streaming in through the windows. 

The next thing he noticed was that Makkachin sleeping away with no large amount of grace on the foot of his bed

And then he was overly aware of uncomfortable stiffness in his nose, and when he went to touch it, he came away with dried blood. Great, so now his bloody noses were visiting him in his sleep too. Victor turned to look at his pillow which looks rather akin to a slaughter house, blood was splattered across the pillow case and Victor could hardly stand to look at it too closely, without getting nauseous. 

Victor stumbled rather belatedly to the on-suite bathroom, connected to his room, moving slowly as to not wake Makkachin and to not further jar his headache.

He quickly turned on the tap, and without even bothering to glance in the mirror first, gathered a hand full of water and splashed it bodily on his face, rubbing his cheeks and eyes to rinse of any remaining blood.  
Victor stopped, hunched over the sink and stared at his reflection in the mirror; his hair was stained and crusty with the rusty color of dried blood that Victor was getting all too used to. Under Victors pale eyes he had deep set bags that were turning a sickly green under his flesh, Victor glanced around the dimly lit bathroom pausing to glance at the brush, covered almost completely in Victors silver hair. 

When he turned to face his reflection again he tried to say something, something comforting in Russian something like “back to bed” or “alrighty then” or even just a single word, but all that came out was a raspy sound, almost like Victor was choking. 

It was enough to send him into full on panic mode. 

Victor tried harder; he focused on the single word ‘Ostanovit’ which meant stop it in English. All that came out was a dull “buh” noise

The words were still there, skimming dangerously far away under the surface but when Victor tried to form the words with his tongue, with his mouth, with his mind all that came out was that threateningly lame sound “buh , buh, buh”

Victor felt the beginning of a panic attack claw up from the depth of his stomach to his throat, threatening to choke him. 

Victor felt his knees going weak, and he slumped across the wall, leaning heavily on the towel rack, the rack which wasn’t meant to support the weight of twenty seven year old man bent and eventually was pulled from the wall and fell along with Victor to the tile floor. 

He didn’t feel guilt for ruining the Katsuki’s bathroom, it was as if the panic was grasping Victor tightly around the heart and promising to never let go,, it was blocking almost any other emotion besides a cold strike of fear that trickled down Victors chest as if it was ice being forcefully poured down Victors throat

Oh god, he was so scared. 

Victor tried to speak again, this time something simple, he tried out his own name. It shouldn’t be that hard. 

Instead just came out another “b-buh” 

Victor gave up on kindness, and now he shouted it. If he had that one syllable, he would use it to his advantage

From the spot on the floor, he grasped the towel rack and hit it firmly on the door, producing a loud ‘thump’ sound

He shouted again “Buh! Buh! Buh!” Victor felt his stomach turn and he felt a heat spill out over his shirt

Hoping the noise would attract someone who could help him, get him to a hospital. 

He tried again now screaming the sound, hitting the towel rack harder.

Eventually he heard a whimper from Makkachin, he must have woken up from the noise. Sensing Victors panic, he pulled himself from the bed and went to paw at the closed door. 

“Buh! Buuuh!” 

Makkachin pawed harder, and upon realizing he couldn’t enter the door he began to cry out. Victor heard Makkachin slide down the door and start to howl

Good boy, Victor thought. 

Eventually all his efforts rewarded him, a small knock came from outside, he could Yuuri’s mother Hiroko knock gently on the door

“are you alright Victor?” she asked through the door

‘No!’ Victor wanted to shout ‘please help!’ Instead just came out another weak “buh” he hit the towel on the floor to get her attention

“I’m coming in now” she said raising her voice, Victor could almost cry in relief when he heard the assured slide of the Japanese door, he heard a small gasp and as she padded quickly to the door she pushed Makkachin out of the way slightly

Victor hit the towel rack again weakly this time

When the door opened, he could see the blurry form of Hiroko gasping and leaning down to him “Victor! Victor are you okay?” 

Victor felt relief flood his system at being found, but another round of fear and panic at the realization he was still sick. He vaguely wondered if this was some kind of brain damage, maybe he hit his head a while back and the symptoms were only now showing. 

Was he going to spend the last eight months of his life in some kind of stupor, only able to voice one god forsaken syllable?

Hiroko bent down and hesitantly reached a hand out guiding him up and towards the shower. 

Victor was slightly confused at her grim but forcefully calm expression, it’s like she had dealt with this before. He struggled against her movements and she released him quickly, placing her hands over her head in a placating manner, he tried to speak again giving a pathetic whimper of “buh, buh” 

“I know dear, don’t try to speak, it’s okay”

Victor found some semblance of calm in her voice and tried to calm himself

He let her guide her into the shower, gently taking off his soiled jacket and shirt, somewhere in the panic Victor must have thrown up on himself, he didn’t even feel embarrassed at it, it’s like he already whole heartedly trusted this women to take care of him. 

She turned on the water and let it wash over not only her arms soaking into her sleeves, but also maneuvered Victor under the spout to help him rinse off. The room temperature water was helping soothe Victors panic slightly, and he grew aware that as she was methodically moving him she was speaking. 

“-know what this is Victor?”

“b-uh” 

She shook her head “don’t try and talk, just nod your head yes and no for me. Can you do that Victor?”

Victor tried, slowly moving his head up and down in a nod. A sense of calm settled over him. It was as if Victor was drowning, and he had suddenly been tossed a life line. He had some kind of power of communication, and he was holding on as tight as he possibly could. 

“Good” she commended, tilting Victors head down slightly under the water

“Do you know what this is?” she asked again 

Victor took a second before shaking his head no

Hiroko nodded grimly “this is called aphasia, it happens sometimes. It’s very scary when it happens to you, but it goes away after a few minutes.”

Victor didn’t respond, he was tired and scared and confused

“Aphasia means you have difficulty in speaking, and forming words. This happened to my dad when he got older he…” Hiroko trailed off as if realizing that what she was saying wasn’t the most comforting thing at the moment 

Victor let it slide

Eventually Hiroko was satisfied with Victors state and pulled him out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his shoulders and guiding him down to the toilet to sit down

Victor noticed how shaky he had gotten, Hiroko noticed too, she stood next to him gently rubbing his back. 

Victor felt like a wreck, and he was sure he looked like one too.

“Okay let’s try this, do you know what this is?” she asked gesturing to the towel around Victors shoulders

He nodded “buh”

“Okay” Hiroko said “It’s a towel” 

Victor knew that “b-buh” 

“Look at my mouth when I say this” she said pointing to her lips, Victor focused his attention on her lips. “Towel” she said over enunciating the ‘tow’ 

Victor nodded seeing how her tongue folded against her upper teeth before clicking off and forming the t sound. He tried to copy it “tow…” he tried pausing for a second to try again “towel” 

Once the word was out of his mouth, he gasped “towel” he repeated “towel!”

Hiroko smiled kindly “good job she said, and what’s your name?”

Victor thought for a moment about how his mouth moved to form to form the v sound. “Victor” he said slowly

He released a large breathe he was holding and slumped against the back of the toilet, oh god he could speak again.

“Victor” he whispered, suddenly feeling just how tired he was seep into his bones

Hiroko looked unbelievably relieved 

“Th-thank you” Victor said 

His eyes fell to the towel rack ripped precipitously from the wall and sitting in the corner of the bathroom he pointed to it “I’m sorry about your towel rack” he said slowly 

Hiroko shushed him “you don’t need to worry about that right now, let’s get you to your bed” 

Victor nodded “okay” 

Victor let himself be guided from the toilet and back into his bed where Makkachin sat looking worried. Victor picked up his hand and let it drop on Makkachin’s head. “good boy” he said slowly in Russian, testing out his control over his other languages, he said it again in French thankful that all the languages he knew were functioning well enough. Victor sighed in relief. 

Hiroko followed him; she hadn’t lost the look of grim understanding. 

She stopped in front of Victor offering him the small glass from his bathroom filled with water, he thankfully gulped it down.

“What is it?” she asked still standing next to him

Victor looked up, concerned “what is… what?” he asked 

“The blood on your pillow, the bloody noses in general, and now this aphasia” she added bluntly “what’s going on Victor?”

He felt the ground slip out from under his feet “um…”

“I know it’s something Victor. My father had cancer and he displayed many of the same symptoms as you, and you need to stop hiding this away. What is it?” 

Victor looked down to his feet “a tumor”

She nodded, a bitter look crossed her face before disappearing “Is it curable?” she asked avoiding eye contact with him

There was a pause for a moment, not like Victor was trying to avoid answering the question, more like he was trying to savor the few moments before he said it allowed 

“No”

Hiroko bit her lip and nodded slightly. “How long do you have left?” 

“No one knows for sure but the doctors think about eight more months” 

The next thing out of Hiroko’s mouth took Victor by surprise “and does Yuuri know?”

Victor finally turned to Hiroko making eyes contact with her for a moment, Yuuri had her eyes

He didn’t even have to shake his head, she just knew. 

“Well Victor, you have to tell him” as Victors mouth opened to complain she spoke louder “I may be old but I’m not a fool, I know how much you care about him”

Victor closed his gaping mouth

“I know you care about him more than how a coach cares for his student. And I know my boy, he cares about you too” 

Victor glanced up at her surprised

“Yes, really.” She said, looking down to her withered hands as if fondly recalling a memory “you inspired him to skate, he used to walk around calling himself Mr. Yuuri Nikiforov” she said with a huff of laughter “we always thought it was cute, his little childhood crush, but we thought that was all it was. When you actually showed up here… well I’ve watched my boy blossom into a strong confident young man.” Hiroko stopped for a moment to turn to Victor 

“If you’re going to do something, you have to do it soon”

Victor finally began to speak “Hiroko, if I only have eight months left, and if he really cares about me the way you think he does I don’t want to hurt him when I’m gone”

Hiroko gave a small humph of laughter “well then Mr. Nikiforov, I’m afraid you really don’t know my son” 

Victor looked up at her, Hiroko laughed at his expression and kept speaking

“Yuuri would be more than happy to spend any time he can get with you, I think if anything he would be hurt that you wouldn’t tell him” 

Somewhere in their talk Hiroko’s hand found Victors and she squeezed tightly as they sat for a moment in silence. Eventually she squeezed his hand tightly and then let go, standing up and busying herself around the room. 

“I need to find a new pillow case for you, since that one’s completely ruined” she said going to strip his pillow of its case. 

“You should get up now, if you’re feeling up to it, we’ve already made some breakfast and its waiting outside for you”

Victor looked up suddenly concerned, was she going to tell everyone? 

Hiroko shushed him quickly “now don’t you go worrying about whether or not I’m going to tell Yuuri or Toshiya or anyone else. It’s your business and your secret to tell, but I do think you should tell everyone. It’s important to know, in case something like this happens again and I’m not around to help” she finished 

Victor nodded “thank you”

Hiroko stopped for a moment turning to watch Victor “of course dear.”

Victor watched her bustle around the room for a moment longer. The whole incident shook him to his core, and he felt like he was naked, letting her know about his diagnosis, it was as if he had just revealed his deepest darkest secret, but he still felt somehow calm. Almost confident, in knowing there was someone else who knew what he wanted to hide, someone who made sure he knew he didn’t have to battle this alone. It made Victor feel content and stronger for it. 

“Oh and Victor?” she said turning to him slightly 

“Yes?” he asked

“Yuuri’s coming back in a few hours.” 

Yuuri! Of course, he had probably already finished his free skate, and his score determined if he was going onto the next skate in Barcelona. Oh god how could Victor forget, he was such a bad coach! 

“He did great, Toshiya, Mari and I watched him online. He was a bit shaky but I suspect that was just because you weren’t there to support him. He tied for fourth place and is advancing to the next round” she said with a smirk

Victor felt a large smile over take his face. Yes Yuuri could do it, and even more importantly, he could do it without him. 

“I knew he could do it” Hiroko said with a smile

Victor was excited he got onto the next level of the Grand Prix Final, but mostly he was just excited to see him again. 

Victor smiled with her and as he repeated what she said he felt a little bit of hope blossoming in his chest “Yeah, I knew he could"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was an emotionally exhausting chapter to write, it somehow got way to large to fit my original plan for chapter six, and I had to move the end half into chapter seven, which made me change my entire plan and it came out with thirteen chapters. This chapter is also largely focused on Makkachin, and even though he recovers it made me think all too much about my dog who sadly passed away a few weeks before I wrote this chapter, I had to take a lot of breaks to feel mentally prepared enough to continue, it's one of the reasons it took so long to finish.  
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed  
> Leave a kudo's, comment, or come hang out with me on tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine or dariarawr  
> comment for the soundtrack of this chapter  
> EDIT: after a comment, I've decided to add a bit of warning for anyone reading my fic. This is a fan-fiction, all the events in this are fictional and happen to fictional character, Hiroko's treatment of Victor in the end of this chapter is not in any way meant as a guide for helping someone through a medical issue in real life, I used her actions as a convenient plot point, and I specifically included that she had dealt with aphasia attacks in her past and knows how to take care of them. In real life, please don't use this a guide for dealing with your own or another persons medical issues, don't write it off or think you can deal with it by ignoring it. Get help.  
> next update 7/29/17


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you sure you want to leave Makkachin here dear?” Hiroko asked from behind the counter
> 
> Yuuri turned to answer her but Victor beat him to it “dah, it would be best to let him rest” 
> 
> “Yeah, we think a long walk like what we were prepared for will be a bit too hard on him” Yuuri added
> 
> Hiroko nodded, her eyes lingered on Victor who in turn met her eyes
> 
> There was a moment of understanding between them and Yuuri felt a little bit confusion as well as mild irritation that his crush (oh god, his crush?!) and his mom already had a silent language they shared, that Yuuri was out of the loop on
> 
> The conversation didn’t go well though, Victor averted his eyes quickly, efficiently breaking off their ‘little talk’ and Yuuri’s mom gave him a scathing almost parental look
> 
> Yuuri was just left confused
> 
> Victor picked up the bag Yuuri had dropped on the ground and gave a large heart shaped smile at Yuuri and Hiroko “well let’s go, I want to see the ocean” 
> 
> “Oh okay” Yuuri said shooting his mom a confused glance and letting himself blindly follow Victor out into the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another big one, It's the second beach chapter, and one of my favorites  
> enjoy!

Oh god, how did he get here?

The day was wonderful mind you, after the heartfelt reunion at the airport, Yuuri greeted Makkachin who decided to sleep in his room for the night, and then immediately fell asleep, jet lagged from the ride back to Japan. He thought the next month between competitions would go as it normally did, rigorous practice, dietary restrictions, and his family and Victor nearby. 

Instead the very next day he and Victor skipped practice to go down to the beach, and although he didn’t say anything, Victor seemed like he was dying to tell Yuuri something, as if something was burning at the tip of his tongue. Yuuri halfheartedly wanted it to be some kind of declaration of love.

Yuuri wasn’t an idiot, he knew there was something between him and Victor, but it was as if they were in some kind of bubble, and if Yuuri admitted what was going on between them it would pop the bubble and they would have to face the consequences of his actions, and while those consequences might be wonderful, Yuuri really didn’t want to have to deal with them right now

So they roamed the beach and talked the entire time, laughing over nothing and occasionally letting their hands brush, both blushing when the other person didn’t pull away. Yuuri had never had a real relationship when he was a kid but he imagined this is what twelve year olds would act like on a date. Surprisingly, Yuuri didn’t mind. 

But still, how did he get here?

By here, he meant in bed with a world champion ice skater and not any world champion ice skater mind you, but Victor Nikiforov himself.

He looked down to the ice god himself, tucked securely at Yuuri’s side, breathing deeply, sound asleep. At some point in the night Victor shifted wrapping his arms around Yuuri’s stomach and burrowing into his heat, which only made Yuuri blush deeper and squirm slightly, but Yuuri eventually got comfortable and confident enough to wrap a single arm around Victor back, almost content in the moment. 

His last thought as sleep overcame him was that he wanted it to last forever

Yuuri closed his eyes 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

His free skate determined whether or not he was going to move on to the Grand Prix Final in Barcelona, but all Yuuri could think about as he took to the ice was Victor. Rapid memories of him, smiling or demonstrating a spin for Yuuri flashed through his mind, he wondered if Victor was watching him from Hasetsu. 

Yuuri had received the text confirming that Makkachin was alright about an hour ago, and Yuuri could have collapsed from relief, but instead he just thought of Victor more. 

During his performance he was vaguely aware that his jumps weren’t going all that well, he two footed a landing for one of his jumps and he popped the landing for another. The only thing that got him through was focusing on how Victor would react, he wanted to make him proud, but even more, and he really just wanted to be with him. 

Once the performance was over he sat with Yakov in the kiss and cry and after getting the news that Yuuri was in fact going to go to the Grand Prix Finals, he listened to Yakov berate him for all the mistakes he had made during his performance and for a single (weirdly comforting) moment Yuuri was greeted with the spitting image of Victor instead of Yakov, he could see where Victor got it from, and instead of breaking down, apologizing, or agreeing with him like he usually would, he just wrapped his arms around Yakov and squeezed tightly. 

Besides the fact that hugging people was just a really comforting movement in of its self it, Yakov was also the closest thing to Victor that Yuuri was going to get. 

After a, pretty interesting encounter with Yuri, who gave him a few pork cutlet bowl flavored piroshky’s, he boarded the first plane to Hasetsu, eager to see Makkachin and Victor again. 

Yuuri noticed a surprising increase of dependency on the other man in the past few months, he hadn’t seen Victor for a grand total of maybe 20 hours and in that time span he had thought of little more than seeing Victor again. 

It was at the airport that he really noticed just how bad the problem was. From the moment he reached down in the airport terminal, and he saw a pair of paws touch the glass that separated those coming from a flight and those waiting to go on one, he couldn’t help himself. He looked up first to see the very healthy and very happy face of Makkachin, and then when he looked up farther his eyes met crystal blue ones.  
And he couldn’t stop himself 

Yuuri ran, his feet weren’t shaky, his stance wasn’t timid, in fact he ran as if for the first time in his life, he knew for certain what he was running too.

When the glass doors automatically opened for him, he didn’t even hesitate before running into Victors open arms, they just stood there for a moment, Victors arms around his, tight in a vise like grip before Victor spoke

“Yuuri…”

There was moment of hesitation in his voice, leading Yuuri to think that what he was about to say was important, almost bubble-bursting important

“I’ve been thinking about what I should do going forward as your coach”

Yuuri closed his eyes 

“Yeah so have I” he mumbled, before using his hands to quickly maneuver Victor out of the hug and stand a few feet apart from him

Victor took a few steps in surprise to stabilize himself from the sudden movement 

“Victor will you…” Yuuri started, the implication of his words hanging off his tongue “be my coach? Until I retire?” Yuuri could feel a blush break out over his cheeks over his words, it might have been silly but it felt important

Victor’s surprised look was swept off his face, and replaced with an easy going smile, he took one of Yuuri’s hands that was still grabbing his shoulder, he closed his eyes and brought it up to his mouth, lips brushing the outer sides of Yuuri’s folded fingers. 

There was something so incredibly intimate in the action; it made Yuuri stop for a moment, his entire internal dialogue shutting down to process what exactly was happening.  
Victor looked up from the fingers opening his eyes and smirking “that sounded like a marriage proposal” 

Their eyes met each other’s in a moment of seriousness before a smile broke over Yuuri and Victors faces, that was just like Victor to say 

Yuuri moved back in for another hug, closing his eyes tight, he wanted to stop the world, live in the moment for ever 

“In that case” Victor started “I hope you never retire”

And with those words, the tiny infinity Yuuri created was ripped away from him harshly, like he was being slapped in the face with the universes biggest ‘fuck-you’ his eyes opened and widened filling with tears, how could he tell Victor now, that he wanted this to be his last season as a skater?

Instead he just buried his head in Victors shoulder “Lets win gold together at the Grand Prix Final”

Eventually the monumental moment and passed, and they were aware of the scene they were making in the middle of the airport, and Yuuri was all too aware of Makkachin who had now pressed a paw into Yuuri side desperate for some affection. Yuuri pushed himself away from Victor gently, quickly wiping the tears from behind his glasses and sinking to the floor next to Makkachin running a hand through Makka’s curls and then quickly wrapping an arm around him, really what was with Yuuri and the hugs recently?

“Nice to see you boy” he said into Makkachin’s fur “I’m glad you’re okay” Yuuri picked up both of Makkachin’s paws gently bouncing them in the air as he spoke. Yuuri would be lying if he said he wasn’t as glad to see Makkachin as he was Victor

Speaking of, he glanced up to catch sight of Victor watching the two of them with an overbearing look of pride shining in his eyes; Yuuri set Makka’s paws down and gave him one last pet before standing up and joining Victor

There was another moment, filled with noise and movement from the airport around them, but it almost seemed quiet, it wasn’t tense or suspenseful, it was content, it was caring.  
“You ready to go?” Victor asked 

Yuuri nodded “I need to grab my luggage first” 

Victor nodded “oh yeah” 

They made their way to the baggage claim quickly, at some point their hands brushed and instead of drawing away or ignoring it, Victors hands quickly locked onto Yuuri’s and his fingers entwined with his.  
Yuuri looked over at Victor in surprise, he wasn’t sure what he was expecting to see but the movement was so rash, so sudden. 

Victor didn’t look back at Yuuri, although Yuuri was sure he could see him staring from his peripheral he kept walking eyes focused ahead of them as they walked, not daring to loosen his grasp “is this… okay” Victor asked 

Yuuri felt himself blush deeply, a flush of heat hitting his body, surely making him turn bright red he just nodded fiercely

Victor didn’t respond, he just kept walking. 

Victor who had only been to the airport a few times let Yuuri lead him around, stopping at first to the baggage claim, and conversing quietly with someone in Japanese about which terminal would be dispensing luggage at the moment, all the time not breaking contact with Victor.

Victor no longer held Yuuri’s hand like a lifeline, he held it like it became part of him, like Yuuri was just an extension of Victor and letting go, just meant saying goodbye for a while, before they found each other again. 

Only when Yuuri’s luggage came rolling down the conveyer belt, did they separate, Yuuri picked up his bag and let it roll behind him, as they made their way across the airport and out into the fresh Hasetsu air they piled into a small cab making small talk the entire time. Talking about Makkachin’s procedure, and Yuuri’s performance, which Victor drilled him on, and anything else that might have come up. 

Makkachin sat between Yuuri and Victor (for ultimate petting) which proved to be useful when Victor and Yuuri took turns running their hands through Makkachin’s fur in comforting motions. Eventually though, when their hands bumped, they immediately reconnected and they used Makkachin as a table to hold their entwined fingers. They didn’t say anything, and better yet Yuuri and Victor found that they really didn’t have to. 

Eventually they pulled up the inn, and they separated again, Victor jumped out taking Yuuri’s bag from the trunk while Yuuri payed the cab driver and thanked him for allowing Makkachin in, and then they were back at home. 

Yuuri accepted a hug from his mother and father, and then he and Victor were off to bed. Makkachin decided he was going to sleep with Yuuri for the night and then they had to separate again for the night

Victor’s room was slightly down the hallway from Yuuri’s and there was a moment of understanding that they had to say goodnight, if even for a few hours, the feat seemed nearly impossible. 

“We could always have a slumber party” Victor offered slyly, and although the offer was slowly on its way to becoming an inside joke of theirs, Yuuri wasn’t entirely opposed to the idea. 

Victor just laughed and moved in to Yuuri, for a brief moment Yuuri panicked was Victor about to…

But instead Victor just wrapped his arms around Yuuri, hugging him quickly, barely allowing Yuuri any time to return the hug before letting go and stepping away. 

“Well goodnight Yuuri” Victor said, his voice dropping to a whisper

“Good night, Victor” 

Yuuri watched Victor retreat down the hallway and slide the door to his room open then disappear behind it. As the door slid shut, it left Yuuri in darkness. 

Yuuri felt a ridiculously large smile work its way onto his face, he was tempted to reach a hand up and touch his check for some reason, but Makkachin’s whines brought Yuuri from his thoughts, he quickly opened the door to his room and walked inside, immediately enveloped in the familiarity of his surroundings. 

He dropped the bag to the ground, quickly changing into his night time close and then falling in a lump on his bed, quickly feeling Makkachin wrap himself around Yuuri’s body. Yuuri fondly wrapped an arm around the dog, nuzzling into his heat. 

He had only gone a few minutes without seeing Victor and he was already giddy to see him in the morning again, whatever this feeling was with Victor it was getting dangerously close to love. 

And, if this is what love is, sign Yuuri up. He wanted to bathe in the feeling, it was so pure and fulfilling, Yuuri wanted to feel it every day for the rest of his life, but more importantly, he wanted to spend the rest of his life feeling that with Victor. He wanted to spend his life with Victor, and he was willing to throw away everything else away for that chance, his youth, his days of partying and reckless dating, he was willing to never experience them, if it meant he got to grow old with Victor 

That should be a terrifying realization for Yuuri, but for some reason it was comforting. Yuuri’s always flitted between bouts of unsureness and indecision about everything, and for once in his life he was sure about something, and he was going to hold onto it for all long as humanly possible. 

He let the image of him and Victor, old and grey and thoroughly in love lull him to sleep. 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

The next morning went by in a breeze, Yuuri woke up to a paw in his face, and as he went around preparing himself for another day at the rink, Victor surprised him at breakfast by proposing they take a day off and go down to the beach. Yuuri agreed though, he got to spend more time with Victor and he could do a day without practicing the same routine again and again. Not to mention the last time they skipped practice to go down to the beach was an incredibly fond memory Yuuri held on to. Or course back then he was blithering mess about being in Victor’s presence, he was terrified of everything he said or did, but now he was really looking forward to spending the day with Victor with a new amount of confidence instilled in him. 

“Are you sure you want to leave Makkachin here dear?” Hiroko asked from behind the counter

Yuuri turned to answer her but Victor beat him to it “dah, it would be best to let him rest” 

“Yeah, we think a long walk like what we were prepared for will be a bit too hard on him” Yuuri added

Hiroko nodded, her eyes lingered on Victor who in turn met her eyes

There was a moment of understanding between them and Yuuri felt a little bit confusion as well as mild irritation that his crush (oh god, his crush?!) and his mom already had a silent language they shared, that Yuuri was out of the loop on

The conversation didn’t go well though, Victor averted his eyes quickly, efficiently breaking off their ‘little talk’ and Yuuri’s mom gave him a scathing almost parental look

Yuuri was just left confused

Victor picked up the bag Yuuri had dropped on the ground and gave a large heart shaped smile at Yuuri and Hiroko “well let’s go, I want to see the ocean” 

“Oh okay” Yuuri said shooting his mom a confused glance and letting himself blindly follow Victor out into the world. 

It wasn’t until ten minutes into the walk that Yuuri realized that Victor and him hadn’t shared a word since they left the Inn, which was unusual for Victor who was usually excited about every other thing he came across, going on and on about nothing in particular getting distracted by a different thought in his head and changing subject midway sometimes switching between languages. 

Yuuri could tell Victor was lost somewhere in his mind, even though he couldn’t see his face, he was sure it had that blank look Victor carried when he thought too hard about something. 

Yuuri wanted to catch up next to him, grab his hand like they had yesterday, but the question of their un-identified relationship hung unanswered between them. Was what they had shared yesterday just a lapse of judgment on Victors part? I mean Yuuri knew that Makkachin meant a lot to Victor, and maybe the possibility of losing him was enough to make Victor want to latch onto any human being who could offer him comfort. 

Yuuri let his thoughts distract him into a stupor before he realized that Victor was taking the same path they always took to get to the Ice Palace Hasetsu. 

“Hey Victor?” Yuuri asked catching up to him 

“Yeah?” 

“Why are you walking to the skating rink?” Yuuri felt instant anxiety at the question, was he being too pushy? Annoying? His thoughts immediately cleared when Victor gave him a large goofy smile

“Oh yeah, I must have forgotten, I guess I just got so used to it!” Victor exclaimed

Yuuri felt himself hit with a sincere bout of fondness for the Russian, he smiled gently. 

“But we can go down the beach this way right?” Victor asked, turning to Yuuri

Yuuri nodded “and the ocean is really beautiful from the dock, we can go up there if you want” 

Victor nodded “yes I would like that” 

Yuuri felt the invisible barrier between them shatter, through the disjointed conversation. He was tempted to reach out and grab Victors hand, god he just wanted desperately to be touched by Victor Nikiforov again, Yuuri fought down a blush at the words. 

They came across the fisherman at his usual spot and he waved an arm to greet them 

“Hey Victor!” he called

‘Jeez what am I?’ Yuuri thought to himself

“Dasvadania!” Victor called happily, swinging the basket between his hands he jogged to catch up to him. 

“Out to catch the sun rise?” he asked, diverting his attention from the ocean to Victor and Yuuri who was walking to catch up to them.

“Yes, Yuuri and I thought we should skip practice today and have a beach day” Victor added with a smile to Yuuri”

“Oh, well everyone needs a break every once in a while” he turned to Yuuri nodding almost out of respect “good job by the way” he added in Japanese, making the conversation instantly more private

Yuuri’s eyes narrowed in confusion “sorry, with what?” he asked

“With the competition in Russia, you did good, especially when Victor had to leave for your free skate” 

Yuuri was blindsided, he opened his mouth in shock “oh thank you” he said bowing respectfully “I didn’t think you watched ice skating, or even knew I was a professional skater” 

“Of course I did, I knew who Victor was of course, and you’re Japan’s shining star, you’re hard to miss when there’s posters of you plastered in every square inch of the subway systems”  
Yuuri blushed deeply

“Don’t mean to embarrass you” he added quickly “we are all very proud of you”

Yuuri nodded, still blushing under the praise “thank you very much sir” he said bowing again

The man nodded and then turned to Victor and switched back to English “well I don’t want to keep you from enjoying your day. Have fun now!” the man returned to fishing

Victor who was looking between the two rapidly and thoroughly confused about the exchange nodded vaguely and thanked him. They kept walking and once they were out of hearing distance Victor turned on Yuuri like a doting puppy “what was that about?” 

Yuuri just shrugged, rattled by the moment “he just congratulated me on advancing to the Grand Prix Final” 

“oh okay” Victor said, still brimming with life, they found some steps leading them to the beach and followed them, Yuuri could almost feel his level of giddiness rise in him. He’s always loved this beach, something about it is just so tranquil, so calming. 

Victor immediately places the blanket from the bag over the sand and quickly settles down in it, his feet kicked out in front of him with his hand placed behind him to prop himself up. Yuuri sat down next to him, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his drawn up knees. 

Victor glances over at his position “you look like you did when we first came here” 

Yuuri looks over at him “what do you mean?”

“Well you were so nervous for some reason the last time we came here, it’s like you were scared of me” he says a lilt of humor in his words 

Yuuri paused for a moment to consider his next words “yeah I’m not gonna lie I was pretty terrified- not of you!” he added quickly after Victor looked up at him scandalized “just of… I don’t know what you thought of me I guess, I thought I would scare you away” he confesses 

Victor tilted his head up to the sky and laughed, the pure sound giving Yuuri’s heart palpitations “Yuuri you could never scare me away, honestly I loved it when you would talk to me from your heart”  
Yuuri gave him a questioning glance and Victor quickly elaborated 

“Like when you told me about the thing you did at the beach when you were younger. When you would close your eyes, and you thought the world would stop, the wave would never crash to the beach and the world would be preserved.”

“Oh yeah, I didn’t think you would remember that” Yuuri admitted

“You think I wouldn’t remember it? It’s changed the way I look at the world” Victor said eagerly leaning towards Yuuri desperate for him to understand his honesty. 

Yuuri looked at him endearingly, he semi-consciously leaned towards Victor, their faces only a few inches apart, Yuuri noticed in a moment of mild horror that his eyes traveled down Victors face and stopped at his lips, he watched them separate and emit a high chuckle

The sound tore Yuuri from his thoughts and he leaned back his legs separating as he fell back into a crisscross position watching as wind that rippled from across the waves tossed Victors hair around, his usual fringe shifting to the side, revealing his pale blue eyes. 

Victor picked up a single hand and placed his fingers in his hair, calming it against the wind. 

“Victor…” Yuuri started unsure of how to ask the question

Mmhm? Victor hummed asking Yuuri to continue

“Why did you cut your hair” the words came slowly as if Yuuri was stepping over some kind of invisible boundary and testing the waters

Victor’s face went slack and for a moment he paused before forcing a small laugh “it’s kind of a long story”

“What cutting your hair is a long story?” Yuuri asked teasing

Victor turned to him surprised at the sass “oh okay well I picked up scissors and cut my hair, end of story” he said sassing him right back

Yuuri smiled fondly, he knew all the stories that were passed about in the tabloids some were pretty unreliable. Some magazines stated that he secretly had cancer and his hair was cut short because of chemo, some stated that Victor got some experimental steroid infused gum stuck in his hair and had to cut it off, and some just said he wanted change. Yuuri wanted to know the real reason from Victors mouth.

“Please?” 

They shared a brief pause in which Yuuri thought for a moment that he might have over stepped his boundaries. He was about to apologize when Victor spoke up 

“I’ll tell you but… it’ll stay between us right?” 

Yuuri nodded quickly “of course” 

Victor sighed “Okay then”

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Victor had been crying a lot lately

He was immediately taken in by Yakov and Lilia, legally this time after his father hurt him again, he had posters set up in his room and a deep scratch in the wall from where the blade of his ice skate hit the plaster, his temporary room quickly became permanent.

But Victor couldn’t stop crying, maybe it was because of all the changes in his life, or puberty, or maybe it was because even though he should hate his parents for hurting him he just felt desperate lonely wishing he still had parents to fake hate for normal things. He had Lilia and Yakov of course, they were unbelievably sweet but at age nineteen Victor had noticed the not-so-subtle changes in their attitude

He now sat in the bathroom holding a pair of scissors and crying. He looked at himself in the mirror, fascinated by his red ringed eyes, his eyes became translucent when he cried, the red contrasting with his blue. Now he listening to them yell at each other through the thin walls of the bathroom, he wasn’t even crying because they were fighting with each other, that he was used to. He was crying because he was contemplating doing something drastic. 

Victor who was slowly rising in popularity was announced in last week’s issue of Rising Asian and European Figure Skaters as a ‘world renowned skater, whose crafted style of difficult jumps, intricate footwork, and his unique ability to surprise his audience is almost as signature as Victor’s long silver hair’ 

When Victor read it, he felt elated of course, a deep happiness about his talent and hard work being recognized, but he also felt this desperate want for his parents to be reading it too. He wanted them to know that he did exactly what they didn’t want him to do, he grew out his hair, became an ice skater, and that he was incredible. 

The shock hit him hard, why did he still care about what his parents thought about him? If Victor wanted to leave them behind, he would stop letting them dictate his life.

He looked at his hair differently from then on, he used to wear it as a badge, an identifying mark, he used to spend hours crafting different styles for it, using Lilia’s curling iron to create tiny ringlets of silver hair that would bounce when Victor walked with a prep, he would use multicolored bows to tie his hair up, sometimes in traditional Russian wrap around braids, sometimes in a pile on his head, cascading down the sides of his face. Now, now he viewed his hair as a distraction, it got caught on everything, it had to be washed all the time, Victor couldn’t tell you how many times he would go for a walk and come back with something stuck to the strands in his hair, it had gotten so long, falling to his lower-back, that when Victor got up from sitting or lying down he had to make sure his hair wasn’t trapped underneath him. 

It was inconvenience, but he kept it because, if he cut it, his parents would win. His parents would see clips of him on the news, articles of him in magazines about how Victor Nikiforov the skater with the long hair, has lost his hair, and they would think, they finally won. 

The sound of a door slamming, jarred Victor from his thoughts, his hands gripped tighter on the scissors handles, his eyes flooding and spilled crystal tears down the side of his face. Victor rubbed at them angrily, his skin turning pink in irritation

But a few days ago, Victor started to think, his parents didn’t just want him to cut his hair, they wanted control. If Victor was to keep his hair long, simply because of what his parents would think about him. They still had control. The only way to take their power over him away was by cutting them away from his life, literally and figuratively. 

Victor had been planning this for a few days, but when he heard the sure sounds of an argument upstairs he grabbed a pair of scissors from a drawer and made his way to the bathroom, followed by a doting Makkachin. Of course he hadn’t told Yakov or Lilia, he was sure they would try to stop him, and Victor knew this was something he needed to do for himself. 

Victor took a deep breath and gathered his hair in his hand in a loose ponytail; he sniffed deeply preparing the scissors with one hand and holding them up to his bundle of hair. 

This was it

More tears sprung to Victor’s eyes but he pointedly ignored them, he took one last look of himself in the mirror, closed his eyes and cut.

The sound of hair being sliced was close to his ear, it was satisfying but shocking. He opened his eyes to see clumps of his silver hair falling, sticking to the sink, or falling around his feet. Once the job was done Victor sat with an ear length bob, it was choppy and not very attractive. The sight on any other day would have been jarring enough to make Victor cry again, but instead he just laughed. 

Victor turned on the sink and used his hands to wash away the strands of hair that the water didn’t catch. He watched them float and bob and fall down the drain, and with it, his parents iron clad grip on him disappeared too.

Victor smiled 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Yuuri sat listening in rapt fascination, his head resting on his knees, despite all the new information he now had about Victor, he didn’t see him in any different light, of course Victor didn’t go too much into detail about why his parents no longer had legal custody of him but Yuuri could put together the pieces.

“Wow” He whispered “you just took away all their power”

Victor smiled wistfully “yeah I guess I did”

“Well for what it’s worth, I like your short hair” Yuuri said tilting slightly towards him. To be honest, when Yuuri found out Victor had cut his hair, he had cried for a week, but he did grow into loving his hairstyle now, it was something unique he began to associate with Victor

Victor smiled, the goofiness winning him over again “Why thank you very much Yuuri”

There was a moment of peaceful silence that they let bask over them before Victor spoke again “now you tell me something”

Falling back on himself Yuuri turned to Victor “about what?” he asked

“About yourself, they’re my favorite facts to know” Victor prompted bouncing slightly to show the childlike urgency of the question

Yuuri laughed “um my favorite color is blue” 

“-no, no, no, no, not that kind of information, I want to know something…” Victor paused righting himself slightly and leaning in towards Yuuri “…personal” Victor said

“Like what?” 

“Like…” Victor trailed off thinking for a moment “like I lost my virginity when I was sixteen, in Yakov’s house” 

Yuuri’s laugh was so sudden; it came out before he had a chance to catch his breathe. It was forced from his lungs like the air was knocked from them. 

“What?!” he asked once he got his groundings 

Victor was laughing now too “I know, I know, he wasn’t too happy with me, and 'the talk' was just awful!” 

Oh god of course it was, even the image of a flustered Yakov trying to sit Victor down and give him the sex talk made Yuuri laugh harder.  
“Now you go” 

Yuuri turned to Victor and thought for a moment, he racked his brains for a few moments thinking hard and long about what to say but he came up blank “I- I really don’t know what to say” 

Victor, instead of getting angry, or bored, he just tilted his head slightly as if to think for Yuuri “it can be anything really” 

“Well um…” Yuuri thought of one thing, he wasn’t sure if it was entirely appropriate for this game of truth or truth that Victor wanted to play but it’s all he had and he was panicking “when you kissed me on the ice after my free skate in China…” Yuuri let his voice trail off and he avoided eye contact with Victor

“Yeah?” Victor prompted 

“It was kind of my first kiss” he admitted another blush rising easily to his neck and cheeks

It was like something had changed in Victor, his lack position suddenly straightened “Oh” 

Oh god, did Yuuri do something wrong? He hated when he got too comfortable with someone and he said something weird and scared them off

Yuuri backed off too, leaning away and slipping quickly into the recesses of his mind

The silence between them wasn’t comfortable. It was charged, hyper sensitive, as if any little thing could set it off.

“Yuuri?” Victor asked 

Yuuri grimaced, here it comes

“I’m…” Victor paused for a moment “I’m very sorry if I stole your first kiss without your permission” 

Relief and worry simultaneously flooded Yuuri’s system. He jumped forward desperate to console Victor “no, no, no! Believe me you didn’t steal it from me at all, I mean sure it was sudden and I wasn’t expecting it of course but you didn’t steal it I-” Yuuri cut himself off, hoping what he was about to share wasn’t too personal “I liked it”

The implication of what Yuuri had just said hung between them

Yuuri had blushed enough for the day but he still felt the heat rise to his neck and cheeks he hoped Victor didn’t notice him reddening, but if he did he said nothing, which Yuuri was eternally grateful for.  
Victor could have said anything at that moment, that would have prompted Yuuri to do whatever he asked, he would have kissed him again, proposed, do anything for him if he asked and Victor probably knew it too, so instead he said nothing. 

There was a tense, moment of silence 

“Why?” Victor asked, leaning his head slightly as he stared into the distance

“Why what?” Was Victor asking why Yuuri liked the kiss? Were the feeling really not reciprocated enough for Victor to understand?

“Why have you honestly never been kissed before?” Victor asked staring towards the ocean looking thoroughly confused 

“Oh…” Yuuri paused for a moment, he made a face “I really don’t know, it just kind of happened” Yuuri was still confused over the question, it was kind of like asking why somebody had the eye color they did, sure you could probably blame it on genetics, but Yuuri didn’t think genetics was to blame for his problem 

“I mean like, why have you never been with someone? You’re so adorable and very Eros, I mean sure your hot when skating a purposefully hot routine but I also saw you at the banquet”

“What?” Yuuri asked interrupting Victor

Victor ignored the question and continued, he knew the reason Yuuri hadn’t brought up what happened at the banquet yet was probably because he was incredibly embarrassed about it and Victor didn’t want to be the ass that brought it back up making Yuuri undeniably uncomfortable “I would have thought that someone would have the mind to snatch you up immediately. That’s why I was asking you all those questions about your relationship status when I first came to Hasetsu…” Victor lingered on the last word as if pondering whether or not to add something else. 

“I don’t know honestly, I mean I guess I’m not that good with relationships” Yuuri admitted

“Ah hah! So you have been in a relationship before?” 

Victor leaned forward proudly on the blanket at the revelation, he rocked forward in childlike anticipation

“Well not exactly but I have gone on a few dates” Yuuri was revealing much more than he expected to on this little rendezvous with Victor, but he was glad to offer up his life story, his insecurities, obviously he didn’t want to frighten Victor away but he’s openly sobbed in front of Victor, yelled at him in the midst of mental break down, and Victor wasn’t gone yet. 

“Why didn’t they work out?” Victor asked, he still looked away from Yuuri and towards Hasetsu’s ocean.

“I don’t know I mean I don’t want to date just to date you know? It seems reckless, it seems obsolete, I want to date someone who actually likes me for me, and I want to like them for who they are. I have this philosophy” Yuuri said turning to join Victor and stare out at the ocean, it was easier to say if he wasn’t staring directly at him

“That, if you like someone, really really like them and you think they’re the one, if you can picture yourself being with them for the rest of your life, then they should know all the bad things about you first, all the things that you don’t like about yourself, that might scare them away, or make them angry, or sad.”

The wind died down, letting Yuuri lower his voice “that way, when they know all the worsts things about you, they’ll know if their willing to overlook them and see you for you”

Victor finally pipped up “well don’t you think that your flaws are as much you as the rest of you are?”

“I guess. I mean that’s why they should know them you know, because if they are going to love you, they are also going to have to learn to love your flaws… well maybe not love, but at least accept them.” Yuuri let his voice die out, the sound of the waves crashing against the shore, and the soft cry of seagulls breaking the silence “I guess no one wanted to stick around after they learned my flaws” 

Victor finally turned to look at Yuuri, he had that strained expression again, like he wanted to say something, Yuuri for a second, almost wanted him to, bubble be damned, he wanted something else between them. 

Instead Victor just smiled widely, “whoa, that’s beautiful” 

Yuuri blushed; of course Victor would think that, it was such a Victor thing to say

“You think everything I do is beautiful” Yuuri said smiling averting his gaze to the blanket beneath him and his crossed legs 

“I do”

The response was so intimate, so caringly spoken, it took Yuuri by surprise, he glanced up to see Victor’s pale blue eyes, and for a moment he found himself in another ocean, one so comfortably familiar he was ready to live in it, to get lost and never find his way back. 

Victor very purposefully placed his hand over Yuuri’s that sat between them in a very middle school move of, ‘you can hold my hand if you want to’ Yuuri’s breathe hitched and he could have sworn he saw Victor lean in, by just a fraction of an inch, his grey eyelashes fluttering to a shut over his eyes. Yuuri was drawn once again to stare openly at his. Yuuri leaned in slowly unsure of himself completely

A sound echoed across the beach, it wasn’t quite human, but it was loud

Victor eyes snapped open, a look of confusion hitting him, before the sound came again, this time louder and closer, it was clearer now, a loud bark

“Makkachin?” Victor asked, looking behind Yuuri, his gaze clearly settling on something behind Yuuri

Yuuri had enough insight to tell him to duck out of the way as the large poodle bounced his way across the beach through where Yuuri’s body had been just a few seconds ago to step over Victor and begin to lick him  
“Makkachin” Victor laughed, hands already up to pet him, Victor turned to Yuuri inquisitively “how did he get out?”

Yuuri was wondering the same thing; he heard a loud swear sound in Japanese and Yuuri turned to see both Mari and Minako stumbling across the beach

“Sorry!” Minako called out, “he uh… he got away from us!”

“Yeah sorry about that” Mari called, she held a cigarette between two of her fingers as she followed Minako slowly

Victor stood up, dropping Yuuri’s hand “that’s alright, what are you guys doing out here anyway?” 

“Yeah seriously!” Yuuri mumbled, thoroughly annoyed at their interference

“We just came to… say hello, see if you needed anything” Minako said hurriedly, shoving her phone in the pocket of her coat

Mari finally joined them and took a long drag of her cigarette coming to a rest at Minako’s side “we came to spy on you” she openly confessed

Minako started fuming at Mari who just shrugged her shoulders

“Oh how funny” Victor said “we were just talking, so you didn’t interrupt anything!” Makkachin licked Victors hand, he bent down to scratch his face with both of his hands “and you brought the best dog in the world, so it’s all good!”

‘Not really’ Yuuri thought

Victor started brushing off the sand from his clothes, and he offered Yuuri a hand up. 

“Thanks” Yuuri said, blatantly ignoring the rather suggestive looks he was getting from Minako and his sister

“So what were you boys talking about?” Minako asked 

“Nothing much” Victor answered for the both of them, bending over to fold the blanket “just skating stuff, and the weather, the ocean it’s so beautiful no?” 

Yuuri bit back on his lip hard to hide his smile, what they were talking about was obviously important and private enough for Victor to feel compelled to hide it from anyone else. 

Minako and Mari seemed satisfied with the answer though, they walked with them for a while taking turns holding Makkachin’s leash, occasionally unclipping him so he could run freely around the beach, only after they convinced Victor he was healthy enough to be doing so. 

Yuuri, who was originally annoyed with the prospect of anyone else joining them on Victor and his day out, started to warm up to their presence. He started to enjoy the day, even with Mari, Minako and Makkachin, tagging along. He enjoyed it even more so, when Mari and Minako snapped on Makka’s leash and went ahead, talking amongst themselves leaving Yuuri and Victor to trail behind at their own pace

Victor and Yuuri wandered along the beach, eventually getting distracted and taking a detour towards a cliffy area facing the ocean, Yuuri and Victors hands brushed, and despite not being alone, Yuuri grabbed hold of Victor’s hand, enveloping them both in a comfortable heat. Yuuri knew that all hands, when being held, fit together well, it’s just how things are, but he could have sworn Victor’s hands were made to fit his. Yuuri didn’t know when exactly the Russian had made him into such a sap but somewhere along the ride, he had been turned. Yuuri couldn’t blame Victor, he just held along tighter

Eventually when they reached the cliff, they turned away from the ocean and turned to each other, Yuuri had no idea what they were talking about for the past few hours, but the conversation dwindled down. 

Victor got that look, like he wanted to say something. 

Yuuri watched him for a moment, and then the look was gone, and with it the moment. Yuuri had no idea what Victor was so worried about; he wished he would just come out and say it. 

Victor turned bodily back to the ocean, his eyes wistfully watching the waves. 

Yuuri didn’t question it, he just moved in front of Victor and maneuvered his hands around his chest, he leaned back into Victor and leaned his head back to the crook of Victors shoulder and neck, he didn’t know where the position came from, but they settled into it easily.

He watched the ocean with Victor, he watched each wave swell then break on the rocks and the beach below, he watched the clouds pass across the sun, creating shadows on the earth below, he felt the wind and the air, and the world turn below his feet. 

“It’s beautiful” Yuuri felt himself whisper 

“Yes” Victor said “yes it is” 

Yuuri felt himself hope that just like he, Victor wasn’t referring to the ocean. 

Yuuri leaned back, and closed his eyes

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Later after a dip in the onsen, Victor and Yuuri had a meal home cooked by Toshiya, and after more sneaky eye deals between Victor and Hiroko, they finished their dinner and agreed to meet at seven the next morning to continue practice for Yuuri’s grand prix final

They had a month left until they had to fly out to Barcelona, and they planned on spending every day practicing, and improving his performance, so he could take gold. For a coach Victor was making sure Yuuri was very independent as a skater, Yuuri got used to it. Victor even let Yuuri choreograph some performances himself. 

After dinner they excused themselves and let to their rooms, like yesterday Victor walked Yuuri to his room and hesitated before Yuuri went in and they separated for the night. It was like saying goodbye again, something Yuuri never wanted to do. 

Victor moved closer, lifting his arm over the wall to trap Yuuri in a corner, dropping his voice to a flirtatious whisper “so… Yuuri?” 

Yuuri giggled “yes Victor?” he asked

“Do you… want to have a sleepover?” Yuuri laughed loudly now, turning his face upward, the childish words mixed with the sexual voice was such a juxtaposition and it made him happy

Victor backed off with a smile, dropping his arms; they both knew it was just a joke, but before Victor could wish him goodnight and turn away Yuuri stopped him 

“Actually, yes I would like that” Yuuri said, slightly uncomfortable with the boldness of his words

Victor’s eyes widened, clearly he didn’t fully believe or understand Yuuri “really?” he asked 

“Yeah” 

Victor flung his arms out around Yuuri who quickly returned the hug. “oh we are going to have so much fun, we are going to talk about everything, and I want you to braid my hair, even if it’s not as long as it used to be, and can we bring Makkachin in too and-“ Victor kept rambling and Yuuri just stared on with an overly fond smile on his face. 

Victor ran to his room to gather an armful of blankets and pillows and few trailing behind him as he walked down the hallway. 

Hiroko, drawn in by the noise, peeked her head into the hallway, “hey boys what’s going on” 

Victor with a heart shaped smile and his arm full of blanket fort supplies turned around to face Hiroko “Yuuri and I are having a slumber party” he said giddily

Hiroko smiled her eyes turning towards Yuuri in confusion; Yuuri just blushed and shrugged his shoulders 

“Well that’s nice dear, you two have fun and uh… be safe” 

Yuuri groaned as his mom disappeared around the corner; Victor who clearly didn’t pick up on the connotation behind her words just smiled and pushed his way into Yuuri’s small room collapsing on the floor under his blankets. 

They ended up talking for hours, about everything and nothing, revealing more personal information, Victor talked about his previous relationships and Yuuri talked about the friends he made in Hasetsu and through ice skating. He revealed that he considered Phichit his best friend and that he helped Phichit name all his hamsters which he named after famous ice skaters, he revealed that three of them were named Victor which made Victor laugh so hard that Toshiya knocked on the door asking them to be quieter because it was annoying some of the customers, which just made them laugh harder. 

Eventually half way through the night Victor fell asleep crammed next to Yuuri’s side, breathing deeply as Yuuri wrapped his arms around him. 

Yuuri’s mind was moving too fast for him to sleep, he thought about the day, and what Victor had confessed to Yuuri and vice versa, to the figure looking incredibly small vulnerable, and overwhelmingly beautiful in his arms, wanting desperately to press kisses into his silver hair

Yuuri groaned quietly, not wanting to disturb the sleeping figure in his arms

Oh god, how did he get there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment, kudo's, or come hang with me on tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine or dariarawr  
> comment for the soundtrack of this chapter  
> next update 8/3/17


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Victor, I really didn’t mean it, marriage isn’t all that bad. It’s actually really amazing its domestic, and its sweet, getting to spend each day with the person you love, it’s amazing”
> 
> Victor didn’t feel the tears until he turned to look directly at Chris, and he felt heat spring up behind his eyes
> 
> He didn’t know where the words came from, he didn’t plan them and he didn’t expect them to come tumbling out, but somewhere in his heart he kept a special bond to Chris, a deep trust that only develops after years of close friendship. 
> 
> “Can I tell you something?”

Victor was in a permanent state of confusion since he left Hasetsu

Yuuri was… different somehow

Hiroko was constantly pressuring him to tell Yuuri about his diagnosis, but still hadn’t told Yuuri herself. Mari and Minako would make faces at him over dinner when Yuuri looked away, once Mari cornered him and said something about how he wasn’t ever allowed to hurt Yuuri or she would be after him, most of it just went straight over Victors head. Makkachin preferred sleeping with Yuuri instead of Victor (that is when they didn’t sleep in the same room) Yuuri was growing confident, certain about trying new complicated jumps, carelessly touching Victor whenever he could, not that Victor minded, but it was just so… different.

Not to mention, Victor himself was feeling different, with only seven months to go, he felt this desperate need to cherish everything, he would slow down on walks with Makkachin and smell the sea, continue his long talks with the fisherman, and while Yuuri practiced he would watch with a profound sense of impending sorrow, like he wasn’t sad yet, but he knew he was going to be soon. It’s kind of like reading the first chapter of a book and knowing you’re going to be crying your eyes out by the end, but still reading, except for Victor he actually physically couldn’t put the ‘book’ down because the book was his life, and there is literally no escape from the end of the book this time, or more realistically death. 

Which, with the new found metaphor, was making Victor sad every time he saw a bookstore. Or a book for that matter. 

Victor, obviously didn’t think this plan through, he knew that, but at least he had accounted for nearly every set back, like bad weather, and really good competitors, and even to some extent, Yuuri’s anxiety. But not once, had Victor believed he would ‘catch feelings’ He was sure he might develop a crush on Yuuri, after how he behaved at the banquet, how couldn’t he? But he didn’t expect to feel such a connection between them, and he sure as hell didn’t expect to start feeling sentimental to stupid things like a bed at an inn, or a fisherman, or the walk to Hasetsu’s skating rink. 

And after making sure that Makkachin wouldn’t be getting into any more unsafe food, he and Yuuri said their goodbye’s and boarded the next plane for Barcelona, the location of the Grand Prix Final. Once they settled in, he left Yuuri to sleep off his jet lag and Victor met up with Chris to go swimming in the hotels pool on the roof. The cold water shocked Victor’s system enough to give him another god damn bloody nose which Chris once again helped with, and then they both went down to Victor and Yuuri’s hotel room to interrupt his sleep and rub their freezing bodies over Yuuri’s warm and toasty one.

The next morning it was early practice for all the skaters, and that’s exactly what they did, they practiced for four hours, and when they were all kicked off the ice, instead of saying a normal Yuuri thing like ‘let’s go rest in the hotel room’ or ‘we could grab something to eat’ he said and Victor quotes “don’t you go turning into a model coach on me now. This is my first time in Barcelona, take me sight-seeing” Yuuri added a little angelic smile which had Victor giving in immediately.

God Yuuri had Victor wrapped around his finger, and Victor hated it.

And now, they were wandering their way through Barcelona, Victor using his superior knowledge of French, English, and Russian to get them into awkward conversations, and misunderstandings.

They held hands as they maneuvered their way through the busy streets, taking selfies, and stopping for lunch, and buying as many things as they could. Victor was even feeling sentimental about a city he’s only been to twice before, he wanted to try everything, just like he did in Beijing. Except Yuuri wasn’t trying to stop him, or guide back to the present, he just stood by his side, carrying all the bags, his eye’s shining, looking every which way for something , even if he didn’t know what it was yet. 

Victor just blamed Yuuri’s changed attitude on his anxiety about the Grand Prix. 

Soon enough, there were tons of articles about Otabek Altin (the Kazakhstan competitor at the Grand Prix Final) kidnapping Yurio circling online, filled with tons of photos of Yurio on the back of Otabek’s bike, the only reason Victor was okay with it, was because in the photo’s Yurio was wearing a helmet, and despite Victor limited knowledge of Otabek he trusted him to take care of Yurio. 

Victor knew something was off, the moment Yuuri and he got in a fight over a bag of nuts. The fight wasn’t big, and it wasn’t entirely abnormal, but still something felt off about the whole thing. Yuuri was in the midst of break down about losing a bag of nuts that Victor bought, and Victor who wasn’t all that worried wrote it off as nothing, telling Yuuri not to worry about it, which was a mistake, because if Yuuri felt it mattered, then it should have mattered to Victor, or he should’ve pretended it did, so Yuuri felt valid. 

Or at least that what he repeated to himself silently, as the sky grew dark and Yuuri and Victor walked in silence down the crowded streets. 

Victor hoped Yuuri found what he was looking for; he didn’t want to see Yuuri distracted tomorrow during his short skate if he didn’t find it. 

They made their way to a nearby market, which was decked to the nines in Christmas apparel, Victor stopped at a kiosk to order some hot wine, all the while keeping a close eye on Yuuri who wandered through the crowds haphazardly

They walked side by side, Victor savoring each taste of the drink. 

“Hey you’re birthdays coming up, it’s on Christmas day isn’t it?” Yuuri asked turning to look at him 

Victor grunted a yes, his birthday wasn’t really that important for Victor, I mean Russian’s celebrated birthdays differently, and it’s considered bad luck to celebrate before the actual day of birth, it’s an old Russian superstition that if you celebrate earlier, then the person will die before they reach their birthday. Victor, despite never actually believing in the fable, didn’t even want to risk it with his new diagnosis 

Victor went back for a drink. Hopefully Yuuri didn’t even offer to celebrate his birthday before his birthday actually passed

“I’ll get you a gift when you’re here”

Oh my god

“In Russia we don’t really celebrate before the actual day. And we don’t celebrate Christmas, not like other countries”

Victor noticed the immediate ‘kicked-puppy’ look Yuuri developed, hanging in head, as if ashamed by his lack of knowledge of the Russian culture, which he really shouldn’t because Russia is pretty secretive about their culture

“Oh okay” 

Yikes, this conversation was so stale it made Victor feel cold deep in his stomach. “Would you like to try my hot wine?” Victor offered as some kind of half assed attempt to rekindle conversation

“No, I don’t like to drink before a competition” Yuuri said, an attempt at a light hearted tone of voice shone through

“oh right I forgot” Victor didn’t have to say anything right now, Yuuri wasn’t going to rest until he found what he was looking for, Victor planned on just watching over him, making sure he didn’t get into too much trouble while looking for it. If this was just a natural part of being with Yuuri then Victor was ready to accept it, the stagnant conversations, the awkward silences, everything.

Suddenly Yuuri gasped and took off running towards a store called Maria Dolores; it looked like some kind of jewelry store. He pushed his face up against the glass display window staring at all the intricate necklaces, bracelets, and rings all the while muttering to himself. Victor watched in mild concern before Yuuri threw his head back to Victor and called out “This is it!”

Victors eyes widened, why was he at a jewelry store and yelling at Victor? And why wasn’t Victor saying anything to draw Yuuri out of his crazed state? Why was he just following him numbly through the front doors and into the warmth of the store?

what was happening?

He watched in a swear to god out of body experience, mouth agape, as Yuuri purchased two small golden rings and slid his credit card across the glass counter. 

Victor didn't want to jump to conclusions, but it sure looked like Yuuri was gathering the materials to propose

Yuuri only acknowledged Victor’s existence after the lady behind the counter packaged both rings in a small packaged and gave them both a rather apprehensive but sweet look, Yuuri turned around and gave Victor the biggest, recklessly happy, smile. Instead of explaining his actions he just grabbed Victors hand and took off throwing out a “happy Christmas” in rusty Spanish to the clerk

Victor’s mind had yet to return to his body, and he let himself be dragged out of the Christmas market and behind a pack of carolers to the front of very large and well-lit church. 

Yuuri’s eyes still sparkled, but for a different reason. He was no longer looking for something, instead he was confident, he looked ready, he looked beautiful. 

Yuuri said nothing as he placed his bags on the ground and unboxed the two rings. Yuuri pulled off Victor’s glove carefully, and in concentration he caringly slid one gold ring up Victor’s ring finger, stopping midway, his hand shaking in a barely concealed shiver. Barcelona was freezing towards the end of December; Victor just watched the ring be pushed up his knuckles, still in awe

It was what he imagined when he was a child, holding his pillow up to his face at night, blushing at the prospect of spending the rest of his life with someone who loved him dearly. Sure reality didn’t quite match up with what he imagined as a child, he was dying, and Yuuri might not even be proposing to Victor, and everything was still really confusing to Victor but with Yuuri, he was willing to sacrifice his boy hood dream of a fantastical proposal with singing doves, and shooting stars. This was enough. 

Yuuri finally spoke “thank you Victor, for everything you’ve done” 

This is it, Victor thought

“I wanted to give you something and this is the best thing I could think of… Anyway I’ll do my best from tomorrow on… so um…” Yuuri let his voice trail off; he was getting more and more nervous by the moment “tell me something?” 

And Victor was back in his body, so this wasn’t exactly a proposal but Victor could work with this. He glanced up at Yuuri whose eyes shone, a light blush playing over the top of his nose and cheeks, caringly, oh so caringly, Victor lifted one of Yuuri’s hands 

“okay” he said, his voice hovering in that near whisper, that he preserved only for special moments “I’ll tell you something you won’t even have to think about” ‘I love you’ Victor thought desperately ‘I love you, I love you I love you’ Victor grabbed one ring from the box and pushed it up Yuuri’s bare finger, right now all Yuuri needed was reassurance about his short skate tomorrow “Tomorrow, skate in a way that’s true to yourself. Show me a program that makes you proud”

Yuuri looked up to meet Victor’s eyes, his face brightening when their eye’s met. Victor didn’t even care if Yuuri saw the wells of tears rising to his eyes. 

He felt the world shift again. 

This was sacred, this was holy, this was his religion. 

Victor closed his eyes

They made their way through the crowded streets with their arms around each other, as long as they didn’t let go they would be just fine. 

Victor eventually sent off a brief text to his sister that said something along the lines of “so I think I just got engaged??” in Russian of course, so in case Yuuri or any other non-Russian speaker was snooping, Victor almost immediately felt the sure buzz of his phone receiving a text followed by four more in rapid succession, he only shrugged Yuuri’s questioning look away. 

Eventually they met up with Mari and Minako who were stalking Yurio and Otabek. From the looks of it, based on a nice candle lit table and both parties smiling, a light blush on their cheeks, and talking vigorously, they looked like they were on a date. Victor wouldn’t have any of that; safely kidnapping a fifteen year old was one thing, but going on dates? Victor, being the over protective not really father that he was, had Yuuri text Phichit, and Chris to meet them here, and in good old Victor fashion, he invited himself into their dinner, which elicited quite a few creative swears from Yurio.

Surprisingly, Otabek agreed quickly, and with Otabeks blessing Yurio gave in agreeing to sit outside under a large canopy. Luckily Chris and Phichit weren’t far off and they came in together, talking politely about something or other. In no time, they were settled in a square table, Victor and Yuuri taking one side across from Mari and Minako, and Yurio and Otabek sat across from Chris and Phichit. 

This was rather strange for (almost) all of the competitors in the Grand Prix Final to meet the night before the competition to eat together, and Victor was all too willing to be a part of it, it felt special, like the start of something bigger then him, something better 

After ordering some nice meals for the lot of them, shrimp, a salad, some devil eggs and Italian apple cider for everyone. Victor made sure there was no alcohol for Yuuri or Yurio to ingest, one lost his shit when drunk and the other was underage, and despite being irresponsible himself, Victor was very protective of Yurio, despites Yurio’s intense hatred of Victor.

Eventually, with the food’s arrival, everyone warmed up to each other. Victor noticed with pride that Yuuri was feeling comfortable enough to speak openly, gathering the attention of everyone at the table. Usually he was only really comfortable with talking openly to a few people, usually close friends or family. 

“This is kind of weird huh?” Yuuri asked from behind a glass of apple cider “I mean all of us hanging out together before the competition. It’s a lot different from last year, I was always alone then.”

Victor was deep in mid sip when Yuuri finished his thought 

“At the banquet too, I didn’t even have the courage to talk to Victor”

And with that any and all cider that had made its way into Victors mouth was spewing from it, in an honest to god spit take. He placed his drink firmly on the table and turned to Yuuri, his eyebrows flying up. What? Yuuri ‘didn’t even have the courage to talk to Victor?’ he practically grinded on him half naked, he pole danced, he tangoed and flamencoed his way across the banquet, ingesting more champagne then Victor thought anyone could handle without forgetting the whole… oh

“Are you seriously telling me you don’t remember?” He asked 

Yuuri looked at Victor obviously confused by his outburst

Chris, noticing what was going on added on thankfully “at the banquet you got wasted on champagne and started dancing” he was always one for adding fuel to the fire, and they could already tell this one was going to be a doozy “everyone was watching”

With those words, Yuuri practically deteriorated “wha-”

Everyone at the table broke off their separate conversations and turned to look a Yuuri all with different expressions ranging from confusion, to shock, to disgust, and nearly everything in between. 

“It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. I got dragged into a dance off, it was humiliating” Yurio added on 

“A dance off? You’re kidding... say you’re kidding” 

Victor didn’t know why Yuuri was so embarrassed; the way he moved to the music was the first thing that attracted Victor to him. Victor had to admit, it made a lot more sense to him, it’s why Yuuri was so shocked when seeing Victor. Yuuri acted like it was the first time he saw Victor, when he showed up naked in his onsen, because, at least to Yuuri, it was. 

Chris’s green eyes followed the conversation, god he loved drama “It’s true, I danced with a pole and got naked, well mostly”

Yuuri panicked, clutching his head between his hands in horror “something happens when I drink. I go off the rails just like my dad does and things can get crazy… so I try not to drink too much”

Victor wasn’t sure if he was crushed, or elated. It sucked that Yuuri didn’t remember the night they shared together, but at least it explained his dodgy behavior when Victor first came to Hasetsu. “I still have videos if you want to see” Victor supplied helpfully, pulling up his special folder now entitled ‘Yuuri at the banquet <3’ which was completely separate from his other folder simply entitled ‘Yuuri <3’ 

Everyone else caught on to what was happening and Chris pulled out his phone showing it to Phichit who wasn’t at last year’s final to be able to witness his best friend pole dancing and making a fool of himself “me too! But they’re not for the faint of heart” 

Victor smirked, who would he be if he didn’t take the time to embarrass his fake fiancé? It worked too, after Mari and Minako joined to catch a glimpse of drunken Yuuri he panicked standing up to wave his hands at them in desperation

Otabek leaned over at Victor to glance at the photos that Victor was more than willing to share. He flipped through them almost proudly, was it weird for him to be proud of Yuuri getting so drunk he stripped in the middle of a fancy banquet? Thankfully Victor didn’t care much. 

Thank god for Chris, before Victor could even tell that Yuuri was starting to get uncomfortable to an extreme, Chris jumped in.

“sooo” he drawled “what’s with the rings you boys are wearing?”

Which successfully changed the subject, and got everyone’s attention. Minako asked “since when do you wear jewelry?” Everyone looked up from the phones being passed around the table, to get a glimpse at the rings. 

Victor leaned back in his chair, aware that this involved him as well.

Yuuri half-heartedly tried to cover his ring and ask “what rings? I don’t know what you’re talking about?” which wasn’t exactly a question but the lack of confidence in Yuuri’s voice, made it into one

Victor who wasn’t ashamed and more than ready to show off his technically-good-luck-charms-but-he-was-going-to-keep-referring-to-them-as-engagement-rings, raised his hand “and look they match”  
There was a lull in the conversation as it dawned on them; Phichit was the first to react though. Quickly leaping up and clapping loudly “congratulations on your marriage!” Before any one had a chance to react, Phichit was standing, cupping his hands around his mouth to shout the entire restaurant “Everybody! My good friend here just got married!” 

Yuuri’s attempts to dissuade everyone, was lost as every person who heard the announcement started clapping, calling out their congratulations, wishing them well. 

Victor was going to play this for all he could “Yes, you‘ve got it wrong. This is actually an engagement ring” and because Victor couldn’t help himself he added “we’ll get married when he wins the gold medal” Victor winked and pointed to Yuuri as if excited to see his reaction to quick witted lie. “Right Yuuri?”

Victor watched as Yuuri gradually absorbed Victor’s words, and then slowly, he turned his head to meet everyone’s eyes. The message had the opposite effect, it’s like Victors words had made them that much more determined, Victor could have sworn he heard Yurio choke a little on the air, emitting a high pitched ‘httch’ sound

Yuuri was about to mumble something else, he placed his hands above him in a placating manner before a loud voice hit them all

“You’re kidding me right!? I’ll be the one winning gold and getting married, I hate to break it to you guys!” It was JJ, the Canadian competitor; god Victor hated him with a passion, and he had seen plenty of ice skaters like him, they were so full of themselves before they choked under pressure and completely flopped when it really mattered. Victor didn’t see him as any sort of serious competition

Where did he even come from? He had his fiancé, a short brown haired girl hanging on his side like they were stars in some kind of movie from the 50’s “that’s right, JJ is obviously going to win” she drawled 

“Sorry we can’t congratulate you, I guess the weddings off!” 

They all excused themselves after that. 

Fortunately they all stayed in the same hotel so they made their way up as a group, stopping every once in a while to marvel at the sights, or pose for the occasional selfie initiated by Phichit, the selfie master himself. Mari and Minako eventually parted ways with the rest of the group, they took turns hugging Yuuri and wishing him the best on his short skate tomorrow.

Somewhere along the way Victor and Yuuri’s hands met, and they didn’t even try to ignore the catcalls they got from the rest of the group for it. Victor thought they deserved a break; they just got fake-engaged after all. Otabek was first to depart, he thanked them for the meal and gave a tight nod to Yurio. Yurio followed soon after, leaving at the second floor, he had been quiet ever since they revealed the engagement. Then it was Phichit who wished them all well and thanked them for the gossip and all the selfies that were sure to show up on his Instagram the next day, he hugged Yuuri and told him just how happy he was for him that he got to marry the literal man of his dreams, which Yuuri blushed profusely at. 

Chris was last to leave, he gave Victor a sneaky look and draped his arms around his neck, speaking quietly in his ear “You’ve really got a keeper Victor” he said in stilted Russian. When he withdrew he raised a single eyebrow and said in English “so don’t fuck it up” then the elevator stopped at his door and Chris gave a long effeminate wave at the pair and stepping off dramatically 

Then it was Victor and Yuuri, they both turned to each other expectedly as if waiting for the other to talk, but they didn’t really know about what. 

Victor could feel his heartbeat in his chest

“Vitya?” Yuuri asked

The pet name from Yuuri’s mouth was enough to make his heart beat faster. “Yes?” Victor asked, Yuuri’s eyes dropped to the floor and another blush hit his cheeks

“Why did you tell everyone we’re engaged?”

Oh yeah, Victors heart still pounded but it dropped to his stomach, for a while there he forgot that they weren’t. Victor shrugged “I just figured it might give you an advantage at tomorrow’s performance. Not to mention” Victor added elbowing Yuuri’s side “It’s fun to mess with you”

“Oh” did Yuuri sound disappointed? 

“What do you want to be engaged for real?”

Victor was expecting Yuuri to jump back, like he did the first time they went to the beach and Victor asked if Yuuri wanted him to be his lover, but instead he just shrugged, still not making eye contact with Victor. “I mean it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world”

Victor dropped Yuuri’s hand and turned to him in mock seriousness “give me your ring Yuuri”

“What?” Yuuri asked jumping back in shock 

“I said, give me your ring” He said slowly, forcing himself to remain expressionless. Yuuri nodded slowly, a look falling over his face that made Victors insides hurt; he slid off his new golden ring and placed it in Victors open palm. 

Satisfied with Yuuri’s response Victor prepared himself quickly, shaking his head slightly and then quickly dropping to one knee, making Yuuri’s eyes widen almost comically

“Yuuri Katsuki” Victor said, making his voice turn to honey, he worked hard perfecting that voice “love of my life, and apple of my eye, mate to my soul” Victor’s eyes narrowed at that, was that an actual expression? “Will you do me the honor of being my husband?” Victor hoped the sarcastic voice masked how truthful he was

Yuuri had long since broken into a huge goofy smile at his antics; he took it exactly as Victor wanted him to, as a joke. Then why did it hurt so much?

“oh, Victor Nikiforov, I would be delighted to” he said playing along

Victor feigned surprise, pretending to wipe off tears, as he replaced the ring on Yuuri’s finger.

They hugged as Yuuri laughed out loud, his head rolling to the top of the elevator as Victor snuggled into the crook of his neck, Victor felt a hand atop his head, from Yuuri. He had never seen Yuuri looking so carefree, but in an instant it was gone. Yuuri’s blistering smile was replaced with a thin lipped grimace as if Yuuri was suddenly reminded of something terrible, and then it was gone again replaced with a small endearing smile. 

Victor was once again thoroughly confused, had he done something wrong?

“Are you okay Yuuri?” Victor asked 

“Oh, yeah. I just… I’m happy” Yuuri said, looking deeply in Victors eyes

“So am I” Victor said truthfully “so am I”

They fell asleep on Yuuri’s bed, this time Yuuri was pulled flush against Victor’s chest, Victor risked kissing his temple; he got no overtly negative reaction from Yuuri just a soft content hum. 

Yuuri fell asleep to the steady rise and fall of Victor’s chest, listening to sound of his heart beat, and Victor fell asleep with an arm around Yuuri, the smell of his hair comforting him as he drifted off. 

Their rings shone in the darkness of the hotel room

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

The next morning when Victor woke up, he felt heavy amount of bliss crash into him before he could even recall the events of yesterday. At some point in the night Yuuri had rolled away from Victor, sleeping on a completely different pillow. 

Victor glanced at their rings in happiness, looking fondly at the boy sleeping next to him. 

It was a soft moment. One Victor knew would all too soon become nothing more than a memory, and then would become whatever fond memories became when the person who held them died. They had to go somewhere right?

Then the moment was over, Victor felt a tug at his nose that he associated with bloody nose. Quickly as to not bleed all over the blankets, Victor slipped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, already pinching his nose as he felt the blood release. 

Victor sat on the toilet, closing the door behind him, and holding his nose to the air, quickly grabbing a bundle of toilet paper to stop the flow of blood. Fortunately the bloody nose stopped quickly and it wasn’t followed by its usual migraine. 

The bloody noses were coming more often now, and it cast a pretty dark shadow on the events from the day prior. 

Oh yeah, one more thing Victor hadn’t planned on when leaving Russia to coach Yuuri, was getting fucking engaged! The deeper Victor let himself fall, the harder it was going to be for Yuuri, he had to remind himself. Victor ignored the swell of emotions rising to his chest, as he washed the blood from his face. He calmly dried his face, took a long glance in the mirror and crept silently back into the main room. 

The alarm clock between the two beds read 7:45; the skaters didn’t need to be down until 10:00 for their first warm up practice but there was no way Victor could go back to sleep. 

So he carefully gathered his clothes, and changed in the bathroom nimbly as to not awaken Yuuri, lingering only to brush his teeth and fix his hair. 

Satisfied with his appearance, Victor walked over to where Yuuri was sleeping, sprawled out on his side. He gently pushed back Yuuri’s hair and kissed him on his forehead, before gathering the sheets and tucking them around Yuuri’s sleeping form. This felt good, this felt natural. 

Of course his moment of domestic bliss was ruined when a loud ringing sounded across the hotel room. Victor scrambled towards the bedside table where his phone was charging; quickly he scooped it up glancing quickly at the lit screen. It simply said Saint Petersburg General Hospital with its number listed down below, for a moment Victor froze; just staring at the screen. He hung up once his limbs regained control, but the damage was already done

Yuuri was squirming slightly in his blankets, blinking wearily awake “wha…”

Victor quickly grabbed Yuuri’s hands, sitting on the side of the bed, turned towards Yuuri, he gently shushed him. He needed to sleep for his short skate that day. 

“Go back to sleep Yuuri” Victor whispered

Yuuri willingly obliged, settling back down into the bed, and Victor smiled at the sight. 

Yuuri shuffled rearranging the sheets and blankets around him to get comfortable before gently falling back into a doze, Victor opened Yuuri’s phone to set an alarm. 

He quickly scribbled out a note about meeting him at the rink, along with four hearts, because Victor couldn’t help himself. 

He resisted the urge to kissed Yuuri’s hair again, and then pulled on a scarf and a jacket and from there; Victor made his way down to the hotel lounge, where he ran into no other than Christophe Giacometti himself

Chris he was already sitting at an unsteady table sipping coffee and picking his way through a small bowl of fruit. Victor didn’t even ask, sitting down directly across from Chris and grabbing a small slice of what looked like cantaloupe and plopping it in his mouth. It was awful. 

“Well that’s rude” Chris said pouting 

Victor skipped the teasing and went straight for a cheerful greeting “Hello Chris, why are you up so early?”

Chris just pouted more, using his pointer finger to slide his sunglasses down his nose “my husband snores” he said pointedly

Victor laughed “aww I’m so sorry for the death of your beauty sleep”

“I don’t need sleep to be this beautiful, I’m beautiful no matter what” Chris said sticking his nose in the air, and making Victor smirk. “buuut speaking of husbands…” Chris let the rest of his sentence die out smirking suggestively

With no Yuuri to blush, Victor found himself blushing for the both of them

“Aw look at you, blushing like a teenager!” Chris exclaimed grabbing tight to Victors arms in excitement “he’s really the one isn’t he?!” 

Victor smiled and nodded excitedly “I think so” he admitted. These last few months had been hard because it meant Victor couldn’t gossip with Chris anymore. It was nice just to talk to someone he trusted, wholeheartedly

“sooo are you ready to spend the rest of your life with Yuuri? Grow old with him; have him know all your embarrassing secrets?” Chris teased, but the smile immediately fell off his face when he saw Victor’s expression 

At ‘grow old with him’ reality hit Victor hard. 

Victor wasn’t here to fall in love, and lead someone on, he wasn’t here to get engaged and break his heart in the near future. Victor didn’t want to leave behind a legacy of hurt, he wanted to leave behind a legacy of love, a legacy of hard work and talent, but Victor let himself get distracted. He got distracted by brown eyes, and bold statements that had Victor fall head over heels, and apparently he lost his mind in the process. But with Chris’s words reality came crashing in around him, squeezing him tightly on all sides.

He was going to die in seven months. 

He was going to die in seven months and shatter the ice skaters glass heart, along the way. He faintly recalled Hiroko’s words telling Victor that no matter what Yuuri would want to spend any time he could get with Victor. 

But Victor was confused, and he was angry, and he was devastated

“Hey Victor, I really didn’t mean it, marriage isn’t all that bad. It’s actually really amazing its domestic, and its sweet, getting to spend each day with the person you love, it’s amazing”  
Victor didn’t feel the tears rise to eyes until he turned to look directly at Chris, and he felt the heat spring up. 

He didn’t know where the words came from, he didn’t plan them and he didn’t expect them to come tumbling out, but somewhere in his heart he kept a special bond to Chris, a deep trust that only develops after years of close friendship. 

“Can I tell you something?”

Chris could feel the severity of the situation and he grabbed Victors limp hand, squeezing encouragingly “of course Victor, you can tell me anything”

The words trembled and shivered on their way out “I’m going to die in seven months” 

Chris blanched, pulling back from Victor. He searched his face desperately for any tell-tale sign of a joke or something. 

And then Victor told him everything. 

And when he was done he looked up to see Chris, who sat watching him with a blank expression, barely masking a look of utter betrayal. Victor didn’t miss his dewy eyes, he waited for a response.  
All he got was a nod, a single tear that fought its way out from Chris’s eye, and three words.

“Well that sucks”

Victor didn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t that. 

It was said with a presence of seriousness, but also a feeling of nonchalance, like Chris understood what Victor had told him, and he understood it was serious, understood it was important, but he didn’t look at Victor with pity in his eyes. He didn’t look at him like he was a porcelain doll ready to break at any moment, he treated Victor like he did before he knew, like Victor was still Victor. 

Despite the looming death sentence. 

And Victor couldn’t be more grateful for it.

“does Yuuri know?” Chris said, ignoring his coffee in front of him 

Victor couldn’t help but feel guilty “no, he doesn’t know, I want to spend the rest of my life with him but he doesn’t even know that the rest of my life means the next seven months”  
The realization was hard to swallow 

Chris reached out a hand and grabbed hold of Victors, he squeezed tightly for a moment. 

They sat in silence

Then Christophe stood, Victor following in suite

“You should tell him Victor, he deserves to know. He’s much more than the skater with the glass heart, he’s stronger then that” he said it simply like it was the most obvious thing in the world; It took talking to Chris for Victor to realize it was. 

Chris hugged Victor 

“Thank you for talking with me” Victor said 

Chris smiled, wiping a tear away quickly and sniffing as if trying to be strong for Victor 

“thank you for telling me” Chris said back 

Chris took a deep breathe, and nodded. “I think I would like to go be with my husband if that’s okay” 

Victor nodded, of course it was, he watched him leave his coffee behind, and board the elevators leaving Victor behind. 

Everything was different this early in the morning, his confession made the whole world look brighter almost softer the streets usually alive with the roar of people had lessened to a trickle, venders setting up for the day, people rushing to their early morning jobs, going on jogs, one requesting an autograph, hug, and a picture. Victor usually felt alone, he thought he was stronger for it, but he never truly felt lonely before.  
His phone rang again, ringing about the empty streets, he fished it out of his pocket before glaring at the caller ID. It was the hospital again. They really had to learn to let it go, Victor did. 

He hung up on them, feeling a small head ache make its way to its normal spot behind Victors eye. He closed his eyes for a moment, holding his head in a way to block out the pain quickly before it got too out of control and ruined his day. 

Once the initial spike of pain had passed, and gave way to a dull hammer, Victor continued, eventually finding himself standing on a board walk overlooking a beach that led to an ocean. 

It reminded him of Hasetsu, he wanted to close his eyes and go back to his time on Hasetsu’s beach with Yuuri laughing and holding him close, feeling in all senses of the word alive. 

Victor held out his hand, newly adorned with his golden ring, to try and catch the glare of the rising sun between his fingers, he moved it slightly feeling a sense of serenity carry through on the gentle winds. He had to gather himself before being a coach and kind of fiancé to a very anxious ice skater; he couldn’t afford to let his emotions run rampant, no matter what had happened. Victor took a deep breath. 

A large kick hit Victor squarely in the back, knocking him instantly out of his meditative mood. When he didn’t react immediately the kick came again and again, not even causing him harm, just enough to show displeasure. 

Yurio’s voice sounded behind him “Victor Nikiforov is as good as dead”

Well not yet anyway, Victor tried to control his breathing; he really couldn’t handle Yurio’s behavior right now, finally after collecting himself for a moment he turned around to acknowledge his existence. 

Yurio took this as an opportunity to continue “I don’t see why you’re so happy about babysitting that stupid pig”

That was Yurio’s mistake, Victor was pissed off at Yurio’s intrusion but once he insulted Yuuri some kind of fiercely protective switch flipped in Victor. Victor turned around completely to face Yurio, he planted himself firmly on the sidewalk, before bending his knees, literally dropping to Yurio’s level, he placed his calmest and bitchiest smile on his lips, the kind he learned directly from Lilia.

“Did you want to compete against me?” Victor asked, not above bringing out the ‘I’m the best ice skater in the whole world and I could wipe the ice with you if I wanted to’ status 

“So arrogant” Yurio bite back “you may not realize it Victor, but not all skaters look up to. Just give it up already old man”

Victor’s hand snuck out, clasping Yurio around the chin, this time he rose to his full height, towering above Yurio forcing him to stand on his tiptoes. It was such an awful power play that Victor would later grow to feel bad about, but it worked. Their faces only inches apart as Victor examined him like chopped liver.

The wind picked up, adding a slight whooshing sound to the charged atmosphere

Yurio really didn’t know when to give up and he kept talking “The pig will fail and he will see that the ring you got from him was garbage” Victor smiled turned impossibly colder “I am going to win this I’ll show you just incompetent he is” Yurio muttered, his voice slightly muffled by Victors grip on him 

Victor just gave an unimpressed hmm, if Yurio thinks the only reason he’s with Yuuri is because Victor thinks he win gold, then Yurio has never experienced or understood love. His goal to make Yurio as uncomfortable as possible worked and Yurio batted Victor’s hands away. “Let me go!”

Victor did of course, he wasn’t beyond making Yurio uncomfortable, but everyone had their limits. Yurio took a few steps away from Victor once he was released, and before anyone could say anything else, a dog barked behind Victor. 

He turned subtly to watch a dog trot in front of his owner, probably chasing the gulls. He heard the sure signs of Yurio walking away slowly, and he felt a small amount of guilt at his reaction bubble toward the surface, but Victor ignored it 

Eventually the footsteps stop and Yurio cast over his shoulder, like they hadn’t even gotten in an argument in the first place “this place reminds me of Hasetsu, you know?” 

Victor was brutally reminded of Yurio’s age, his passion, his anger, his desperate need to connect with someone, anyone. 

Victor continued to watch the beach, he imagined the world turning solidly under his feet, the skaters preparing for the women’s grand prix final, Yuuri probably back in bed sleeping soundly, people getting phone calls, and taking pictures, and going on dates and walking their dogs, and the waves crashing on the beach and life going on. 

Victor didn’t close his eyes; he just opened them further, desperate to catch a glimpse of that life swirling around him loudly

Victor smiled 

“I was thinking the same thing”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a relatively short chapter, which will give you a nice break before chapter nine, which is when all kinds of stuff hits the fan. 
> 
> what did you think about the reveal with Chris
> 
> Leave a comment, kudo's, or hang out with me on tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine or dariarawr 
> 
> comment for this chapter's soundtrack (I swear I have one for each chapter)
> 
> next update 8/7/17


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he saw Lilia make her make toward him, Victor just assumed that she was leaving to grab some food, or some kind of torture device to ‘help Yurio’ but instead she stopped directly in front of Victor and smiled, a withheld almost bitter sweet smile. 
> 
> She pulled him into a tight hug, holding him at arm’s length once they got out of it
> 
> “You will come with me to get food” she ordered in Russian 
> 
> Victor still dazed, smiled weakly “dah”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> strap in kiddo's this chapters the biggest of this entire fanfic, one word shy of 10,500
> 
> enjoy....

Victor should probably confess something now, he never expected Yuuri to win gold. Not at first at least, Yuuri was capable of it of course, Victor has seen Yuuri in practice, nailing quads and moving to the music enrapturing his audience. Victor has seen how Yuuri reacts when he flubs a jump or occasionally a spin, or when his boots knock together messily when practicing his footwork. Victor knew Yuuri took it personally, but he also knew it took it in stride. One of the very important reasons Victor chose to coach Yuuri instead of any other talented skater like Yurio, or JJ was because of his previous failures, he knew how to fail and he knew how to learn from it, grow from it, and work tirelessly over and over again to get it right. 

Yes Yuuri competed in last year’s Grand Prix Final, and yes he came in last place, but Victor had witnessed just how much he had changed in this last year, for Yuuri this was the first time he was competing for real, which meant simply Yuuri wasn’t finishing first

The first time Victor competed in the Olympics he came in fourth place, just a few points away from being on the podium, it was still a huge achievement of course, but Victor was disappointed in himself, until Yakov pulled him aside and told him what he now knows, no ice skater wins gold their first time in any big competition. The second time Victor competed in the Olympics he placed first and wore his giant gold medal around his neck boldly, accepting the praise and the spotlight everyone offered him kindly, he had been trained how to accept the fame just as much as he had been trained to ice skate. The same thing happened for him in the Grand Prix Final coming in second and then first his next time, it was something he was used to.

So no, Victor wasn’t expecting Yuuri to carry through, he was expecting a few mistakes that would cost him the gold, but Victor thought that still Yuuri not winning Gold would give him the needed motivation to continue fighting, to go back again and again and again even after Victor was gone to keep winning gold medals and keep skating. 

That’s why Victor was sitting in their hotel room letting tears drop from his nose onto his bare feet, as he listened to Yuuri explain himself. 

‘Let’s end this’ 

Apparently it had been a long time coming, Yuuri was going to retire two years ago but when Victor came to coach him he decided to go for one more year. 

‘Let’s end this’

Yuuri, who despite flubbing a jump during his free skate, was still positive he was going to win gold. Yuuri, who held Victor in an airport and begged him to be his coach until he retired, Yuuri, who spent hours with Victor at the beach looking into the beach and confessing secrets. Yuuri, who skated with love and passion, until it seeped into the ice he stepped on, and the air he breathed, and the hearts of anyone who dared to watch. Yuuri, who was going to keep skating, and keeping winning, carrying on Victor’s legacy, was quitting. 

‘Let’s end this’ 

And Victor couldn’t fucking breathe

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Everything went just as well as Victor expected during the day.

Yuuri had gone first, Victor quietly kissed Yuuri’s ring before he began and he watched him with pride throughout the entire program. And Yuuri did amazing, of course he flubbed his quad flip, touching down with one hand, but he had enough rotations for it to be counted as one. As Victor said, an accident was to be expected. What wasn’t expected was the way Yuuri carried himself through the free skate, he screamed Eros as always but he also looked almost angry during it. Afterwards in the kiss and cry they got a score of 97.83, which was great, but Yuuri didn’t break the hundreds like he was hoping for. 

JJ, the pompous Canadian competitor, had crumbled under the pressure and all his quads he had planned turned into doubles and singles. Chris did well, despite an over rotation in his last jump, Otabek mastered all of his jumps surprising everyone, and Phichit had the whole rink singing along with his performance.

One particularly surprising thing had happened that day, and it happened with Yurio. 

It happened during Yurio’s free skate, the one Victor had choreographed for him all those months ago. 

Yurio beat the world record set by Victor himself. 

That wasn’t the surprise though, Victor knew he had set the world record scores for both the short and free skate, and he knew that eventually they would be beaten like all world records are.

The surprise was how much Yurio had changed, how he stepped onto the ice as a different person. Victor could smell it on him from a mile away. He watched intently from the sidelines leaving Yuuri to talk to some reporters about his performance. 

Victor knew what was different about him, he left that mornings encounter with a new thirst to prove himself to Victor. That’s not all though, it was something about the experiences he shared, with Victor, and Yuuri, and he was sure living with Yakov and Lilia helped. Even his time spent with Otabek gave him a better understanding of the way the world worked, a better grasp at the world, at love through an agape point of view. 

While watching him, for just a moment, he could have sworn he saw himself. 

Then it was gone, replaced with the tiny, fifteen year old, Yurio 

And then Yuuri was calling for him, and Victor didn’t want to look away. 

Sure Victor would have liked someone to break his world record only after he had died, but this was almost comforting, knowing that Yuuri would actually have some competition when he was gone. 

It got boring, with no one to really really compete against. 

He was hopeful that Yuuri would never get bored during his time competing, boredom can kill a figure skaters career as well as any injury. 

So the day went as Victor planned 

All the way up until the end. 

When Victor and Yuuri got into their hotel room, Victor was already undressing for a shower when Yuuri cleared his throat uncomfortably

“Oh sorry”

Victor turned around, dropping his jacket on the bed “what?

“No I just- I was…” Yuuri stammered

Victor smiled warmly “I don’t know what you’re talking about”

“I just wanted to talk about something, but its fine you can take a shower”

Victor raised an eyebrow “we can talk about whatever you want to talk about now if you want”

Yuuri cleared his throat again “no it’s fine, we can talk afterward” 

“Okay if you’re sure” and with that cryptic response Victor left Yuuri to his own devices and entered the bathroom, peeling off his clothes to jump in the shower 

Victor pushed away whatever Yuuri was talking about in his mind; he didn’t need to worry about something he was going to find out soon enough. Victor sighed as the water hit his muscles. He’s noticed that with taking the past season off, his body has been doing much better. Sure he was on the ice every day with Yuuri to help him with his routine, and would stay back or show up early to go through a few of his old programs usually Once Upon a December or Stay Close to Me, but without being drilled by Yakov to stay on the ice, and without having to push himself in practice, or on competitions, he stopped developing callouses on his feet, and his joints were doing much better. 

Skating always made Victor feel young, but the aftermath made him feel incredibly old. 

I guess Victor should savor that feeling now, since he won’t get to experience it again. 

The thought was unpleasant, but Victor supposed he had to face it sooner or later, he thought about Hiroko’s words, telling him that Yuuri wouldn’t be angry at Victor, he wouldn’t be hurt, he would be accepting and supporting and spend every last moment of Victor life by his side. Victor wanted it too, ideally he wanted a long healthy life with Yuuri, ice skating, and joking, and visiting the beach together, he wanted to be with him forever but real life is never as kind. 

So he would take what he was given, Victor wanted to spend the last months of his life with Yuuri.

But that meant he had to tell Yuuri. 

Victor shifted under the water pressure. Okay but how?

Victor supposed he could just come out and tell him, he could tell him tonight if he wanted but Yuuri had to skate with all the love he could muster to do his best tomorrow, and a death sentence tends to put a damper on love. So he should wait until the competition was over, and they were back home at Hasetsu… 

Victor didn’t know when he started calling Hasetsu home

He had to sit him down somewhere, and just tell him like it was, but he had to be prepared for anything, any kind of reaction. As much as Victor wanted to take him to a restaurant so that Yuuri couldn’t make too big of a deal of it, he also knew it was a cheap trick, Yuuri deserved to have the feelings he did, and he should be allowed the express them in any way he wanted to, so it had to be somewhere private.

Victor decided he would tell him at the Inn, talk to Hiroko first to make sure they weren’t interrupted, and then he would just talk to him. 

With that plan sealed in his mind Victor nodded once soundly. The resolute plan helped steady him, it made him feel almost comfortable. 

Victor washed the soapsuds out of his hair and left the shower, wrapping himself in one of the hotel robes. Usually Victor would style and dry his hair before he left the bathroom but with Yuuri waiting to ‘talk to him’ about something Victor grabbed a towel to dry his hair on the way.

When Victor entered the bedroom area, Yuuri was scrolling through Instagram mindlessly, that was a good sign. He wasn’t nervously wringing his hands, or muttering to himself, he seemed laid back, and that meant whatever Yuuri was going to tell him wasn’t astronomical, or life changing. It was probably just something about his skating routine tomorrow; maybe he wanted to change a jump combination or something. 

“hey Yuuri!” 

“oh, hey Victor, did you enjoy your shower?” Yuuri asked politely

“yes always!” 

Victor sat on the seat next to a window that overlooked the city, and began drying his hair. At least everything felt comfortable

“That’s interesting” Yuuri noted looking at his phone “looks like Minako’s at a bar with Celestino” 

Victor remembered the night they had eaten diner with Celestino in Beijing, he was so much fun to hang out with but he got a bit wild when drunk. Victor only remembered roughly half of that night, and what he could recall was comprised of Celestino getting into a not so friendly drinking competition together. 

“wow” Victor said “we better stay away from that place” Victor took the towel from his hair “well anyway what’s up? You said you wanted to talk so...” 

Yuuri looked up from his phone with a politeness behind his eyes “right” Victor watched Yuuri’s hand clench and his face was set in determination

“After the final, let’s end this”

And the breathe was taken from Victors lungs, and the floor swept out from under his feet 

“What?”

“You’ve already done more than enough for me” Yuuri said, his voice was resigned, almost pained but still had this forced aspect to it, like injected kindness. 

Victor didn’t understand, was Yuuri breaking up with him? Was this is things usually worked? Why was he being so kind?

He could feel heat rush to his eyes

“More then I could’ve dreamed of.” Yuuri continued 

“My final season was my best one yet and it was because of you” so he was… he was retiring. He was retiring. He was retiring, and Victor was dying, and the world was breaking in two. 

Before Victor fell in love with Yuuri, all he wanted was for someone to carry on the legacy Victor had created for himself on the ice, and he knew the only person capable of doing that was Yuuri Katsuki. He knew it from the moment he saw him online skating to Victors free skate Stay Close to Me. He knew it from the moment he followed him to the ice rink, and watching him skate out of nervousness. He knew it every step of the way, each time Yuuri fell down, or missed a cue, and he felt some amount of confidence, some amount of security in his own death, knowing that even when he was long gone, his skating would grow and flourish. But now, now Yuuri Katsuki was ensuring that Victor Nikiforov died, and stayed dead

To add insult, to injury Yuuri bowed deeply. He did the same when he talked to the fisherman, and when he talked to Celestino, and to anyone else Yuuri respected. Because that’s all that Victor was too him, someone he respected

“Thank you for everything so much.” He said 

“Thank you for being my coach”

Victor thinks that was what hurt the most, if you asked who Yuuri was to Victor he would bring you a long list. He was someone that Victor was training, he was an ice skater, he was his fiancé, and the first person Victor Nikiforov fell in love with. 

But to Yuuri, Victor is simply his coach. 

With that, the floodgates opened, Victors tears spilled greedily over his eyes and hit his bare feet, he didn’t even try to hide them from Yuuri, he wasn’t ashamed. 

“Victor?” Yuuri asked finally looking up from the ground to his face

“Dammit” Victor finally spoke, trying to rile his emotions back. He had been hurt before, he could do this. “That’s disappointing. I didn’t expect this from you of all people” Victor said. He didn’t really mean to keep talking, but he did “something so selfish”

Yuuri’s voice came quieter this time, but subtly more determined “selfish or not. It’s my decision.”

Victor felt the finality in his voice. 

“I’m retiring” Yuuri said 

Victor cried noticeably harder at that. It really was true; Victor’s death became so much more real. It was really happening. Then Yuuri lifted a single hand to move away Victor’s fringe so he could see his face better. 

Why the hell did Yuuri want to see Victors face? He acted like he had never seen Victor cry before, acted like he didn’t even know it was possible.

“Yes Yuuri what are you looking at?” Victor asked bitterly. 

“I’m just surprised to see you cry”

Victor felt himself lose the tight grip on his emotions; he turned his face and blushed deeply, this time raising his voice “I’m mad okay! What should I do?” the light made Yuuri’s ring shine, Victor wondered what the rings meant to Yuuri. In anger he shoved Yuuri’s hand away from his face. 

“You’re the one who said it was only until the Grand Prix Final” Yuuri sad

Victor racked his brains, when did he say that? “I thought you would eventually decide you wanted my help for longer than that” Victor said 

Yuuri lowered his voice “It’s okay, you don’t have to worry about me

What?

“This was you can make your come back an-”

Victor heard enough, he could never forgive himself if he found out, that he was the reason that Yuuri was retiring 

“Stop I don’t want to hear it!” Victor shouted “how can you tell me to return to the ice when you’re retiring!” Victor stood up grabbing a hold of Yuuri’s shoulders

Victor stared into Yuuri’s eyes desperate to get him to understand. Yuuri needed to keep skating, and if Victor could change that, then he was willing to do anything he could. He stood over Yuuri who was still sitting on the side of his bed; they looked up their eyes maintaining eye contact for what felt like a century before almost guiltily Yuuri dropped his eyes

“I’m sorry.” 

Victor removed his hands from Yuuri’s shoulder, and folded them over his chest in a classic mummy pose, his hand clutching into his bare skin and his robe, as if to comfort himself.

“I won’t let myself ruin your skating career” Yuuri added

‘You’re my skating career’ Victor thought ‘you are’ Instead he just sat down on the bed opposite Yuuri’s facing the wall. Victor felt something die inside him

“How about we both make our own decisions after the free skate tomorrow?” Yuuri offered

“Fine” 

Victor felt empty, almost numb from the fight they had. He picked himself off the bed, and rummaged around in his bags quickly grabbing a pair of pajama’s and leaving to change in the bathroom, he went through the process robotically, and when he entered back in the room Yuuri had already changed into his sleeping clothes and was settled on the bed across from Victors, he kept his head bowed. 

He looked like he wanted to say more, apologize again, or offer an excuse, Victor just turned away from him tucking himself under a layer of blankets, and turned off the light on his side, essentially cutting off any and all conversation. 

There was some shuffling behind him and the light clicked off, casting Victor and Yuuri into darkness. 

The night was long, and awkward. Neither one spoke pretending not to notice that the other person wasn’t asleep. Eventually the pair of them drifted off, into a restless and uneasy sleep. 

The next morning, they dressed and spoke awkwardly in disjointed conversations. The whole thing felt wrong, it made Yuuri itch. 

They made it to the ice for the public practice, but everyone noticed from a far how stale the chemistry between them was. Thankfully JJ was nearing a meltdown during the practice so most of their attention was split between him and focusing attention on their own routines. 

Victor noticed, with no small amount of panic that Yuuri was flubbing a few jumps, and when they ran through his routine, he seemed robotic, and cold. 

Chris saddled his way over to Victor settling an elbow on his shoulder, and leaning his weight on it. “You’re boy’s not doing so hot, is there trouble in paradise?” he asked, clearly unaware of how much Victor was really not in the mood. 

Victor moved his shoulder, making Chris slip off “No everything fine Chris” he said too quickly

Chris immediately picked up on Victor’s attitude and backed off slightly

Victor watched Yuuri finish his program, his eyes narrowed. He seemed so angry, almost tired, like he was drained of all emotions, Victor was all too aware of how that felt, he wanted to do something but really what could he do? 

He was just as emotionally drained as Yuuri was, and Yuuri was so utterly confusing to Victor that sometimes that he no longer had any idea about what to do to help him. 

Yuuri stopped to take a swig from his water bottle before practicing his quad toe loop again, and again after that once his first one turned into a double. 

Victor watched him go about the ice going over different aspects of his program, especially the things he was concerned about, mostly his jumps. Victor eventually lost himself in thought, mind rushing with ideas of how to keep Yuuri from retiring, the biggest thing Yuuri was focused on was Victor’s skating career. Victor absentmindedly scratched his nose when it began to itch. So if Yuuri knew that Victor wasn’t going to be competing anymore for more reasons than just coaching Yuuri maybe he would feel better about continuing skating. But Victor’s already tried telling Yuuri that, he’s tried reasoning with him, and it hasn’t gotten him anywhere. 

Victor ignored a sharp pang from behind his eye. Maybe the only way to convince Yuuri to continue skating was if he pretending he was going to come back, maybe it would make Yuuri feel less guilty about making Victor stop his career to help his. 

God the headache was getting bad, it was weird for a headache to form right now, they usually only showed up after a bloody nose…

The thought had barely appeared in Victor’s head when he heard a loud gasp. Victor looked up, to see that most of the skater’s attention was on him, he glanced around wildly at first, making sure something wasn’t going on behind him, before he knowingly brought two fingers up to his nose. They came away red. 

Shit.

Victor eyed the Makkachin tissue box he had specially made; it was all the way across the rink, he swore, trying to cover his face to maintain dignity. He stated to make his way around the rink, but before he could Yuuri was there and back, taking a short cut by gliding across the ice, he handed the tissue box to Victor silently, and he gratefully took a hand full, wiping of the blood that had thankfully not dried on his skin. 

“Thank you” Victor whispered

Yuuri just nodded, and then skated away off to practice for a while longer. 

With that, each skaters coach barked orders at them to get back to work, and the tension filled moment was gone, leaving Victor feeling vulnerable and incredibly annoyed. 

The annoyance only increased when he spotted Yurio staring at him more than a few times. What was it with people staring at him today? Most days Victor would be more then glad to accept the attention, but right now he just wanted to be a wallflower, he wanted to blend in, and be thoroughly ignored. 

When he saw Lilia make her make toward him, Victor just assumed that she was leaving to grab some food, or some kind of torture device to ‘help Yurio’ but instead she stopped directly in front of Victor and smiled, a withheld almost bitter sweet smile. 

She pulled him into a tight hug, holding him at arm’s length once they got out of it

“You will come with me to get food” she ordered in Russian 

Victor still dazed, smiled weakly “dah”

There was small café in the building, only a few hallways down from the rink. Victor ordered a chocolate muffin and black drip coffee, and Lilia ordered a decaf coffee with soy. Her usual, they sat across from each other in a small table, in silence at first. 

Victor snuck glances at her from behind his coffee. She had changed over the years, once her divorce with Yakov went through, she moved out, taking her curling iron, and Victors sense of home with her. She still looked the same but subtle things had changed about her. She had the same high cheekbones,, but she had changed her normal color of blush, same long black hair but she kept it in a tighter higher bun then he remembered, same unforgiving eyes, but now they contained some kind of sadness. Victor could easily guess what it was caused by. 

“Yakov told you” Victor guessed clearing his throat

“Of course” she said pointedly

“He really had no right to”

“That’s bullshit Victor and you know it” she said loudly

That surprised Victor enough to look up, the last time he heard Lilia swear was when she got in a nasty fight with Yakov, whenever Victor would use cuss, she would gasp disappointedly and tell him to ‘never use unattractive words’

“No I don’t think I do” he challenged 

Their eye’s met; the stereotype about hard-headed-Russians was more than true. And Victor was more than ready to corroborate it. The only person Victor had met that was more stubborn then him was Lilia, and Yakov had said more than once that he was terrified to see them get into a serious fight, which, thankfully only happened once when Victor snuck out to visit a crush at the time, and scared the ever living crap out of Yakov and Lilia. Still, every trick in Victors book about remaining cool suave and utterly bitchy had come from Lilia herself. 

They stayed like that for a couple moments, trying to stare one another down before Victor broke, unable to take her stare for too long. 

With that Lilia relaxed too, taking a sip of her coffee. She finally spoke again “you haven’t changed Victor”

“Is that a good thing?” 

“I’ll never know with you” Lilia revealed a small smile that Victor quickly absorbed 

Lilia started talking again “I never wanted children.” 

The non-sequitur surprised Victor but he tried not to let it show on his face

“my parents were old fashioned, rather like yours, and they thought I was ridiculous for not wanting marriage and children, like a normal girl should” she hid all her emotions very well, appearing calm and collected as she spoke

“Even as I grew older, joined the Russian ballet, met Yakov, met you I still never wanted kids, it shocked Yakov and my parents and even my ballet instructors, they just couldn’t understand why it’s something I would choose, they all would tell me that I would grow up and change my mind, or that I would regret it when I was older, but here I am older, and do you know what I can’t figure out Vitya?”

Victor shook his head 

“I can’t hear you” she said 

“No”

“I can’t figure out how, no matter what I did, and how much I said I didn’t want one, I still ended up with a child of my own” 

For a brief second Victor was thrown for a loop, did Lilia have a child? Was it with Yakov or? 

And then Lilia looked up, and her sad eyes met Victors, and he understood. 

It’s all it took for him to break down, tears were streaming from his eyes before he could stop them, and he was lunging across the table to hug Lilia, and she just hugged him back fiercely. 

Victor let himself close his eyes, and revel in the feeling for a moment

When they separated Victor noticed the small tears that had made their way into her eyes, she swept away one on her finger 

“So no Vitya, I don’t regret not having a child, because I guess I had one anyway. And I couldn’t live with myself if that child never knew just how much better my life has been with him in it”

There was brief pause as Victor collected his words, deciding to just go with his gut instinct “I never thanked you and Yakov for taking me in before, and I’m sorry about that”

“Nothing you need to worry about now” she said with a tight lipped smile. She stopped for a moment to ponder her next few words “Yakov… he misses you” 

Victor was about to protest but spoke over him 

“He is a stubborn old man, and he’s angry you wouldn’t spend your last years with him, but that’s because he’s protective, he wants his boy with him at home, not going half way across the world to quit his skating career and coach. It makes him feel powerless and unimportant in your eyes, which is the most important opinion to him, he won’t admit it, but he truly cares for you.” She said. 

“I’ve tried talking to him” Victor said, mulling over her words 

“It won’t do any good to talk, you need to apologize”

The idea of apologizing to anyone, especially Yakov, made Victor’s skin crawl. 

“Just mull it over” Lilia said noticing his discomfort

Victor nodded; they drank their coffee in silence

“How much longer do you have?” she asked 

Victor knew this was coming up, he knew they had to talk eventually he just wished it could wait a little longer. 

“The doctors don’t know for sure but, sevenish months” Victor guessed himself

Lilia took a long deep breathe, biting her trembling lip for a moment before nodding her head “and we can be there with you in the end?” 

“Of course”

Lilia’s hand hovered slightly over Victor, as if hesitant to touch, before she gently pushed Victor’s fringe out of his face, his other bright blue eye showing. She smiled bitterly, and then dropped her hands and the smile and gathered her coffee in her hands

“You and Yuuri” she said

“Yes?”

“Does Yuuri know?” she asked, sounding annoyed that she had to elaborate

Again with that question “why would I tell him, he’s just my student” Victor said desperate to sound nonchalant

“Lies are a very unappealing feature Vitya” she said simply

Victor blankly stared at her “he’s retiring” 

Lilia’s face broke with sympathy “oh Vitya” 

“And he won’t win gold because I’m pretty sure that will go to Yurio-”

Lilia’s shot him a confused look at Yuri’s nickname 

“Yuri,” Victor quickly amended “Yuuri’s sister called him Yurio to differentiate between the two, and it kind of stuck” 

Lilia nodded 

“And he won’t continue, he won’t carry on my legacy, and I got angry at him, and now I haven’t just lost my skating career but also Yuuri” 

Lilia gave him a look Victor couldn’t quite decipher “do you know why he is quitting?” she asked

“He thinks that my coaching him, is making me not compete, he thinks he’s destroying my life as a skater by continuing to skate” 

“And you’re not going to tell him that you are…” the word died on her mouth like poison 

“No”

Lilia’s eye’s narrowed “well then the answer is simple Vitya” she took a drag of her coffee before continuing “you have to tell him you’re coming back, erase his guilt, while getting him addicted to competing, and winning”

“He’s not going to win gold Lilia” Victor said 

“I didn’t say he had to win gold” she said. Then she cleared her throat and stood, giving Victor one last fond look “we should head back”

Victor nodded, grabbed his coffee and the last remnants of his muffin and let himself walk with her in companionable silence. 

When they entered back in the ice, Yuuri gave him a questioning look, and Yurio was staring at him openly this time, standing in the middle of the rink ignoring Phichit who skated a few feet away from him as he went through his foot work

Lilia immediately snapped at Yurio “Yuri! Again!” 

Yurio grumbled but obliged, it seemed like the only person crazy enough to go head to head with Lilia was Victor himself, and strangely, it made him proud

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Yuuri never could have imagined that this was his life

As a child, he used to post pictures of Victor on the walls of his room, when he went to college he did the same, no matter where he was in his life Victor was always there. 

Smiling from behind a filter and a flower crown, or mid spin, his hair curled around his face. Victor was there

But now, he’s actually here. 

No longer smiling from a poster on Yuuri’s wall, no longer a part of Yuuri’s imagination

He’s actually here. Victor Nikiforov is in Yuuri’s life, holding his hand, and saying Yuuri’s name just so, and wearing a gold ring around his finger displaying his love for all to see, bravely as if proud of their bond.  
Victor Nikiforov was Yuuri’s fiancé

And nothing should have been able to take that joy away from Yuuri, but… for some reason each time he saw Victor’s face, he felt guilty. 

It took some time for Yuuri to sort through his feelings, to spend some time alone and think about what that guilt meant and where it came from. 

It took some time but Yuuri eventually found out, it was because each time Victor was inspiring him, and surprising him, he was skating. Yuuri was certain Victor’s entire life revolved around his dog, and his skating, and Yuuri took one of those things away from him, and his family almost took the other. 

Yuuri didn’t want to take away such an amazing skater from the game, and he knew that no matter how much he loved every second spent with Victor, that second was also spent taking Victor away from what he loved. This was bigger than him, bigger than Yuuri’s want to be close to Victor, Victor’s life, and his ability to skate, was bigger than Yuuri ever would be, and he was okay with that. 

So he just had to retire, he had to. Because then Victor could continue skating, and continue to shock and amaze anyone who watched, and hopefully Yuuri could stay with him through it all, come to all his competitions, all of his performance, and greet him at the kiss and cry, and spend his life loyally by his side, but Victor didn’t see it that way

And Yuuri felt awful

He knew what he was doing was important, and that he needed to stand his ground, but he wanted nothing more than to agree not to retire and have Victor hold him again. 

The day went by awkwardly, and incredibly uncomfortably, after the morning practice, and another one of Victor’s bloody noses, the last day of the Grand Prix Final began.  
When Yuuri was up, he didn’t know what to feel, he was just consumed with this duty to help Victor, even if Victor didn’t know it. 

It was up to Yuuri, and Yuuri alone to help Victor. 

Yuuri was doing a few last minute stretches, against the side boards when Victor bent down and said with the kindest and most encouraging voice Yuuri heard him use all day. 

It made him sad 

“Don’t worry you can still win gold just skate your best” Victor said 

Victor hands came down on Yuuri’s he could feel the ring press against the back of his hand 

“Believe in yourself” Victor said 

The change from the cold indifference Victor was projecting all day didn’t startle Yuuri. He was used to this kind of contrast, more than that Yuuri was used to Victor’s mask. He wore it with so much confidence, that most people would just assume it’s who he was. A confident, slightly ditzy, and very attractive person, but Yuuri knew there was more, since he met him (when he could remember at least) he knew he was hiding behind it. 

Their first time exploring Hasetsu’s beach together Victor asked Yuuri who he wanted Victor to be to him, he gave him a list or brothers and friends, and coaches, and even lovers, but they all made him sad. Sad that Victor was willing to change himself to be something Yuuri wanted. 

Instead Yuuri just told him the truth, and he wanted to do it again now

“hey Victor” Yuuri said his head still downcast, he was afraid if he made eye contact with Victor he would start crying “I told you before, all I want is for you to be who you are” it was the plainest truth Yuuri could give him. 

“So don’t suddenly start trying to sound like a coach now” he felt the harshness behind his words, and moved his hands so they held onto Victors. 

“I want to smile for the last time on the ice” Yuuri said truthfully

Phichits score was broadcasted loudly over the rink and he felt the moment coming to an end, a sense of urgency shot through both of them, in less than a minute Yuuri had to be on the ice to perform his last free skate, and this would be over. 

They had to do this, and they had to do this quickly. 

Yuuri felt Victor lean in closely “Yuuri listen to me” 

There, that sounded real, Yuuri opened his eyes slowly, blinking into awareness 

“I debated where I should say this to you now but…” Victor paused “I took a break after becoming a five time world champion to coach you. So how is it possible that you still haven’t won a gold medal?” Victors tone turned harsh, but it hit Yuuri with a brutal reality check. Coaching Yuuri was as much Victor’s career as competing is, and Yuuri’s let him down

Yuuri looked up to Victor and suddenly there they were, barely a foot away from each other both lost in the other’s eyes. There was something different about the Victor standing in front of him, something so much more real. Yuuri gasped at the realization, this was the real Victor Nikiforov. 

“How much longer are you going to stay in warm up mode?” Victor asked, fondness masking his face for a moment as he stared at Yuuri. Then he moved wrapping his arms around Yuuri from across the side board. “I really want to kiss that gold medal” 

For a moment they separated for just a moment, just long enough to look at each other, for their dams to break and there tears to come rushing out, they joined in on a hug again openly sobbing, despite the many reporters attention on him. 

He was announced over the speakers and Yuuri quickly pulled himself together, he had a routine to perform, and to perform well. They clasped hands for a moment and then he skated away, leaving Victor much sooner then he wanted to. 

‘Right’ Yuuri thought ‘I know what my goal is’

Yuuri made a quick lap around the ice waving to his fans, and then he stopped abruptly in the middle and took his position. 

‘My name is Yuuri Katsuki, at twenty four I’m one of the dime a dozen figure skater certified by the JSF’

The music started and Yuuri moved with it, his hands sweeping up to his face close, as if holding something precious to him, something sacred. 

He followed it around the ice, desperate to convey his love, laid bare to the world and then went directly into his combination jumps, his quadruple toe loop and his double toe loop. For a split second in Yuuri’s mind, it wasn’t him who landed them, it was Victor. 

‘I’ve spent more than half my life watching Victor’ Yuuri thought ‘trying to catch up and now, thanks to him, here I am’

He entered the quadruple salchow ‘well not just him’ thinking of Victor watching him from the side’s he changed his triple toe loop into a triple flip, a harder jump. It wasn’t to make Victor proud though, it wasn’t even to surprise him, it was more than that. More than proving his worth, he could feel Victors blood pumping through his veins. 

The music turned quiet, it was his favorite part of the routine, the moment where Yuuri is content, peaceful. Yuuri moved his arms upward his head following, for most of the routine he’s chasing Victor’s love and now he has it, he’s entered a complete state of peace and contentment, he basks in it. 

‘I’ve been thinking, ever since the short program, I would like the final free skate of my career to have the same difficulty as Victors’ 

Yuuri lands his triple axel, and instead of his triple flip he changes it to a quadruple toe loop, he heard the crowd’s response to the unexpended change, but not Victor’s loud voice that carries across the ice easily.  
Yuuri continues on his step sequence ‘do you realize it now Victor?’ Yuuri wonders ‘ he goes into another combination jumps his triple axel single loop triple salchow ‘I don’t want it to end here’ Yuuri continues savoring the sound of ice under his boots, his well memorized choreography pulsing under his skates, the sounds from the audience, the music pouring from the speakers, the love he is showing pouring from his body, from his foot work and jumps, the pure unadulterated emotion he is conveying to the whole of the world, so raw it hurt to look at directly. 

‘I want to skate with you forever’ the idea of growing old next to Victor, skating with him, and fighting over bags of nuts compels him through his next jump sequence, his triple lutz, and triple toe loop 

Yuuri understood that keeping Victor as his coach would kill him as a skater; he understood it was selfish to keep skating and keep stealing Victor from the world 

‘look at the Victor that lives on inside me’ Yuuri wondered vaguely if that’s what Victor wanted all along. 

Then it was Victors signature move, the quadruple flip. And Yuuri did it wonderfully, he hoped the world could see it, not just the jump, or the footwork, but Victor.

The Victor that lived on inside him. 

And then it was over, much too soon his free skate was over and so was his grand prix final. He heard Victor call his name and wait for him to accompany him to the kiss and cry to get his scores but Yuuri didn’t want to, he didn’t want to leave the ice. 

He gladly accepted a few sushi roll plushies that were thrown on the ice and dawdled for as long as he could before he knew he had to leave. 

He accepted Victors hug numbly, his eyes wide open, and then Victor dragged him to the kiss and cry and he sat with his head between his hands waiting for his score. It wasn’t that he was nervous, Yuuri knew it was the best performance of his life, and he knew now how to do it again. He just didn’t want it to be over. 

But then his scores were being announced and everything seemed different, his score was 221.58, which not only shot him up to first place, and guaranteed him a spot on the podium, but it also happened to beat the world record for the highest score for a free skate set by, you guessed it, Victor Nikiforov himself.

Yuuri entirely forgot how to feel, how to process emotions, and information, and it wasn’t until he was looking into Victor’s eyes and he saw the smile he offered him, bursting to the edge with pride, it wasn’t until Victor offered him a single hand, when Yuuri was brought back to life.

The handshake turned into a hug and then Victor was pulling him close to him stopping only to whisper in his ear 

“Congratulations Yuuri, now both Yuuri’s have beaten my world records “that’s the ultimate compliment as your choreographer and coach but the ultimate affront as your fellow competitor” 

That had Yuuri drawing back in shock… did that mean? “Wait you mean… your coming back?” 

Victor smile changed, to something almost sad, almost weary but he nodded nonetheless, and then Yuuri was hugging him again and Victor’s arms were around him and everything seemed just perfect.  
And then Chris was competing, and then Otabek, and then it was Yuri

As Victor and Yuuri cheered for each person, Chris when he flubbed a jump, and after Otabeks thrilling performance, and when Yuuri realized Yuri was about to begin he ran from his interview with Victor and a news crew to yell at him just about the only word he understood in Russian “Davai!” 

Yuuri watched him with wide eyes, once again he saw Victor. 

It was over too fast, he was lost in the jumps and the footwork, Yuuri’s nimble body adapting to the challenges Yakov and Lilia created for him. 

Yuuri wondered if Yuri felt the Victor inside him too, wondered if Lilia and Yakov saw it too, almost like a little bit of Victor was fighting to survive in them. Yuuri didn’t know about Yuri, but he was proud to have Victor in him, he was going to wear the resemblance like a medal of honor. 

Speaking of medals, Yuuri won silver. Not gold like he expected, not gold like he fought for, Yurio took gold, scraping by with a score .12 points higher than Yuuri’s. Yuuri was proud of course, he stood on the pedestal with Yuri and JJ, who placed bronze only because of the incredibly high difficulty level of jumps, but Yuuri also felt this deep disappointment. 

It wasn’t even really because he didn’t win gold, it was because he didn’t win gold during his last season. 

As they stood on the podium, placed strategically on the ice he saw Victor talking to Yakov. It had been a while since he saw them speak like that, the conversation looked almost amiable. Lilia was by his side, Lilia was Yakov’s ex-wife if Yuuri remembered correctly, does that mean she raised Victor too, when he went to live with them? 

Then Victor was pulled into a rough and very short hug, Yakov then placed two hands on either side of Victors face and he smiled deeply, it looked like tears were forming in his eyes. 

He was probably proud of Victor coaching Yuuri, or maybe Victor had just told him he was returning to skating

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that Yuri was staring too, he looked deeply concerned, almost angry, but when he noticed Yuuri was watching too he blushed a deep red, and looked away in disgust.  
Whatever the moment was it ended incredibly quickly and then after a few more thousand photo’s the photoshoot was over 

Yuuri first skated to where Victor was waiting by the sidelines and he held out his medal for Victor to kiss, like he had promised. 

“Well it’s not a gold medal but…” Yuuri was already having serious doubts about retiring after this season but his thoughts were only amplified when Victor gave an aloof shake of his head smiling in some mix of pity and disappointment, he wore it like he was reminding a child of something they forgot 

“That’s nice, but I’m not going to kiss your medal unless it’s gold, sorry!”

It was almost enough to make Yuuri panic

Almost 

“And I was really looking forward to kissing that gold medal, how will I ever recover from my failure as a coach, you don’t have any suggestions do you Yuuri?” Victor said as he strutted towards Yuuri his confidence making Yuuri back away until he hit the sideboards. 

“Something that might excite me?” 

And Yuuri almost lost control

Almost

“Well anything come to mind?” Victor asked, a finger strategically placed on his chin, all the most attractive features of his face lighting up. 

Yuuri stammered for a moment, before he pushed his inhibitions aside, along with his silver medal that went flying somewhere Yuuri couldn’t care less about 

“Victor!” he cried pushing forward quickly to wrap his arms around Victor’s neck. The hug came as a surprise and soon they were both tumbling backward, Yuuri had thankfully put on his skate guards so his blades didn’t hurt him or Victor when he fell onto of him. 

“I want to stay in competition with you for one more year, and this time, I’ll win gold”

Victor’s entire face lit up, and it made Yuuri’s insides melt

“Perfect! Well... almost”

Victor reached out to grab Yuuri’s silver medal and place it over Yuuri’s head so it hung from his neck 

“Even for me it’s not going to be easy to make a full come back, while also staying on as your coach. In exchange I expect at least five world championships, at the very least”

That, Yuuri could do. 

Yuuri nodded, his hands around the medal, tears forming in his eyes 

“Okay” 

“Besides, we would make quite a team, the podium fiancés” Victor continued, taking Yuuri’s hand and wrapping his fingers around them tightly

Yuuri felt his world rock slightly… “So you…” Yuuri started 

And Victor laughed loudly, grabbing passerby’s attention

“Yes, Yes Yuuri I do”

Victor pressed his forehead against Yuuri’s and closed his eyes

Yuuri did the same 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Yuuri sat on the edge of his bed, and stared at the golden ring on his finger in awe. There was something almost innocent about the way it glinted in the darkness, borrowing any kind of light it could use to shine proudly against the night. 

“Hey Yuuri, I’m going to take a shower okay?” Victor called from behind him, already stripping 

“Okay Victor” Yuuri said watching him with a profound sense of endearment. 

The he was gone, the bathroom door closing behind him and Yuuri was left to his thoughts, he leaned back on his bed and replayed Victors word’s in his mind, ‘the podium fiancé’s’ he thought ‘the podium fiancé’s’ Yuuri was Victor’s fiancé, he was not retiring like he thought he was, he had a silver medal, and was ready to win gold next year with his coach, his competitor, his fiancé, his Victor. 

For all of Yuuri’s life, Victor was Victor Nikiforov, or the five time consecutive Grand Prix Final winning ice skater, or his dream husband, but now, Yuuri, and his golden ring had changed Victor’s title to ‘His Victor’ There was something beautifully simplistic, beautifully domestic, beautifully… beautiful about it. 

Victor was his, and he was Victor’s and that was that

Yuuri was yanked from his day dreams (day-reality?) when a loud ringing noise rang out through the hotel room, Yuuri followed it to Victor’s phone, clad in a phone case based on one of his last skating costumes.

He hesitated, it seemed rude to answer his call for him, Yuuri didn’t know who it was, his phone siting face down, and he didn’t want to invade Victor’s privacy. At the same time however, it seemed rude to let it go to voice mail, Yuuri picked up his phone, and walked to the bathroom with it. 

The door was locked so Yuuri couldn’t get in; he called loudly to the other side “Victor?” 

He waited for a response but when none came he continued, the noise from his phone creating a sense of urgency “Victor your phone!” he said louder

At that moment he looked down, hoping to see a caller id, like a familiar name of Chris or Yakov, Yuuri wouldn’t feel so bad letting it go to voice mail if it wasn’t pressing but instead it said Saint Petersburg General Hospital. 

And suddenly Yuuri was ten years old, looking at a different phone that said Hasetsu’s Ocean Side Hospital, and he picked it up like any ten year old would, calling out a “hello, you have reached Yu-topia Onsen and Inn, my parents aren’t able to reach the phone right now, can I take a message?” like he was trained to do

A polite but pressing voice came from the other end “Hello, my name is Minnie, I’m a nurse in Hasetsu’s main hospital, we have a Katsuki Karuu in surgery currently do you know who he is?” 

Ten year old Yuuri nodded quickly “Yes he’s my grandpa” 

“Okay then, could you go find an adult in your family to take the phone?” 

And that’s just what he did, placing the phone down and quickly finding Mari who picked up the phone and continued talking, telling Yuuri to go find their parents, and when they were all informed they piled in their family car and drove up to Hasetsu’s Ocean View

Yuuri’s grandfather had passed away that day, he watched his mother cry for the first time. Curled over her father’s bed and sobbing at his lap, it was shocking for him to witness, to understand that people die, and don’t ever come back

Yuuri stared at the phone now, Saint Petersburg General Hospital’s name blaring across it in abrasive font. 

He had to do something, if Victor wasn’t able to be with his grandfather or any member of his family in their last moments because Yuuri didn’t pick up the phone, he would never forgive himself. 

Yuuri gave the closed bathroom door one last apologetic look before swiping his thumb across the green button and putting it to his ear 

“Hello?” 

And then Yuuri’s life fell to pieces

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Victor passed out in the shower

Because two bloody noses, and a migraine weren’t enough.

But dammit, he wasn’t going to let his diagnosis ruin this day, he was going to get out of that bathroom and cuddle with Yuuri Katsuki, the silver medal winning ice skater, and his fiancé 

Victor felt bad about lying to him about next year, but it was a lie Victor felt comfortable in. It was a lie that made Yuuri happy, it made Yuuri want to keep skating.

Who knows, even the doctors didn’t know for sure, all they could give him was an estimate and Victor’s heard tons of stories in the news before about people who were given only a few months to live but ended up living for much much longer. Victor could easily be one of those, maybe he could compete next season. 

And with that, the most dangerous thing entered Victor’s mind

Hope

It was only a small shining moment, it was almost nothing

But it was enough 

Victor dried off slowly in the bathroom, trying not to jostle a headache or a bloody nose, he still felt groggy, like he just woke up from a long nap. He was in no rush so he styled his hair carefully in the mirror, getting dressed in a pair of comfortable pants and his favorite blue and white striped shirt, the one he wore when he first watched Yuuri skate to Stay Close to Me, Victor had no idea at the time what a journey he was in for.

Victor smiled at himself in the reflection; he never believed he could experience such wonder in his life, such love. 

He wanted to tell Yana, and Yakov, and Lilia, he wanted to sing it from the rooftops and prove his love to everyone, but all he had to prove it to was Yuuri. 

Yuuri who deserved everything that life was willing to offer him, who deserved to fall in love, and experience love, and experience happiness, Victor wished more than anything he could provide that for him, he never wanted Yuuri to feel lonely or sad, and as long as Victor was alive he was going to assure that he never felt that away. 

With that in mind, Victor fixed a stray strand of hair and marched himself out of the bathroom into their joint room. 

Everything felt different, the tension in the air was tangible, Victor felt like he could have ripped off a chunk and chewed it. It was such an overpowering aura to enter, Victor would have turned and hidden in the bathroom if he didn’t see Yuuri sitting on the edge of the bed, his back turned to Victor, he was sitting like he did before he told Victor he was retiring, probably on social media or something. 

He seemed slightly shut off from the rest of the world, probably overwhelmed by the events of the day, deciding to continue skating, promising to win at least a few Grand Prix gold medals, and then getting real engaged on top of his fake one, was probably a lot for the ice skater. 

Victor started talking, hopefully to distract Yuuri from the dark recesses of his mind

“So Yuuri, what do you want to do now?”

Nothing 

“I want to go home” home “and see Makkachin again, maybe go for another relaxing beach day” Victor added

Yuuri continued staring blankly at the wall, Victor hadn’t walked his way over yet to see him, but he thought he might appreciate some space. Victor felt like he was invading something personal and maybe Yuuri just needed to be alone for a while, Victor was more than content to huddle in a corner of the room somewhere and parole social media or play some kind of game while Yuuri worked his way through whatever he was going through, but the only problem was he couldn’t find his phone. 

It wasn’t on the counter where he thought he left it, Victor checked his coat pocket maybe he just forgot to take it out. 

“hey Yuuri do you-” the words died on his mouth, as he saw Yuuri’s limp hand fall from his chest to rest on his knee, it was loosely grasping Victors phone. 

Somewhere, Victor was vaguely aware that his heart was hammering in his throat. He tried to reason with himself, this was stupid, Victor had almost nothing to hide on his phone, there was nothing Yuuri could have found to make him angry at Victor. 

Almost nothing. 

Victor took a deep breathe, “Oh you found it...” He said faking cheerfulness. 

Almost nothing

It was when Yuuri turned to look at Victor for the first time since they got back, and he saw the hollow look behind his eyes, his red eyes already soaked with tears, that Victor felt another shift in the world; it took one second, one second from Victor to realize he knew. 

“How long” Yuuri said, the words bringing on another onslaught of tears, Yuuri bit his lip to fight them from pouring down his cheek. 

Victor sat down next to Yuuri gently, like Yuuri was a frightened animal and Victor didn’t want to scare him I guess telling Yuuri in Hasetsu isn’t going to work anymore, Victor thought. “Yuuri I-”

“How long?” Yuuri asked more forcefully 

Victor took a deep breath, the secret was out and there was no reason to try and hide it “seven months” 

Yuuri’s control was soon forgotten and thick, hot, messy tears began pouring down his face. 

Almost sub-consciously Victor reached out a protective arm to wrap around the skaters body, to comfort, to soothe, anything. He wasn’t even sure who the comfort was for, but Yuuri jumped under his touch, moving his shoulders so Victors hand fell from them quickly, like a scalded cat Yuuri backed away from Victor until his back hit the wall, and then instantly finding relief in being surrounded Yuuri crumpled in on himself. 

It was almost nothing

Victor followed in suite. “Yuuri please I-”

Yuuri let out an animalistic shout, Victor could barely comprehend the words behind it 

“When were you going to tell me!?” 

Victor was hit with a pang of guilt “at Hasetsu, I was going…” his words fell apart at the sound Yuuri was making, some kind of whimpering. He took a shaky breathe and continued “I was going to tell you and your family at the Inn, I was going... I was going…” Victor couldn’t bring himself to say more 

Yuuri quieted down for a few moments and Victor felt the world start to mellow with it. He sat next to Yuuri, not quite touching but next to him, he leaned his head back so it hit the wall, he stared up at the ceiling, in pain. The kind he got from hurting someone he lo… someone he loved

Almost nothing 

Then Yuuri turned to look at Victor, brown eyes peeking out from his knees, it was just a split second for their eyes to meet when a new round of tears Yuuri, and this time it broke him.

“I can’t fucking lose you” he yelled, this time jumping up quickly leaving Victor on the floor.

Victor eye’s widened at Yuuri swearing

“You’re supposed to stay close to me, and instead you’re going to fucking lea-” Yuuri’s chest started heaving making it hard for the words to get out “lea- you’re fucking… you’re leaving me”

Victor felt the hurt his words caused “hey it’s not like I want to!” he yelled back

Yuuri started running his hands up and down his arms, leaving streaks of white outlined in red where his nails hit. 

The sight had Victor brought immediately out of his state of anger and he rushed towards Yuuri wanting to tear his hands away from his arms, stop him from hurting himself but his rapid advancements had Yuuri curling in on himself even more, turning to Victor to scream at him. 

Victor didn’t understand any words behind his screams, but he understood enough to back off. 

“Yuuri…” he whispered 

Yuuri looked up to Victor and fidgeted in his place like he was severely uncomfortable with being under attention

All that Victor could think of when he looked up to Yuuri, standing there tightly holding onto his wrist, sobbing uncomfortably, was that he was the most beautiful person he’s ever seen, that he wanted to be with Yuuri, wanted to make him feel safe. 

Almost nothing

It was all so fucking unfair

Then Yuuri sucked in a heart wrenching deep breath, and then he broke eye contact and threw out a “I can’t be here” Yuuri looked around the hotel room his eyes no longer gleaming despite looking for something, they looked dull, empty. 

“I can’t be here, I can’t- I can’t be here” he focused on the sentence like it was a lifeline and Yuuri was slowly drifting away to sea, eventually he bent below the kitchen counter quickly latching onto his shoes and throwing himself bodily out the door, the words dying on his lips. 

Victor watched him go with wide eyes. 

Then, he felt his way to a bed, and lowered himself down on the edge. He was alone. Victor didn’t know how long it took for him to lie down completely, a severe and almost worrying sense of numbness swept over him. 

To Victor it wasn’t surprising, it was just how things were bound to work out. 

He knew he was crying, he knew something had just happened that changed his life, he knew Yuuri hated him, Victor Nikiforov knew a lot of things, but at that moment, he couldn’t feel anything.  
He watched his hand atop the covers, watching his fingers curl in without command from Victor, he didn’t feel the brush of fingers or the tears drip sideways down his face, but he was reminded somewhat nonchalantly that those fingers were his, and his body was his. And for the first time in Victor’s life he fantasized about being someone else, owning a different body and starting new. 

We wondered vaguely if that’s what was going to happen to him when he died.

Come back as something new. 

Something exciting, and surprising. He wondered if he was going to be able to look after Yuuri in that life, make sure he’s taking care of himself.

Of maybe nothing would happen at all.

Victor watched his fingers, and felt almost nothing. 

It was almost nothing

and it wasn't enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the late update I came in from Seattle about 11 tonight, and I was about to write a comment explaining the chapter wont be up until tomorrow but I decided against it, as you can tell this is a big and very important chapter and I didn't want to leave you all hanging for longer then needed. 
> 
> In other news Hasetsu's Ocean is officially on wattpad now
> 
> leave a comment, kudo's, or hang out with me on tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine or dariarawr 
> 
> comment for this chapters soundtrack
> 
> next update 8/12/17


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘They’re just shoes’ Yuuri told himself, he was being ridiculous. 
> 
> Yuuri didn’t have his socks on, he had thrown them somewhere in the hotel. The thought of the hotel reminded him of Victor again and he felt his heart speeding up, he could feel his stomach churning in its place, the simple reminder of Victor was enough to make him feel sick. Yuuri couldn’t handle it. 
> 
> Yuuri pulled on the tennis shoes, ignoring how unpleasant they were to put on without socks, and laced them up, focusing on the careful placement of the laces, the texture between his fingers.
> 
> 'One job at a time'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of my favorites  
> enjoy!

Yuuri squeezed Victors hand

There was something beautifully domestic about the act of hand holding. Something Yuuri couldn’t put his finger on, but he knew it was there. When Victor rubbed his thumb against Yuuri’s hand, his heart stopped for a second; it was a sensation Yuuri was never going to get used to

But there was something more than excitement about holding hands. When Yuuri first held Victors hand for real, in the airport, he felt something change in the air around them, something shift in their relationship, he held Victors hand like he never wanted to let go. Now, whenever he held Victors hand he wasn’t afraid to let go.

Victors hand loosened in Yuuri’s, and he let Victor pull away and wander off towards the ocean.

“Where are you going?” Yuuri asked, a small smile playing on his face. 

“Just give me a second!” Victor said. He walked to the water’s edge letting Mari, Makkachin, and Minako continue walking ahead of them, slowly he pulled off one shoe at a time and set them gingerly on the sand.

“Victor!” Yuuri shouted, suddenly aware of what Victor was about to do “You can’t go in the water; it’s freezing this time of year!” 

Victor just laughed and trotted out, letting the wave crash forward and over his bare feet, Yuuri watched him for a second, and then watched in horror as Victor started to roll up his pants and walk further into the ocean. 

“Victor!” Yuuri scolded 

Victor was mid-calf into the ocean when he called back over his shoulder “come join me!”

Yuuri bit his lip, and then rolled his eyes at his amazing lack of self-control. God he was smitten, he scrunched the bottom of his jeans over his legs and quickly pulled his tennis shoes off, bundling his socks in a ball and shoving them in his shoes before throwing them haphazardly to the beach and taking off after Victor

As they always are, the first step was the most difficult. The cold water stung his skin, screaming at him to go back, but he pushed on eventually getting used to the cold. Yuuri only got a few steps in before a wave gently but powerfully knocked Yuuri backwards, he balanced himself with a few steps, and then continued towards Victor, stopping when another wave rolled in. 

Yuuri caught up to Victor resting by his side, they stood together, Yuuri looked at Victor, and Victor looked out towards the ocean, his face unwavering. There was something special about the moment, Yuuri wasn’t entirely sure what it was, but he let the silence wash over them, the waves crashing on the nearby beach sounding almost distant. 

It was just Yuuri, Victor, and the ocean.

It seemed it always came back to that. 

Yuuri didn’t mind 

Victor broke the silence after a few seconds “I want to come back here during the summer” he said. His face held a withheld kind of finality, a wistful and soft pain. He looked sad. 

“Yeah” Yuuri said, his hand finding his way to Victor’s “we should”

With that Victor gave Yuuri a goofy lopsided smile, Yuuri felt it was more for Yuuri’s sake then Victors. 

“We should catch up to the others” Victor said starting to make his way back to the beach

“Actually” Yuuri said, he turned to look up at the cliff that overlooked the ocean 

“I think I want to show you something else first”

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Yuuri didn’t know where he was going 

Yuuri didn’t want to go anywhere, when he experienced these panic attacks; Yuuri usually just curled in a corner in his room and rode them out.

It didn’t happen often, but it happened enough for his family to develop a plan for the rare occasions that they did occur. His family was good enough to recognize what they were and they were usually able to get him somewhere quiet and dark so he didn’t suffer through a sensory overload as well as his underlying anxiety, they quickly found out after the first few that Yuuri couldn’t handle being touched when he was in the panicked state, the darker and quieter the room the better, after a few hours of being alone one of his family member would knock on the door, and after Yuuri’s consent they would slide a small plate with some tea, and usually a small meal through the door. 

Yuuri once asked his sister, after a very bad one, why he was like this. Why these things happened to him. 

Mari just told him that he was different, that’s all. She also told him that everyone was different in their own way, she said it about herself and their mother, and that even Victor Nikiforov was different, she said it was nothing to be ashamed about; it had calmed Yuuri’s anxieties about the panic attacks quickly. 

But now, Yuuri had no one, he was in a strange country and his family were an entire continent away, and he was thrown out into a bright hallway, the memory of him and Victor at the beach was replaying over and over and over in his head and god he didn’t know what to do. 

Yuuri stopped to lean against the hallway; he closed his eyes, brought his hands up to his ears, and squeezed his eyes shut tightly, recklessly thinking that for the moment he didn’t care who saw him.

His mind went back to Victor, back at the hotel room. Impossibly more tears spilled from his eyes, and they burned on the way out. Yuuri felt his lungs speeding up, heaving to catch the air that inexplicably escaped them, he knew this, he was slipping into an anxiety attack. It was more than the initial panic, the initial fight or flight response, more than the sensory overload and Yuuri couldn’t breathe.

His heart ached in a way he never imagined was possible.

He couldn’t think about Victor right now, he had to distract himself quickly, when Yuuri lapsed into an anxiety attack it took him hours to be able to function like a normal human being again and he knew that by then someone else would have left the hotel room and seen him like that. Yuuri didn’t want to have to deal with somebody right now. 

Yuuri went through the breathing patterns he had previously googled online, breathing in for four counts then holding his breath for seven and then breathing out for eight. 

It was harsh at first, and Yuuri hiccupped, choking on his tears breaking the slow pattern he was trying to create. The entire process hurt for a few seconds, his lung heaving for air, but Yuuri forced them to move slowly, he knew from experience that gasping for air only made everything worse. 

After a dozen repetitions of the breathing exercise Yuuri could feel himself able to breathe again, he felt the world shift into balance, exhausted Yuuri slumped against the wall, breathing deeply. 

He reached out blindly with his hand and felt his shoes that fell next to where he sat. He rubbed the fabric between his thumb and index finger for a few moments; he focused on the texture which proved to be a nice distraction. 

He thought of throwing them to the beach, going to chase after Victor in the freezing water ignoring the cold, and he started crying again, this time the tears weren’t accompanied by more panic. They were soft tears.

‘They’re just shoes’ Yuuri told himself, he was being ridiculous. 

Yuuri didn’t have his socks on, he had thrown them somewhere in the hotel. The thought of the hotel reminded him of Victor again and he felt his heart speeding up, he could feel his stomach churning in its place, the simple reminder of Victor was enough to make him feel sick. Yuuri couldn’t handle it. 

Yuuri pulled on the tennis shoes, ignoring how unpleasant they were to put on without socks, and laced them up, focusing on the careful placement of the laces, the texture between his fingers.

'One job at a time' he told himself. 

Once they were tied in carefully positioned tiny bows, Yuuri was satisfied with his job, the only thing he had to do now, was get out of the hallway, sooner or later someone was going to leave their room, and see him there. Yuuri thought about it, he thought about the task mulling the steps needed to accomplish it over and over in his head, it seemed doable. 

Yuuri stood up, carefully, planting his hands on the side of his body and pushing up. There he found himself standing on solid feet. 

Yuuri didn’t have his phone with him, he left a lot of things back at the hotel with- Yuuri cut himself off, right now he couldn’t think about the stem of the problem right now. He needed to distract himself until he could think reasonably. 

Yuuri always had a good distraction set up for him, a solid and set in stone idea for when life got too much for him, skating. Skating had always been there for Yuuri, it had always been reliable, with Yuuko owning the rink back in Hasetsu, anytime he wanted he could go to the rink and skate. 

Well, Yuuri thought, he might not be in Hasetsu anymore, but there is a rink just a few blocks from here, he could see if he could get in for a few laps. 

It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was a plan, with definable steps to follow, Yuuri clung to it. 

First Yuuri forced himself to walk to the end of the hall and board the elevator, choosing to blatantly ignore the people on it, he pushed the lobby button before staring at a wall with disinterest, he didn’t have his headphones to signify how little he wanted to talk to someone, but he was sure the moody body language, and red tear soaked eyes gave enough of a don’t-talk-to-me signal.

It worked mostly

The’ mostly’ part came in when Chris did. 

The two other girls in the elevator stepped out on their floor, and standing outside waiting for the elevator was Chris holding hands and smiling with a tall brown haired man Yuuri now thought looked vaguely familiar, he showed up in most competitions. 

Chris, seeing Yuuri’s state, turned to his… boyfriend? And whispered something urgently in a language Yuuri didn’t understand, the man nodded said something back and kissed him gently on the cheek before backing out of the elevator and letting Chris enter the almost empty elevator with Yuuri. 

They stood side by side and Yuuri could feel the tears gathering in his eyes at the thought of having to converse with another person. He subconsciously shrunk against the wall, of the elevator willing himself to disappear, turn invisible. 

Chris who obviously noticed how distressed Yuuri was at the moment, didn’t make any loud noises, he didn’t move around a lot or say things that usually made Yuuri’s head hurt, which was incredibly unlike Chris, but he was thankful. 

All he said was “the rinks not open, if you’re planning on heading down” 

Yuuri felt any semblance of calm he had collected dissipate, he fidgeted where he stood, his plan was coming apart at the seams and he had to distract himself somehow or he knew it was going to take a long time to come down from this state. 

“But a small café down the street is” Chris continued, he turned to look at Yuuri from the corner of his eye

Yuuri understood the invitation and he nodded thankfully, he was afraid that if he opened his mouth he was going to start sobbing and nobody needed that right now. 

Chris nodded, and put his hands in his pockets, he didn’t fool around on a phone, or distract himself with something else, instead he stared straight ahead at the elevator doors and let Yuuri pull himself together. His steady presence was enough for Yuuri to mentally lean on, he used the time it took for the elevator to hit the lobby to collect himself. 

Chris stepped out glancing behind his shoulder to make sure Yuuri was following, then he led Yuuri out of the hotel’s lobby into Barcelona’s streets, darkness was falling over the city, and strung up fairy lights were being plugged in to lead the way for tourists and locals alike.

Yuuri followed Chris, who had enough mind not to try and touch him in his panicked state, to the small well-lit café that he had promised. 

Thankfully there was an outside area, most people sat on the inside to shelter themselves from the cold, Yuuri shivered against the wind, in his rush to leave the hotel room he forgot to bring a jacket.

Chris, who Yuuri was learning, was incredibly attentive, started pulling of his jacket. 

“No!” Yuuri said, the first words he had spoken to Chris all night “It’s okay! I’m okay”

Chris just smiled, “Yuuri I’m from Switzerland, I’m used to the cold. You are not” He moved forward to Yuuri, not wrapping the coat around him, but instead offering it to him, making sure Yuuri could grab it without making skin to skin contact. 

Yuuri accepted it and tugged the overly large jacket on 

“It’s why only Victor and I were at the pool yesterday, only a Swiss and a Russian are dumb enough to swim in Barcelona in winter time” Chris continued

Yuuri at the reminder of Victor started crying again, gently though. He turned his face away from Chris, he was well aware Chris could see him crying, but he didn’t want to see what his reaction to it was. He looked hyper focused on the architecture across the street, on the heaviness of the jacket against his back, anything other than the present 

He heard Chris take a deep breathe, as if stealing himself for what he was about to say 

“He told you then?”

Yuuri looked at Chris in surprise 

“He told me this morning” 

Yuuri rolled his eyes “he didn’t even tell me” 

Chris looked confused but didn’t push it; he let Yuuri speak when he was ready

“I picked up a phone call from the hospital that was meant for Victor, I thought… Victor was in the shower and I thought… I thought someone he knew was sick; I didn’t even think that…” Yuuri couldn’t even finish a sentence without choking on his own tears. 

He buried his mouth in both of his hands, squeezing his eyes tightly trying to fight the onslaught of tears. 

Chris stopped a waitress and asked for two cups of water, and a hot wine. The girl pointedly ignored Yuuri

“He told me, only because he was worried about you” Chris said coolly

Chris’s calmness only proved to further piss off Yuuri 

“And you’re okay with that?!” Yuuri shouted

Chris looked at him harshly now, his impossibly green eye’s dug into Yuuri, as if daring him to see the truth “no” he said finally, he looked almost disappointed in Yuuri

“No, nothing about this is okay” his voice was deep with emotion

It was something they could both agree on

They stopped for a moment when the waitress returned and gave them their waters and set the hot wine between them. Chris thanked her respectfully. 

“I was in love with him” Chris said after a few moments 

Yuuri looked up in surprise, his mouth trying to form words he didn’t have yet. 

“Victor knew it too, he loved me, don’t get me wrong, Victor loves many things, but he doesn’t know what it means to be in love with someone.” Chris said

He took a sip of the water moving the wine closer to Yuuri, who sat for a second looking at it before he wrapped his hands around the glass and took a large sip, without protesting. After finding out what he did at the banquet last year Yuuri told himself he was never going to drink again, but after tonight… well he needed a drink. Yuuri looked at Chris with unconcealed pity in his eyes, was he still in love with Victor? Was Christophe angry at Yuuri or angry at Victor?

“Don’t get me wrong” Chris said before Yuuri could speak “I’m not jealous or anything, I have a husband now, and I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone before.” 

That explains who Yuuri saw with him at the elevator

“But before I met him, back when I was still in love with Victor, I was mad he couldn’t love me back, I was wild and spontaneous, and I thought I could surprise Victor, but when he wasn’t taken with me, I thought it was because I was just too… predictable for him.” Chris stopped for a moment, his green eyes going glassy with nostalgia 

“Drink your wine Yuuri, you need it”

Yuuri nodded and took another sip, the warmth seeped into him, making Yuuri feel better, it wasn’t much, but it was something. 

“I think though, that’s not the reason at all. I think...” Chris said “it was because Victor had enough free-spirit in his life already. What he needed was something steady, moveable and changeable of course, but steady. A constant presence in his life, someone that’s fun enough to still surprise him but strong enough to tell him when to cut the crap” 

Chris turned to look at Yuuri, who still had his lips around the hot wine glass, despite not actually drinking. 

“I guess it’s fate he fell in love with you” Chris said 

Yuuri looked down at his lap, not really thinking about the words before they came out “I… I don’t know what to do Chris”

When he looked up Chris was wearing a pained expression, accompanied by tears. 

“It sucks” Chris said, leaning back in his chair. 

“He’s a god, for all my life I never stopped to think of him as human. He skates like a god, and he moves like a god, and in my mind that’s all he was, I never thought he could be hurt, or fall in love, or... or die” the word was mangled and wretched. Yuuri shook his head bitterly “he is so pure, so good. It’s not fucking fair” 

Chris continued drinking his water. “It never is. It’s how life works Yuuri.”

Yuuri looked at him curiously, what did he mean by that?

“It’s something Victor told me once, when we were just teenagers.” Chris clarified “I didn’t understand it then but I think I do now. He said 'life goes on', which is simple enough really, but it’s true. Seasons change, and god’s die, and life goes on” 

Yuuri just tilted his head down and let his tears cling to his nose on their way down

“I don’t want to live in a world that Victor isn’t a part of” he confessed

Yuuri didn’t know when exactly it had happened, but somehow Victor had wiggled his way into his life and planted himself there, like some kind of stubborn weed that blossomed into a life giving tree. Yuuri desperately tried to recall a memory, any memory that Victor wasn’t a part of, but instead he was bombarded with lessons at the ice rink, and long strolls down major tourist sights laughing as he pulled Victor away from the more conspicuous looking items in Beijing’s market place, he was there walking Makkachin down by Hasetsu’s ocean. Every waking moment of Yuuri’s life became Victor. Victors pale blue eyes became the air pumping steadily in and out of Yuuri’s lungs, and Victors hair became the grass Yuuri stepped on, Victor’s skin was his bible, and his touch was his religion. Yuuri didn’t know how to live without air, or the grass, or the feeling of god flowing steadily through his veins, he didn’t know if he wanted to. 

“No one does. But think of it this way, once he’s gone, the night sky will earn another star” Chris said 

Yuuri couldn’t help but laugh, even in the darkness of the topic they were discussing. “That’s cheesy Chris” 

Chris laughed with him, there was something beautiful about crying as you laughed, something purifying “but it’s true” Chris reached out a tentative hand and grabbed Yuuri, he was a very touchy person.

“What other place could hold someone as bright as Victor” 

And with that Yuuri broke down, he held Chris’s hand tightly and sobbed openly into it, he felt his shoulders heave and his face make way for something ugly. Sooner or later he felt Chris wrap his arms around Yuuri and hold him firmly, he felt Chris begin to cry too. 

Soon enough they were just two broken ice skaters crying into each other in the shaky light of a café. It wasn't pretty, it wasn't a romanticized scene in a movie, or a book. It was rare and unadulterated pain. It felt good to be a part of though, cleansing.

To be truthful, Yuuri could see Victor everywhere. Sure he could see Victor shining above him in the stars, but he could also see him in mellower places, he could see him in the oceans waves back in Hasetsu, and in the gentle breeze as it knocked back Yuuri’s hair, Yuuri could see Victor dancing with the cherry blossoms in spring and everywhere else he looked. Victor could wiggle his way into any place and make it brighter.

It was all too much. Yuuri cried himself dry, long after Chris had stopped. There was something Yuuri still didn’t understand, the question calmed him enough to sit up in his chair, and pull away from Chris

“He told me he was coming back to skating” Yuuri said 

“What?” Christoph asked, straightening up

“He told me, that next season he was coming back to skating, but I don’t know why”

Chris pondered for a moment “well, you were going to retire right?” 

“Oh yeah” Yuuri had completely forgotten about that, the earth shattering decision seemed a life time away.

“I mean you are kind of his last living legacy, maybe he thought that all the things he taught you were going to go to waste if you retired. It was kind of like spitting on his last will and testament." 

Yuuri's eyebrow furrowed 

So maybe telling you that he’s going to keep skating would make you not want to retire” Chris guessed

It worked, once Yuuri was sure he wasn’t destroying Victor career he agreed to continue skating, it was exactly what Victor was going for. Yuuri couldn’t even think of skating right now, he didn’t even remember his day at the Grand Prix Final. 

“Oh…” Yuuri looked down to his hands folded on his lap again, god everything Yuuri was doing seemed awful 

Chris drank his water silently, Yuuri sipped on his wine. 

“You know Yuuri; I know you need this time to adjust, but…” Chris’s voice tapered off bitterly before he continued “you are being very selfish” 

The sentence sent Yuuri sprawling back from him in shock “what?”

“How long does he have to live Yuuri?”

“What” Yuuri said again, he didn’t want to talk about this right now, he needed a distraction 

“How long does he have, did he tell you?” 

The question was so blunt Yuuri answered, still confused “seven months”

“And do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?” 

he didn't hesitate “Yes” there was an unspoken ‘obviously’ that Chris chose to ignore 

“And do you realize that every second you spend away from him, is a second you’ll regret later when he’s gone?” 

Yuuri started, oh god. 

“You are mad Yuuri, and you have every right to be. You’re allowed to be angry, and sad, you’re allowed to be hurting, you just found out your fiancé is dying but think about how much worse it must be for Victor.”

Yuuri opened his mouth, he didn’t even think about how Victor was holding up, choosing instead to ignore Victor all together, trying desperately to rid the thought from his mind, how could he be so selfish? 

“I should be there for him” Yuuri finally said 

“Yes, you should.” Chris nodded, smiling as Yuuri stood up suddenly, Yuuri shrugged off Christoph’s coat and handed it back to him, he bowed low and thanked him for his time, and for the talk, and then he turned on his heel, desperate to make his way back to the hotel room. 

He could picture Victor up there, just sitting on his bed, or maybe he was calling someone like Yakov or Lilia to come over and soothe him, and for the first time since Yuuri found out, the thought of Victor didn’t just hurt him, don’t get him wrong, it caused his heart to restrict and shoot pain down his stomach, but it also filled him with something else, something strong. 

When Yuuri thought of Victor, he felt love. 

‘So this is what love is like’ Yuuri thought ‘god I hate it’

Yuuri ran. He ran across cobble stoned streets, and he swiftly maneuvered himself around large crowds of people, he followed the path he remembered to the giant hotel. Each step felt important, it was like in those rom-coms, when someone would try and stop their significant other from boarding a plane that would take them far away from each other. 

From across the world, waves crashed to the beach in sync with Yuuri’s heart

But Yuuri wasn’t trying to stop Victor from boarding a plane; he would have much preferred stopping a plane, than stopping time. 

He didn’t have to stop time forever though; he just had to put it in on pause for a few seconds. 

While Yuuri was somewhere buried in the depths of his mind, thinking about plucking planes from the air with his bare hands, he ran face first into someone who moved his way into his path at the last minute.

They both fell to a heap on the floor, and Yuuri could immediately recognize Yuri’s angry voice from above him as he tried to get his bearings. 

Yuuri noticed black hair and a tangle of limbs beneath him, he had run into Otabek, it seemed like he and Yuri were going celebrating that night. 

“hey watch where you’re going piggy” Yuuri shouted angrily, his face fell when he saw Yuuri’s state, as Yuuri straightened himself out and looked around for the entrance of the hotel Yuri spoke again, this time concern and desperation were evident on his voice.

“Are you going to find Victor?” Yuri asked 

Yuuri started, staring at Yuri with wide eyes “how-”

Yuri interrupted, his face going red and concerned “Then go you idiot!” 

Yuuri didn’t question, he didn’t even know if Yuri knew fully what he was talking about, he just turned himself around and took off running towards the hotel.

When Yuuri stepped foot into the fancy hotel, he hardly slowed to a jog. He didn’t care that people were staring, he didn’t care that he stood out like a sore thumb, a very flustered man who had obviously been crying and drinking, jogging through the lobby of an expensive hotel. 

Before someone could stop Yuuri, or interrogate him, he had slid into the elevator and pushed the button for his floor; ignoring the stares he gained from the only other girl in the elevator trying to put as much space between them as possible. 

Usually Yuuri would be at least slightly embarrassed that he was making such a scene, but with his only thought on Victor, Yuuri couldn’t care less. 

Victor really did a number on him

From across the world waves crashed to the beach in sync with Yuuri’s heart

In the elevator Yuuri bent over to catch his breath, with his body slowing down, so did his mind, with it a darker thought dawned on Yuuri. He wondered if Victor would be mad, it made sense, Victor didn’t really do anything wrong and Yuuri freaked out on him, Victor had never seen Yuuri panic that way before, and it was also probably slightly off-putting. Yuuri decided it was okay if Victor was mad at him, he would be accepting and kind, he just had to make sure Victor knew that Yuuri cared, knew that Yuuri was sorry, knew that he was willing to do anything, to be with him again. 

Which made Yuuri think again; if they really were fiancé’s then they had to start acting like it. They had no time to beat around the bush, and try to preserve their little bubble, Yuuri wanted to burn the bush, and pop their bubble, Yuuri wanted to be with Victor. Yuuri wanted to marry Victor, and wake up with him every day. He knew it wouldn’t be as long as he wanted, he would never grow old and grey with him, he wouldn’t skate with him forever, but he would take as long as Victor would give him.

The fierce thought burrowed his way into Yuuri’s mind, through the fresh tears that Yuuri shed, he tightened his jaw. This was it, the most important moment of his life. 

Another wave crashed.

Yuuri stepped off the elevators, and walked soundly to the room, he didn’t run this time, even though he knew he should have. Yuuri also knew this couldn’t be rushed, this was important

And another, and another, until everything went quiet.

And Yuuri was staring face to face with the white door of their hotel room.

He realized that everything was changing, and that Yuuri had to get used to it. 

Yuuri took a deep breath, and knocked twice. Then he stepped back waiting for Victor to answer the door. When nothing came Yuuri knocked again, louder this time. 

He still got no response. Yuuri knocked again, and this time he spoke quietly “Victor. I want to tell you something” 

This time there was a loud screech behind the door, like something was moving quickly. He saw the light behind the peephole darken slightly.

The door still didn’t open. 

Yuuri was expecting this, but it still hurt. If Victor was listening, Yuuri could accept that

“I want to say I’m sorry for how I reacted, Victor” he started slowly, gaining momentum as he continued “I talked to Chris, and I realize I’m being selfish. I know this hurts you more then it hurts me, and I want you to know that I’m willing to spend however long you’ve got with you, I would be honored if you choose the same” 

After his speech Yuuri stepped back and looked at the door. 

There was still no response. 

Yuuri thought about walking away, he thought about borrowing a strangers phone to call Mari and Minako and stay at their hotel crying the entire night. 

But then he thought about Victor, standing behind the door and watching him, and his decision was made, he was going to stand out there for as long as it took for Victor to let him in, to forgive him. 

“Remember what I told you, the last time we went to the beach?” Yuuri waited for Victor to respond but when he got nothing he continued

“About when two people are together, they should know the worst things about the other person, because if they stick around its real?” 

Yuuri swallowed his inhibitions, god this was embarrassing

“I have about fifty posters of you in my room”

He heard a small squeak behind the door and took that as a sign to keep going 

“I took them down the day you came to stay at the Inn, but I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away, so I put them all in a small box under my bed, I was so scared you were going to find them when you spent the night.”

Yuuri could tell it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t personal enough. 

“I think I’m autistic.” Yuuri said, it was one of the biggest secrets he held on to “I know that’s not a bad thing, it’s just something that makes me different, and I hate what it makes me do sometimes, like what you saw just there, was me panicking and reacting badly. It’s why I don’t always understand sarcasm and jokes, and it makes me feel bad about being in social situations” 

There was a silence

And then a click 

Yuuri glanced up just as the door was drawn back to reveal Victor, his eyes were red and is hair was messy, he looked beautiful. 

Before Yuuri could keep talking Victor started “I don’t know who I am anymore, I’ve hidden behind hundreds of masks that I think my fans would like, that I don’t know who I am anymore” 

Victor stopped and looked at Yuuri expectedly; Yuuri understood abruptly it was his turn. 

“My family has taken such good care of me, and I’ve never returned their love like they deserve” Yuuri said

“I hated my family since I could remember; they hurt me because I’m gay” Yuuri felt the floor slip out from under his feet “so I moved in with Yakov and didn’t even think that it would hurt my sister to be alone with them. I left her with monsters, and I was so selfish I never stopped to think about it” 

“I found out I like guys, because I went on a date with Yuuko and threw up on her during it, it turns out I just had a cold, but I kind of took it as a sign”

“I once flubbed a single toe loop so bad that Yakov literally didn’t talk to me for a week”

“When I was twelve, I told everyone I knew that I had gone on an ice skating trip and that we had met and I was dating you, but you weren’t allowed to visit because spies were watching you” 

Victor snorted “my family has male pattern baldness” 

Yuuri couldn’t help it, he laughed, and Victor joined him. 

“I’m terrified of moths” 

“I played hockey for two years before I ice skated” 

The idea of Victor playing hockey was so ridiculously absurd, Yuuri laughed harder. 

“I named my dog after you!” 

“I named my dog after coffee” 

“I hate washing laundry, I hate it so much that I will re-wear clothes twenty times just so I don’t have to wash anything”

“I snore” Victor confessed

“I know” Yuuri said with a nod

Victor guffawed and they both stood across the doorway with laughter filling their lungs and racking their bodies, it wasn’t even that funny, Yuuri realized, this revealing secrets to each other in the middle of a hotel hallway, this was ridiculous, but then again, so was their day, so were they. Everything seemed to fold in a collapse in on itself, and Yuuri and Victor’s laughter was a bit insane, and a bit pure, and a bit wonderful.

But eventually it evened out; their eyes held each other’s gaze for moments longer, as they realized what was happening. The thing they hadn’t acknowledged yet sat heavy between them, the smile fell of their faces and they stared at each other evenly. 

Yuuri felt his face contort as tears tried to fight their way out of his eyes, he wouldn’t let them though. 

Victor opened his mouth and added one last confession “I’m going to die in seven months” 

With that Yuuri fought harder, harder than he ever has to ensure his tears stayed where they were supposed to. He nodded roughly and sniffed. 

“Think we know the worst?” he asked 

“Do you want this kind of worse?” Victor asked his eyes hooded

“I want you!” Yuuri said defensively

Victor shook his head “you can only be with me for seven months Yuuri, do you really want that?” 

“Yes!” Yuuri shouted, he reeled his emotions back in when he saw Victor shift in the doorway “I’ve been with you for a lifetime.” He confessed 

“You’ve taken me to world’s I never knew existed. I’ve lived and died a hundred times with you, and I would do it all again, just to be able to spend the last seven months of your life by your side.” 

Victor didn’t say anything

“Okay?” Yuuri asked

“Okay” Victor whispered

“If we only have seven months together, than let’s make it count” Yuuri said confidently

Victor nodded

“Can I come in?” 

“Okay” 

“Can I kiss you?” 

“Okay” 

Then, for one precious moment, Yuuri surged forward, his lips met Victors, and the earth grinded to a halt under their feet, time stopped, and the world stopped, and life went on

It was quiet and simple and ended all too soon, and when they separated, it left them hungry and desperate. 

“That was good” Yuuri said 

“Yeah” 

“Can we do it again?”

“Oh god yes” 

Yuuri’s hands raked through Victor’s hair, pulling him down to Yuuri’s height, and Victor let him, bending down to kiss him again, this time harder, and hungry, Victor licked into Yuuri’s mouth and Yuuri let his body react naturally, he opened his lips to make way for Victors tongue.

Right then, he didn’t care about his skating, or Victor’s diagnosis, he let himself enjoy Victors body on his, let himself get pulled into the hotel room by Victor. 

He heard the door shut behind him 

Yuuri closed his eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that was a hard one to write, it took hours and hours or editing and re-editing because I wanted it to be perfect, I had planned for this end scene forever, and I can't wait to see what you guys think of it.  
> Leave a kudo's, comment, or come hang with me on tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine or dariarawr  
> comment for the soundtrack for this chapter (these last few chapters have the best soundtrack)  
> next update 8/16/17  
> EDIT: so sorry I'm running behind schedule, the next update has been moved to 8/18/17


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “why did you do that?” Victor asked from the sideboard, he had a towel in one hand and a water bottle in the other. 
> 
> Yuuri sat up from the ice, he had slid about two feet after flubbing a quad toe. He didn’t even bother standing, he just rolled himself over and looked at Victor
> 
> “It’s not like I tried to” He grumbled 
> 
> “what was that?” Victor asked smiling 
> 
> “Nothing!” Yuuri shouted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some explicit stuff in here, it's pretty obvious when it's happening so if it bothers you, you can skip to the next five dots, when the scene is over.  
> Enjoy!

All too soon Victor’s life became a list of lasts

He took notice the day they left Barcelona. 

Before they entered the airport, they paused. Yuuri turned to stare at the crowds of people, rushing about and drinking coffee and bumping into each other, they looked at the architecture the old meeting the new, and then Yuuri spoke.

“I’m going to miss this place”

And that’s the precise moment Victor started to wonder, was this the last time he was going to see Barcelona? Everything, every little moment seemed important, Victor wanted to make his lists of lasts as small as possible, he wanted to do everything at once and never stop because once he was done, he was done forever. 

He knew it had to happen sometime, eventually everyone has their list of lasts but Victor, Victor didn’t want to start that list now.

Yuuri seemed to notice Victors state of mind and looked at him carefully. 

Victor just turned to Yuuri and gave a big smile, one he knew Yuuri could see straight through. “I’m not, I can’t wait to get back to Hasetsu, and see Makkachin!” 

Yuuri didn’t press him though; he just nodded and leaned forward to kiss Victor. 

Ever since three days before, when Yuuri found out that Victor was dying, they had been kissing a lot. 

every kiss, or hug, or strategic placement of hand Victor felt himself growing stronger than ever, he didn’t know when Yuuri became such a steadfast part of his life, but he was thankful he had him to lean on. Of course Victor caught Yuuri staring when he got a migraine or a bloody nose, he saw they pitying glances or the frowns of sympathy, Victor loved being able to touch Yuuri and kiss him and tell him he loved him, but he still felt himself wishing he could go back to before Yuuri knew. 

It was easier to die in secrecy. 

They boarded the plane and were on their way back to Hasetsu in no time, on the plane, Yuuri curled into Victor as he stared out the window, watching the earth give way to a gentle slope. 

Yuuri had slipped on a pair of headphones , and begun zoning out as Victor watched the last remnants of Spain slip away in his window, he promised himself he would come back to see it again some day  
With the thought in his mind, and his list of last growing shorter, Victor settled into Yuuri and stole a single headphone from his right ear to slip into his own, and prepared himself for the long journey home  
It was the last time Victor saw Barcelona

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Victor loved a lot of things in this world. He was too emotional; too connected to things he shouldn’t feel connected to, too involved in things that didn’t concern him. This led to victor hating things, and pitying things against better judgment (or self-control) but it also led to Victor loving things. Too many things, from the steady roll of waves from the ocean, the crisp sounds of the water crashing and falling into itself continually, in Saint Petersburg he would sit on the shore and just listen to the waves for hours, in Hasetsu he could do that same thing. 

Victor loved when clouds sprawled across the sky and moved lazily through the blue like they were swimming, and like nothing could bother or prompt them to move faster. Victor loved it when the clouds grew disturbed, when they grew angry and heavy and spilled water, Victor loved watching from the safety of a building as thunder rolled across the sky and lightning struck down. Victor loved joining the outside, whispering poetry into the bark and the grass and the electrified sky, poetry not meant for human ears, just for the earth. Victor loved when he danced and screamed out towards the sky beginning it to do more, do more, just a little more. 

Victor loved the sound of cities, and the constant clack of a keyboard in a library, the sound of pages turning, the smell of cocoa, the taste of coffee. 

Victor loved a lot of things in this world. 

So logic dictates that when he leaves, he should miss a lot of things in the world too. It was true, Victor knew he would, he would miss everything the world had to offer him. The fresh raindrops on his tongue, and the sound of ice cutting below his skates, and the taste of katsudon. But Victor knew every day as he woke up to a world he loved too much, and went to sleep next to the dark haired man he loved more than life itself, that he was going to miss Yuuri the most. 

Victor watched Yuuri sleeping, something he had done often lately, he just watched the steady rise and fall of his chest and he couldn’t help the tears that rose to his eyes, as he thought about leaving him behind.

The tears blurred his vision and he angrily blinked them away, he didn’t have much longer to look at Yuuri and he didn’t want them to be tainted with tears. He didn’t want to look away or be forced to sleep and lose any minute of staring at him. 

Victor felt a sob rack its way through his body, and he desperately tried to calm his body. 

Victor leaned forward, as his chest convulsed trying to stop the tears, and pressed his lips to Yuuri’s forehead.

He didn’t kiss him, he didn’t push his lips forward then back away, he just pressed his lips to Yuuri’s forehead and stayed there, trying desperately to memorize the feeling of Yuuri’s skin against his own, ignoring the salt that slipped into his mouth, and the vibrations of his chest against Yuuri’s.

And everything became Yuuri, Yuuri, Yuuri, he was the air that Victor breathed, and the ice he skated on, it was all Yuuri, he breathed and lived and loved Yuuri. He was the tumor eating away at Victor’s mind, and the laughter that carries across the ocean from someone elses lungs, that Victor revels in anyway. 

Yuuri, Yuuri, Yuuri. 

Then Yuuri shifted away from Victor s grasp, he groaned slightly as he leaned up, awoken by Victor’s movements. 

It felt like Victor had lost something, had left something precious, that by Yuuri waking up and moving, blinking blearily into existence, Victor had lost hold of a moment of immortality, and it made him cry harder. 

“Vict-” Yuuri started, he moved slightly to wrap his arms around Victor 

“What’s wrong”

Victor just shook his head, and dug deeper into Yuuri’s skin, he opened his mouth unsure of what to say but no words came out. 

Yuuri didn’t push him, he just adjusted, pushing himself higher against the headboard and letting Victor lean into him, fully. 

They were alone in the room, two broken silhouettes in a sim room. 

Yuuri listened to Victor’s ragged breathing even out and he was ready to let Victor fall asleep without any further prodding before Victor started to speak. 

The words were disjointed and so very small he found it hard to believe they came from Victor. 

“I just realized” Victor said “I’m going to miss you the most”

Then Yuuri felt bitter tears fight their way to his eyes and he blinked them away harshly before he could join his fiance in sobbing in the dead of night. 

His chin trembled as he pushed him mouth to the back of Victor’s head, and he pushed the words out roughly, they were ugly and raw but they were true 

“I’m going to miss you too”

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

“why did you do that?” Victor asked from the sideboard, he had a towel in one hand and a water bottle in the other. 

Yuuri sat up from the ice, he had slid about two feet after flubbing a quad toe. He didn’t even bother standing, he just rolled himself over and looked at Victor

“It’s not like I tried to” He grumbled 

“what was that?” Victor asked smiling 

“Nothing!” Yuuri shouted. 

Victor skated towards where Yuuri sat and offered him his hand, helping him up. Yuuri grabbed it thankfully and smiled feverishly at Victor. 

“I don’t understand why I can’t land it, I’ve done it before” Yuuri said wiping water from his pants “and I’m obviously working really hard”

“well, you need to do more than work hard, you have to feel it” Victor said, wiping the sweat from the back of his neck with the towel. “if you can’t feel anything when skating, then it doesn’t even matter if you perform the jump correctly or not” Victor said 

“I guess”

Victor was silent, he was biting his tongue, it was obvious to Yuuri. 

Yuuri stretched slightly and watched Victor, waiting for him to speak. “What is it Victor?”

“well do you…” Victors voice died down, he looked hesitant. “It’s nothing never mind” Victor turned and began skating away towards the side boards 

“Victor!” Yuuri said, “what is it?”

“Nothing” Victor said “really, keep skating I’m going to take a small break”

“Victor”

Victor turned around to look at Yuuri

“are you… alright?” The underlying message shone through

Victor flushed and looked away “yes, Yuuri” he said quietly “Yes, I’m okay”

So Yuuri let him skate away towards the sideboards again, he continued the routine he was choreographing partially by himself partially with Victor, it was the short skate he was going to use for next year’s Grand Prix, which he was already accepted in, because he came in silver in last years GPF

It wasn’t complete and it was sloppy, but Yuuri created it with Victor, so it felt good. 

He went out of his footwork into his first triple axel, from it into a lunge then into a quad toe loop. 

He fell

Again. 

Yuuri angrily shouted from his place on the ice. He ignored Victor who was pretending to drink from his water, and pointedly not watch him. 

Yuuri took a second to catch his breath and ponder the issue, it was something about the beginning of the jump, the act of picking his toe into the ice was tripping him up, it was too hard to transfer from his footwork to an axel to a lunge to a toeloop, then maybe the problem wasn’t with the emotion, or Yuuri’s work, maybe the problem was with the jump itself. 

Yuuri played the routine through his head, out of the footwork, then to the triple axel, to a lunge, then what if Yuuri replaced the toe loop with a quad lutz?

It would be easier to enter the jump but it was harder jump over all. 

Yuuri risked a glance at Victor, who was examining his water bottle with great interest, Yuuri straightened his shoulders and skated to the other side of the rink, to re-do his footwork, this time he would change the loop to a lutz, as he began he focused purely on changing the jump towards the end, he followed his feet through the foot work, left over right, a quick stop with his toe pick, then back the way he came, a rapid grape vine and a turn on his blade and into the axel, once he stepped out he turned to bend deep into a lunge, and then into the loop- wait!

As his mind caught up with his body, reminding him to change the jump, Yuuri took four staggered steps to stop him from the loop and on the fourth he turned to the lutz, and landed it. 

He stopped there, and thought about it, the steps weren’t planned but he couldn’t say he didn’t like them, they seemed playful, and even though the music wasn’t playing over it, Yuuri could imagine it, with a bit of tweaking the music fit. Yuuri’s mouth turned up slightly at the corners, he surprised himself there, stumbling, quite literally, into good choreography. 

Yuuri turned towards Victor, he was still standing by the sideboards, but now he watched openly with a large heart shaped smile, his water bottle and towel long forgotten on the boards. 

Victor skated towards Yuuri slowly, and Yuuri kept where he was, letting Victor reach out and pull them both into a hug, Yuuri’s skates slid between Victors, and he felt Victor’s head settle on his shoulder. Yuuri felt a nervous excitement bubble forth; it was something he hadn’t felt for a long time with Victor. 

Finally he felt Victor separate his lips; he paused for a second before he spoke “That was perfect”

Yuuri felt the blush before it appeared

“I couldn’t have done it better myself”

Yuuri stopped smiling, the connotation behind the words was hard to ignore, but he tried to do it anyway.

Finally Victor pulled away slightly, using his arms to balance them, he looked at Yuuri with more love them he thought was possible, Yuuri felt self-conscious, traitorous thoughts entered his head, questioning if Yuuri deserved the love Victor was supplying so freely, but he pushed them out. He let himself bask in the look, memorize it. 

Victor took Yuuri’s face gingerly in his hands and kissed him gently, tickling his lips with a “You’ll do just fine Yuuri, You’ll do great” 

Yuuri couldn’t help it, a few tears slipped out and he closed his eyes leaning into the peppering of kisses, willing to give in, to Victor’s touches. 

When they separated they wiped their tears away quietly, they didn’t comment on the others state, they didn’t have to.

Victor took a deep shuddering breathe, one that racks your lungs after a long time of crying. 

He stretched his hand out, and without a second of pause in between Yuuri grabbed it, like he always did, like he always would. 

“Come on” Victor said “let’s go home”

It was Victor’s last time on the ice.

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Yuuri shoved him bodily against the wall, and attacked his mouth, they had snuck in late again, and Victor couldn’t help but feel like a teenager again, sneaking into a house to make out. He let himself revel in the idea, of youthful giddiness. 

Yuuri’s hand traversed Victors body, hetugged gently on Victors striped shirt and whispered into Victor’s mouth “off”

Victor was happy to comply, Yuuri took a few steps back to let Victor pull his shirt over his head and throw it to the floor, with the clothing off, victor advanced towards Yuuri again, wrapping Yuuri’s face with his hands and kissing him roughly, there was something about touching Yuuri, every long drag of fingernails over bare skin, every careless kiss, and careful placement of limbs made Victor feel electric, made Victor feel alive. 

He reveled in it, as he kissed him again and again, their lips hardly separating except to gulp down lungful’s of air and returning again.

Victor pushed him to the mattress, climbing over Yuuri’s body to settle on his hips, he felt Yuuri beneath him in every way possible, and just curled in to kiss him more.

It was all too much like swimming, kissing until you couldn’t breathe was like submerging yourself under water just to see what the world looked like from down there, returning to the surface because you had to breathe, but wishing you could stay there, watching the waves ripple and pass ahead, watching bubble escape from your nose, and seaweed tickle your feet. Victor loved every moment of it. 

More then that, he was in love with every moment of it. 

Love. 

It all boiled down to love. 

Victor slowed down, the grind of their hips was tortuously slow, but he forced himself to continue, he heard Yuuri’s gasp and felt a moan work its way out of his lips as well. His eyelids fluttered to a close, and he forced himself to open them to stare greedily at Yuuri, he wanted to see him. 

Yuuri was pulsing below Victor, his eyes closed in pleasure, his face contorted. 

“Yuuri” Victor felt himself say 

Yuuri didn’t respond, light and airy gasps falling from his lips 

“Yuuri” Victor said again 

“y-yes?” Yuuri said

“open your eyes…” Victor continued his slow movements “I want- I want to see you”

In a flurry of eyelashes and moans Yuuri complied, revealing dark brown eyes and Victor never wanted to close again, he wanted to live in them. 

“you’re so beautiful Yuuri” Victor said leaning forward to kiss him deeply, knowing the actions would make them both close their eyes again, but this time he didn’t mind. The sight of delicate brown eyes, red kiss bitten lips slightly separated to make way for delicious moans was ingrained in his memory, he would hold it close to him on his deathbed. He would never forget. 

Victor leaned forward burying his head in Yuuri’s shoulder, and biting gently 

He turned his head to Yuuri’s hair, so close he could taste it. Without will, he began to speak . 

“Were alive Yuuri. We’re alive”

Tears formed in his eyes as the movements grew sloppy, hungry, gorgeous. As Yuuri opened his mouth and said back “I know. I love you. I love you”

Victor buried his head in his shoulder and as he felt the release, he began to cry.

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

There were bad days too

The day they packed the bags for the hospital, in case they didn’t have time to pack. Days at the hospital, where Victor was poked and prodded again and again, those days left him sore and tired, the day they made the list of people Victor wanted to tell, and the day he called them up on skype, personally one by one and made his way down the list. Yana was first, Yuuri held onto him extra tight on those days, kissing his knuckles in between phone calls, and re adjusting Victor’s hair. Some people cried, some people looked shocked, and some people took some convincing that what Victor and Yuuri were telling them was true. 

Then there was the day Victor collapsed. 

It was early in the morning; guests were making their way to the Inn, Victor was up eating breakfast with Yuuri and Mari when it happened. Victor stood up from his place quietly and took two steps before it happened. He only got out something mumbled in Russian before he was tilting to the right and he hit the ground hard, Yuuri felt his blood freeze and his heart beat impossibly loud in his chest. 

Yuuri jumped over the table and yelled at Mari to call an ambulance, she was quick to respond running quickly to the land line in the kitchen. 

Yuuri shook for a few seconds before he pressed down on Victor’s chest, “Victor? Oh my god oh my god, please be okay” Yuuri really didn’t know what to do, he just stayed rocking by Victor clutching onto his hand and hoping desperately he would feel it clutch back. 

It was happening. It was happening, just like the doctors said, it was happening. 

And that’s when Victor started to seize, it was his shoulders at first, then his head, and then his whole body. Yuuri knew what a seizure was, but he had never seen one in person, and it was so much worse than he could ever have imagined, Victor didn’t even look like Victor any more, he was drooling, his eyes opening only to roll to the back of his head, every muscle was strained. Makkachin came running at the sight, he knelt over Victor and tried to lick him, Yuuri pushed him away forcefully. 

“No Makkachin!” Yuuri shouted “stop!” Makkachin whimpered pitifully at the harshness in Yuuri’s tone and at the sight of Victor. 

Victor didn’t stop immediately, it was slow, like a trickle, his movements got less violent, but he still shuddered involuntarily. Victor’s eyes were open and he stared at Yuuri painfully. 

Yuuri tried to speak, but it came out more like a sob. Yuuri tried again “hey Victor, you okay?” He asked. 

Mari returned from the kitchen looking pale “they’re on their way” she said

Victor closed his eyes, like it was exhausting to keep them open any longer

Yuuri panicked, he clutched Victor hand tightly “Victor!” he shouted “Oh god, Victor!!”

Victor opened his eyes again lazily, he opened his mouth to try and speak, but at the sight of his blue eyes Yuuri visibly relaxed 

“It’s okay, don’t try to talk” 

Victor didn’t

Yuuri didn’t know if that was good or not. 

He barely noticed when the nurses showed up, when Victor was lifted onto a stretcher and heaved into the back of an ambulance. He just held onto Victors hand through it all, and when the nurses asked about Victors full medical history, he told them 

When Victor grabbed his hand and held on tightly, Yuuri leaned in close. He didn’t open his eyes, but he did speak, it was just two syllables but to Yuuri, it was the most beautiful sound in the world 

“Yuuri”

“Victor!” Yuuri shouted in joy, it took all he had not to smother Victor in a hug

“Where am I?” Victor asked slowly, Yuuri could tell it took a lot of work for Victor to speak, especially having to speak in English

Yuuri put on a weak smile, it probably couldn’t fool Victor, but if it brought him any sense of comfort Yuuri would wear it proudly. Yuuri wiped away stubborn tears “You’re in an ambulance, you’re going to the hospital”

Victors hand tightened around Yuuri’s, his breaths grew shallow “Is it happening?” Victor asked 

Yuuri couldn’t answer, he just cried. 

Victor took that as a yes

Victor said only two more words before he passed out again “I’m scared” 

Yuuri understood for the first time that this wasn’t something he could hide from anymore. This was happening. Victor Nikiforov, the consecutive five time gold medalist, Yuuri’s fiancé, and the love of his life was dying

And for a moment Yuuri could feel himself dying too. 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

“Is Makkachin allowed up?” Yakov asked 

“It all depends on Nurse Treshchotka” Victor said rolling his eyes

“Victor Nikiforov!” Lilia shouted from across the room, where she was examining the windows “Do not call people such unattractive things!” 

Victor rolled his eyes and laughed “sorry Lilia. Thank you guys for coming up so early” Victor added gratefully

“Well of course, we were going to come up in a few months like planned but someone just had to jump the gun” Lilia said teasingly 

Victor smiled and tossed her a saucy wink “you know me, always one for surprises!” 

Yakov harrumphed like he was annoyed 

“Aww, I love you too Yakov” Victor said, his voice lilting slightly 

Yakov’s gruff face fell for a moment and he walked to Victor’s bed and pulled him surprisingly gently into a one armed hug “you as well Vitya” he said after a few moments 

Victor smiled privately to himself. It meant a lot that Yakov forgave him after the Grand Prix; it meant even more that he flew over immediately with Lilia and Yurio when Yuuri called him up the night of Victor’s seizure. Victor still didn’t understand why they brought Yurio but apparently he had insisted. 

Victor glanced out the windows that covered nearly half of the wall to his left; they didn’t call this hospital the Hasetsu’s Ocean View Hospital for nothing. Victor could see nearly the entirety of the beach that touched the ocean; it was a beautiful place to die. 

The thought sent shock waves up Victor’s spine, and the smile was wiped almost immediately off of his face. 

Victor didn’t exactly want to think about dying at that moment, thankfully he didn’t have to think too much about it because it was at that moment that a loud bark sounded and Victor looked up happily in time to see Makkachin bound his way into the hospital room followed closely by Yuuri and Mari. 

Mari quickly sat lazily in a chair by the edge of the room.

Victor flung himself bodily out of the bed, ignoring the wires attached to his body, and knelt to be next to Makkachin. 

“Sorry” Yuuri said, rubbing his arm self-consciously “he completely freaked out when he smelled you”

Victor let Makka lick him, and he pulled away to smile “good boy.” Victor said, seeing Makkachin’s tail wag harder “oh I’m okay. I’m much better now” he told Makka

Makkachin barked and loudly pounced on Victor knocking him down from where he was squatting, once Victor was sitting flat, Makkachin walked himself over and plopped down on Victors lap staring at him with wide eyes. 

“Victor Nikiforov!” a voice scolded

Victor looked up, expecting to see the very strict and very angry Japanese nurse who knew very little English.

Instead he saw pale blue eyes, and silver hair. 

“Yana!” he cried, moving Makkachin off his lap gently to hug her

Before they could pull away Victor could already tell Yana was crying. 

Holding onto his bigger sister as she sobbed, was hard for Victor. They hadn’t seen each other since Rostelcom and Victor felt like he owed her even more time with how little they saw each other before that. Victor knew he needed to support her, but he also felt incredible weary, there was something deeply uncomfortable about hugging his sister as she cried, especially when you knew she was crying about your impending death. 

Victor blanched at the thought. 

Victor was never really afraid of dying, he never was until death was staring him in the face. 

Yana pulled away and clasped him roughly around the face pulling him slightly so they could stare at each other, Victor eyes were wide and she gave him a nod with a tear stained smile before she pulled away, holding him at an arm’s length. 

“It’s good to see you” Victor said 

“And you too, we have a lot of missing time to make up for” she said in Russian, it seemed she shared the same sentiment. 

Hiroko knocked on the door followed closely behind by Toshiya, “hello everyone, thought we might pop in, is this a bad time?” She asked

Victor shook his head, his smile splitting massively wide on his face “no of course not, the more the merrier” 

It was true, Yurio was unpacking at the Inn after a brief and spiteful greeting, Minako had visited earlier and was now looking after Yurio, and Chris was coming in a few days with his husband and his children, Victor just got off a video chat with Mila and Georgi just a few hours before, in which Georgi had to leave because ‘all this crying is ruining my makeup’ Mila got off to check on him. It was impossible for Victor to feel alone in this crowd. 

At least until Nurse ‘Treshchotka’ herself showed up. 

She gasped loudly and then glared at Victor, who was not only out of bed, not only ripped off/out all of the expensive looking wires, but was also bent over a large hairy dog. Victor smiled weakly.

She started speaking rapidly in Japanese and Yuuri nodded all the while, once it seemed like he tried to respond to her, but she shouted at him when he did, only after what seemed like a lifetime later did Yuuri finally turn to the room and translate what she had said. 

“She says the doctor will be here shortly, and he has information” Yuuri announced “only your family should stay for it” 

Victor looked around the room, at his legal guardian, his legal guardian’s ex-wife, his sister, his future mother in law, future father in law, future sister in law, his fiancé, and his dog. “So they can all stay?” Victor asked

Yuuri translated the question and Nurse Treshchotka fumed for a few moments before snapping something at Yuuri and walking away briskly. 

Yuuri turned to Victor and shrugged “she said yes”

Victor smiled. 

“so Yuuri dear when did Yana come in?” Hiroko asked

“oh her flight just came in, she texted me about an hour ago” Yuuri said kissing Victor on the side of his mouth, in greeting. 

It continued like this for about a half an hour before a doctor stepped into the room, she wore a mask around her face but she pulled it down and disposed of it in the trashcan

“Victor Nikiforov?” she asked 

“yes, that’s me” Victor said with a wave, he bent down to give Makkachin a pet

“well then you should be in bed” she said in accented English

Victor rolled his eyes playfully and made his way to the bed where Yuuri had taken a seat on the edge, they became comfortable in the room over the past few days. 

“now we ran your blood tests, and your CT scans, MRI and did some research and we are afraid we have some information regarding your tumor.” 

Victor nodded, Yuuri’s hand slipped into his.

“Okay” Victor said

The doctor glanced nervously around the room full of people “what I am about to share is highly personal, do you want to ask some people to leave before I reveal it?” she asked kindly 

Victor squeezed Yuuri’s hand tightly “no” he said “they can all stay”

Hiroko stepped forward “Victor, that’s sweet, but we can step outside if you would like”

Victor smiled at her kindly but shook his head “no thank you. I consider you my family and whatever the doctor has to say I would like you to be present” 

Hiroko smiled and nodded stepping back next to her husband and Lilia.

The doctor took a deep breath and nodded she wet her lips before opening the file in her hand, she slid out what looks like two x-rays. She held one up 

“This is an MRI of your head seven months ago; we had it transferred over from Saint Petersburg General Hospital, it’s when you first got checked”  
Victor nodded 

The doctor pointed to a small white spot in the scan shaped like an egg “so this was your GBM seven months ago” 

Victor stopped her “sorry, GBM?” he asked, for someone who actually has it, Victor knows next to nothing about his tumor. 

“it stands for glioblastoma Multiforme, it’s the type of brain tumor you have” she explained 

Victor nodded, signaling for her to continue

“and this” she said pulling out the other scan “is the scan we ran yesterday”

Victor heard small gasps around the room but he himself remained silent. 

The doctor pointed to two additional white spots now, they were about the size and shape of the original tumor but the original tumor had grown, It spread into an almost oval shape having doubled in size since seven months ago, a smaller one located more towards Victor’s nose.

The nurse pointed to it, “This one, we believe has been causing your bloody noses, because they aren’t common in cases of GBM, so we were all slightly curious when your fiancé told us your symptoms. 

Victor hand found its way to his nose “oh…”

“And it’s something you need to take seriously, people can bleed out through bloody noses in five minutes flat, so the next time you notice yourself bleeding you need to contact a nurse immediately”

“I’m sorry” Yuuri said, interrupting “he’s had bloody noses since before he was diagnosed…” Yuuri let his voice die out as if expecting the doctor to answer his unasked question, when no one spoke Yuuri  
continued “So if Victor had this tumor when he had that MRI, why can’t we see it, and why did no one catch it”

The doctor took a second to absorb his words and then began speaking “well tumors often don’t show up, or it’s very hard to catch them on these kinds of scans when they’re this benign, we can see them now because they’ve rapidly increased in size and shape, these are what are causing your headaches, bloody noses, and aphasia attacks, we believe this one” the doctor pointed to the smallest tumor “is what caused you to have a seizure three days ago”

Victor just listened, grateful for her well trained voice, remaining warm but detached, he felt Yuuri shift near his leg 

“Will we know if it will happen again?”

That’s why Yuuri and Victor had agreed to stay in the hospital for so long instead of returning to the Inn, it was to make sure that the seizure wasn’t going to happen again, in a more dangerous place next time like on the ice or while cooking. 

“No, we can’t know if you will suffer anymore seizures, or when they will happen if they do occur again.” The doctor shifted where she was standing and cleared her throat “which leads me to the next thing, we would advise you to stay in permanent care here”

Victor opened his mouth to protest “I have five more months; I don’t want to spend them here” he looked to Yuuri who nodded in confirmation

That’s struck a chord in the doctor who winced slightly at his words “actually” she said slowly, visibly composing herself “we believe with the growth of the tumors, your time has been cut down.”

Yuuri visibly paled “what does that mean?”

“We can’t know for sure like we said before, we can only give you an educated guess-” she said

“How long?”

Victor squeezed Yuuri’s thigh gently, maybe it was to ground him, or to remind him to be kind to the doctor because she couldn’t do anything, they couldn’t do anything.

The doctor averted her gaze, she took a moment before responding “our estimate is less than three months”

Everything went quiet

“Oh” 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Things seemed darker after that. 

Of course, his family fought perilously to make things brighter for him 

They switched to a more permanent room, one with an even better view of the ocean. It was a private room separate from other patients complete with a bathroom, a tiny kitchen, and a dining table. Christophe arrived with his husband, daughter, and cat; he didn’t cry at the sight of Victor in his hospital bed, he just made passing remarks about how the room could be greatly improved with a pole and a few bottles of champagne. 

Victor usually had someone with him at all times, it felt like they were taking shifts; he was hardly ever alone and even then only for a few minutes before someone took their place. Usually Yana and Yuuri were with Victor, and Victor loved their company. He loved even more how well they got along, it gave Victor hope, but after finding out that treatment would just increase his symptoms, but not help with much more, Victor refused, he wanted to at least wanted to die with dignity. 

Yuuri walked in the room swinging a basket in his hands, Victor who had just woken up from a nap watched as Yuuri sat down on the bed and started to unpack. 

The basket held many wonderful things, Victor came to find out. Yuuri took out a small pile of wildflowers first. 

“I found them on the way up, and I thought you might like them”

Victor smiled at his fiancé; he took a dramatic sniff and pretended they smelled wonderful. 

Victor lived for the way Yuuri’s face lit up at that

Then Yuuri took out other things like a plate of sushi, a few rice balls, and then two steaming hot plates of Katsudon, Victor smiled widely, oh how he had missed pork cutlet bowls. 

Yuuri bent over to kiss Victor on the forehead, before digging in. 

Victor only requested they move to the table when he spilled soy sauce on the blankets. Yuuri helped him get to the table, he stood a ways away watching as Victor moved but he didn’t touch him, holding him like an old man, like nurse Treshchotka did. Victor was aware he moving slower, but he appreciated not being treated like he was dying. 

They ate in silence for a few moments 

“Did you go to the rink today?” Victor asked 

“Mhmm” Yuuri answered through a mouthful of katsudon 

“I think I finished choreographing my free skate”

“really?” 

“mmh” Yuuri kept eating 

“I would love to see it sometime”

Yuuri took a break for a moment to interlace their fingers over the table, he smiled gently “yeah I would love to show it to you”

Victor tried for a smile 

“What is it?” Yuuri asked when he noticed Victor was pushing the pork around the edge of the bowl “Do you not like the katsudon?” 

“Oh? Oh no, it’s great I’m just not all that hungry” Victor said smiling “were the Nishigori’s there?” Victor asked, they had come to visit him, but only after double checking that the triplets hadn’t snuck in some kind of recording device, the world didn’t know what was happening yet, and Victor wanted to keep it that way

Yuuri nodded “I taught the Nishigori triplets how to do a toe loop. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, they’re real naturals” Yuuri said absentmindedly 

“When I first met Yakov” Victor said “he told me that there are no such things as naturals, he said you have to work hard to get good at something”

Yuuri smiled at Victor “I wish someone told me that” 

Victor stood up and carefully maneuvered himself to sit on Yuuri’s lap “well I’m telling you now” Victor took Yuuri’s head in his hands and kissed him deeply. 

Yuuri drew his hands up to tangle in Victor’s hair as he pulled him down for another kiss, and another and another. Victor openly moaned in Yuuri’s mouth when one of Yuuri’s hands dropped from the nape of his neck to his back and then even lower. Yuuri pushed the food to the side and lifted Victor so he was sitting on the table his legs hanging off Yuuri snuck in between them, they continued like this leaving the food ignored.

It was Victor’s last pork cutlet bowl 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

The day started off badly. 

Victor had a bloody nose, migraine, and then an aphasia attack and Victor could tell the strain it had on everyone around him too. 

Chris, Yuuri, Yana, and Yurio were there to witness it.

Chris and Yana decided to take Yurio back to the Inn after they knew everything was okay. Yuuri stayed behind with Victor who was assigned to bed rest, but he didn’t really. Yuuri had turned his back and started washing dishes in the sink, his body language screamed don’t talk to me. 

But Victor, who was never very good at following directions, did any way. 

Victor looked down at the ring on his finger “Hey Yuuri”

Yuuri took a deep breath before responding “yes Victor?”

“Are we going to get married?” he asked 

There was a stagnant pause when Yuuri forgot to continue washing dishes “of course”

“Do you still want to?” Victor asked doubtfully 

“Yes of course, why?” Yuuri was quiet.

Victor could tell he was scaring Yuuri with the questions. “It’s not that I want to break up with you so don’t think that. I just want to let you know that I won’t blame you if you want an out” Victor said carefully 

Yuuri picked up a wet towel to scrub the inside of a plate “I don’t know why you would say that”

“I just don’t want to make you a widow in two months”

Yuuri didn’t respond he just kept washing the dishes, he was absorbed in the menial task his back turned to Victor. Victor stared at the EKG monitor, god he was so tired of being connected to the beeping thing, he was tired of being poked and prodded like some kind of lab rat. He was tired of Yuuri pretending that Victor death wasn’t coming. 

“I don’t care about that” Yuuri said “if you’ll have me I want to marry you” Yuuri was practically begging Victor to leave it alone

Victor didn’t “but what’s the point if I’m just going to die anyway”

“God Dammit Victor” Yuuri shouted, there was a flurry of movement, the wet rag was thrown against the bottom of the metal sink, a loud echo rang across the room, leaving Victor, for once, speechless.  
Victor stared at Yuuri with wide eyes. 

Yuuri still stood with his back to Victor; he curved it as he grabbed hold of the sink. Yuuri spoke through clenched teeth “will you stop focusing on your death?” Yuuri asked

“Why? It’s going to happen soon, I’m just preparing myself.” Victor said after a pause he threw in a “you should too”

“No you asshole, we all know what’s going to happen in three months or so. We all know you’re going to…” Yuuri let the word die on his tongue. 

“Say it”

Yuuri just shook his head

“Say it” Victor said again 

“No”

“Why?” Victor shouted 

“Because when I say it… it’ll be real” Yuuri voice was quiet, almost fragile 

“It’s already real” Victor said 

Yuuri didn’t respond, the sound of the hospital encompassed them, soaking each word and drenching it with a stark sense of finality “you are going to die” Yuuri said quietly “but it hasn’t happened yet. And so help me god, I will not let you spend the rest of your life hyper focused on something that hasn’t happened yet” Yuuri straightened his back slightly “You are alive right now, and that’s all that matters” 

Victor took a moment to let the words sink in, he glanced back and forth between the ocean and Yuuri who wiped his nose with his forearms and returned to washing dishes as if nothing had happened between them

Victor gently pushed the covers off himself; he stood from the place in his bed and walked on unsteady legs to Yuuri, who for the entirety of the argument hadn’t turned to face Victor. Slowly Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri’s stomach. 

Yuuri tensed at the feeling “you should be resting”

“No I think this is more important” Victor said kissing Yuuri’s shoulder. 

“Can we get married on the beach?” he asked 

Yuuri turned around quickly and smiled, desperately trying not to let the tears pulsing in his eyes fall. Yuuri kissed him chastely “yeah, let’s get married on the beach”

That was their last argument

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

When Victor was a child, he would stay up late at night and gossip with Yana about his dream wedding, there would be at least three hundred guests, all who would secretly be in love with Victor and would proclaim their love to him, but alas he would turn them down and walk down the aisle to his beloved. Yana just giggled and called him silly. 

Whatever Victor imagined, it wasn’t this. 

Victor was allowed as long as he didn’t physically exert himself too much, and as long as there were three doctors on site, with an ambulance nearby, an oxygen tank, and a first aid kit containing lots of scary needles. 

The venue was tiny, or at least much smaller than Victor originally planned it to be, it consisted of less than twenty people, the Katsuki family, the Nishigori family, Yakov, Lilia, Yurio, Yana, Christophe and his husband and daughter, Minako, Phichit (who flew in two days ago for Yuuri) and of course as the ring bearer Makkachin. 

There was no celebration afterwards, it was just the ceremony, and then Victor would be rushed to the hospital. Victor didn’t put anything on social media about it, and he trusted everyone he invited not to either, which Phichit agreed to surprisingly quickly. 

There were a few plastic chairs set in two tiny rows for the guests to sit on, and a small arch with blue fabric tied to it, Victor and Yuuri had time to engrave there rings with the others initials and a pair of ice skates, but there tuxes were a contrasting mess. Victor lost a few pounds in the last few months, the doctors told him it was completely normal, so the only one he fit now was an old black tux with a pinstriped vest underneath and a pale pink tie. Yuuri wore a white tux with a blue tie, which slightly matched the color of the fabric from the archway. 

Victor had a bloody nose minutes before the official wedding began, and Chris, his best man, quickly helped him take care of it before Victors nurses saw it and panicked, Phichit was spotted posting something to Instagram and everyone flipped before they found out he was just posting a picture of his feet in the sand, Makkachin already dressed in his ring bearing outfit, a little pouch on top holding the rings leaped into the ocean to play, which made Yakov freak and grab the dog only to find out the rings were safe in the sealable pouch and that he had completely soaked his expensive suit

Altogether the wedding was a mess. 

And Victor loved every second of it. 

In Victor’s childhood day dreams, he panicked the moment before, having to be reconciled by his best man, or by his sister, from what he had seen in movies, that was how weddings worked, both parties of the wedding had to sort through there nerves only moments before the wedding commenced, that was another disappointment, Victor wasn’t nervous. 

It didn’t feel like a momentous occasion, it was as easy and natural as breathing. 

Victor let Yakov and Lilia walk him up the aisle

And then he watched as Mari walked Yuuri up the aisle

And everything went wonderfully

Victor said his vows, and Yuuri said his, and they both cried too much, and kissed too much afterwards. 

Victor was talking with Chris when Yuuri snuck up behind him and showed him two large shells “come with me, I have an idea” he whispered

Victor ignored Chris’s suggestive smirk and followed Yuuri to the cliff that overlooked the ocean. Victor thanked his lucky stars when his nurses turned a blind eye. It was an exhausting climb but he held onto Yuuri’s hand tighter when it got hard for him to breathe, but when they reached the top Victor realized that trying to breathe was futile. 

The sun was setting over Hasetsu and the sky was aflame with color, the waves rolled in peacefully over one another and Yuuri looked at Victor with more love in his eyes than he thought anyone could look at him with. Victor felt alive.

Yuuri gave Victor one of the shells 

“I was thinking about what you said” Yuuri said slowly “about the shells, how you threw them in the ocean when you were a child and thought they would never hit the bottom”

“Okay…” Victor said, not entirely sure if he should be concerned or not

“I wanted to throw one, with you.” 

“Oh…” Victor said looking down at his shell, it was simple the same as Yuuri’s, he looked up to Yuuri and smiled “I would be honored Yuuri Katsuki” 

They kissed quickly then walked to the edge of the cliff, from there they could see Hasetsu, they could see the Ice Palace, and the hospital, they could see the small wedding now lit by torches as the sun went down, he saw people mingling, and drinking, he saw life going on. 

Yuuri grabbed Victor’s unoccupied hand and threw his shell to the ocean. 

Victor watched Yuuri’s sea shell fall into the ocean making a small splash, he took a second to collect himself and then did the same, flinging the shell softly and not bothering to watch where it ended up, he knew they would be together. 

Yuuri sat down by the cliffs edge and Victor slowly joined him

“Is this day everything like you dreamt it would be?” Yuuri asked

Victor smiled “no it’s so much better. I mean the venue is strange, and the people are strange, and the circumstances are strange but…” Victor smiled at him. “I wouldn’t have it any other way” 

Yuuri smiled at him “well that’s poetic”

Victor laughed, “Don’t you know it” they sat in silence for a moment watching he waves “what about you?” Victor asked “is it everything you imagined?”

Yuuri took a deep breath and let it all out, “well in my big fantasy wedding I was always marrying you so…actually yes” he admitted

Victor started laughing

“Don’t laugh at me!” Yuuri shouted with an embarrassed smirk “that’s rude!”

“So as long as you’re marrying me, it’s your dream wedding?” Victor asked in between giggles

Yuuri just stared at the ocean and smirked “yes, yes it is”

They both fell into a wonderful silence 

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” Yuuri asked

“Yes” Victor said not taking his eyes off of Yuuri “it is” 

Yuuri smiled softly, almost sadly, and he leaned in to his husband for a kiss. 

Their lips touched, their eyes closed, and the world stopped spinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for how long this took to update, I was studying for my drivers ed written test (I passed!!) and I couldn't find much time to edit and update  
> anyway this was probably the hardest chapter to write, I had to cut over half of this, and added some additional scenes I never actually planned to add in this fic, but I think they fit well.  
> Leave a comment, kudo's, or come hang with me on tumblr at rae-or-literal-fucking-sunshine or dariarawr  
> comment for this chapter's soundtrack  
> next update 8/22/17


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Yuuri left his room, he opened his email, scrolling down past a few personal and spam emails to get the invitation to the Grand Prix, he opened it and typed out his response. 
> 
> He thanked them for the invitation, apologized for his late response explaining briefly that he was working certain personal things out, and told them he was accepting the spot in the Grand Prix if they would still have him. ‘My theme’ he wrote, stopping only for a moment to ponder what he wanted his theme to be. ‘will be life’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry

It took a month. 

Less than a month really. 

Victor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki were married for almost one month, but they never got to celebrate their anniversary. 

Yuuri watched his husband’s body disintegrate around his perfect soul. 

He watched Victor’s hair thin, and start to fall out, and he watched as he stopped eating, and he watched as he lost fifty pounds he didn’t have to spare in the first place. He watched as Victor suffered aphasia attack after aphasia attack, he watched as Victor stared blankly out the window at Hasetsu’s ocean as its waves bore down on its beach. Yuuri became enamored with the green his skin took after a few weeks, with his smile, and his pale blue eyes that shone defiantly even as his body stopped working. 

Yuuri watched the love of his life die, and he was with him until the end. 

It wasn’t as dramatic as Yuuri pictured it; it just took him by surprise. 

That’s Victor though, he never stopped surprising Yuuri, not until the very end. 

For Yuuri it was all over in a matter of seconds, Victor was sleeping, which he did all the time now, the doctors said it was all his body could do to fight the disease, and as long as Victor was sleeping, his chest rising and falling, it satisfied Yuuri. 

He tucked him in, making sure he wasn’t cold, and he brushed the hair from cheek, Yana was curled in on herself in the corner of the room sleeping. 

He smiled at how similar they looked when they slept, silver hair and a peaceful expression on their faces, with that Yuuri sat down at his bedside chair, took a hold of Victors hand weakly, and adjusted himself, he laid his head on Victor lap and was lulled to sleep by his husbands rhythmic breathing and the steady beep of the EKG above him. 

It was all he could do 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Victor was dreaming 

It seems that’s all he did now a days

He dreamt about many things, and beautiful things, things he didn’t know how to describe with words.

He dreamt about floating above the ocean of Hasetsu, riding the wind, he dreamt about the fisherman whose name he never learned, he dreamt about the world he never got to see and the world he saw too much of. But lately he had been dreaming about one specific thing; something that seemed pure, Victor appreciated it greatly because it was as if his mind knew being awake hurt him so much, it gave him something beautiful to hold onto as he slept. 

He was pair skating with Yuuri to Stay Close to Me. It was always the same, Yuuri would start out by himself, in a blue costume that matched the soft lights, and he moved in it beautifully. Then Victor came in, in a matching pink costume, the lights turned pink and then quickly purple, as they combined. 

Victor never realized how beautiful the color purple was until then; Victor didn’t realize a lot of things until now.

It was simple, graceful, as Victor and Yuuri came out of a jump Yuuri’s hand lingered on Victor cheek for a split second, and then slowly the dream faded. Victor never got to see the end of it. 

Then came another dream, it was softer, it was welcoming. Yuuri was running, his feet slapping on the pavement, and then joining him was Makkachin, what a good boy, Victor thought, Victor was standing a ways away from him, he was talking with Yurio. He knew where they were, at a bus station in Saint Petersburg, the same one Victor used all the time to get to the ice rink and back home. 

Home. His parents’ house. The apartment he lived in with Lilia and Yakov. The apartment he lived in with Yakov. The condo he lived in with Makkachin. The Inn with Yuuri. It was a simple childish comfort of being surrounded by home. 

Victor watched as he took a step forward, Yuuri raised his hand to greet him. And Victor smiled 

“Yuuri!” 

Life went on. 

Life. Skating. Getting away. Makkachin. Skating. Yuuri. Life.

Then Victor woke up. 

It wasn’t sudden, it was gradual, he watched as his dream seeped into reality and at some point Victor noticed he was awake. 

See, the last time Victor Nikiforov opened his eyes, he was all too eager to close them 

Not because he didn’t like what he saw, but because for the moment, a stunningly painful moment of clarity Victor wasn’t scared.

Victor knew he was dying, knew it for a long time, but when he woke up, for the first time he felt it, the deep ache in his body, the slow and painful rise and fall of his chest, Victor couldn’t remember what it was like to breathe normally, it was the slow realization that he didn’t know how to speak. It was the first real time Victor knew that his chest would fall for one last time, and he would close his eyes and they would never open again. 

Victor was ready. 

He was ready because he wasn’t afraid. 

But he did have one last request; he wanted to last thing he saw to be spectacular. 

It wasn’t. 

It was unbelievably ordinary, something Victor had seen a thousand times before, but unbelievably beautiful, something Victor would only see once more

It was mere minutes before the sun set, and everything was quiet. Light seeped in from the window, where the beach of Hasetsu could be seen. Victor made out the vague outline of a boy and a dog, the boy looked peaceful and content. He saw the sun low in the sky, ready to sink behind the horizon. At the right, his sister, his beautiful older sister slept, a blanket wrapped loosely around her body, her silver hair had shifted and covered her face. It was a shame Victor thought, he would have liked to see her face one last time. 

‘It’s okay’ he thought 

The boy outside threw a stick, and Victor watched as the dog chased it, his tail wagging and his leash trailing behind him from his collar. That’s unsafe, Victor thought, the leash could get stuck on something and hurt him. Victor wished he could tell the boy.

‘It’s okay’

Victor didn’t even notice that there was a person sleeping on his legs if he hadn’t noticed him out of peripheral vision. Victor thought it was funny, he couldn’t really feel his legs anymore 

‘It’s okay’

It was Yuuri, because of course it was. It was always Yuuri. It always had been. And with a deep, profound sense of calm, Victor watched him. His glasses askew and a line of drool trailing down his mouth to Victor blankets. 

It was nothing spectacular, nothing extraordinary.

Victor was greeted with this sight every day he woke up, every day in his life, even before they met, Yuuri was there.

He always was. 

Victor wanted to thank him, thank him for showing Victor what it was like to fall in love, but he knew even if he tried he couldn’t speak, and he didn’t want to wake Yuuri, he didn’t want to break this moment, it felt precious, and sacred. 

So instead Victor struggled to lift an arm, and with all the strength he had left, he tried to card his fingers through Yuuri’s hair. It was a simple luxury to feel Yuuri just one more time, one Victor couldn’t afford. His fingers didn’t obey. 

‘It’s okay’

He settled for patting Yuuri’s hair weakly. He turned to watch his sister sleeping peacefully, and the boy and the dog, he watched the wave’s crash on the beach, and he watched his husband sleeping silently on his lap. 

Victor didn’t know if he was dreaming. 

But it was okay. 

Because he wasn’t afraid anymore. 

And Victor was ready. 

He nodded, this was okay, this was good. Victor didn’t cry, Victor didn’t sob, Victor didn’t fight anymore. He fought all he could for one lifetime, and Victor was tired. 

He wished desperately that Yuuri didn’t wake up, that his sister didn’t open her eyes, that Yakov or Hiroko or Lilia didn’t wander into the room. Because then Victor would have something to live for, one more conversation, one final word. He wished desperately that no one interrupted him, and he wished desperately that someone did.

No. 

If he closed his eyes right now, the wave would never crash, and the sun would never set and give way to darkness, the seashell they threw into the ocean would never hit the bottom. Yuuri and his sister would continue sleeping peacefully, and the boy would keep throwing the stick and the dog would keep chasing it. 

This is good. This is okay. 

Victor took a deep breath, and did the last thing he would ever do, he smiled, he closed his eyes, and he began to dream. 

Victor died half an hour later

The sun set on Hasetsu’s ocean.

The boy and the dog had gone home and both Yuuri and Yana had woken up.

When Victor was pronounced dead, Yuuri Katsuki did not cry. For a single moment he forgot how to breathe, he forgot he was alive, but he did not cry. 

He sent a text to the group chat informing them of what happened, listened to the doctor as they talked about end of life arrangements. He thanked her when she told him that she was ‘sorry for their loss’ and he let Yana and Mari cling onto him as they sobbed. 

But Yuuri did not cry.

He watched as Lilia and Yakov spoke soothing words in Russian into Victors scalp, and watched as they cried into each other holding onto one another like the world was falling apart, and Yuuri watched them with a devoid sense of fascination. 

Yuuri wanted to feel like they did. He wanted to sob, and scream, he wanted to hold onto Victor body and not let him go, he wanted to feel, but instead he felt nothing.

He kissed Victor forehead once more, and stroked his cheek, and wished he could see his eyes just one more time, and then Yuuri went home, surrounded by friends and family and completely, entirely alone.

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

It was hard on everyone. 

They all stepped out of the car slowly, they felt no need to rush. Yuuri was stuck between Yana, and Mari whose sobs had subsided, Yana didn’t say much, no one did. They just stared out of their respective window and tried not to make any noises, and once they arrived at the Inn in what felt like mere seconds, they all climbed out. 

They didn’t have to say anything. 

Yurio, Minako, and Phichit were waiting for them outside. 

Minako started crying silently the second she saw the car pull up, and Phichit came around to help Yuuri out, Yuuri could tell by the way Phichit looked at Mari with concern that he expected Yuuri to be much more of a mess than he was. 

All it took for Yurio to break down was the sight of Lilia and Yakov; he ran to them and searched their faces for some kind of trace. Yakov just shook his head, and spilled a single tear. 

Yurio took a gaping breath, and thick tears sprung to his eyes in a second. He shook his head fiercely, he yelled something in Russian, and took off running towards the beach.  
Yakov shouted back at him, before taking off after him. 

A few people watched in concern but Yuuri just turned away from the sight and started walking towards the Inn, he wanted to go to sleep. Phichit and Mari followed him closely, he saw them exchange looks that Yuuri ignored, he walked past Chris who was sobbing openly into his husbands’ chest, ignoring Makkachin who followed Yuuri whimpering, Yuuri pushed him aside and followed his feet that led him nimbly to his room. Yuuri climbed into bed, careful not to touch Victors side, and before he could think, he was sleeping.

Days went by and eventually the days into weeks. 

It was strange that the world kept spinning, Yuuri didn’t feel the passage of time, every day he woke up and got out two bowls to make morning cereal, then he would put away one when he remembered.

The funeral was in a week. 

News of Victor’s death spread quickly and then news of their wedding, Yuuri would ignore the news, the radio, all the reporters who fled to Hasetsu; he would turn off the tv, or switch the radio channel.  
He would help around at the Inn, washing dishes and preparing food, folding towels, sometimes someone would find him staring out the window for hours at a time, but Yuuri could have sworn it was just a few minutes. Sometimes he didn’t leave his bed for days, and sometimes he never wanted to go back to it. 

Whenever Yuuri went to sleep at the end of the day he made sure never to touch Victor side.

The one thing Yuuri hadn’t done in the past week was ice skate, since Victor…. Yuuri didn’t look at the bag in the corner of his room, he didn’t think about visiting the Nishigori’s because he knows they would be there. In the past week without exercise, his body grew soft and Yuuri didn’t so much as notice or care, he knew in four months the grand prix was starting up again, most skaters had already choreographed their routines, and were in the midst of practice, Yuuri didn’t even think about it. It was like he was in a glass bowl and he was watching his life continue around him, Yuuri was detached and unbothered. 

The only thing he started to notice was that he was never left alone, they didn’t make it obvious. It was Phichit poking his head in and telling Yuuri he was going to hang out with him for a while, and then his mother would come in once Phichit left, wandering about the room cleaning things, and once she was left him with a kiss on the forehead, Mari would come in and just sit with him, or help him with whatever he was doing, sometime she would just open a window and smoke. 

Maybe that’s why it took so long for Yuuri to finally break. 

They were all busy that day, every single one, Chris and his family had left but they were flying back for a day for the funeral, Yana, Yurio, Lilia and Yakov decided to head down to the ice rink, and Yuuri’s family decided to go on a long walk on the beach which Yuuri declined an invitation to. 

So Yuuri was alone. 

Well, almost alone. 

Yuuri was left in the Inn with Makkachin, who refused walks daily, and was pointedly ignored by Yuuri now.

Yuuri was content to sleep the whole day, maybe stop to grab some food, but Makkachin had different plans, and he was eager to carry through on them. 

Yuuri was in his bed staring at the wall when he heard the whimpering from outside his room. He tried to ignore it at first but as it got louder and more persistent Yuuri yelled at the closed door for him to stop it, which worked for a while.

Yuuri went back to staring at the wall, and Makkachin quickly went back to whimpering and barking. 

Yuuri in anger grabbed the closest object to him, which happened to be a water bottle and he threw it angrily at the wall this time he yelled louder “Makkachin shut up!” he screamed

Once again the noise died down, but only for a few moments. 

Yuuri stood up from the edge of his bed and opened the door, he stormed down the hall and towards the front room where he saw Makkachin, his tail wagged at the sight of Yuuri and he bent down next to the shoe area, the Katsuki’s asked their guests to remove their shoes when they came in. Since everyone was gone that day, it was mostly bare. 

There were only two pairs of shoes there, Yuuri’s and Victors. 

Yuuri didn’t let anyone touch Victors stuff, he didn’t let them remove his spare jacket from the coat rack, or his boots, or anything. It seemed… wrong. 

“What?” he asked angrily, his words seeping out through gritted teeth 

Makkachin barked 

“You want to go for a walk?”

Makkachin barked again, this time wagging his tail. 

Yuuri sighed heavily, he really didn’t have time for this right now, and he would much prefer going back to his bed and ignoring Makkachin, but he also knew if he didn’t his parents would come home to a fun Makkachin surprise, and they would be angry at Yuuri, and Yuuri didn’t want to deal with that either. 

“Fine” Yuuri said grabbing the leash hanging on a coat rack “only for a few minutes though, do you understand?” 

Makkachin probably didn’t but he wagged his tail anyway, Yuuri sighed and leaned down besides Makkachin to clip the leash to his collar, it when he noticed it. Makkachin was sitting on Victor’s boots. 

Yuuri stood up in anger “get off, get off!” He pulled Makkachin off the shoes lifting his paws as he stepped on them, Yuuri looked at him bitterly, he just had to ruin Victor’s stuff didn’t he? The boots were rumpled slightly and covered in dog hair. Yuuri rolled his eyes and started off to the door, but Makkachin didn’t budge.

“What?” 

Makkachin started to whimper but he still didn’t move

“What the hell do you want?” Yuuri asked “You want to go for a walk, so were going for a fucking walk” Yuuri didn’t know exactly where the anger had come from, it was something that had built up in Yuuri for a while, he just wanted to go to sleep, he didn’t want to do this right now

Makkachin slowly took three steps forward and sat back down on Victor’s shoes, staring at him pointedly. 

Yuuri didn’t jump forward to stop him this time, instead he just paused his mind going through what Makkachin was doing. 

“Oh” Yuuri said “I see now, so you want to go for a walk but you don’t want me to walk you” 

Yuuri dropped his leash, and opened the front doors wide “fine then, go. Go!” Yuuri shouted

Makkachin didn’t move. 

“So you want him to walk you?” Yuuri asked angrily, Makkachin pawed at the boots “well he’s not going to!” 

Yuuri leaned against the wall to catch his breath, god this argument was taking a lot out of him. 

Makkachin whimpered and barked 

“He’s not going to take you for a fucking walk Makkachin!” Yuuri repeated “He can’t!” Yuuri was gasping now, air seemed to escape his lungs, he tried to harder to catch it “he can’t” Yuuri whispered “He can’t because he’s dead… he’s fucking… he’s fucking dead Makkachin” 

Yuuri felt his knee’s give way, and he fell firmly to the floor next to Makkachin, Yuuri could feel his heart beating loudly, for the first time in a week he realized he was alive, his vision started to blur, started to swim, Yuuri couldn’t fucking breathe. 

“He’s gone” Yuuri said “He’s dead, he’s dead and he’s not coming back” 

Yuuri would feel himself slipping, Makkachin nuzzled his way into Yuuri’s lap, Yuuri’s hands came over the top of his head lightly, he started to jerk back and forth as if his body was moving on its own, Yuuri couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, oh god what was happening. ‘Am I dying?’ Yuuri thought vaguely ‘is this what it’s like to die?’ Oh god Yuuri thought ‘is this how Victor felt?’

“Oh god, he’s dead, he’s gone” Yuuri said, his arms started to vibrate, as if pulsing with some kind of unreleased energy, his foot moved on its own scaring Makkachin slightly, his leg brushed the coat holder and it crashed to the ground loudly, Makkachin whimpered at the sound and burrowed in tighter to Yuuri, Yuuri did the same, holding onto Makkachin tightly. 

“he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone” Yuuri repeated, it was as if those two words became his life, he’s gone, he’s gone. 

Makkachin rose from where Yuuri was sitting and shuffled about in the mess of coats on the floor, he pulled two over to him, a tan trench coat that Victor used to wear and one of Yurio’s, he brought them to Yuuri and then sat down again resting his head on the coats strewn across Yuuri’s lap 

That’s how they found him. His family came home less than twenty minutes later to see Yuuri fallen haphazardly on the floor the coat rack thrown on the floor and coats everywhere, clinging onto Victors coat and whispering into Makkachin’s fur “he’s gone” 

Mari dropped to the floor next to him immediately “Yuuri are you alright?”

Yuuri just looked up “he’s not coming back is he?” he asked

Yuuri couldn’t see her clearly, his eyes were swimming and spilling over hot liquid on his lap, but he knew by her broken voice that she was crying, Mari’s pulled Yuuri’s hands into hers 

“No” she said leaning her forehead against his “no he isn’t”

Yuuri gasped for air, finding it harder and harder to breathe. 

After a few failed tries, they got him righted, and sat him on the dining room table and fed him some light things as well as many cups of water. Yuuri just felt it go right through him, and he couldn’t stop crying. Night fell, and Yuuri cried at that, it was night when Victor died. He was tucked into his bed and he cried into his pillow, Victor wasn’t sleeping next to him. He crawled into his sister’s room like when he was a child and asked if he could sleep with her, she pulled him close and kissed his forehead and let him cry into her shoulder, Victor loved Mari. 

When Yuuri woke up he cried, and when Yuuri pulled out one bowl for breakfast instead of two he cried, Yuuri found it a nuisance, but he accepted it anyway. 

As the days went by, he cried less often, sometimes he made it a whole day without shedding a tear. They decided to cremate him, they scattered him off the cliff into Hastesu’s ocean, and they buried his skates in the cemetery. At the funeral Yuuri sobbed and held onto Phichit’s hand, and hugged Mari and cried into her chest, and thanked the guests for coming and wiped away tears that pricked his eyes. Yuuri relied heavily on everyone around him, Makkachin started to sleep with him again, and he let him stay on Victor’s side. 

Yuuri let his parents move Victor’s shoes, and his jacket, he put them in his closet and held them dear, he waved and hugged everyone as they caught a flight back home, he started to work out, running up and down, he visited the beach and accepted the fisherman’s deepest apologies, he thanked him for being Victor’s friend, he even started on social media again. They were small victories for Yuuri, but he considered them triumphs. 

But Yuuri still couldn’t skate, his bag in the corner of his room gathered more dust, and he waved off offers from the Nishigori’s, he talked to Yuuko, and even came close to the ice palace sometimes, greeting the triplets when he ran into them only a few yards away from the ice palace, but he never went in. Something about it felt wrong. 

He was sent an email, asking him to attend an interview or a conference explaining what his theme for the Grand Prix would be, they also politely asked him to confirm that he was going to represent Japan in the Grand Prix, the last sentence apologized for Yuuri’s loss, Yuuri closed the laptop quickly and went to help Minako teach a dance lesson. He told her about the email, and she asked him if he wanted to start skating again, he just shook his head 

“No” he said “I don’t think I want to yet”

She nodded and quickly changed the subject; he followed her actions and helped a kid in the back work on a plie. 

Yuuri didn’t worry too much about it, he kept dancing

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

It wasn’t a month later when a very angry and very loud Yurio came bursting into the Inn to ‘have a word’ with Yuuri. 

Yuuri was bent over a table helping an elderly couple who had just finished a soak in the hot springs, he tried to ignore the jealous sting at the sight of the two holding hands over the table. He just placed a plate of fresh sushi rolls on their plate before he was being kicked squarely in the back and almost toppled over the table. 

“So you really are just a stupid piggy” a voice said, before Yuuri could turn around he knew who it was 

“Yuri? What are you doing here?” Yuuri asked 

“Don’t turn this around on me!” he snapped, the now sixteen year old, was still as short as ever, and his blonde hair was tousled slightly. 

“Shouldn’t you be practicing for your Grand Prix? Does Yakov know you’re here?” Yuuri asked in concern, he knew for a fact Yakov didn’t know Yurio was here, but the question seemed appropriate at the time.

Yurio’s face morphed in anger “I could ask you the same thing” 

Yuuri took a second to follow Yurio’s words, when he understood, he sighed heavily. “Yuri, you don’t know what you’re talking about” he said, turning away from him. 

Yuri followed him to the kitchen “what does that mean?” he snarled

Yuuri started to busy himself in the kitchen, unaware that there was nothing to do. “I can’t skate Yurio, it- I… I just can’t”

“Don’t call me that, don’t you dare call me that!” Yuri shouted 

Yuuri turned around in confusion “wha-”

“Victor called me that, it was his nickname for me, and no one else gets to use it” he was on the edge of tears as he spat it out 

“You’re being ridiculous” Yuuri said

“I’m not the one who’s quitting ice skating because my husband is dead!” 

There was a silence as Yuuri forced himself not to cry. He tried to calm his breathing going through the breathing pattern he remembered, before speaking slowly and quietly “I think you should go”

Yuuri could tell by Yuri’s silence that he knew he went too far “he wouldn’t want this” Yuri said quietly. 

“You really don’t know what you’re talking about, you need to go” Yuuri said louder, this time he swung around wildly to stare at Yuri

“I do know what I’m talking about!” Yuri shouted “my only family left is my grandpa; I skate because my parents liked to watch me. I skate because it made them proud!” Yuri shouted, his Russian accent growing thicker as he continued “I know about loss, I understand it!” Yuri pulled himself taller to match Yuuri’s height “I also understand that life doesn’t end, because someone you love is dead” he said quietly, he angrily wiped away a tear with his hand. 

Yuuri was crying too now, this was all too much for him “Yuri I…” He tried “it’s too painful” 

Yuri got close to him now, he face only a few inches away from Yuuri’s “good” he spat out “It’s supposed to be painful, so use that pain to skate. To make Victor proud”

Then slowly he withdrew, he took a few steps back, his face still hard set in a bitter almost disappointed expression, for a few seconds it broke and showed something else, something almost kind. Yuuri walked out the kitchen only stopping to say “He gave up his last season to coach you, don’t waste it piggy”

And then he was gone, leaving Yuuri with his thoughts. 

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

Yuuri wished his parents goodnight and walked into his room. 

The days went by like normal but, something was off, something felt different about that day. To be honest, something felt off about each day since Yuri’s visit, it had been about two weeks and there was still a spot open for the grand prix, Yuuri’s skin itched. 

He took a seat by his desk, and numbly twiddled a pencil between two fingers; his eye kept catching the bag by the corner.

The bag that held a notebook, two pens, his skates, his hard plastic red and white guards, the soft black ones wrapped around his blades. He had ace bandages, Band-Aids, chalk, and a few protein bars that had probably gone stale. 

Yuuri decided to ignore it for now, he climbed in bed and went to sleep.

He dreamt about Victor. 

The next morning Yuuri went about his day, he helped at the Inn as much as could, it was midday that someone noticed something was wrong. 

“Is everything okay Yuuri?” asked Hiroko, she was at the kitchen washing the dishes.

“Oh?” Yuuri looked up, he noticed he had been staring at his plate of shrimp without taking a single bite “yes…” 

“Is there something on your mind?” 

Yuuri paused for a moment; he didn’t know whether or not he wanted to share his thought, or even how to phrase them. He put his words together slowly as if questioning each one “would…. Do you think Victor would be… do you think he would want me to keep skating?” 

The question received silence, the water was shut off and Hiroko quickly emerged from the kitchen drying her hands, she sat down next to Yuuri and took one of his hands “I don’t think I knew Victor very well sweetheart” she said “I don’t even think Victor knew Victor very well” 

Yuuri laughed slightly. 'He did at the end' Yuuri wanted to say 

“But I know Victor loved you very much, and I know he’s going to be watching after you from now on” 

Tears sprung to Yuuri’s eyes at the notion 

“And Victor would want you to be happy. So it’s not a question of whether Victor would want you to skate or not, it’s a question of what you want to do” she said slowly, she gave him a warm smile. “Because if you’re happy with your choice, then Victor will be too” 

Yuuri nodded slowly and closed his eyes and Hiroko kissed his forehead. 

“I think I want to” Yuuri said “I think I’m ready”

Hiroko smiled as if that’s the answer she wanted to hear from him, knowing his mom; Yuuri guessed that’s how she would have looked no matter his decision. 

After lunch, Yuuri walked back into his room and eyed the bag again, this time without trying to think too much he lifted it from its corner and wiped away the dirt and dust that collected over time. Before Yuuri left his room, he opened his email, scrolling down past a few personal and spam email to get the invitation to the Grand Prix, he opened it and typed out his response. 

He thanked them for the invitation, apologized for his late response explaining briefly that he was working certain personal things out, and told them he was accepting the spot in the Grand Prix if they would still have him. ‘My theme’ he wrote, stopping only for a moment to ponder what he wanted his theme to be. ‘will be life’ and then before he could question his decision he hit send, closed his laptop and was off. 

He smiled at his mom as he left the Inn, and started walking calmly but quickly to the Ice Palace. 

He stopped briefly to speak to the fisherman who seemed pleasantly surprised to see Yuuri with his skating bag again

He stopped short at the ice rink, he pulled out his phone from his back pocket, he scrolled past the icons on his recent list, past Phichit, his mother, sister, Minako, Christoph, stopping for a second to stare at the contact ‘Victor’ he kept going opening Yuri’s and shooting him a quick ‘thank you’ then he turned his phone off, stared at the looming building in front of him, took a deep breath and pushed open the doors. 

He smiled at Yuuko and ignored the gaping face of her children and husband. 

“Is it alright if I go in for a while?” he asked

Yuuko nodded “uh huh” she said 

She followed Yuuri as he slowly put his ice skates on, pulling on the laces tightly, they felt strange on his feet.

“Um Yuuri?” she asked 

“Yes Yuuko?” 

“Do you think you’re ready?” she asked simply, she looked deeply concerned about him, 

And Yuuri really didn’t know if it would be all too much for him when he touched the ice, he didn’t know if he was going to collapse or cry or panic.

“I don’t know” He admitted, switching his soft guards for his hard ones. “but I think I want to try” Yuuri stood and hugged Yuuko tightly

Then he walked past the locker room and into the arena, the cold bit Yuuri’s hand quickly, and all at once he was hit with a rush of emotions. 

He could see Victor collapsing on the ice just a few feet in front of him, bare of ice skates rushing onto the slippery surface to ‘make it up’ to Yuuri, He could see Victor assigning both Yuri and him their short programs, taking them through the movements, through the jumps. He heard his laughter and his cheers echoing off the ice

More than that, Yuuri could feel him. He could feel Victor in front of him, holding his hand, stroking his cheek. He felt the ghost presence of lips on his, he felt Victor. Resonating off the sideboards, vibrating in the air. 

It didn’t scare Yuuri like he thought it would. If anything, it encouraged him.

Victor wasn’t here to turn Yuuri off course; he was here to give him the push he needed. 

So Yuuri followed Victor onto the ice, he smiled as he felt it envelop him, surround him like a blanket. 

Yuuri smiled, pushed off, and began to skate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a kudo's, comment, or come cry with me on tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine or spork-of-rae  
> comment for this chapter's soundtrack  
> last update 8/28/17


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I just wanted to let you know that, I wanted to let you know that you don’t have to worry about me anymore, and um…” Yuuri felt his throat catch 
> 
> “I wanted to thank you”

Yuuri Katsuki knew how to love. 

More than that Yuuri Katsuki knew how to fall in love.

He could fall in love with his sister’s slow drag on a cigarette, the way smoke echoed in the air, swirling and twisting around unseen air currents. He could fall in love with each greying hair on his mother’s head, and the taste of a particularly delicious katsudon, he could fall in love with the cut of his skates on the ice, the sound of the Zamboni as it chugged along sturdily on the ice. He fell in love with darkness, and light, and the world around him. He fell in love with the soft breezes, that would surround him, engulf him completely and hold him just for a moment before rushing off to hold someone else. 

Yes its true, Yuuri Katsuki could love, but, more importantly, he knew how to fall in love. 

He never really believed he was capable of such a thing, not really. For so long, when he skated, he skated to a notion, to life, or heartbreak, or love, but he soon realized, it was all too simple to fall in love. It was hard to stop it, to stop himself from holding on to some kind of wall between himself and others, all he had to do was let go. Yuuri didn’t have to double check that someone would there to catch him, he could trust that he could catch himself, and so, just like that, Yuuri fell, headfirst into everything. 

He would often switch between Yakov and Celestino as his coaches, he couldn’t stand being with Yakov too much, it was simple things about Yakov that reminded him of Victor, the way he would take off his scarf, or the gentle touch of his hands on the side of his head, even the way he wrap his hands around Lilia’s face before kissing her, Yuuri thought that it must have been how he looked when Victor kissed him, it was small, but it was powerful.

So he would do a season with Yakov and then go back to Celestino, skating side by side with Phichit, sometimes meeting with Chris during competitions, although he retired the year before Yuuri’s fourth Grand Prix Final. 

Yuuri never felt the warm comfort of Victor’s hands on his again. He never felt the deep ache in his heart when he kissed him, he never felt his hair through his hands, or the serene pale blue of Victors eyes that pictures could never quite capture. Yes, it made him feel hollow, yes it made him feel numb, but Yuuri realized all too soon, he could feel alive again, if he only tried. 

So Yuuri tried. 

But sometimes, despite being content in life, despite being happy and in love, Yuuri’s dreams would betray him, sometimes they would be scenes playing out in his minds, memories of beaches, and of early morning practice sessions, or holding onto one another desperately, as if letting go meant saying goodbye again, only forever this time. Sometimes they would just be flashes, of silver hair, and bruised lips, of hands over hands, coffee, and laughter, of the taste of tears. The image of seashells falling to the ocean, slowly sinking, never touching down, closed eyes, that would never open. 

There were days when Yuuri couldn’t find a reason to smile, or when the tears never felt like they would stop, when laughing felt like a betrayal, why make the world more beautiful with laughter when Victor wasn’t there to be a part of it?

And all Yuuri could do, was wait those days out, wait for something else to fall in love with. 

And all Yuuri could do, was dream

▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪ ▪

“Hey mom” Yuuri said 

“I think I’ll have katsudon tonight, I know, I know, I only have it once I win a competition, but I’m retired and I’ve been craving it for a while now. I also know that Yuri’s children haven’t tried it yet and you know how picky Lubova is, I don’t know where she gets it, her parents aren’t picky at all 

“Anyway, it’s been hard. Because of course it is, but I’ve been doing good. I really really am, and I’m just as surprised as you are, believe me, but…” Yuuri trailed off “I have a bunch of people here to support me, and I feel… I feel good” 

Yuuri stared at the picture of his smiling mother, the newest photo placed on the shrine

“I just wanted to let you know that, I wanted to let you know that you don’t have to worry about me anymore, and um…” Yuuri felt his throat catch 

“I wanted to thank you” 

“Because you’ve always been there for me, even in time when I didn’t deserve it, or when I’ve pushed you away, and I don’t think I would have made it if it weren’t for you. So thank you” 

Yuuri bowed his head respectfully “ I love you very much”

His voice died down, it hung stagnant in the air, he hoped his words reached her, and he hoped she was at peace.

Minutes passed in silence as Yuuri sat; from far away he heard footsteps. He listened to someone walk down the hall to the shrine and slowly, respectfully pull the door open.

“Hey piggy, we’re going down to beach you want to join us?”

Yuuri turned to see Yuri standing at the door, he nodded thankfully. 

From there he rose from where he was standing leaning heavily on his cane.

At the age of fifty three, Yuuri already felt his body wearing down; it was natural for an athlete’s body to wear down in its later years, this Yuuri expected. 

He pushed himself much harder than most athletes, choosing to retire at the age of thirty one. He promised Victor he would win five gold medals, so he pushed himself to win six, it took longer with the constant competition from Yuri, but he hoped it made Victor proud, and at least a little bit jealous. 

He followed Yuri throughout the Inn, slowly, Yuuri found beauty in small things like the way light passed through the windows in Yu-topia’s Inn, it was something Yuuri had never paid much attention to before now, things seemed more beautiful in his old age. 

Mari, with silver hair tucked in a headband peeked her head out of a door “hey where are you going?” she asked 

“To the beach, do you want to join?”

“Nah, just be safe” 

Yuri’s family was waiting in the van his youngest children fighting in Japanese about some toy. 

Yuuri turned to Yuri “you know I’m not too old to just walk there” he said 

Yuri scoffed “I know that piggy, but I don’t want to walk there it’s too cold” 

He smiled, and thankfully piled his way in the car purposefully sitting between the two youngest children, to make them stop fighting.

He remembered even during Yuri’s wedding, where Yuuri was best man, those two children wouldn’t stop fighting. 

Once Yuri was in, they took off, Yuuri watched from the windows as Hasetsu passed them. He saw the spot where the fisherman used to stay; he saw the road that led up to the Ice Palace, sooner rather than later they pulled up by the beach and they all piled out, his children rushing to the back to grab their bag. 

“You know it’s too cold to swim right?” he asked Yuri’s daughter 

She nailed the Yuri impression perfectly, rolling her eyes in annoyance “I can still try”

Yuuri smiled and ruffled her short hair “of course you can”

Yuuri joined them for a while, watching them play with each other, he watched as Yuri’s children tried their hardest to last in the cold water and he laughed as Yuri’s daughter stuck her tongue out at Yuuri when she finally gave in and retreated to a warm towel. 

A few other people milled around, attempting to swim, and walking on the beach letting the water only barely touch their feet. After Victor’s death, Hasetsu overflowed with tourists for a few years. 

People wanted to see the last place Victor lived, they wanted to see the place he died. Tourist’s stayed at Yuuri’s Inn trying to get the latest scoop, or to get a rare photo of the widow, they learned all too soon not to mess with a grieving family because a very angry and very spiteful Minako would be there to chase them away with a broom and a few choice Japanese swear words. 

But some people just wanted to see what was so special about it, and more than a few people did. Most left after the news became old, but Yuuri knew what the people who stayed saw in Hasetsu. 

They saw life. 

Yuuri watched a young boy with large eyes make his way up to Yuri nervously, he couldn’t hear what they were saying but he could tell the boy was a fan. From far away he could see Yuri bend down to scribble his name on the notebook, and point towards where Yuuri was standing a few yards away from them. Having children, and getting married had changed Yuri, it had changed his point of view on life, his skating style, and the way he treated his fans. Yuuri truly watched him flourish.

The boy turned to Yuuri with wide eyes and stated walking slowly towards him. Yuuri cleared his throat and readjusted his grip on the cane, preparing himself.

The boy was young, maybe ten; he held a notebook in one of his hands and a pen in the other. 

“Excuse me” he said in Japanese “are you Katsuki Yuuri?”

Yuuri smiled warmly and nodded “I am” 

The boy took a deep breath “One day I’m going to be like you, I’m going to beat your record in the free skate, and I’m going to win seven consecutive gold medals in the Grand Prix Final” he shouted loudly his hand turning into a fist around the pen

Yuuri laughed, he had so much confidence. It took some time but he kneeled next to the boy and nodded firmly “I bet you will” Yuuri said “but you have to work very hard, and you have to promise to not give up” he added with a finger waggle

The boy lit up, he wore a smile so big he thought it was going to fall off. He remembered when he was first taught how to treat his fans. 

He hoped Victor would be proud. 

The boy nodded before offering Yuuri the pen and notebook with a bow “can you please sign my notebook” he asked

Yuuri nodded, he wrote a small message that said ‘keep skating’ he signed his name in kanji and then in English in brackets

“What’s your name?” Yuuri asked 

“Victor!” 

Yuuri’s head snapped forward to the boy, he looked at the boy who looked at Yuuri with wide determined eyes, the boy wasn’t aware of the sudden change in Yuuri in fact he seemed excited to continue talking, sharing information on the origin of his name. 

“I was named after Victor Nikiforov” the boy said “he was your husband right?”

Yuuri nodded, feeling tears gather, even after twenty nine years, the smallest reminder of Victor was enough to harm him. He added a small ‘to Victor’ with numb fingers and gave the boy his notebook and his pen. 

“It’s a good name” he said “now you should be getting back to your parents; I think they’re looking for you”

It’s true the boy’s mother was calling out for him. It hurt Yuuri especially to hear Victors name called out over the beach again, but it felt good, raw and painful but good. 

Victor nodded again and gave a “thank you” before rushing back into his mother’s arms

Yuri caught Yuuri’s eye with concern. 

It was okay, but sometimes it was all too much.

He could only stay at the beach for so long. 

It teemed with dangerous memories, filled with tears, and laughter. Yuuri turned his head quickly, away from the screams of joy coming from the children, away from the wedding bells ringing distantly in the wind, away from the world. 

He caught sight of the trail leading up to the cliff; it was a nice escape for a while. 

It took him nearly ten minutes to climb to the top, ‘old age’ Yuuri thought, ‘it happens to all of us’ then he stopped and huffed in bitter laughter ‘well not all of us’

Once at the top, he took in the sight, the beach he loved so much, the beach that hurt so much. 

Yuuri found it was easiest to take the world a day at a time. 

But there were still days when Yuuri dreamt of him.

When the light feeling that filled his heart would deflate in a matter of seconds and be replaced with something darker, something heavier. 

There were still days when Yuuri didn’t even want to wake up, when he wanted to close his eyes and chase that feeling forever. For one more glimpse of Victors smile, to hear his laugh one more time, to feel his lips against his, he wanted to close his eyes and drift away. 

Everyone knew it too. 

They knew when missing Victor became too much for him to bare

But they made sure he never had to bare it alone. 

There were days when Yuuri felt alone, even on days when he was surrounded by people, surrounded by friends and the family he had left, he felt it eating away in his soul, in his heart. 

But there also days when he knew he wasn’t alone

When he felt a presence he knew wasn’t there before. When he heard a bark, or a laugh carry on the breeze. When he stood at the cliff, when he stared out towards the beaches and seagulls, and closed his eyes, he could feel it. 

He could feel fingers against his cheek, in the wind that tousled his hair. 

He could feel them tilting his chin up to the sky, daring him to soak up the sun’s rays and feel the great turn of the earth. Yuuri could feel it. 

He could feel a furry creature brush against his leg, and nuzzle his way into his thigh, he could feel fur brush against his knuckles as he bent down to pet him.

Together, they begged him to enjoy the world, begged him to understand what they see. 

And for that moment, for a single precious moment he could.

He could hear a whisper on the breeze, and in the subtle movement of the grass, he could hear it mingled in the salt water in the air, and the bustle of the city below. 

‘Take your time, my love. We’ll be here, when you’re ready’

Then it was gone, and Yuuri opened his eyes to see that the clouds had shifted and covered the sun, and the waves had crashed upon the beach, the wind died down, and Yuuri felt Victor move again. 

Maybe he would pop up again in Hasetsu in a few years, maybe he would ride the winds to Barcelona, spend a week tumbling through the architecture, or show up in Saint Petersburg to check on his sister, and the family she created. 

Maybe he would see Yana’s baby, the one with eyes too blue for his pale skin, and little tufts of silver hair, maybe Victor and Makkachin would stop to say hello to the new baby who was invited into the world. 

Yuuri would just smile to the sky and whisper “I love you” 

Even in Yuuri’s old age, nothing had changed between them. He still felt Victor’s presence, in the stars, and in the ocean, and in the grass below his feet. 

After Victor died, when Yuuri began to understand how to speak again, Victor slowly shifted to the third person. ‘He hated this’ and ‘he used to’ but he never forgot to correct someone when they said they ‘loved’ Victor. 

He would remind them, its love. Not loved. 

He stopped believing in the past tense of love.

Love doesn’t die just because someone else does. 

Yuuri watched Yuri’s family laugh along the beach. Yuri moved back to Hasetsu shortly after Yuuri’s last Grand Prix Final, he told Yuuri it wasn’t because he wanted to be close to him, but because he liked the ocean, that’s all.

Yuuri told him he believed him. 

But they both knew he didn’t. 

He didn’t even notice that Yuri was trailing him until he sat next to him on the cliff. 

They didn’t say anything, because they didn’t have to. 

Yuri offered him a silent hand and Yuuri grabbed it thankfully.

They took life one day at a time. Some days were better than others, and some days Yuuri just hurt, when he could feel the hole Victor left in his heart more profoundly, and he knew Yuri felt it too. 

They watched the beach below them in silence and it was enough for them. 

Yuuri watched the sun move lazily through the sky, he watched the ocean below him as waves grew and shrank and collapsed in on themselves, crashing to the shore, he watched Yuri’s children try once again to conquer the cold of the ocean. Yuuri looked out to the horizon where the sky met the water, and he breathed in deeply. 

To his left lay the city the Inn, the Ice Palace, the hospital, and to his right lay the beach he watched a family throw a stick and watched their dog chase after it carelessly, and directly in front of him was Hasetsu’s Ocean, strong and sturdy and moveable. 

He squeezed Yuri’s hand tighter and said simply “he would have loved this moment”

“Yeah” Yuri said “he would have”

Yuuri opened his eyes after twenty nine years of having them closed and he was amazed at what he saw. 

The waves crashed, and the world spun and the seashell thrown so carelessly all those years ago, finally sunk to the bottom of the ocean

And life, as always, went on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well here we are. 
> 
> It's been a long journey with you all, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I'm not going to lie, It's going to be pretty lonely without constantly updating, and seeing what you guys think. But, with that, I have an announcement, when I started pre-planning for Hasetsu's Ocean, I decided to add a small one shot from Yuri's perspective, someone from the comment section in last chapter Alexis Knight, actually asked for it and I was kind of shocked because it was going to be a surprise all along and this person totally called me out on it! 
> 
> I want to thank Jaellisme and NuriaSchnee for being there since the beginning, for commenting on almost every chapter and being incredibly supportive
> 
> I also want to thank every person who read this, every person who commented, or gave kudo's, your support, and even your time means so much to me, it means all the time I spent planning and revising and writing and editing this thing was spent well, and that couldn't have been done with out you. 
> 
> Well I hope you enjoyed, please leave a comment, kudo's, or come hang out with me on tumblr at rae-of-literal-fucking-sunshine, or spork-of-rae
> 
> Comment for the last soundtrack 
> 
> and don't forget to keep creating!


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